I need some advise on how to deal with a very stubborn/hardheaded smart 5 year old whom we adopted. She first came to us through dcf in Janurary of 2005 because her mom was a pos and left her with a grandmother who lost all custody of her kids and wasnt safe. She wanted to go party and then pick her up whenever she was done. Its 3 years later and she is our child. She has come a long way because when she came to us she had the learning capacity of a 9 mth old baby and she was 2 1/2 years old. She came to us when I ws 4 1/2 mths pregnant with my first child and she hasnt left. She is our child and she refuses to listen to me on anything I say. She listens to my husband and her other grandmother but when it comes to what I say she just out and out refuses. Shes not in preschool because when she was still a ward of the state the case worker did not want her to go because she would have days where she acted fine and then hit my son in the face for no reason. When she was asked why she did this she would respond "my mommy was mean so I have to be." We dont even talk about her motherr. We tried to ge her to stay in her life at first but all she wanted was her freedom. When she would come and visit for the weekend (she lived out of town) she would spend about 3 hrs with her and go get drugs or what ever she wanted for the rest of the weekend. We love her with all of our heart she is our child. She is on the waiting list with a therapist in the area but until then what to do. Im running out of options. We have done timeout and taking away toys or play time, made naps happen. I have sat down and talked to her but I dont know what to do anymore. HELP!!!!!!!
Thank you everyone for there advice and messages. They have been a great help and source of information and to know that im not the only one with this kind of situation. Nothing has really solved itself because this is a progressive process. All of your advise has pointed us in the right direction.
I just learned a valuble lesson. My son was having a heard time in school making friends and was becoming angry. I started to just hold my child until he feel a sleep. I was seeing a better attitude the next morning. I truly believe intimacy (like holding hands and hugging) was what he needed. You see I had to look at myself first to see that I wasn't who I wanted to be first.
I also have my niece about 6 months now. She was in a abusive atmosphere and everytime she talked or saw her mother she would say i hate you and i hate your house. We almost ended up giving her back but it is not fair to the child. We have come along way with her since we have had her and we hate the fact for her to go back into the situation. We have all agreed that her mother should not have no contact with her for at least 6 moths to a year. In my situatiion it is a good decision. It confuses the child when the mother comes back into their life even for only 5 minutes. They think about what has happened to them and think that is ok because that is all that they are use to. You are doing a great thing for this child and although she may not listen to you right now she will be grateful for what you are doing. It takes along time. Who knows what these children have gone through only they do. I hope this advise helps you with what we are going through also..
Dear N.,
I understand your frustration. I worked in a home for abused and neglected children and have seen these behaviour symptoms many times. My suggestions to you are not going to be the norm, mine are very effective though.
When a child is taken from their home for their own safety and placed in a treatment home or evaluation home prior to getting involved with foster care, unfortunately they are immediately placed on medicatio: seroquel, concerta, welbutrin,fluoxetine and a host of others. In a very short period of time these children display anger, anti social behavior, depression, bipolar tendencies, ADHD, and delayed learning behaviors. These medications are absolutely not necessary, but the state funded homes are under notice to give meds or not get funded. Its pure promotion and propaganda for the pharmaceutical companies tied in to the state funding.
I am sure you have done everything correctly, but a new approach is needed. I also was a Montessori teacher and find Montessori Philosophies invaluable to the exceptional child. I would start with the childs diet and get her off meds if she isnt already. There is a 3 month period of withdrawwals, sometimes longer that the child will exhibit these same or worse symptom.
Learning EFT ( emotional freedom technique) with your child and finding a naturopathic EFT practitioner would be a start. Take her off all food colorings, preservatives, and processed foods. These all aggravate the symptoms and have terrible side effects. Get the book, " Food Additives- a shoppers guide to whats safe and whats not", you can find it on the web. Basically a vegetarian ( meat hormones, GMO fed animals, and steroid pumped animals are the culprits of many disorders, as are pesticides and chemicals in food) or organic wholefoods diet is best. Grains are also a source of agitation with children, and absolutely no peanuts or peanut butter (Heavily sprayed crop- also soy and corn are all sadly GMO foods now).
I am a certified Raw Foods chef and nutrition consultant and I can help outside of this if you like. I am not saying go Raw but know there is much help in altering nutrition and learning some techniques. An Art therapist may also be fun for her, and a source of great insight to you. Your little girl has seen many things that have affected her adversely, things from when she was 1-2 years are not unusual to remember. Especially if she has had trauma with a female in her life.
I can be contacted at L. at purelovelivingfoods.com if you like with a dietary approach.
It will all work out, much patience and love is needed. Reinforce love at all costs, you will have a wonderful turn of events.
L.
Hi N.!
I am a special education teacher and have used social skill stories to help children over come anxieties that they don't quiet understand. Carol Gray shows examples of how to write them. they start off in third person with general statements like "everyone feels mad" then they become more specific and talk about what to do in situations and then the story finishes with when I feel mad, I will go to my room and- then write whatever coping technique she is more inclined to use. Like squeezing a pillow or a squishy ball. Carol Gray began writing stories for children with autism, but I will tell you they are very effective with all types of learners. :)
My advice is to you and your husband is to not give up on her, just because her mother gave up on her, she needs to know that she is loved and wanted, not that she was given away because her mother is on drugs real bad. If she is acting out it is because of her situation, seek out therapy for her, to help her understand what happened and why she is now living with you and your family. Tell her everyday that you love her. I have two grandkids that do not listen to their parents, but will listen to me, so I use a counting method which seems to work for both of them when they are getting to rowdy. they understand if I start counting to five they are in trouble and calm down. they automatically know what hapeens when I reach the number five, they either get a spanking or sit down for the rest of the day, no toys, no movies, no nothing. It is hard to be the strict parent knowing what the child has already been through, sometimes seeking outside help works, but then sometimes talking with the child instead of telling the child or talking at the child works as well. find out what she likes to do in a creative manner and use it to help her calm down. Try everything you can to help her and most of all stay calm yourself, children pick up on tension in the room quicker than anything. Set time aside just for you and her to spend together. Do arts and crafts, show her how to make cookies, etc. I hope this helps.
P. V.
Hi there,
I don't have experience with this, but I sympathize. I did just read The Continuum Concept that touches on bad experiences children may have when they're little, and how to make the present better than the past.
In particular, Alex C's note about holding close & having intimate time, just you and her, may help a lot. I would guess that she just needs to know somebody loves her, no matter what.
Best of luck to you. :)
WOW, you have your hands full. I suggest looking into Growing Kids Gods way. It teaches that every child is different and gives practical suggestions to deal with their needs. Is there anyway you can prevent the mom and grandmother (i am alittle confused here)from seeing this little girl. Since you have adopted her DCF should not enforce any connection with the biological parent. Good luck and I will lift you and your family up in prayer
I have a niece that was adopted by my sister when she was a baby. Now 17 she is a beautiful well adjusted young woman. We all found by talking about her mother helped. I know your little one is young but maybe by telling her that mommy cant hurt her anymore and that you all love her and want her to live with you, it might start to open her heart and let you in and become more receptive to your requests.
My prayers are with you, you have done a beautiful thing. dont give up.
I was very surprised to read in you a little about me that you don't refer to yourself as the proud mother of three, and start wit a beautiful little who will be 6...... Is there a posibility that she does not feel like she has a place in your heart, like the other two beautiful children you claim to be the mother of? I know that you are looking for help, and that raising a child that you did not plan for on top of the other little ones is very hard. I think that she is at an age that needs love and compassion. She may feel disconected. Try making special time for her. Let her in the kitchen to cook with you, maybe even something special like cookies for her. Try taking her shopping, w/o the other 2 children. Ask her what she wants for dinner, let her draw a grogery list and get what you need for it, and then let her cook with you. Give her positive attention so she does not look for negative attention. I hope that this is helpful.
I teach in pasco county in a unit that deals with pre k children with behavioral issues. We get them when they are thrown out of daycares or regular pre K settings. The main thing to do is stay consistant!!! dont say one thing and not follow thru. kids are so smart and pick up on this immediatley! feel free to e mail me anytime! Hoping I can help a little! A.
I am also a mom to 4 daughters, 3 teenagers ands a beautiful 7 month old!
i know with experience dealing with children from dcfs. i have 4 children at home with the same past. she is remembering without you mentioning it about her past, her mom. sometimes it is best that mom stays out of the picture. she is yours, and i would keep mom in the distance. send her pics, and keep her updated on things, but don't let them see each other until she can start listening. don't take away things, try a different reproach. tell her she can't do this until she does that. you can withhold a prize, but don't take it away. read 1,2,3, magic. very good it is even out on video. i do know how stressful situations like this can be. we had a child very agressive, trait from his father. he would rather hit than ask for somehting. be patient you are trying to undo things done to this child that can't forget. therapy will help, maybe she isn't getting enough of your attention. if she isn't listening toyou, she probably never listened to her mom either. if you are yelling, try not to. its not much of advice i just wanted you to know that i for one will think of you and your situation often.
