Need Advice from Mom's of Teenage Boys

Any of this have to do with his younger brother suddenly passing away last year or having a mom go through this? You said you are single...does he have a dad?

This behavior is completely foreign to me, I never got teenage attitude from my daughter.

If he's never done chores, why would he choose to now? is that the case?

I am 30 years old and if I'm at my parents house, I will still pick up when they ask. Just by default! I don't think this is an age issue.

When you ask for help and he refuses, say ok. Then next time he asks to do something or go somewhere that requires your assistance, you say No. When he asks why you remind him that he wouldn't help you. Then you go on your way. Do NOT give in when he whines and yells.
Next time you ask for help, you can bet your bottom dollar he will help.

He either contributes to maintaining the household through his actions (cleaning), or he goes out and gets a job and pays you a certain amount of money that you deem appropriate. You also stop doing all of his laundry, cooking his meals, driving him around, allowance and anything else you can pull.

But like others have asked ... what are his "normal" chores that he does around the house? Surely you haven't let him freeload this long!

The answer is you can't make him. You have to have this conversation with him very calmly (NOT in the middle of an argument).

Everyday he is making decisions about the person he is becoming. Every one of those decisions makes an impact, not only on who he is, but also how others see him and react to him. If he wants to be respected, he must first respect. If he wants to be loved, he must first demonstrate love. If he wants to spends the rest of his life as a punk........., well you get the idea.

Then you have to demonstrate some respect to him. Give him a space that is all his own to be as messy as he wants. It could be a bedroom, the garage, or a piece of yard. In exchange he needs to respect the needs of the household, cleaning up after himself in public areas, speaking not yelling, etc.

This WILL take time and would help if there were other adults that had direct communication with him during this trying time.

Hmm, well when my teenagers (okay, just the middle one) tried to pull that attitude I instantly turned off her phone and internet.
Funny how cutting them off from their friends, music and games makes them realize just how much they need you, and need to treat you with respect.
I also no longer do their laundry, or give them any spending money. I still feed them and pay for basic clothing, food, school and medical needs but they pay for all their own "fun" at this point, by babysitting, pet/plant care, stuff like that.
He wants to be an "adult" ? Start treating him like one, there's no better way to learn!

I can't even imagine any of my kids saying this to me. Maybe rolling their eyes at me, maybe doing a job half-assed, MAYBE lying about doing it, but never would they say "I'm not doing it because I don't respect you."

IF they did, they would lose every single privilege they had, including all electronics, most of their clothes, I would clean out their room and leave a mattress for them to sleep on, no pillow. Seriously, that simply would not fly around here. And two of my boys are bigger than me, but they still respect The Mama.

That said, I'm not much of an authoritarian-type parent. There would have to be something terribly wrong in their world for them to speak to me like that. The few times they have been disrespectful in that way, it was because something was going on with them I didn't know about, like a friend issue or something. In your case, you don't have that second parent to back you up, so they are pushing your buttons because they think they can. Don't let them, let them get a taste of the real world.

Did he clean the house and do his chores up until now? Like he woke up and found hair where there wasn't hair before and decided that he was a man and men don't do housework?

I can call my 25 year old over here and he will come clean. I could walk into my 14 year old's room and said hey, this needs attention and he will do it. If either woke up one day and said nope, ain't happening, it isn't about cleaning you know?

Now if you woke up last week and discovered a new pair of hands...well that is a different animal as well. You can't give a child no responsibility and then wake up one day and expect him to say sure, seems fair mom.

It sounds like his father's treatment of you is a tremendous influence. If you are now separated or divorced, your son is transitioning between 2 households where the discipline style is not the same. He may be hearing things about you, about how men have to boss around the women in their life, and so on. I would have suggested taking away all the electronics which kids think are essential, but you say you have done that. And if father pays for them and gives them to him when you're not around, that's a problem. But you can still control things in your own house unless you are afraid that he will want to live with his father and you can't live with that. But I think you have to take that risk because otherwise you will have another 3 years of hell, have your younger son see this and grow up the same way, and no matter what, you will have an older son who is just like his father.

The loss of your younger son is wearing on all of you. Your teen may have underlying fears, or he may be an opportunist who realizes that losing a child is so painful for you that you will give in to him rather than lose him to his father. Perhaps he feels you are responsible for the loss of the brother - kids often have limited understanding despite their age - and be trying to punish you in some way. That's a job for a therapist.

I would also remember he's going to expect to be driving in a year or so - that is powerful motivation. My brother was disrespectful and defiant, and that's what my parents did. They let him get his permit but then withheld the car, which was more immediate. Disrespect today, no car today. Disrespect the next day, no car today and tomorrow. My neighbors did the same with their daughter. She kept mouthing off, and they grounded her for a week, then two. She kept yelling and they said, "Okay, a month." She screamed, "Oh, why not TWO MONTHS?" They said, "OKAY!" After about a month, she really changed her tune. It was HER CHOICE to stay grounded because she kept up with the attitude.

Your son probably doesn't want to hear any lectures that skills don't miraculously appear when he gets his own place. He's also not going to get his own place until he has a really good paying job, which he won't get or won't keep if he is lazy, has no work ethic, and treats people like he's the boss. You can let him know that, if he wants a girlfriend, he needs to learn to listen more, boss less, and have a work ethic. If he doesn't want a girlfriend, he's on the right track!

I think that you can try to do this now, or you can just ignore him and walk away. I'm not sure what you mean when you say grounding hasn't worked and taking away privileges doesn't work. Why doesn't it work? Because he sulks and rants and still treats you in a nasty way? Okay, so then what happens? Do you give in and restore the privileges because it's too exhausting to hold out? Does he wear you down and you feel that the punishment is not effective, so you give in? You've got to find a backbone and just outlast him. You have survived so much, so you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have perspective, you have the long view and are not just dealing with today, you are dealing with his future. He is a teen, his brain is not fully developed (especially the part that predicts risks and consequences), and he is living for today.

There was a book that was popular a few years ago - something like "I hate you. Will you take me to the mall?" - about kids who are horrible and then want a favor or a privilege. A teacher colleague used to recommend it to all the middle school parents we were meeting with in conferences who were all talking about kids who didn't do their work or gave attitude. Your library probably has it so don't spend the money, but it might give you help and support.

It's been said that children's job is to go to school and grow up responsibly, and to have the best possible time doing it. They have a lot of control and make a lot of choices, but they have to own the consequences of NOT doing it. Losing privileges and staying home and not getting a ride and not having dinner cooked for them are THEIR CHOICES, based on their actions. I would let your son keep his own room the way he wants to - and just close the door. Public spaces are another thing. Those you may hae to clean up, but that means taking all of their stuff lying on the floor and putting it in a big bin or a trash can. They want it, they look for it and clean it off. That means backpacks, shoes, jackets, wallets, iPods, ANYTHING. Don't sort, don't match shoes, don't keep track. IF they are old enough to defy you, they are old enough to keep track of their own junk.

I would put him in charge of his own stuff, his own lunch, his own laundry, starting today. Teach both boys how to do laundry and fold sheets and that sort of thing. If they won't listen, that's their problem. DO NOT pick up their clothes, put them in the hamper or the wash, do not fold or put away. If they leave stuff lying around, oh well, they won't have anything to wear. Nothing horrible will happen if they wear something twice, wear something wrinkled, or wear something mismatched. They will scream but so what? They'll probably say that everyone will know you're a bad mother, to which you respond that, if they want to tell their friends that they themselves are too stubborn or too incompetent to pick up their own things, that's up to them. You don't answer to their friends or to public opinion.

If they don't want to go to school because of it, if you can't force them on to the bus, let them stay home and do the laundry, and then on the way in to school, they sign in at the office and sit with the principal to explain why it wasn't important to them to do what was expected. You do not write a note, tell a lie, or bail them out.

I do think you can have higher standards for the 15 year old than the younger son, but I think it's essential that the younger one have some responsibilities and that he begins to learn some skills. Laundry is where I would start. It's what worked for us. Sweaty boys and sports stuff.

There are no rides to activities. There are no lunches made. There are no demands about dinner. If you feel you must cook, then do so and leave it on the stove for them to serve themselves. Do not make breakfast or lunches - they can get their own breakfast and make their own lunches, either at the time or the night before, depending on their summer activities. If you need to take them to a summer camp for the day because you have to go to work, fine. But nothing else. No rides to friends, no parties, no weekend activities, no luxuries. If the little one behaves, he gets a ride. If the older one yells and finally says, "Okay FINE! I picked up my backpack, are you satisfied? So now drive me," the answer is no. Keep up good work and no mouth, and I will drive you tomorrow. Keep up the mouth, and no ride tomorrow. Do not let them blackmail you and say "Okay, I'll walk and if I get kidnapped, it's on you." That's emotional blackmail and you can't give in.

I'm telling you now that this is going to get worse before it gets better, but you CAN do it. The more he acts out, the calmer you have to be. You DO have the control. If your ex gets in your face about it, you don't have to listen or be berated. You have to talk about their health and their education and safety, but not about laundry or cell phones.

Good luck with this. I know it's hard. But they DO come around. If you don't do this, you will have 3 years of hell before he graduates, and you will have added another abusive man to the dating pool.

you take away everything that is a privilege. that would be the following.

cell phone
electronic equipment 9tv, computer, radio, cable etc)
bedroom door
pop
goodies
spending money
rides to places

Then don't do anything for him.
The problem is not that he is not helping.
The problem is him.
His attitude and selfishness.

I have a friend that is a single parent and she has a son. Teenager.
What she did is, she got her son a Mentor. From our local "Big Brothers/Big Sisters" organization. They are nation wide.
Look it up, for your city.
This helped her son, and her, immensely.
Her son needed a role model. And her Ex Husband was a looser jerk. So this is how she thought outside the box, on how to help her son. And her.
And her son, really liked it and it helped.

Your son is 15.
When he tells you "how are you going to make me?" I would tell him "you are my son. I am a single Mom. I try my best, everyday. I am human. But I try my best, for you and your brother. Everyday. When you treat me that way.... you are being mean. It hurts my heart. I am your Mom. No matter what. So you think about that. Real hard. And grow up."

SHOW him, a list of all the bills you pay.
Show him, the grand total, each month, of the bills you must pay. No matter what.
He wants to be grown up, so start teaching him. Now.
Show him, that things do not just appear, because he wants it.
He is lucky, he has a Mom.
He is lucky, he has things and food.
He is lucky, he has a Mom that works for him and his brothers.
Show him, the hard facts....
He has a roof over his head.
He should be thoughtful, of that.
His Mom, pays the bills.
Tell him about life.
As a Mom, chatting with her son.
Not just about punishments.
Create a relationship, with him.
He will be out of high school one day.
What is he going to make of himself?
Just be a 15 year old, that acts like a 2 year old telling his Mom "you can't make me...."?

Show him and tell him, that hurting your heart with his words and actions... is a really low thing to do.
And then, walk away.
Let him mull over it.
Don't fight with him.
Tell him, you are his Mom. And when life is tough and he has no one, he has a Mom. You.
Show him, all the bills you pay.
And that, its about time, he be real.
Not like some TV character.
Give him a dose of reality.
When he tells you "how are you going to make me," tell him "And how am I going to pay all these bills each month so we have a roof over our head?"
You need to be working. And be useful. And realize you are a part, of this family. Not a freeloader.

He is 15 and needs to realize, what paying bills means.
Show him all the bills. Be blunt.
Since he thinks he can just get a place of his own.
Don't give him or buy him, things.
You gotta teach him the basics of life.

Grounding and taking away things doesn't work? If you are consistent with grounding and taking away privileges, and he still doesn't help, I am going to offer you a perspective that will probably be different than other people's:

If you have no support from your son's father on this, and you are trying to do it all yourself, and you can't make your son do chores, then stop trying to make him do chores. Just do them yourself, it will be easier in the long run, than trying to nag and discipline him all the time, and you will do a better job. For the small amount of time it might save you if he does a couple of chores, you will spend many more hours having to pester your son.

Allow your son to focus on his schoolwork, and save yourself the aggravation. My kids hardly did any chores, partly because I was a SAHM and I wanted them to focus on their schoolwork and have jobs, and partly because my husband didn't back me up on any discipline.

My grown kids are now fine. My oldest son and his wife work out the chores between them, and my daughter does almost all the cleaning among her 3 roommates, since she got used to living in a clean house. Youngest son still doesn't do anything, but he's rarely home anyway. And at least he gets straight A's in school.

Let it go. Not worth the aggravation. And I hope you're not giving him allowance.

Does he at least take care of his own stuff? If he leaves something out, throw it out. Don't pester him to clean. Put his dirty dishes in his room. Don't give him any money or rides. Don't let him have friends over unless his room is clean. Tell them to leave if you have to. Definitely don't let him get his licenses when he turns 16. Don't argue with him. Tell him in advance what you are going to do and follow through.

I would not do a thing for him. Give him a laundry basket for his dirty clothes and point him to washing machine. He is hungry, show him where the kitchen is. Needs a ride somewhere, oh well, guess he is not going. He will figure things out real,soon.

Then obviously you haven't taken enough away.

Give him a pillow a blanket and a mattress, a couple of outfits, nothing but necessities. Don't wash his clothes, don't cook him food, he's free to help himself to PB&J for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He can walk anywhere he needs to go, personally he'd be grounded on top of it.

Do NOTHING for him, you only have to provide a roof over his and the very basic, needs, law doesn't say you have to be his maid.

You can't make him. However you can talk with him about what kind of person he wants to be - he is trying to figure that out. And about what makes a household work and about what things he can do to help the family work. Have you asked him how he sees himself as part of the family? How does he think his clothes get clean? Which responsibilities would he like to be in charge of?

He is not really a child anymore. When you punish him and take things away, he will only dig his heels in and act more like a child. If you start to treat him as a young adult who will be living on his own (at least in a dorm) in 3 years, he may start living up to that.

I would also NOT worry about him cleaning his room - as long as there is no food, I would let him have some space that he can keep however he likes.

Oh sweetie, if THIS were my son and he said to me "How are you going to make me", he would pay a BIG price.

Remove everything of his from his room except the mattress and sheet. That includes the DOOR. Leave him one week's worth of clothes that he has to wash himself, or he has no clean clothes. Any cell phone, gameboy, xbox, computer or TV should be OUT. Require housework in order to win back ANYTHING. And he should have to do several week's worth of housework before he can have anything back because of his smart mouth and refusal to respect his mother.

You need to get serious here and stand strong. If you don't change this mindset of his, you will lose ALL control over this boy. It will be ugly, too.

Please get this straightened out now.

Take it all away. Don't warn him, don't talk about it. Just start doing it. I'd get a small storage unit (the smallest they have) and get the most important things of his first so that he can't hide them.

If he thinks he's that big, take EVERYTHING that you have ever bought for him away. All he needs, by law, is one set of clean clothes and a bed with a blanket. Pillows are optional.

Tell him you are not going to "make" him do anything, but he can choose to help and earn back say the privilege of using one of YOUR pillows to sleep at night. Or an extra pair of clean socks. Oh, and he must wash his laundry in the bathtub and hang it out. He has not yet earned the privilege of using the washing machine and dryer.

Basically, tell him you can't make him do anything, but you certainly do not intend to provide him with anything either. His choice. He makes the choice and you make him live with it!