Need Advice - Rock City Falls,NY

A.!

You need to find a Developmental Pediatricain who will do a full evaluation. I am not sure from your post just where you are in the process, but you need to find a good developmental pediatrician and stick with them until you get the full evaluation and a treatment plan. You are not describing "just a speech delay" because that does not make you feel the way you describe. Who is it that you think is juggling you around? I it is not uncommon to struggle to find the diagnosis. I have lived with your daughter; twice over. You are not alone, not by a long shot, and many of us are here to help you.

When you say special ed, do you mean that she is already in a program for early intervention and the state has done an evaluation? You should not rely on the any public agency to diagnose your child, you need a private evaluation that you own, and you should never know less about what your daughter needs than the state does. She will qualify for services through your school district as soon as she turns three.

Go back to the Developmental Pediatrician, or find a new one at your nearest children's hospital and get her full evaluation done, from soup to nuts. Get the treatment plan from the Developmental Pediatrican, then supplement what the state gives you with private services so that she gets everything that she needs. Do not depend on any state agency to bring about her maximum potitential, they are not required to do so, and are only required to make her functional and you want far more than that for her.

She needs that diagnosis, and you need to move forward with the right interventions as soon as possible. I won't sugar coat this for you; it is not going away, she is not going to just out grow it, you have very hard work ahead, and it will not be easy. But it will be rewarding, though not many people will see how far you have traveled, you will know. I know that you would like to hear something different, we all did when we realized the hands our kids were dealt (those of us who have been in your shoes) but I promise you this, if you are steadfast and insist on the full evaluation, follow the plan, advocate well and make sure that she gets what she needs, she will progress, and you will know peace and will come to terms with her challenges.

There is some grief for you work through, and that is absolutly normal. Just don't let your feelings keep you from moving forward. Quit feeling quilty for wondering if you would have had her if you knew what it would be like. Every Mom with a child like ours has felt that way, we have all wondered, what if I had waited one more month to get pregnant? What you need right now is to find some strenght from your struggle, because that is what we do; that is how we make it through; and she needs you to be strong now.

You can do this. Move forward on Monday. Get the diagnosis. Make appointments. Find more therapy while you wait. Do things that will help her, and don't look back. Read anything by Tony Attwood. Check out www.wrightslaw.com, you will need all kinds of information about advocacy. Read, read, read. If you feel overwhelmed, hire an advocate to help you navigate school issues.

If you are having trouble controling her, know that you are not alone. The best advice I ever got was from my youngest's special education teacher. She told me to stop telling her what to stop doing, and start telling her what to do. It will work for all young kids, but it is especially powerful for a very long time for kids like ours. Try it. Instead of telling her to stop yelling, say "quiet voice" if she hits, say " hands down" if she kicks, say " put your feet on the floor." It will help.

Finally, take care of yourself. If you feel like the stress is getting to you and you feel hopeless, see a psychiatrist and get treatment. Almost all primary caregivers need psychiatric care at some point. It is nothing to be ashamed of. This is one of the most difficult and stressful situations that you will ever face, and though it may not seem so right now, it is all going to be OK.

You are not alone. Let me know if I can help.

M.

OK, here's what I think: You need to "let it go." Take ten steps back, stop worrying, and just go have some fun with your child. No more doctors, no more tests, not more worrying.

The more you stress, the more anxious she will be. Think about how scary it must be to her to be dragged to see all of these strange adults. Think about how scary it must be to know your mommy thinks there is something wrong and is worried. Think about how scary it must be to be getting therapy when other 3 year olds are just playing. Of course she scored high in anxiety. She has a lot going on.

As a child, my mother dragged me to doctor after doctor --I still remember the weird probe test they did on me that required I fast for 24 hours. I got diagnosed with lots of different things. I was very "difficult." Threw awful "tantrums," etc.etc. Mind you, I was only 3.

I wasn't there, so I don't know what was going on, but as a 38 year old with a Ph.D. I will say this: expectations and perception are at least 75% of the game.

My point: step back and see where your daughter is in a year. Stop pushing, just go have some fun. Read a lot of books, go to the park, etc. Join a playgroup. Do story time at the library.

If you are having a hard time handling her behavior, maybe you just haven't found a parenting philosophy that really works for you two? Read every book you can on discipline and see if you might find an approach that works. Maybe you two are just not communication well with each other? I know I've had to try a bunch of different approaches to make things work with my 2.5 year old. And we still have our days when we just talk past each other!

Give her time, give her space, and give her a million hugs a day. She needs that stuff way more than going to see a doctor.

Besides, kids develop at radically different rates, but they tend to equalize around 7.

You might want to see a pediatric psycologist. Try to get a recommendation from someone and make sure that you are comfortable with the psycologist before pursuing treatment. My daughter was extremely difficult, I don't know how I got through her younger years without having a complete emotional breakdown. It is a hard road but, it gets better. Finally, in first grade my daughter was diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD and once we provided intervention and her frustration was reduced her behavior improved. She still is very stubborn and more difficult than most kids, but much easier than her toddler years. So, if you think something is wrong, keep fighting, you are her advocate and you know your daughter best and you should trust your instinct. If you are not happy with the doctor or the evaluation go to another and another until you are satisfied. When they don't have the answers they will juggle you around, you need to find someone who is willing to stick with you and investigate and pursue a cause for her difficulties.
Good Luck

I wonder if there is someone in your school district that can direct you to a new doctor for yet another opinon, someone they have worked with and is trusted. I know she's not in elementary yet, but the districts do offer services to older children and they might be able to point you in the right direction.

i am sending you a hug, A.. You are a great mom. You're being asked to navigate a course through muddy waters. In the best of circumstances motherhood is the most difficult job in the world and it is OK to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, in need of a long long long holiday (but don't hold your breath, haha).

We all want to run away screaming sometimes and you have a harder path. I'm rooting for you, A.. If you need encouragement, keep posting here and I promise to be one of your cheerleaders! You can do what you can do and that will be enough because that is all there is.

I am of the (perhaps crazy) opinion that children choose their parents and this princess chose you. You don't have to be perfect, A., you just need to be her mom and you're doing a great job of that.

Clearly you love her and raising a child with special needs can be very stressful and exhausting, yet extremely rewarding. Keep fighting for your child and find the specialists that will help her. Children are exhausting to raise but just the little you've written here, clearly she needs extra help. Go mama go! Don't let them give you the run around. The earlier the interventions the more success she will have long term. By the way, I teach special education so I do understand the background you are coming from. Go and fight for her!

Your a wonderful mother, doing exactly as your instinct tells you. Give her some time, think about it seriously, does she really need these guys?? Maybe she is a slow learner, but but by the time she is old enough for school, she might already have outgrown it. Don't hurry her development, she has her own pace, she is fine and so are you. Give it a rest for a while, then do what your heart tells you. luvu

Do you mean "PDD" or "PDD-NOS?"
If NOS... sometimes that is used because they do NOT know what, specifically, is "wrong" with your child... except that there is some kind of developmental concern... but they do not know specifically... or that it is so borderline.. that is does not strictly follow the trademark "symptoms" of other disorders.

So... perhaps they are juggling you around, because they do not know what, IF anything, is "wrong" with your child.

My friend, has a son, that is categorized as PDD-NOS. And, they basically don't know what is wrong with him because he does NOT "fit" any of the typical developmental disorders. BUT, he is a pretty 'normal' kid... he is just not a typical kid, and marches to his own drum-beat... but he is also very savant in some areas... and is not socially typical either. Meaning, he is socially "clumsy." This in itself does not mean he something is "wrong" with him... again, he is a non-typical child. But not disordered.
But regardless, he has an Aide in school with him.. because he is not typical. And it does help him learn social grace and focusing.
The Psychologist, even said, that he is a good kid.... just different... but not Autistic or anything nor any of the other traits of developmental disorders. They cannot "conclusively" label him with anything. But, ONE of his Teachers, had a "problem" with him... but not the others. He is just different. BUT it was because of this one Teacher, that had a "problem" with him... that he was assessed. But, everyone else, sees no "problem" with him. Specifically. Clinically.

It might be good to continue with Speech Therapy... as well.

all the best,
Susan