Need Advice About Neighbors' Son

We have a phrase around here: "Mommy's voice is like the wind."

It just means that the voice of the Mommy is always weaker than the voice of others, because we trust Mommy to love us even if we don't obey.

When I had a similar situation, I found that my friend just wasn't ever going to follow through and be firm and solid about it, so I decided I would risk offending her to fix the situation. I simply took the correctional behavior of our Montessori teacher, got down at the other child's level at the FIRST SIGN of the behavior, and face-to-face said matter-of-factly, "We do not play rough. No, thank you." And I would wait until the child showed some sign he'd heard me before moving. Rinse. Repeat.

The most crucial thing is to intervene BEFORE it escalates- we can see the signs it's heading there before it's too late. After 5 or 6 stops, the child will be absolutely be on some higher awareness, but won't necessarily adopt better behaviors immediately.

The voice of another mother is stronger for them than their own mother's and a quiet, matter-of-fact statement with *few* words, especially repeated, is consistent and thus powerful.

Couple this with at time-out chair for really tough cases, and the consistency wins each time. Punishment isn't as powerful as consequence- and if you just stay on top of it it turns the situation beautifully!!

One other thing: your son should know the power of his voice, and unbelievably, at our kids' school, the words, "No, thank you" are STOP words because they are consistently used and respected. Teach your son that he can say, "No" to another child being rough with him, and if you see it's not heeded by the other, you go eye-level and tell the other child that your son said, "No," and say, "'No' means stop."

Again, given consistent attention, this will empower your son so that his confidence may influence how other children treat him, and other children learn respect as a side-effect!

Best of luck!!

I have a friend in the neighborhood that I've had the same situation with...what I've found is that when her son comes to our house to play, he's better behaved because he knows that we have rules, and that I will correct him if he doessomething that violates that (like push my son on the stairs). He's a nice kid, and he doesn't play rough to be mean, but he's a pretty hyper kid overall, and I think that's just his personality. His mom tells me all the time how he "wears her out" and I know he doesn't have any schedule or discipline at home, so it's really not the poor kid's fault. Every time dad comes to pick him up, he'll hit and kick dad (because he doesn't want go home), and dad doesn't do anything about that. The last time it happened in my house, I told him "that's not ok. We do not hit or kick people, or we have to sit in time out." I tried really hard not to discipline other people's kids, but the parents seem grateful to just have someone that can control their son! So he doesn't act that way at our house anymore...Maybe you can try just having him over to your place instead of taking your son over there. You might find that the boy will listen to you, whereas it's free reign at his house. My son likes his friend, and I too, didn't want to alienate his mom, so that's the approach I've taken. If, however, he's truly violent around your son, and it's not just the case of him getting over-excited or playing rough, then I would be honest with her, and tell her that he can't come over anymore until he learns how to play nicely.

Maybe have a chat with his mom and see if u guys can work something out so u don't feel afraid to take your son over there.

You don't want a friendship to develop that is teaching your son how to act wrong. You want playmates that are a good influence on him, even at this age.

I also have a next door neighbor and I absolutely refuse my 5-year-old daughter to go over to play because the parents cuss and don't supervise and the kid is just wild. Sometimes in the summer we're outside playing at the same time, and they play together with me watching, and he might end up wandering over to our yard, but that's it.

I wouldn't continue the playdates. If you want to stay friends with the mom just don't make a big deal about them ending! Keep in touch with her over the phone or while hubby is home so you can walk over and chat while he stays with your son. Another thing to think about is if the neighbor boy is okay/nice when he comes to your house, you can just be the host of the playdates from now on.

Good luck.

Hi S., Maybe you could try bringing them over to your house to play. Maybe a change in enviroment would help. How old is the other little boy? Maybe he needs a different type of punishment, a time out away from the situation or something. My youngest is 4 and he's kind of rough sometimes because he has older brothers that are kind of rough with him and he has adapted by being tough as well. He also can get really wound up and not have the maturity to unwind in a posistive way and then removing him from the situation and giving him some quiet time with me and making the older boys chill helps. Hope it gets better, moms need lots of adult time to keep from going insane.;)
M. B.

S., I would agree with the other mom...invite them to your house. My best friend and I have boys the same age...3. They have played together since birth and seem to take turns on who is the agressive one. It seems to usually be the one whom's house we are at. What we usually do and what works for ours is to tell them that if they are going to be too rough with their friends they won't be able to play with them. If it continues we send them to a seperate room until they can handle themselves. Sometimes it takes several trips to the room. Fortunately I have never had to deal with my friend not handling it well....I am not sure how I would deal with that. Best of luck. Maybe it will help to be at your house. The other suggestion I have for not ending your friendship with the other mom is to invite her for a mom's night out...just you two for dinner and bowling or a trip to the mall. Best of luck. C.

I don't know if I can offer too much advise because i have a 2 1/2 year old boy that seems to play very rough also, i try so hard to make him play nice since we also have a 8 month old at home. Everyone that i ask just tells me that it is because he is a boy and i understand so much that your child comes first, but unless he is being rough enough that he is hurting your child then i would continue to let him play with the kid next door. I may just say this because Luke plays rough and i want him to have friends, but i don't know! I am sorry that i could not be more helpful and i hope that your child is able to not be mean but stick up for himself if someone is being mean to him. I would never want a child to be mean to another, but be able to either get away or tell the child somehow that he is getting to rough!

22 year old with a 2 year old and 8 month old!