Need Advice on Oldest Child

There is a fabulous series of books that would be very beneficial to you. The one of the series you may need most for now is called "On becoming teenage wise". The series has tips on Baby Wise, Toddler Wise, Preschool Wise, Child Wise, Teenage Wise. They are incredible tools for parenting and getting through the challenges we as parents face. In a perfect world, starting off on the right foot with what they suggest in Baby Wise on up builds such a foundation that such things just don't happen. It's never too late, but it will take work. Take a deep breath and go for it. Good luck!!!

B. :)

When I was 15 my mom married after being single with two kids, At 17 I moved out,quit school,and got pregnant in between the drugs and drinks. I would say not going to bed on time is pretty minor, he is 18 and finding his way as long as he is not hurting anyone physically I would say he needs to learn his own consequences and make his own decisions. However, if he does not obey curfews for coming home, and you do pay for his car maybe he needs a reality check and it should be repossessed! LOVE HIM WITH ALL YOU HAVE!! kudos to you, I thought 3 was hard!!

Have you thought about having a Family Meeting?

FAMILY MEETING PROVIDES:

*regularly scheduled times when the entire family gets together

*a time when parents offer children an opportunity to be involved in the family, teach them skills they need to be successful and recognize them for their contributions

*a time to discuss issues that are important to the family

*a basis for family bonding

It is suggested to hold family meetings each week.
You should have some sort of topics and agendas for each family meeting.

Ground rules are important part of family meetings. They provide respectful communciation and information sharing.

At first, a family meeting may not sound like a great idea to your child. But there are wasy you can encourage him or her to attend w/o forcing the issue. Here are some ideas:

*Give an incentive (such as a game or puzzle afterward).
*Negotiate (If you try this, I'll try that.)
*Provide your child a role (for exampel, taking notes or handling refreshments).
*Ask your child to do it as a favor to you.
*Say that you need your child there (explain that his or her contribution is vital to the family).
*Explain the benefits of family meetings (better family support, better protection against drugs, more family fun, etc).

Refreshments and fun family games or activities are a good way to end each family meeting.

FAMILY MEETING AGENDA: GETTING STARTED...

For the first meeting--Use this meeting ot plan a family fun activity. Focusing on fun and then carrying out your plan will create a positive foundation for future meetings.

1. Explain the meeting's purpose--to plan family fun and to practice having a family meeting.

2. Provide ground rules.

3. Discuss family fun.

4. Give time for others to think of fun activities.

5. Discuss.

6. Choose an activity.

7. Make a plan.

8. Review the meeting, and set a time for the next meeting.

GROUND RULES FOR FAMILY MEETING:

1. Give everyone a chance to talk.
2. Don't interrupt others.
3. It's OK to say how you feel.
4. You don't have to talk.
5. You have to listen.
6. Don't put anyone else down.
7. Don't repeat outside the meeting what others have shared.

OTHER NOTES:

Everyone living in the household should attend so their voices can be heard (this includes grandparents living in the household).

Hope this has given you some ideas. For the first meeting, they recommend that you plan/discuss something fun (like a family outing and then follow through). Future meetings can address acknowledging a family member for following the rules or deciding consequences, educating your child about drugs and alcohol, etc).

Remember to set up consequences for bad behavior and reward the good. Don't enable your child, but instead support your child. Let your child make some mistakes. And above all, make sure they respect you and have a consequence for disrespect. As an adult child (if they are living in the home) they must follow the house rules.

An example of this is if your adult child may not have a curfew, but are expected to call if they aren't coming home that night.

And when they do come in, they are expected not to disturb the rest of the family (for instance they come in at 3AM).

Also, if they have school or work, they will be expected to do that no matter what time they come in the night before.

So for example, they stay out until 3AM: If they want to live with you, they are expected to be act like an adult.

Everyone follows rules (even adults), so why should your son or daughter be so different?

Make sure you communicate that you (as an adult) have rules and if they are going to live with you they will abide by the house rules or find their own place to live.

We actually made my 18 y/o pay for rent if she was going to stay and we put it in writing along with the consequences for not paying rent. We would be somewhat flexible and work with her as long as she was trying and communicated her problems. It was not our intent to kick her out and to make sure she had a place to go.

In the end, she opted to move out and in with her boyfriend and his family (She has her own room). She did pay us one month's rent when she moved out to help us out and as part of the agreement). She went w/o employment for a couple of months (from May-Sept) and is now working.

She does have chores where she is staying (such as cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry, etc.), so it's not like she got out of that by moving.

She has opted at this time not to attend college (and that's her choice). I respect that.

One other thing...Don't say it unless you are prepared to back up whatever you say with the consequence set up, or you will seem like your word means nothing and leads to disrespect in the end.

Good luck!

Anngie

You are probably going to think this is the worst advice ever, but I was one of those rebellious kids like that...and since I'm 22 it wasn't that long ago. My advice is to stop worrying so much...it's straining your relationship even more, and that in itself could be causing some of his not wanting to be home. Also, he's going to have to make his own misktakes. I know that you want to badly to help him through everything, sometimes kids just have to screw up a bit before they get their life straightened out. Have an open relationship with your son, and encourage your husband to do the same. If he can talk to you (REALLY talk to you, about ANYTHING without your judgement), maybe you'll find an underlying problem. Also remember that he is 18....for most intents and purposes he is an adult. Treat him like he is...he's not going to have a curfew in college, don't put one on him now, it will just make a bigger problem when he gets to college. However, don't take that to mean that you shouldnt have rules in your house that he should respect, however instead of telling him the rules as a demand, try to explain them to him as he breaks them like he was another adult who had moved in. As far as the other kids go, they will each have their own way of dealing with life...try not to worry too much until they get there, because there is no way to predict how they are going to turn out.

Like I said, I was his age not long ago. I was the same way, and this is similar to how my parents handled things, and I got my life together...I'm happily married for a year and a half, have a beautiful 3 month old boy and I'm getting excellent grades in college to make up for my freshman year when I was still going through that "stage" your son is in. Best of luck to you, and I hope that if my advice doesn't work, that you find some that does. God Bless!!

P.S. taking things such as cars and whatnot away just causes even more trouble...I know those moms mean well, but it really doesn't work, kids will find a way around that kind of thing...trust me, if you do it you may not like the end results.

M.,
I have raised 4 kids (they are now 27,26,26,21)and have had to deal with this kind of rebellion. Currently 3 out of the 4 kids have gradutated from college with the fourth is finishing up at K-State. We also had many struggles but survived them and so will you.
The following is my recommendation...for what it's worth.

1. He's the oldest of many children and blended family. He deserves a little consideration due to his history growing up.
He needs a little one on one time with mom so he feels like he IS a part of the family and important to you. We all seem to have great expectations from our firstborn and sometimes expect behavior appropriate beyond their maturity level, nonetheless, they are still our children and require our love and committment.

2. Your husband (his step-dad) should be involved and offer emotional support, but should NOT participate in any discipline measures. It's not his place and will just cause more rebellious behavior.

3. Maybe your son needs a little space. Does he have a room of his own where his private things are not disturbed by anyone? He maybe 18 yrs old according to the law, an adult as far as they're concerned,, but he is still your son and still a child requiring your attention and devotion. Maybe the only way he can get your attention is to create a reaction within you. Don't take me wrong, I know having many children and a blended family is complicated and time consuming, but when kids start to rebel and act out, there is an imbalance somewhere and this needs to be addressed.

4. If he is a senior, he knows what needs to be done and requirements met in order to graduate. If criteria isn't met, he won't graduate and he can't blame anyone but himself. I know that is hard for a mom to contemplate, but kids have to learn their behavior impacts others as well as themselves.........they need to learn responsiblity.
Kids learn and receive better when they feel loved, supported, and grounded. This is where you come in.....the rest is up to him.
Good Luck,

D. B.

I don't have teenage kids so I can't really say I am speaking from that side of the fence. But I have been a teenager and lazy before, and I have been around a whole lot of lazy asses. You really need to decide, if he has been doing this for a year, why is it bothering you so much now and why are you enabling him to continue this way???
Is he depressed, is he on drugs? Is he resentful at the family situation? That is allot of kids in one house and the last three are four years apart...Are you exhausted? I would be! How much time have you spent talking to your son in the last six months? I said talking not nagging that's different! You are the only available adult in his life...and he is 18 so respect must be earned now you don't get it by trying to be a tyrant or a friend...you have to treat him like an adult...
Did you buy him a car? Or does he pay for his own transportation. You didn't mention a job...have you been giving him money?
Enable and feel sorry for him and you will continue to see the same behavior...I know its hard because he is still your baby but you have got to make him earn his right to stay in your house. You have allot of people to take care of!
Sometimes it really helps a person to see what their life may be like in someone else's shoes...maybe you should make him visit a few juvenile detention centers, or the mission downtown...Its pretty awesome to be 18 and still living at home with support. Not everyone gets that but he takes it for granted...
You may have unreasonable rules to him, but the two of you should be able to discuss the problems and come up with some compromises that will work for the family...but from what I hear teenagers can get pretty nasty and hateful...and demanding and ungrateful so yeah it is a stage. They see their world, and we as a society do not live in a manner that reminds us to be grateful and happy about life. In order to appreciate you he has to understand what it is like to not have your help. My best friend is going through this with her daughter right now. Usually a few years after they move away that starts to kick in and the relationship improves. You might even get a Thank You.

OMG my 18 year old did the same thing. I just let him no I would not deal with him treating me disrespectful and not following my rules. If he has a car take it away. If he has a cell phone take it away. Explain to him that you would not let your husband treat you this way why would you him. He is probably also seeking out a little attention. With all the children in the house he prob. just feels like your home is a place for him to lay his head till he graduates right now. My son finally got that I was not going to let him disobey my rules or he could leave. He is now in college and actually chose to stay living with us. He is doing awesome now. You have to set the rules and stick by them as hard as that will be for you. Your husband, if at all possible needs to try helping out some though.

Why is your husband not stepping up and being a role model for your son? I understand that he is his stepfather, but it sounds like he is the only father figure your son has. I wouldn't set back and let your husband use the excuse that he isn't his bio father to get out of doing his job as a parent. When he married you he took that responsibilty too. I would ask for his help and together, put the hammer down on your son. 18/adult or not he still lives under your roof and has to follow your rules. There should be consiquences if he doesn't. You have to follow up your warnings with actions.
Good luck and God Bless

Ok, I have no kids even close to your son's age. But I'm the oldest of my mother's 4 kids, with the youngest only being seventeen. Having gone through what seems to be an almost similar stage when I was about that age, yeah it seems to be a stage. At about seventeen I started doing a lot of the same things. I was never home on time for curfew, I was never really home all that much at all. Although my situation was a bit different, it didn't have anything to do with respect, or disrespect. It had more to do with my thinking that I knew everything, and I knew what was best for me. Unfortunatly, I didn't. My mother stood back and let me do it to myself. She still got upset with me and yelled at me, till one day it stopped. I thought she had finally realized that I knew how to take care of myself. What had happened was that I had shut her out of my life, including the rest of my family. I noticed that my family didn't even really care to be around me with my attitude and behaviour. I thonk that was my wake up call. When my family didn't want me to come to family functions because of the way I acted. I had to figure out that I didn't know everything, and i hadn't known what was best for me. It took a little while and a lot of apolgizing, but my family and i are close again.
Now I'm not saying that this is always the best coarse of action, but sometimes your kids need to figure it out for themselves. Don't let his behaviour go without consequences though, that will help your younger kids know that it is unacceptable.
Hope you get through it soon.

You need to put your foot down and put the scare in him. He needs to be scared of you. I started putting the scare and fear in my kids at an early age and their father wasn't even in the picture. When he's out pass curfew let the law handle it and don't come running to his side and bail him out. Let him know and the rest of the kids that you mean what you mean.

He is 18 and legally responsible for his own actions and life. If he cannot abide by your few simple rules, mayhaps it is time for him to move out. The issue here is respect for you.

I would start taking away privileges like his car, his free time, spending money, etc.. until he starts following your rules and doing better in school. You can make up a contract of sorts and have him sign it. If he fails to follow a rule a privilege is taken away. I agree that having the stepfather step in is not a good option. I think that would cause a lot of friction. You should let him know what could happen if he does not start doing better... he could fail high school, be stuck working a crappy job, be stuck living at home, etc... Good luck!

I would try a different strategy. I would find something that he does well and commend him for it. For instance, does he read to his younger siblings or does he take out the garbage, etc. Tell him how much you appreciate his contribution to the family. Continue this positive feedback and try not to give him constant negative feedback even if you want to . I Also think that what we consider as lazy is not always as bad as we think it is. For instance: does he go to school all day for 8 hours? Does he then come home to watch tv for a little (and then he is considered lazy?) I'm not defending him, if he really is a slouch, but sometimes kids, especially boys, need SPECIFIC guidance as to what to do to help. So, tell him he needs to mow the lawn this week, and don't mention it until more than a week goes by. Let him structure his life as long as he is contributing. As far as school goes, I would pull out all stops and ask the school for their support. I would talk to each one of his teachers and the counselor and the prinicpal and say "could you please help me in holding my child accountable, as I know he has great potential and that he could make something of his life if he has positive role models." That being said: the counselor may also be willing to work with him. Having just reread your request I must admit that It is shocking to me that this young man is living in an environment where his one male role model (your husband) does not even speak to him. Quite frankly, any young man would act out under those circumstances. Why are you, as a mother, who should love your son unconditionally, allowing your husband to treat your son this way? That alone seems to me to be a huge part of the problem. And I'm sure that the reason why he wants to spend time with his friends is that at least they speak with him. They like him unconditionally. They don't judge him every minute. Sounds like you have your hands full. Best of luck.

I have advice for you although you may not like it.

What I can tell you, is I have been in your son's shoes before. Your son is rebelling. Why you ask? Is it possible that you are over protective? Or that you may be to strict on him? Or that you don't let him be a teenager of 18 because you are affraid he will turn out like his biological father?

He is 18 ma'am. And not to be mean or anything, but he is an adult now. If he screws up now, it is his fault. Not yours. You cannot really punish someone how is old enough to make his own choices. He will now have to pay his own consequenses. Tell him, "You need to get a job.......if you want to be this way, you can go to school and work too" tell him"If you insist on screwing up.I am not supporting you the rest of your life. So you are gonna start working now"

He is the oldest, that means he knows what happened between you and his biological father. He could be scarred from that. Has he or does he even ask about his "real" dad?

What has your current husband done to try to have a relationship with him too?

All these are factors.

You have to remember, he is an adult now. I understand that he lives in your home and there are house rules. But are you applying the rules to him that are for the same children? If so is that really fair to an 18 yr old? Remember when you were 18? Unless you grew up 100% religious or something, then you would remember that all 18 yr olds, need and want space. Instead of punishing him for his grades, offer to help. Ask him if there is anythingyou can do to help him, instead of making him do it alone.

I could probably help you more if I knew more. It sounds like a bigger situation then just what you told us.

I wouldnt worry too much about him not sleeping since he is 18 now. He needs to finish school and then have him concentrate on moving out because you will not allow behavior like that to disturb the smaller children.You have pretty much done what you can do for him, now he needs to use what he has learned. I guess the main thing is to let him know you will be there for him if he needs advise and with time, things will settle down.

WOW do you have your hands full! He's a guitar player that explains it all!! lol I think it sounds more like normal teenage stuff. He sounds a lot like my daughter mature/responsible but still a stupid teenager. Remember you're the mom, when it comes time to be done on the internet unplug it. You want more time, earn it, get your grades up... I agree with quite a bit of the advice that's already been given. Stand your ground, but in the end he is an adult now, and the one that has to be held accountable for his actions.

Good luck!

It hasn't been very long since I was acting the same way he is. My mom was a single parent having to work overnight shifts at the hospital, which made me feel like I could get away with anything. Regardless of how tough I tried to act, in the end I still did fear my mom and her disapproval. Keep a firm foot planted when it comes to the rules. He will hate it, he will try to rebel, but when you give no leeway, he will learn to do what he's told, at least enough so to satisfy you. If he has friends you think are getting him to do things he shouldn't, make sure that he can't be around them except at school. If that means sheltering him at home a lot, so be it. It took me about a year and a half of acting like an immature idiot before I realized that my mom knew what she was doing and talking about. Granted, I also had a child during my senior year, which helped me grow up really quickly. Hopefully, that will not be your son's case, because it is incredibly hard, but it probably is going to take something major for him to get it together. My daughter is what it took for me. You are his mother, you will be able to figure out what it will take for him. Good luck and I really hope he's giving you less hell than I gave my mom!