Dear C.,
Oh boy...how helplesss you and your daughter both must feel. I know because as a young girl I tried it all. My parents were totally absent in my life wrapped up in their own fingers and toes, I was an only child with no direction and yet very high expectations on me from wealthy grandparnets who eventually disowned me because I did not go to Harvard Law School.
I was not as boy crazy, but got into drugs and drinking, partying and cutting school regularly. My firends were worse. My parents apatehtic if not uninterested. Eventually, at 15 I was in a serious car accident and broke both of my legs, among other injuries almost costing me my life. That did not stop me. Nor did it get my parents attention.
I ended up pregnant and had two abortions before I was 21. That did not stop me. Nor did it get my parents attention. That I am alive today is nothing short of a miracle. Boy did I learn a lot. This is all so hard to say but if it helps another young girl through a difficult time it is worth it. I wish somebody would have stopped me, however difficult that would have been, but alas I had no net to catch me...no one to fight for me...the bottom was unbearable.
I have two wonderful children now that I absolutely adore and that makes me even more vehement about my choices then and now. My regrets are absolutely overwhelming sometimes, but I feel hopeful that I can turn lemons into lemonade and be involved with my kids in such a way as to use my bad experiences to raise children who make better choices than I did. And who know that no matter what I love them with all my might and will slay lions tigers and bears for them at the drop of a hat. I learned that that is what I secretely wished for as a child gone astray.
Given that, and knowing what I know based on my own experiences, I would stop at absolutely nothing to protect my children, if even from themselves. Nothing is more worth fighting for than your children, as you know, but you must understand that sometimes the fight is in of itself enormous. I think the message of strength and a willingness to fight for her at all costs will give her hope and strength. Dont stop fighting for her...she cant fight for herself, she cant win right now so tell her you will fight for her and that you love her no matter what and then fight together. Be her advocate, her rock, her "go to" for the love, strenght and support she needs. She is lost and needs a lighthouse in this storm.
I can tell you if you are passive, or you hesitate that it can get worse, and it likely will. In my experence, I wish someone would have intervened therefore I feel you must do so in any and every way you can, immediately.
Her self esteem is badly shaken if not completely detached and no doubt is at the root of her not being able to say no or choose another path. She is absorbed if not addicted to the chaos and drama. His apparent strength is intoxicating, more and more so as she becomes awash without control. The more weight she gains, the more isolated she becomes, the worse she will feel and her actions will reflesct her hopelessness. It is a vicious cycle going down the tube. She is likely depressed, living in a cloud of despair making her thinking more askew.
I suggest thus you immediately get her into therapy with a psychiatrist, several times a week until you get thru the immediate crises of detaching her from this predator.
Also, find a mentor that she respects and admires, can relate to, or an activity that she likes and focus her on that. I was saved by my love of animals, in saving them I found and saved myself. Some people find God helpful, but as a "cool" teenager, that was not an option for me. Perhaps it would have helped my mother but I would not listen to any of that. You must find what works for HER.
I think it imperative that you get her to a therapist, and if necessary put her on an antidepressant. Divert her attention someway into something, anything that she enjoys other than that boy.
Finally in my mid twenties I checked myself into therapy. It took me many tries to find a doctor I could communicate with but it lead me on a tremendous path of discovery that literally changed my life. The work was hard and often heartbreaking. I tried many medications. In the end, I became an advocate of having that doctor to help me balance my thinking until I learned healthy ways to view the world, myself and my options. Slowly but surely I learned to make better choices, feel empowered and make a success of my life. I only wish it had happened so much earlier in my life.
Your daughter needs a lot right now, and I think a professional is at least appropriate. The options otherwise, suicide, homicide, pregnancy etc just cannot be a possibility for your little girl.
Lastly, if she likes animals we have many rescues, of every sort, each with their own story that we will be happy to share if you want to bring her out for a day. Sometimes an experience like that can bring a smile and a bit of hope. It gives one objectivity and a distraction. My children would be proud to share their animals with her, and the love and compassion that comes with caring for something meek and mild, or as noble as the horse. In the meantime, have faith, find your courage and feel free to contact me if you think I can help in any way. D.
