Need Advice on Telling Older Child About Miscarriage

First off, I am soooo sorry for your loss.

I miscarried myself and know firsthand the wide range of emotions that come. my heart goes out to you. Please reach out to groups like Kindermourn if you want to get some support. Some may act like it's not a big deal since it was first trimester or because you have two already, but you need to grieve and mourn like you need to. Big cyber hugs going out to you from me.

On the question, I would avoid the whole death discussion unless this has already been a topic discussed with your 5 yr old for another death. You could simply say that mommy and daddy thought we were going to have a baby but a)God had other plans for us at this time, b)we were mistaken, but maybe someday we will have one, and/or c)this baby wasn't ready to come here and join us yet, so we have to wait a little longer.

The thought of a baby dying is simply too intense for some children at that age. They may start worrying about other women that are pregnant, they may be stressed if you get pregnant again, and they may think that God takes babies away from people. Just be very careful and know that the words are only part of what they hear--the imagery is what stays in their mind's eye....and, is what they will repeat to others.

So, do you want the 5 yr old sayingt to people, 'My mommy's baby died', or 'my mommy thought she was having a baby, but God had another plan, so we have to wait a little longer'.

Just some things to think about. Again, my heart and hugs go out to you at this sad time. I hope you have all your dreams for motherhood come true.

Hi E..
First let me say how incredibly sorry I am for your deep loss. I know this is a very difficult time for you and your family. Please be sure to give yourself and your family time to grieve for this precious wee one who is now in the arms of Lord, Jesus Christ. This was a baby and you need to be allowed to deal with your loss and grieve.
My friend just lost her baby and they too had to explain this to their 5 yo.
The only way I know she did it is by telling her that her baby brother or sister is with Jesus in Heaven now. The baby in mommy's belly was very sick and couldn't live here with us but lives in Heaven. One day we will be with him/her.
My youngest was a twin and I had to have this little talk with her as well. I lost her twin at 11 weeks.
I do wish you and your family many blessings.
W. from Indiana

I also had two miscarriages. One when my son was 5 and the other when he was 7. We talked to him about death and that sometimes, when a baby is sick inside mommy's tummy, that he/she can't be born so God takes the baby home to heaven so he can make the baby better. My son seemed to understand and wasn't traumatized (I don't think). For the second one, we didn't even tell him we were pregnant and so he never knew. He's 13 now and we've have never been able to conceive since. He still talks about wishing he had a brother or sister. I'm not even sure if he remembers the miscarriage. Good luck and God Bless. It's a hard time to go through but you'll get through it.

Dear sweet lady, thinking first of the hearts of your family. God bless you and shield you, comfort and strengthen you for the road you are travelling.
How to present such an event to young children - as positive and life affirming as humanly possible. If you aren't ready to process this now, wait to tell them until you are ready. Think and plan out what to say, perhaps writing down answers to questions that your son may have.
Life is so much more fragile that our day to day living of it leads us to believe. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard this can be for you. I too was in that same situation. I had two children already an almost 5 yr. old and an 8 month old and was only 11 wks. along when I miscarried. Needless to say this one was not planned. Because of that, I thought it wouldn't bother me, but it bother me alot more than I thought it would and for quite awhile too. I'm all about the truth, so we just told my daughter that something was wrong with the baby and it died in mommies tummy. She understood. She was a little sad about it for awhile then was fine. On a happier note my 3rd child just had his first birthday. That being said there IS life after a miscarriage. God bless you. My children are now 8yr,4yr, and 1yr. First two girls the last one a boy.

First let me say I am so sorry for your loss.
There is that fine line you have to walk in order to share the truth and be real with your feelings, and yet not give more info than the little one really needs or wants. If you make it out to be no big deal than he may think you did not care, and if you reveal the true depths of your pain he may get a little freaked. You know your child and you will find that line.
If your child plays any kind of computer or video games he will be familiar with the term "put it on pause". You may be able to tell him that God has put having a sibling "on pause" for now and that you will "restart" in the future. It may sound silly to an adult, but I have found that it helps a child grasp an abstract concept. What I find is especially helpful is the fact that they see the games as being unbiased and so a pause or a restart have no emotion behind them and therefore no fault or blame is assigned. If he does not play these games you may be able to invent a game and introduce the concepts before you have this discussion with him. Blessings,
N

We had a miscarriage at 14 weeks and I had a 1.5 year old and 3.5 year old. We waited until we were emotionally ready. We had a funeral for our baby and we did not say anything to them until the day of the funeral. It has now been 3.5 years and my oldest still remembers that her little brother is up in heaven. She really respects it and does remember him by name.

H.

I worked as a Labor and Delivery nurse for 9 years. You definitely need to tell him. He probably already knows in some ways. Call the hospital. They should have a Beareavement counselor that will have some books for him and a lot of suggestions for your whole family to cope with your loss. I would have a funeral for him so he can say good bye. I am very sorry for your loss.

He is still quite young himself, so no mention could do it. But, you could always tell him God said it was too soon for another baby. He said to wait a bit, then you will have the perfect child, and brother/sister for him.

The same thing happened at our house. I told my then 6 year old the baby died before he/she could come out of my tummy. (I am not sure about your faith,but I also shared that the baby would be in heaven and we could see him later.)

It is so hard to go through telling this to your child. He may ask questions much later on so be ready. My son still asks about how big our family would be if the baby had not died. (2 years have passed)

Just tell him that a little baby had started to grow 'from an egg' and/or 'seed' and that something was wrong and it/he/she couldn't live (like plants, animals, etc, sometimes do). Truth is always best as long as you don't elaborate with more details than the child can handle. Depending on his maturity and prior education, you might even show him progressive drawings of a developing fetus at different stages and this should be less traumatic for him than imagining a 'full grown' baby 'dying'. I disagree that we should shelter our children from death, as it is definitely a part of every life. I think we should be incensed about abortion and 'mercy killing' but not deceitful about natural death.

I am so sorry for your loss. I heard a beautiful explanation once that may comfort you and your son.

As a baby grows it has to climb a set of steps. One step baby gets sight, another step baby gets hearing, another step a heart, etc. Some babies get too excited to meet their parents and try to skip some steps. These babies are given an option. They can go back and try again or go to their parents with some problems that could take away from all the joy they could have with their family. Your baby decided to try again so he/she could come to you complete and healthy adn play with his brothers. God Bless and good luck.

I'm so sorry for your trial. When my son was 8, we were so excited that my brother and sister-in-law were going to have a baby and then had to explain a miscarriage a few days later. I told my son that the baby was very sick in the mommy's tummy and God didn't want anybody to hurt that much so He took it to heaven where there isn't any hurting. We were all sad for a little while, but know that there is a reason for why things happen. When they found out they were expecting again, we all prayed very hard for a healthy pregnancy and baby. A second miscarriage called for testing which revealed a blood clotting disorder in the mom and they are now expecting a very healthy boy in about a week after a lot of prayer and treatments. My son has been aware of all this and how things work together and how God never let an innocent little baby hurt that doesn't know how to tell you it's hurting. At least us grown-up people can say what hurts (can and do are two different things, though, right?). God be with you and your family.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I too have had miscarriages. I have a pretty perceptive 6 year old, so my approach would be this: Our bodies are very complicated. They are so special and amazing. Sometimes the pieces don't go together right. And just like a toy if it's not put together right it won't work.

God bless

Due to the fact that I have not been through this, the only advice that I can give is to first make a call to either your ob or the pediatrician because they will have connections to getting you a more professional answer. With a 5 year old it probably won't be as difficult as you think, meaning you will probably be able to come up with something that isn't as tragic as the circumstance. 5 is really young and they don't "need" a lot of information because their minds can't comprehend it anyway. (not the depth like you) But I am sure that the doctors can help you or direct you to someone who can, child therapist, etc. I am sure that it will help you and your child, because especially for you, this is no laughing matter.... and most sincerely you have my condolences.
My husband and I have 8 children together, the 8th was "our" first and he was born in Feb this year. I didn't tell the other children until I was "at least" 3 months pregnant with a viable heartbeat and out of the danger zone.... (now that doesn't go for everyone I know)... so, the only advice that "I" can actually give you in this is to not tell the children about your pregnancy until you know that everything is ok. My children were upset with me that I didn't tell them sooner than 3 months but I told them that I didn't want to have to answer for a miscarriage because frankly I didn't know how and I knew that it would break their hearts.My children are ages 14, 11, 9 and my youngest stepson is 12....so they can actually understand... but I did not want them to have to burden that loss until I was ready to share it, had it happened. But thank God it didn't.... and had I miscarried, I wouldn't have told the children until they were older or until I was ready, they just didn't need to deal with that.
My prayers are with you and your family, may the Lord bless you if you should consider trying again.... keep your chin up!!

C.

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to offer you my condolences and tell you that I will be praying that you find a way to tell your son about it.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Should you decide grief counseling is something you'd like to check into for you and your family, you can try this link of agencies in your area: http://improvememphis.org/documents/Counseling.pdf

Best wishes, and please take special care of yourself, too.

I think that it is best to just tell him like it is. Explain to him and answer his questions as truthfully and honestly as you can. I think that is always the best. They may not understand totally but they will get the picture. Just be very loving and they will love you for it.
I am sorry for your loss. I experienced that before I had my daughter. It gets better in time.
Good luck and God bless

The easiest way to break news like that to a child of that age is to involve God in the discussion. If your children unserstand God and what he did for us and that he created everything and everyone then you can always put it the way my best friend did when she lost one of her twins to her oldest daughter who at that time was 3 going on 4. God only lends us our siblings and if God knows they are well then God brings them back to Heaven to live with Him so he can take care of them, I hope this helps.

I had a miscarriage and D&C at around 7 1/2 wks. in June 2007. My daughter was 3 1/2 at the time. I felt so awful for crying around her during the time I knew I was going to lose the baby and waiting for the procedure. Didn't know what to do but finally just told her the truth. She had been so excited too, but seemed to understand what her dad and I told her, that her baby just wasn't growing right and went to be in heaven. I didn't want to break her heart - my heartbreak was bad enough - but she surprisingly found a way to make me feel better, telling me it was OK and that God was taking care of our baby. I am now pregnant again (28 wks today) with a boy and of course she is ecstatic again and every now and then will bring up the other baby, saying she misses our baby in heaven, but doesn't say it in a sad way. She's looking forward to hopefully being a big sister finally. She turned 4 in Jan. I am so sorry for your loss. Seems like you can't understand that kind of loss until it actually happens to you. Good luck!

Tell him the truth in simple terms. The baby wasn't growing OK so it went to heaven (or whatever applies to you and your family). Be honest but basic.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take good care of yourself. As for your 5 yr old son, 2 thoughts: 1) Tell him that the baby got sick inside you and died and went on to heaven or 2) Say that God decided that you didn't need another baby right now after all. I realize that both of these explanations depend on you having a religious faith, and that if you don't share this faith, then this advice won't help at all. I don't know how else to try to explain something so unexplainable.

I would just sit down with him and explain that there was something wrong with the baby (which is usually the case) and that it died while it was inside you. Explain that you are not having a baby right now but maybe you will have one later on. Good luck.