My oldest son is turning 10 y/o, this will be his last big birthday party. So, we are having an overnight at the local zoo, they will go on hikes and do animal handling, all of which my son and his friends can apply toward some webalo pins (thats cub scouts). There are some kids not in scouts that are invited, however, most of his friends are in his scout den. Here is my dilemma: my son has invited all the kids from his den but one. The boy just started scouts last year and my son says they are not really friends,though the kid is nice and is friends with some of my sons other friends. I told my son it is his choice being that it is his party, I tried to tell him that maybe if he invites him to the party they could become friends,my son seems uninterested and has choosen to not invite this boy.I guess I feel bad not inviting just one kid,when the rest of the den will be earning pins. On the other hand it is my sons party, not a scout event and the boys are just by chance earning pins. My son would not be upset if I invited the kid (I think)but he has choosen not to do so,my question is, do I outrank him and invite, or just let things alone????
Thanks everyone for the advice. First, I wasn't clear one one thing, the boy is not new to the school or neighborhood and appears to have lots of friends, he is just new to the scouts. However, I did sit down again and discuss with my son the invitation to this boy and what are his real reasons for not wanting him to be invited, he gave me two reasons. First, this boy is best friends with a bully who has had a tendency in the past to target both of my boys and the boy across the street, though the boy himself does not bully he does not intervene either. Second, my son has felt excluded from certain activities led by this boys family, that involved all the scouts except my son(this was his parents doing not the boys I'm sure) so as that being an example for him, he now feels it is ok to exclude certain people. In the end we discussed him being the bigger person and inviting the boy, reguardless of past intances and the boys friends, this is a learning opportunity for him and a way to model behavior for this boy. So the boy came to the party, my son was both gracious and kind all the the boys appeared to intermingle and things went well. On a side note, there appeared to be some concerns that this is my sons last big party, well, the reason for that is I have 5 kids, that equals 5 parties a year, you all know how expensive they can be, there has to be a cut off at some point and 10 was the cut off in my family when I was growing up, so it seems logical to be the cut of year for my kids. Not to say they won't do something after 10, it will just be 1 or 2 kids, pizza and a movie.
You cannot NOT invite just one child. That is so sad.
Either invite him, or only have a couple from the pack. To exclude on that level does not teach you son the right message, I think. Can you imagine being that one kid? Everyone will be talking about the party... ugh.
I was going to respond to invite him, with out a second thought about it. But I see I dont need to. I just had to say how happy I am to see 29 responses all saying to invite the boy. :)
S.
You absolutely need to invite this little boy. This is an age where kids need to learn that they should take other people's feelings into account, not just there own. Excluding one single child would be cruel.
Dear A.,
With overwhelming advice, this child must be invited to your son's birthday party. It would not only be hurtful, but obviously, these children will talk to one another afterwards and when this little boy finds out he was the only one not invited, it will break his little heart.
I do have to say one thing and this is purely my own opinion on this but if I don't say something, it would go against my responsibility of always trying to give the best advice on this forum that I can.
That being said, this is NOT up to your son. It doesn't matter if it is his party or not. You are the parent, you make the correct decisions for him right now. When parents fall back on the "well, it's his party and ultimately his decision" do they realize the door that opens up for this child? What if he wanted to something you thought was dangerous or immoral? Is it still his choice?
As parents, we are supposed to guide our children. When we see them making mistakes, we hopefully help them to understand why certain decisions are not good and then how to make better choices. Of course, I have let my childen make mistakes and then live with the consequences but in this case, you have another child involved. I am certain that this child will feel terribly left out and hurt. I would use this situation as a great teaching moment and help your child understand that he needs to invite this other child.
If he is adamant that he does not want to invite this boy, then I would let him know that no more than 50% of his troop can be invited. That way, there are several left out, not just this one child.
Just My Humble Opinion,
C.
Hi A.
my question to you is. what is the scout thing to do? I believe your son is in cub scouts because you want him to learn all of the lessons offered by being a scout, and by leaving one person out does not seem like the fair or right thing to do just my opion tho.
As a former Cub Scout Leader, I would advise that you invite all the boys in his Den. Even though this is not a scouting event, you are "by chance" offering advancement for their Webelos rank. It should be offered to all the boys in your Son's Den. My son had camping overnight birthday parties and we also did work on Scouting stuff. I would absolutely not exclude one boy. Nor would my son be allowed to. How will it look when you go back to your Pack meeting and all the boys in his den get these pins of advancement, except one. What a great time to teach your son about "Doing a good turn" and offer this special opportunity to all of his Den members. This is most likely the only time this material will be covered with your Den,(since all the kids will be there, minus one) so to exclude this one boy from the opportunity to be included would put him behind the others in the Den. I personally would feel guilty if I was the one responsible for that. That's my two cents.
Thanks, V.
You and your son should put yourself in this child's shoes. If it were your son who was the only one (from scouts or class or soccer, etc.) who wasn't invited, how would that feel? I think it might be different if more than 1 kid from the scout group weren't invited but somehow...This just feels bad to me.
That sad, if your son can give you really concrete reasons (i.e. he makes fun of the other kids instead of just "we're not really friends") for the non-invite, then it might make more sense.
You need to outrank him and invite the other child. My DS had the experience of being the only one in his class not invited to a party (he was told by the child that it was because there was not enough room for everyone). Not only was he extremely hurt by it, but he then talked about having a party and leaving out only that boy. (We would not have allowed it, but that just shows how exclusion can cause some real bitterness and resentment.) You also have the additional fact that the child being left out is new to the group. It's hard enough being new, without being the only one excluded. An invitation like this might allow that new child to really get to know some of the others and make some new friends--possibly even your DS. Good luck!
I'd invite the other boy. It's hard being that age- and if he doesn't care that much, I guarantee it will do wonders for the boy to be included (think how he feels being the newest member and only one not included, especially if he's friends with some of the other kids?) in lieu of the ONLY one left out. Your son should try to see how he'd feel... hurt feelings at that age last a long time...
did you talk to your son if the tables were turned.
How would he feel if he was the new kids in his scouts den and the only only not invited to the party. You know kids are cruel.....they will go back and talk about how much fun they had.
Maybe it's hard on this new kid.....coming in, not knowing anyone, trying to make friends. I realize it's not a scout outing, but if he's at least invited, maybe he wouldn't even come, but wow how exciting it would be to be included. If you are going to a sleep over and having like 10 kids there, kids often pair off and play with each other.
Try to talk to your son again.
You need to invite the boy. I'm a teacher, and when my students share about having a birthday party where many of the kids in the class were invited, you can definitely see the hurt in the faces of the kids who were not invited. (Although I do know that it is unrealistic to be able to invite all the girls or all the boys to a birthday party.) If this boy finds out he's the only one from the scout den that wasn't invited, he's going to feel really hurt. Talk to your son, like the other moms have suggested, and ask him how he would feel if he were the only one not invited. Hopefully you can help him build up some empathy for this boy!
I think you need to outrank him on this one and invite the other boy. Explain to him why and just do it. Your son is ten, and while you can respect his choices, you can use the opportunity to guide him in the right direction. I think I remember hearing someone say once that a party is actually not for the party-giver but the guests?
Good luck!
This is a great opportunity to teach good character! Ask him how he would feel if the the situation were reversed.....Have him ponder it for awhile and tell him that you want to talk about it, but that it is ultimately his choice in the end.
Invite him! You will regret it if you don't.
I think you have to invite him. He will find out about the party and then will feel horrible when he realizes he was the only one who didn't go. Especially since he is new. He probably doesn't have all that many friends anyway. You definately outrank your son in this case.
I think you have to express to your son your feelings on the issue as well as teach him some empathy. Ask him the good ole question . . . how would you feel if you were the only one left out or not included in the party. Since they are earning pins for this particular "event" - it is excluding the boy not invited even more. I would highly encourage your son to include the boy b/c it's the "right" thing to do even if he's not totally excited about that particular boy coming. Maybe in the end, the boy wouldn't/couldn't come.
Good luck!
J.
A. - I would try to find an experience where he felt left out and explain to him that the one boy might feel that way by not being invited. As you didn't mention you have a limit to the number of children you can invite or a maximum dollar amount that you've reached, I would highly encourage him to include this additional boy.
As a mom of a daughter who was often left out, I spent many hours crying and trying to help her understand that was ok and that it would all work out.
It's hard to be on the other side.
Invite the kid. That just seems cruel. So everyone else in his den will have the oppurtunity to get these badges and I'm guessing will be presented to them at a ceremony and this kid won't. How humiliating plus he gets the special fate of being reminded twice of this event and his exclusion. Cruel.
I would invite the child. If no badges were being worked on I could see maybe not inviting this kid... but beings they are invite him.
Like others have said it's a hard age and this kid is pretty new. He could pry use a little compassion in this department.
I say if your inviting the entire boyscout troop it would be really really mean and hurtful to invite everyone and leave 1 little boy out.
It would be different if only a few from the troop were invited but if it's the entire troop minus one boy and they earning pins you are obligated to invite the other little boy I'd think. What's the big deal for 1 more.
Invite him. I can still remember how awful I felt when I was the only girl in my class not invited to a party. As a parent, I know I would feel horrible for my child and maybe even a little angry (or even hostile) towards the parent who let my child be left out. (The whole mother bear syndrome.)
I think it's cruel to invite everyone but one boy in his scout group. How would you feel as the mother if this happened to your son?
I wanted to add another vote for inviting the new kid. The Golden Rule is a great one.
Yes you need to invite the "new" cub scout!! Imagine how your son would feel if he was the only one left out. This will be a great opportunity for you son to get to know this child better. You can not just leave ONE boy out of the whole cub scout troop. This will cause a lot of hurt feelings.
It's not even a question....invite to poor boy. I think that you would feel pretty bad if your son was the one left out. Teach your son that it's the right thing to do!
I think this is a teachable moment for your son, because he really is being unfair to invite the whole den and (even though he's not trying to) alienate the one boy by having him be the only one not invited. If your son is ambivalent about it anyway, just make the decision for him. If I were the parent of the one uninvited boy in the den, I would be really disappointed if my child were the only one not invited out of the whole group. Just keep everyone included so nobody's feelings get hurt. Why not wait until he's older (next year) and not having such big birthday parties, so you can let him hand-pick the kiddos that attend his party?
I would invite the boy. Especially if your son doesn't really care either way. It would be different if there were a few he didn't invite. The boy would be crushed. Think about if it was your son not being invited. It's a good lesson in thinking of other people's feelings for him.
How devastated and hurt would your child be if someone else in the scouts had a birthday party and invited everyone but him? You should tell him that to put himself in that little boy's place and ask how he would feel if left out. Also I WOULD invite the other kid. You can't invite all but one.
I don't say go behind your son's back to invite, but I do think it would be rude not to invite. You should explain to your son how that boy will probably feel about the situation and ask if he would mind inviting the boy. You said he probably would not mind, in which case, if there is no problem with inviting him then you should do so.
WOW sounds like everyone feels the same- I guess if you wanted everyones advice you sure got it. My husband says just invite him- as do I!
I know you have a lot of responses, but I want to add my voice as well. You really need to invite this boy. You don't know what kind of long-term damage something like this could do to a child. Even if my child was adamant about NOT wanting to invite one child, I would insist on inviting him/her. You cannot invite all but one in a group. Use this opportunity to teach your son about the feelings of others.
Use it as a learning opportunity for sure; but you HAVE to invite this kid. It will later cause division among the kids and it will last much longer than you think. The little boy already feels as an outsider because he is the newest member. If you isolate him, he will feel even worse and I tell you the boy nor the parents will EVER forget and it will come back to boomarang on you. If you were leaving out 3 kids, that would be different, but 1....... Not acceptable.... Especially a big event like that. It would be a big deal if it were just a house party, but an AMAZING party that you are planning; please do not do it. When talking to your son, go back to those Boy Scout values. It also does not sound as if your son dislikes the boy, just not bonded to him. So it is not a big deal if he comes. If the little boy feels the same way, he will not come anyway.
Outrank him and invite the boy. What a horrible feeling when he finds out he was the only one not invited and he WILL find out since the rest of the den is invited!
I think it would be horribly cruel not to invite the only child from the troop not invited. Put yourself in the place of this child. If all the women in the neighborhood were having a get together and you knew about it and they excluded you how would you feel? If it were me I would tell my child that everyone from the troop is invited or no one from the troop is invited. I would also think about doing cub scout stuff with a group of kids not in cub scouts, as a child I was invited to a cousin's b-day party and they did scouting stuff but I was excluded and had to sit and watch them have fun because I wasn't in the same scout troop.
You seem to think it is okay to be exclusionary in your lifestyle. That it is okay to exclude people who don't fit a certain mold or pattern of behavior. It is never okay to snub people.
I think it is totally wrong to not invite the one boy who would otherwise be left out. How would you feel if your son was the only one from the den not invited to someones bday sleepover?!?!
Ask your son how he would feel if he was the only one in the den who wasn't invited to a fun sleep over that earns a pin. Explain that he probably will find out since when this boy has a party, he will probably be left out over this and a friendship will be lost. Also find out if this boy causes trouble with him since it is unusal for a child not to invite someone for no reason. Maybe he takes all the attention from your son's best friend or so. I would make sure that you do invite the boy though unless your son is feeling bullied by the boy.
I am certainly puzzled by your statement "this will be is last big birthday". But that wasn't your question.. since you have only invited all but one from the scout troup I would certainly invite the young man to attend. Just like if you attend all the students in his class but one, it will get around to the one that was left out. Be the bigger person and invite him.
I think you need to pull rank and tell your son that you will be inviting the new kid. How would you feel if your son were the only one not invited to a party? I know I would feel really bad. Good luck with the party!
-L.
I think you should just talk to your son about it. It is a good learning opportunity for him also on not excluding someone. It is not fun to be excluded and if the boy is new and mabye a little shy he will probably feel very bad to be left out since everyone else got invited. It is his party but he is only 10 and its good to teach him to include everyone. Good luck and i hope your son invites him. Even if the kid decides not to go he will be happy he got invited.
Yep, invite him! To not invite just the one is simply being a jerk.
