Need Advice for Son

I think 4 is about the age when children start noticing the differences. Also, it's good for children to start understanding boundaries and that mommy needs private time or alone time. I am constantly cuddling and snuggling with my two girls but they know that there are certain times when I need private time...it's okay to start teaching that concept and this is the perfect situation for it. good luck.

I have three boys, ages 9 down to 5, and although I think all children reach stages at different ages, I have found with all three of my boys that they really begin to take notice of the differences between boys and girls between the ages of 4 and 5. It seemed like especially once they turned 5 they suddenly became more curious. That being said, it's around the time each of them turned four that I became more modest around them and start very slowley teaching them to be modest too. Of course they are all very different. My nine and seven year olds could care less (at least around the house) if they are totally nude, while our five-year-old is very modest and gets very embarrassed to be seen without his underwear on. All this being said, i think it really depends on your comfort level, as well as at what stage your son is. Also, would Dad be willing/comfortable with showering with your son? ...maybe something to consider if it would appease your son. As for you, I would just say continue to cuddle, hug and love on him the rest of the day. Good luck!

Well, I'm probably one of the few who respond to this post that doesn't think it is a problem to shower with your child and can't believe there are poeple that worry about letting their child see them naked past 4 years old. It is like they are afraid their child might be some kind of pervert if they shower with you. Quite the opposite, children who shower with parents usually get used to seeing nakedness and it isn't dirty or intriguing - just normal and natural. They are LESS curious in school than someone who acts like nakedness is something to be "careful" about. My opinion.

Also, why do you think that kids like showering with parents? Your son is three and you give him lots of attention, and that is wonderful. But a shower is like a special world to a child. The water is relaxing and creates this unique environment -the whole world is "out" and they are locked in this special little place with just you and them.

Saying no and pushing the "you are a big boy" thing might work, but why make him feel like he has to give up this special time to be a "big boy"??

I do understand you wanting your own space, too.

I would say compromise. Tell him that you like to have a shower by yourself but that you also like to shower with him sometimes and then just let him know that he can shower with you on occassion - but not everytime. It is up to you - but don't worry about it being appropriate or not appropriate at this age. When the child starts feeling "uncomfortable" with showering with you - he will naturally start wanting to shower alone. :)

I agree with the bathing suit idea.

And Barbara F...take a pill! LOL!

Oh for Pete's sake, if you don't feel comfortable with him taking a shower with you then don't! You have every right to shower or not with whom you wish! Don't let your husband or your son or others put a guilt trip on you! For the life of me I can't understand why people want to jerk moms around and treat them like they don't have any life anymore that doesn't pertain to someone else's needs! Your son will get over it and won't be in a doctor's office someday explaining that his mom didn't shower with him. Moms..get over it!

I'm suprised how split the vote is on this, but I'm with the group that says it is okay. I'm a single mom, but my ex husband has a very good relationship with him, too, and feels the same way.

My son just turned 5 and likes to be with me, but is slowly finding it comfortable to do things on his own. He went through a stage where he wanted to shower with me rather than bathe, because that's what babies did. I let him and then he wanted to sit and play in the water once I got out. It was a good conversion to showering for him. On occasion he still wants to hop in with me, but not much. I found it was a bigger stressor if I rejected him, rather than let him try something. For example, he has worn my make-up, jewerly, fingernail polish, and on and on. Once he "had the experience" he lost interest. ((But this DOES NOT apply to alcohol or drugs!!))

I never got a lot of privacy with him through the early years, because he was very, very attached. He would even pound on the bathroom doors when I went to the bathroom. I just sucked it up and got used to him coming in and out whenever he "needed" to and nudity doesn't shock him, whereas kids that are taught it is naughty seem more inclined to sneak to see it when they get older. I'm pleased to say he has turned into a very happy, healthy, and normally modest kid without hang-ups. He is starting to understand privacy, modesty, and all of that without embarassment.

He asks tons of questions about babies, body parts, et cetera and once answered plainly (without too much detail) he was happily satisfied. He understands that how things are and it is okay. I've even shown him pics of babies growing in utero (sp?) from baby books because he was sooooo curious.

He also knows the differece between good and bad. In your own house with family you are safe, but strangers should not approach in public bathrooms and it is NEVER okay for ANYONE to touch privates but him. I think the more comfortable you can be with your kids, the better off they will be.
Good luck.

we all showered together when the kids were that age. As they got older we taught them how to take a shower and now they shower alone.

Well, I have a 5yo and just last weekend I put him in the shower with me. I got in first and did most of my work and then called him back and let him get in. I jumped out after I gave him a quick wash and let him play while I dried off. I usually only do this when we are pressed for time, but not very often. I also think he realized that it's not as fun as taking a bath with his toys, we have a stand up single shower, no tub and I did not put any toys in with us, and it's a tight fit for us both, plus he can't get away from the water. So maybe try this and he will get the hint that it's not much fun and prefer to bath in the tub. Just a thought. Also, my son is on the spectrum (mildly) so he might not be as curious about certain things as your son. Good luck.

When my daughter was 3 1/2 she wanted to start showering with either her father or me. We would usually let her. I would get her showered first and get her father to get her out and dried off while I finished my shower. I think she was ready to start showering, but not ready to shower alone. We didn't let her shower with us every day, usually on the weekends when we were both home. It only lasted for a couple of months and then she was ready to shower on her own. She has been taking a shower by herself since she was around 4.

I think that if you're uncomfortable with it, then you shouldn't do it. Would your husband be comfortable showering with his 3 year old daughter? That is about the age when many of them become aware of different body parts. My kids go in and out when I'm showering, in the bathroom, whatever. It is aggravating for me, but not 'weird'. If it were weird (to me), I'd put an inside lock on the door - because they already know how to slide the 'normal' knob lock open.

S.

I quit bathing/showering with my oldest son when he asked if he could push my buttons.

Wear a bathing suit! That way he gets to play with mom in the water and you can have your private time when he's out!

Explain to him this is your relaxing time, and mom needs a bit of just her time to relax, and you love him, but he can take a bath with a (boat) bath toys etc. and you need your time, and you love him, so he should understand, tell him.

If you're uncomfortable, it is ok to say no. If saying no makes your son sad and you feel bad, why not take a shower after he has gone to bed at night for a while, so you don't have to say no?

I absolutely agree with you. If you would prefer to shower alone, then you should. It's important for kids to learn that mom needs privacy and even though they don't want privacy at 3-4 years old, they will one day. There is nothing wrong with you taking 15 minutes to shower alone, and I would hope that your husband would understand that. My hubby is like yours though, he doesn't get why I just won't shower/bathe with the kids...and don't get me wrong, I have in the past, and would if necessary, however, I am with them all day long and need some personal time. I think you are doing great. Try to keep the explaination simple - mommy needs time alone and that people's privates aren't for anyone to look at too.

I agree - I love my shower time (it's the only "me" time I get)! Can you discuss reasons with him -- maybe it's that he wants to take a shower but is not sure what to really do while in there? Things work different than a bath. Maybe one night a week you can shower him (not with him) by having the curtain half open and helping out and playing? Maybe he's just trying to figure out the transition from fun bath time to purposeful shower time.

We always took showers with our parents on weekends growing up, it was a community/fun thing I guess. I remember they were always singing in the shower so I'm sure that was appealing to us and it was easier to get us clean too instead of killing their backs bending over to a bath full of kids.

Let him shower. it just means that he is not yet consious of the differences. when he will be, trust me you would not be able to even give him a bath by himself. I use to shower with my daughter and son when they were 4 and 5. Now at 5 and 6, they tell me to get out when they use the toilet.

Personally, I cut my son out of the bathroom with me at age 3. I am a woman and have memories of my parent's being naked that I really wish I did not have. So, I decided not to be naked in front of my son after age 3. He felt a little bit rejected about it, but got over it.

I remember this question being asked at a child education class I took. The teacher said it was okay to bath with your child until it starts making you uncomfortable. When it gets to that point, give it up. I know how you feel. I bath with my almost 3 yr old and he's starting to get curious. If your husband is cool with it, let him shower with your son. Plus it's just nice to have 20 min alone too.

My 4 year boy old still showers with me and my 7 year old will shower with my husband (not all the time for both, just on occassion). My boys don't think anything of it as we don't make a big deal of it. Of course the big question has come up (why doesn't mommy have a pe*** like they do), but we just tell them that's how God mad men and women. They are fine with that. I will stop when I feel uncomfortable.

BTW, my 4 year old loves to shower with me. He plays with a washcloth and squegee. I do turn him down when I want alone time in the shower. I get that too much togetherness is not a good thing :)

If you feel uncomfortable with it, don't do it. If he's starting to notice differences, don't do it. There's no hard and fast rule, but I stopped showering with my now 4 year old when he was about 3.5. The only time I've done it since is when he threw up on both of us -- I kept my underwear on in the shower. I'm not a prude; I used to walk around topless for the first three years of his life (during the summer) and my son still sees me topless every once in a while, but he hasn't said anything about the top part, only the bottom part.

Why don't you have him shower with daddy. My son LOVES to shower with his daddy and there's no discussion about differences in parts because they have the same stuff.

Figure out something that ONLY the two of you do that him and daddy DON'T do so he can feel that specialness with you. We have those things at our house and it makes those special things Extra Special since my son realizes it's only a mommy thing or only a daddy thing.

I do not think that there is anything wrong with taking a shower with your son at this age but you said you want that alone time so that is your answer. Mom's and Dad's need to take a little "Me" time. My son is 6 now and my 15 minutes of shower or bath time are the only "me" time that I have. My family knows that every night after the dish’s are done, the homework is complete and the books have been read I take my bath, sometimes I just jump in and out but sometimes I read a little and relax. Being home with small kids is a joy and a blessing that some do not have but you still need to take care of you.

S.

I personally am suprised by how many responders said go ahead and shower with him. I guess i'm in the minority here but I think the shower together should be in the earlier years. Four and up seems too old for me in that kids seem to start being more aware of body parts and differences and I think it's the right time to begin explaining modesty and privacy....has anyone ever though of how OPEN teens are these days about their bodies and wondered if they were taught that the body is a personal thing then maybe they wouldn't send text messages of body parts and share their bodies so freely? don't get me wrong...four is still young to me but you have to decide when you start these lessons....i hope i'm not sounding prudish...i have a heck of a time getting private time in the bathroom for whatever reason i'm there b/c the lock doesn't work and we have only one but as far as full nudity in the shower/bath....when they start to notice this and that is when you go separate. Your son is NOT going to be damaged mentally b/c you didn't take him in teh shower with you after age four. you said you spend lots of time with him...sounds good. It really depends on his maturity level I suppose...that would be something you'd have to gauge. but I'd say if you are uncomfortable now why would it be better?

Can he just shower alone? Because he's such a "big boy" and all. You two could "take turns." I think he's too big to start showing with you at this point.

My shower time is my alone time...
Also, when my 5 year old was about 4 HE starting making comments that made me uncomfortable and staring so I just made the rule... when mommy is showering, dressing, or using the toilet she needs some alone time. My 2.5 has no clue and still showers with me, also a boy.

My 5 year old still showers with my husband though

Around the age of 4 our son wanted to take showers only so when my husband was home he took a shower with him.

Around the age of 5 I believe he started taking showers all the time but I was in there to make sure he was okay.

I would have your son take a shower with your husband and not you. That's just my opinion. Good luck

Turn shower/bath time with daddy into a special time so that he will want to shower with daddy and not with mommy (and mommy can look forward to some private "me " time)!! He may feel hurt at first, but he will get over it faster than you think.

Children want to do what we do when we do it there is nothing wrong with that. He just wants to feel he is a part of everything you do. That doesn't mean you take him every time you shower you do need your own time to be with you something we moms never get. Maybe once a week or week and half.

I have a son that will soon turn 4 as well, and he loves to shower with my husband or I. He's a mommy's boy and loves to cuddle. I also have a 5-month old, so often times I only get a shower every other day. The shower is just about the only place I can be alone, so I cherish that 10-15 minutes. I completely understand about it being YOUR time. Don't feel guilty about taking a shower alone... when you're at home with small children all day, it may be the only thing to keep you sane! Happy showering!

Well, if you feel uncomfortable and want to take a shower alone; I don't see anything wrong with that. Now my daughter is much younger - two. She sometimes wants to take a bath we me; however, there are many times when I just need to take a bath by myself. She gets over it. As you mentioned, there are plenty of other things that you can do with your son that will provide him love and comfort. Good luck!

I agree with Holly. Whenever it makes you or your child uncomfortable, it's time to stop. I don't think there is a specific age; it's different for each child (and maybe for each mom). My oldest got way too curious and made me uncomfortable by the way he was staring at me when he was about 3.5, so I stopped being naked around him then. My almost 5 year old still doesn't seem to notice if I'm wearing clothes or not, so I don't worry about changing in front of him. I don't shower with him though. I need my alone time. :-)

My son just turned 3 and my husband says it's time to stop showering with him, but sometimes it is just easier when I am in a rush! Though, my son hasn't started noticing any differences, and my one year old is in with us as well, so they usually just play together. (crowded, I know, it will have to stop soon!)

But, for your situation, I would just tell him that you really need to shower alone since he is getting bigger, the shower is getting more crowded and not as roomy for the both of you, and that you need your alone time in the shower. Maybe you can explain to him that showering for you is like the time you relax and think about things you need to do, like a nap time.

Let him know that now that he is a big boy, going in the potty, learning to tie his shoes and write letters... that part of growing up and becoming a big boy is to also take showers alone.

Hope some of that may help!

I'd be curious about the answer to this as I have a 2 year old boy. I'm a work at home mom, so he's always with me, and of course follows me into the bathroom. He generally plays while I shower, but sometimes he sits outside the shower door, occassionally looking in. He's not really body-curious about me that I can see.

Maybe you should ask him WHY he wants to take a shower with you if this is a new request. Has your routine changed in such a way that the shower has become interesting? Does he ususally take a shower or a bath? Maybe he just wants to learn how, and since you're the primary caregiver, taking a shower with you makes sense. Take turns with your husband doing the shower with son thing - he may shift over to dad if he notices dad has the same parts as he does. :)

Good luck!

Hello D.,

one way to wiggle out of his request is by YOU taking your shower before he gets up or after he goes to bed. maybe you can do it one last time (don't tell him is the last time) and at that age I don't think they need too many explanations. he'll be wanting some privacy soon so... don't worry about it too much. and I bet that you're thinking more about this issue than he is. hang in there! ~C.~

I think that by the time kids are 2 they should not bath with their parents. I bathed with my sons as infants only and by the time they could sit up without assistance then they took their own bath.

Perhaps just explaining that when you take a shower it's mommy time- all mommies need time alone and taking a shower is your alone time. Reassure him that you will spend time with him when you get out.

Either that or take a shower after he goes to bed or before he wakes up.

Just a thought.

Hi,

I think its your choice weather you do or not but I wanted to say to everyone that thinks nakedness is a bad thing that it is what we make it. I mean I cnange my clothes in front of my 6,4 and 2 year old boys and dont make a big deal out of it and they dont think any thing of it. recently my 6 year old said mommy I see your butt and I said I see your butt :o) and that was it... i mean if you make your body a shamful thing then they will think that is is a misterious thing... but the perverts are the people whos moms made them think they are dirty for being naked and all that, not the ones who have healthy normal feelings about the human body.

My 6 year old wanted to shower with me when he was 4-5 but now that he is 6 he is a big boy and wants to do it by himslef... so he will grow out of it naturally.

good luck
A. J

Hello D. I don't think it is a good Idea that your son shower with you at that age there mines start to develop. Even though you have raised your son right but when he get to preschool are daycare are school and want to see are feel are see a little girls private part ,you will start to wonder were did he get that from and you know that you have not taught them that. You have to watch the seeds that you plant in your kids mine and head . Because he thinks it's ok to shower and see mommy private parts that is when your husband needs to come in so that he will see a man and how a man handles business.That is why they call boys mannish.We as parent have to watch what we do and we are thinking it is ok because they are young and just little kids and it want harm them but it's the seeds that will start to grow and became a problem later on. But it's your child and you raise him how you want be this is my advice .

I used to have baths with my children often, now I just want a little bath time on my own because they are bigger (girl 3 1/2 & boy 5 1/2)... so we have one bath together a week - 'a special time'. & that's really what it is, special.

I am all about alone time, especially when they are so young. Every family knows what's appropriate for them, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

I think that if you start that now it will be very hard to stop and at a certain age it becomes inappropriate obviously. Offer to stay in the bathroom with him while he is in the shower and see if that will pacify him. That being said, it is ultimately your decision and what you feel works for you, but since you've stated your preference I wouldn't let him have his way. THere are just certain times that mommy needs some time alone!!! good luck

I am a SAHM also,and have a son who will be 4 in April, and he LOVES taking baths or showers alone or with someone. He is our little water monkey! LOL

Any way, I used to take baths with him when he was an infant, and then showers with him when he could sit and play by himself safely. As a stay at home mom, I had very few times to do things for myself, and even less time to do it alone. Since he has turned 3, I have not felt comfortable showering with him any more, so we just allowed him to shower with my husband when he is home. Since my husband is a fireman, he is not home as often as we would like, so on days that he is not home, we just make a fun bubble bath in his tub, and have lots of fun toys, then when daddy is home, he can shower with him. My son did ask why he can't take showers with me any more, and I just told him that he is a big boy now, and so that means he gets to take showers with daddy now. It is just that he is a boy and mommy is a girl, and we just cant do those things anymore.

hope that helps!Good luck
S.

The question is if you are uncomfortable showering with him. If this is the case, then start being honest with him. If it is your only "alone" time. Then again be honest with him.
My son sometimes asks me the same and I don't have a problem with it. He is already asking to shower by himself. Not often but it is starting.

Hi D.,
My son just turned four. And,I have just started teaching my son about privacy. I tell him when I am in the bath I would like a little privacy. I think he is ready though because he is getting where he doesn't want me to see him on the potty!!! He does shower with my husband. I know he is getting curious because he will stare when I change my clothes. I try not to make it a big deal. I just try and change when he is in another room. I say, we Mom's get so little "me" time that you should be able to relax in the tub/shower and not feel guilty about it. Some days I will have my teenager,my four year old and the dog all in the bathroom with me while sitting on the toilet!! I mean GIve me a break,already!!!! LOL
Have a good day,juju

You've received a lot of advice so far. It's really dependent upon your comfort level.

We're an open family and we encourage questions and talk about things including body parts openly, in the privacy of our home. It's natural for children to be curious and talking about these things matter of factly is what works best for us. My 5 year old son and 1 year old daughter occasionally shower with me because they love playing in the water. Sometimes they'll bring toys, sometimes they'll play with the squegee or sponge. A lot of times we'll spell letters and words on the shower door and it becomes a learning time. And I can quickly and easily get all of us clean at once. Saves water.

We make it fun and it does make it easier getting ready. Of course, we don't always shower together and like many of the other mothers, I need my alone time. So, often I take a shower or bath time as me time and little ones aren't invited.

Go with whatever you feel is best and what is most comfortable for you. There's no right or wrong answer here.

That's funny I have a 4 year old boy that does the same thing! He is going through a stage where he has to be close to me all the time. I feel that if I just let him stay close over time he will pull away on his own. I let him stay in the bathroom while I shower, but not in it. However, had a couple of times where I gave in and just put my swimsuit on!!!

absolutely not! you want to shower by yourself then do so! let your son shower coed when he's off to college

I don't see a problem with letting him take a shower with you. I don't think it is weird or perverted or anything. Nakedness does not always equal sexuality, but that is a common perception in our culture. However, if it makes you really uncomfortable, then you should not do it.

And don't worry, eventually, he will become much more modest himself. He won't want to bathe with you forever or anything. He will just cue you in on it by his own behavior.

Maybe you should just put some more thought into why it bothers you so much then try to look at your thinking from a less emotional perspective and a more logical perspective?

Good luck with your decision. I'm sure your son will grow up fine and well adjusted either way!

I would shower with him for HIS showers, and shower alone for YOURS. You get two showers that way, so it's really a win-win! When he's 16, and doesn't want you around, you'll wish you had showered with him! :)

D.,

I think your son is too old to shower with you. Instead, have him shower with your husband.

NO ten times NO

this is like letting them sleep in the same bed with you. a habit that might be hard to break. as long as your child is safe, clean, fed... then he'll be okay for the five minutes it takes to get a shower. also lock the bathroom door because he will probably try entering the bathroom, blah, blah, blah... Remember stick to the word NO and do not, I repeat do not let him take a shower with you.