I have a 3 1/2 year old who is (generally) my sweet little guy, but is getting from bad to worse with wanting it his way, having crying fits about EVERYTHING he doesn't get his way. He spends several hours a day on the floor crying. I kid you not. I have twin one year olds which has been a big adjustment for him, but it's been a year and it seems to be getting worse, not better. He tries to hit them a lot. He has been in quite a bit of trouble in his Montessori preschool for hitting and pushing other children. I took him out for the summer to keep him home with me. I spend a lot of quality time with him, playing, reading, chatting, etc. He is very articulate about his feelings, yet he falls into a heap of volatile emotions so much now that I worry if something else is wrong besides just toddlerhood. His diet is not great. He's very picky--too much sugar really. I restrict his diet somewhat and he starts screaming his head off when he doesn't get what he wants. I try patience, I try time outs. I am consistent as much as time allows with three little ones. I'm at my wits end. What happened to my sweet little man? How many more years of this behavior? Help!
Firstly, thank you all for your fantastic advice. What a great website this is! Well, things have gotten a lot better with my 3 1/2 year old. I implemented time outs and it only took a day to get a handle on his behavior/outbursts. I also did a lot of reading and soul searching, (and a few episodes of Supernanny didn't hurt). "Children are from Heaven" by John Grey really spoke to me, especially about time outs and why they work. To be honest, I think I had to do a little growing up and not be afraid to take charge and discipline with love but with authority. I felt like such an ogre at first. But my son responded so well that I think there's something to just not tolerating outlandish behavior. My sweet little guy is back! And he hasn't even needed a time out in over a week! Amen and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Hi Malini,
He might have symtoms of ADD/ADHD. Go to this website:
www.DavissonClinicWellness.com or call ###-###-####
Click on where it says children and take short test. This Clinic is awesome. Dr. Davisson is great with kids. Hope this helps.
M.
I have to second the comments by Alice. I got the book "Try and Make Me". It helped a little, but we ended up doing a few sessions with Dr. Levy and it has made a huge difference!!! My son was out of control at 3 and I tried lots of different books & strategies until finally going to Dr. Levy when my son was 4 1/2.
I wish we had gone sooner, life is so much better now for all of us. My strong willed child will never be easy, but I do feel he is pretty manageable now. I get to see the sweet side of him so much more.
Good Luck!!!
Hi I am not sure that I have great advice bc I am in the same boat with my almost 5 year old son! My son has always been very high needs and a very short fuse with explosive temper tantrums. He seems to get better for a few months and then we hit a developmental phase and then he has lots of trouble again. so its the up down nature of his problems that is causing a lot of stress. I read a great book called "Try and make me" by Dr Ray Levy. he is a dallas child psychologist and we actually did a few sessions with him. it has made the biggest difference. There are lots of strategies for time outs and how to do it effectively but it requires you to make this a big priority and devote a week or so to this initially with the focus being your son's behavior management...but if you follow it to the T it is amazing. Not easy at all and you will be emotionally wrung out but you will have a better behaved child at the end...and it does not involved spanking!
Some chidren are very strong willed and have low thresholds for tolerance. The other thign to look at is sensory integration problems...DS has phobias with heights and shaky surfaces and cried a lot as a baby bc he did not like motion much. didn't realize this till later. he is also a very sensitive child to food, textures, picky eating, clothing needign to be a certain type...etc etc.
Anyway hang in there...it sometimes feels like your child is the only one who is so hard and has issues but there are many other there....talk to your pediatrician and see what he/she says.
Hugs
A
Sounds like you're doing good so far, staying calm and using time-outs. My ds, now 7, did this when he turned 4. Now he is very much more calm. I would tell your son how you want to act, then model it for him. Instead of just saying, "Lower your voice", tell him, "Talk to me like this:'Mom, I feel so frustrated!'" Also, when you can see him starting to get angry, do not let it escalate! Immediately calm him down or help him to calm himself. I tell my kids to "blow out candles" 3 times. If his diet has lots of sugar and you're trying to cut it out, that's great! But the change in diet might mean change in behavior. Could it be a high sugar/low sugar thing? I think the most important thing is to be specific about what you want him to do and explain it every day till he understands it.
Have you read love and logic? It is sooo helpful in reagaining control of every situation. Also, cut out the sugar. He will not starve himself. Start making your own things with splenda. I work at a pediatric clinic for spectrum kids and we see wonders when the diet is adjusted.
Good luck!!!
it sounds like he needs to go out and ruuuuuunnn! is there a park or track nearby? if so pack your other two lil ones in a stroller and push them while you challenge your 3 year old to see how fast he can go. they need challenges....its great that you read with him and spend time with him, but perhaps you should change the atmosphere where you two are doing your bonding. also when he cries i suggest that you stand him up while you are squating down....and start saying stuff like "i cant believe you forgot how to smile"....and "you dont remember how to smile do you?". this worked wonders on my daughter and got her to forget her tantrum. it seriously worked!!!good luck!
Malini
I too have a strong willed child! She would throw temper tantrums like CRAZY. If I moved away from her, she would pick herself up and move in front of me again. ONce she threw a tantrum as we were getting on an airplane. The flight attendant felt so sorry for me that she brought me a bloody mary the minute we were off the ground (this was at 7AM...UGH!)
Get "The Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson. It will help you understand how to control this behavior and how to "treat' it. I must warn you he does advocate spanking (NOT beating). The key to remember is YOU ARE THE PARENT and he is the child. Kids NEED and want boundaries. Making him eat a sensible diet is the start of establishing those boundaries. Our child still has some drama (she's 8 now) but it's much easier to handle now that she knows where the boundaries lie.
Good luck. I really feel for you.
You could be descrbing my daughter when she was younger! She was so incredibly volatile that I really thought there might be something wrong with her. She used to have tantrums that lasted for hours. Her diet was terrible, but good luck trying to get her to eat anything else! I even dragged her to the pediatrician for blood tests, thinking it might be hypoglycemia or something. She would be so sweet and funny and then turn into this crazy person right before my eyes -- I used to wonder, can you diagnose bipolar disorder in a three year old? I swear, some days I thought I was losing my mind!
The good news: She is now 11, and is WONDERFUL. She still fights with her younger siblings more than I'd like, but she's a straight-A student, mature beyond her years, with a good attitude about life. As a matter of fact, she just spent her own birthday money ($50!) to buy food to donate to the animal shelter, and she's about to get a big award at fifth-grade graduation for being such a good student and good citizen. She has been on Zoloft for about a year and a half, but I think most of the changes have come developmentally, with maturity. Sometimes you have to just wait until their emotional maturity catches up with their IQ -- smart kids get really frustrated when they have all these thoughts swirling around in their heads without the ability to express them in an appropriate way.
The bad news: It took a LONG time, and a lot of hard work.
We did counseling, which helped a little. At the very least, it reassured us that she wasn't mentally ill, and that we weren't doing something horribly wrong with her. The counselor was able to rule out things like Asperger's Syndrome, etc., so we didn't have to worry about that, and she gave us some strategies we could use to deal with her behavior. I bought every parenting book on the planet, including Love and Logic, and used those techniques (you may also want to read The Explosive Child). I was very consistent (I also had two younger ones, so, like you, as consistent as I could be). But the reality is, although it was important to do all these things, I had to do them for a very long time before I saw the payoff. The reason I am telling you all this is just to give you encouragement to hang in there and keep being consistent and keep plugging away, even when it seems like it is having no effect. And don't let it make you doubt yourself as a mom. If I hadn't had two other kids who weren't acting this way, I would have thought I was a terrible mother who was doing everything all wrong. Just do the best you can, love him, and try not to take his behavior personally.
I hope that helps at least a little!
L.
My daughter was much like your son. She would bang her head on the sidewalk and scream for no real reason. When she was four, I took the summer to follow a rotation diet. Every day a different bread, fruit drink, vegetables, etc. and monitored her behavior.
Her worse displays happened on long car rides. The only time she got processed food stopping at McDonalds. The ONLY time we ever had fast food.
So, the first food stopped was white bread and saltine crackers. Huge behavior change. She sang in the car instead of screaming.
The second culprit turned out to be yellow dye. By the time she was reading, she knew not to touch candy with yellow dye.
So, it may not be the sugar setting your son off, it could be processed food and coloring.
Hope this helps. My daughter is grown with a daughter of her own, and she still avoids those products.
i don't know how you feel about spankings, but i strongly believe in them. i have a strong-willed child and she tries to test me sometimes(used to be every moment), but i have a wooden paddle that i use to discipline properly. it's not beating if you do it right. why else did God make bottoms so padded. it won't injure him in any way, but he has to know that you're not going to put up with his behavior. if you will be consistant with it, it works wonders.
You got some good advice about behaviors but do consider other things in his environment that can be causing problems. Not that this is your situation, but lots of ADHD kids need no medication when Feingold diet is implemented by removing artificial flavors and colors. Sugar can cause yeast and drunken or even bad behaviors. Many kids have bacteria overgrowth or yeast overgrowth in thier gut which can cause behaviors as well. Some cleaners like bleach and the other strong stuff can have an impact on our kids too. Just another perspective. N.
It sounds like someone is feeling left out. Just trying to get attention anyway he can. Just try to egnore the tantrums & make special time several times a day just to do something with him. It only takes 10 or 15 min. of your time & he will feel special & loved. I know it's tough when you have the little ones to tend to but try it I think you'll be suprise. Don't give in to the fits.
Good luck.
K.
You might get some ideas from the books "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp, or the "Love & Logic" series (loveandlogic.com).
I ditto the Love and Logic...I'd also recommend The Happiest Toddler on teh Block book and DVD. It really helped us with our 2 year old...we now have very few tantrums.
RE: Love and Logic. Frisco's new Athletic Center is having some summer classes. There is a certified Love and Logic trainer teaching some courses in July. Check out friscofun.org and go to the Guide. Or give them a call. The classes are $15 and well worth it! There is one specifically over Toddlers and Preschoolers.
I would just let him have his tantrums. But I would ignore then. In Dr Dobsons book this child was acting out and the parents always catered to it. Then one day the dad was reading and mom doing something else and the kid did his thing and when they did not respond it was not fun anymore. Also sugar is like posion. I would take it away. Remove it from the home. We are told in nutrient whole grain foods. Fruits and Veggies and some meat and some dairy but he needs antioxidants to protect his body. I have kids that do not eat well in my day care. Also fresh first, frozen next last canned foods. Steam is also better. Strain veggies with a food processor and put it in his sauces. Get a juicer and make popsicles out of it. He just can not have his way if he misbehaves. Give him control when he can make choices but when it comes to routines or important things he does not get a choice. He probably is jeolous of the twins. I was terrible when my little sister was around. Tell him often his is loved and none less because of his siblings. He is the first and he is special. All of them are. We stand up for our family and siblings. We protect and encourage and love each other and teach respect. Time outs talking and parenting with tough Love is the best parenting we can do. It is the biggest challenge I ever did and still and doing it with a pre-teen granddaughter. Keep on the same page with the schools. They have to go to all sorts of training and may have good advice how they handle it and what you can do to back them up. Good Luck G.( He will outgrow it but something else will happen when he does) New challenges. We have a calm and enjoy it and the next lessons come.
Hi Malini,
Take a Love and Logic parenting class, today if possible! I just attended some sessions and was impressed with the material. Our public school system ran a program for our neighborhood, for FREE, and offered FREE CHILDCARE!
Good luck.
I know this may sound insane and mean however my son went through the same thing. One day while I was at my wits end and his was in the floor freaking out with his eyes closed and not listening to me I reacted by spraying him in the face with water from the sprayer on the kitchen sink. Let me tell you did it ever get his attention. I felt horrible at first but then when I realized it work I was pretty proud of myself. He threw a fit a couple of days later and this time I threw a cup of water I was drinking at him. Needless to say it only took the two times to get his attention. Life was better after that.
Malini,
Look up Loveandlogic.com. James Dobson's sight. Read
T. Berry Brazelton. And while you do all of the above step over your child like you don't hear or see him.
Or say everyone feels like crying sometimes do in you room, when you feel better come be with me and we'll sit down and read a book or simply you can be with the family.
No matter what path you decide to do "do it" and know that this behavior with a driving liences with be a bad thing.
S.
Sometimes the worse they act at 3 the better so you can work this all out before they are 15. Pray,the good Lord will give you guidance. Reading Proverbs is also very wise.
Hi Malini,
OMG!! to the person who said he may have ADD! How dare that ISH! Sweetie there is nothing wrong with your baby. He's just at that age. My 3 1/2 year old son is going through the exact same thing and he's an only child so it doesn't have anything to do with your new babies either. I think they just go through a faze where they want everything their way, and we have to teach them to compromise and share! Good Luck and God Bless
Dear Malini:
I tried Dr. Dobsons book and it led to more aggression. What worked with my son was teaching him what I wanted and why. We discussed everything. When he understood and "bought into it", he cooperated.
Jen
I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter - she is very difficult at times to say the least - she's been through a lot (heart transplant) and we have had trouble keeping her unde control at times. We say a development specialist last week and she strongly recommended the book - "Disciplining the Strong-Willed Child". Of course I haven't gotten it yet - but I'm going to as soon as I find time to read!!!! Good luck!
