Need Advice Please

S.,
Sweetie you need to realize two things. 1) Your a good mom. None of us would be on this board asking for help if we weren't. 2) The life of a man and a child and the perfect nuclear family, it's not in the cards for everyone and you can't make it happen.

I only have one child, but having a lot of friends with two, everyone feels the way you feel, no matter how many men are involved. It's hard to have two children, especially two young children. Then again, being a mom is tough. It's hard to love someone like you love your child and it takes a hell of a lot out of you. The fact is that as a mom, you do what you have to do and at the end of the day a big hug and kiss makes it all alright. It's alright to be worried and scared, but your going to do just fine. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't handle what is coming, espcially a man. Men don't know the amount of physical, mental and emotional strain that a mother can endure for her children. Your little girl does sound like a handful, but they all are. They are also all unpredictable. For all you know she may adore having a little brother, it may be what she needs in the end. It might be that this will give her the sense of family and belonging that she needs after seeing her parents spilt. I can't promise this will be the case, but why not give her the benefit of the doubt? You may find that she adores being a big sister and adores her little brother. Then again maybe not, sibling rivalry happens to all children. The thing is though, that you can do it. Don't let anyone tell you you can't. Giving up your daughter more, is just going to hurt you both. Don't do it. Follow your heart NOT your fears. Remember how scared you probably were as you raised your daughter, or when you first became a single mom. You got through all that and you will get through this. You can do it.

Hey S.,

Ok this is coming from a person who has one child. I was young when I had my son I was just barely 20. I am 28 now. He (as in my son) is the best thing that has ever happend to me. I go through fights with his father all the time so there is nothing that I cant handle or deal with. As for your situation, I feel for you girl. I know its hard taking care of 1 child and then have anoher on the way, but keep your head high. Look for the positive more then the negitive. When you think that things will be just fine for you and you new baby and this boyfriend of yours thats when your going to find the true meaning in life with your "new" boyfriend. No man should give a women a choice between her kids. No one can break the love a mother has for a child. Im sorry but I think that if your boyfriend told you that your daughter needs to live with her father, then that shows me that he isnt ready to be a father himself. He cant handle the pressure of another child in the house. He knew you had her when you got together well then he needs to accept her now and forever or dont let the door hitcha where the good lord splitcha. Never give up on what you created. You as a mom have to mold her to the person she will become later in life.. You will help her grow older and become wiser and same as your new baby coming. You just need to rememeber there a support groups out there if you need them. Dont give up, just think of this as a blessing that you are going to have 2 beautiful children to raise. I know that I am not one to give such great advice but I am hear for anyone to lend my ear too. Good luck Steph in your decision, I hope for your sake you make the one that means the most to both of your children. Good luck.

S. chin up girlie ......First off i am sorry to put it this way but your bf now should not tell you that about your daughter ...she is your family and your child as well as the second baby that you are carrying ...I would never and you said you dont to just see your daughter on weekends which really isnt any kind of relationship with a child ...I would tell your current boyfriend that your not doing that as for when baby number two comes your two and half yr old will be a bit older and understand alittle more ..Its hard having two babies i had a 3 yr old with a new born and plus had custody of my niece too and she was 6 let me tell you there smart and i would include your daughter in helping with her baby brother there will be time for mommie and daughter time while baby is sleeping and stuff i would not let this happend with your daughter just cause your bf thinks that it would be better just because shes hyper and outta control you might have to just become a little more strict and just make sure that she is not allowed to act this way she is at mommas house if she acts like that with daddy is all ...take it one day at a time but ...you will be mom to two kids and it will be ok just take it day by day is all ....my sil has a 23 month old and a 8 week old and she does just fine you will see it will be fine but DONT let any man tell you what you should do and your daughters daddy might think fine she dont want her i will keep her period ...maybe when the baby is born you might need a few days to recover a bit then ask maybe u can see your daughter a few hrs or something and the father can come get her but i would not switch my days to just weekends specially she is so young and she needs her momma too:) gl and we are here for you:)

hi,
I think the best thing for you to do is keep things the way they are dont send her away.Ya things will be hard but your a mom you will be able to handle it.When the baby is born let your daughter know that she is a big sister now and that you will need her to help you with the baby so she dont feel left out.I did this with my son which was five when his sister was born and he did a wounderful job helping me out and he was so proud of himself just try it,but one thing if you spend her to her father she will feel replaced and you dont want that.Good luck and let me know what you do.

Hello S.:

I am sorry that you are in the position of not believing in yourself as a mother that is capable of handling two children at various stages. Yes, your newborn will need lots of love and attention but so does your 2 1/2 year old especially after giving birth to another baby who is now invading her space and not getting the attention from mommy all the time.

Its a very difficult position to be in but a parent needs to parent and maybe you should consider taking some parenting classes that will allow you to handle two children and not feel overwhelmed. Also, please don't make the mistake of allowing your boyfriend to dictate were your 2 1/2 should live because it is an inconveniece and or a burden to have her around because you are trying to create the perfect household for the new baby. If you boyfriend loves you then with that love comes a full package that includes your daughter and not excludes her. She is already bouncing back and forth between households and that can be a little disturbing as well...but how do you think she is going to feel when you decide that her visiting you doesn't fit within your new family unit.

I am all for dads taking care of their children and there isn't anything wrong with him raising her...I think that is wonderful....but, for all the right reasons and your reasons just are not good enough. You will continue to have problems in your relationship whether your children are around or not.....But don't choose NO man over your child...that man can walk out that door anytime he wants but your child who loves you unconditionally will always be there....NOW THAT WILL BE A MISTAKE FOR A LIFE TIME!!!

You mentioned you love her to death but aren't willing to put up a fight for her but instead your focus is on NOT wanting to make a mistake with him....It really sounds like you have already made up your mind that your daughter will go and live with her father and in your mind...your relationship and life will be peachy with your new boyfriend and new baby.

I don't want to be harsh S. but it is time for you to take control over being a parent and grow up even though you are only 21 years old. You made these choices and now you have to handle them in an adult matter. If you continue to allow your daughter to be out of control then yes....she will continue to misbehave and she will only get worst.

It is not about you anymore it is about being a mother and stepping up to the plate in all facets to create a balance within your household that works for all. Please don't exclude your daughter from that world and if your boyfriend can't handle having your daughter around...then maybe it is time for him to go....sometimes love isn't enough...but having your children around is priceless.....YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I can tell you are so torn. You want things to work out for everyone. Some things to think about: Why exactly does your boyfriend want you to practically give up custody of your daughter? Is it because she acts up, or does he think it's going to be too hard with two kids? So, what happens when this baby turns 2 1/2 and is having the typical tantrums from that age? Will he want to walk away from that too?
I have 3 kids, the younger two are 22 months apart. My daughter was going through the tantrum stage starting at 18 months. I had no idea how I was going to handle her, a new baby, plus my oldest son who was 7. My daughter totally surprised me. She wasn't jealous, didn't have the attitude that she thought she was being replaced. Sure, I felt guilty....I felt that I was robbing her of her babyhood by having another so close to her age. She was great with her new baby brother! She was in the hospital room after he was born, and was among the first to hold him. She brought a picture of her holding him in the hospital to daycare with her. She wouldn't part with that picture. She was one proud big sister then, and still is 18 months later.

Don't part with your daughter. She and the new baby will loose out on so much bonding time. They need that, it's an amazing realtionship siblings close in age have. My oldest son is seperated by a few years and he doesn't have that same bond. You need to listen to your heart, and from what you typed out above, I think you know you heart is telling you to keep your daughter close. If your boyfriend really cares for you, he will understand. He will have to accept your daughter in order for you to have the family life you dream of having. A little girl needs her momma!
Good luck!

Hey girlfriend, I just need to say a few things, I read the responses that you have recieved and they make sence, you and your boyfriend have been together for how long? I 'am married to a man that has an ex and children from that,also, I have a daughter of my own from another relationship, we have been together since she was alittle over a year and a half,now she is 5 and we also have a 2yr old together and as far as I'am concerned he needed to accept her before he loved you. My husband always thought of my girl as his daughter, and never any less, and that is the way it should be, what your bf needs to do is be more supportive of the situation with your daughter, because most of her behavior is her age, my lil'girl has fits all the time mostly when it's around nap time, what she need right now is more attention, they know that things are different, my daughter was 3 when our baby was born and you have to include her in as much as possible with the baby's care (bottle feeding assisted of course, helping w/ diaper changes by getting the stuff for you...)Do not give in to your boyfrinds wish to send her away to her dad,it is not right, and you guys have had problems already? think about that!? It can be difficult to have multiple kids (sometimes,well most of the week and everyother weekend I have 4) you develope a routine when baby is sleeping that is your time for your girl, right!(baby should sleep alot at this point)show her x-tra attention. If yor bf doesn't like that I would evaluate the relationship, becuase she is worth more than someone that is not a guarentee.good luck and keep in touch, Jen

S., I'm a mother of two children and I am divorced. I am in a relationship but we don't live together either. Mother to mother, your children are your number 1 priority! No man that loves you will ever ask you to leave your child with their father full time . That is a sure-shot sign that he doesn't accept her and he only wants this 'family' to consist of you, him, and the newborn. NOT COOL MAMMA!. Believe me, all your daughter needs is a steady routine, lots LOTS of love and understanding and a little more dicipline. My sons go through this behavior too. I know exactly what you're talking about. Children know and see so much but understand very little especially at 2 1/2 years old.You will be making the biggest mistake of your life. Your daughter is going to feel exactly what you didn't want her to feel. The reason you're scared she will feel this way is because you know it will. IT'S INSTICNCT!. We have a built-in monitor and it tells us whats the best thing to do. If you give your child up to her father 5 days a week, you look weak in the eyes of your ex, your current boyfriend and your daughter ( not to mention the rest of your peers). Your man will have alot more respect for you if you stand up for your child. It will give him a sense of how you will stand up for his baby too. Honey, I know how relaxing it is to have to quality time when she's with her dad, but it's not about you anymore, it's all about YOUR children. I don't mean to be harsh but I have to be because I read your question and see your anxiety. I want you to do whats right in the eyes of you daughter. I have gone through this not to mention struggle with raising two little boys and loving my boyfriend too. Besides how do you think she'll feel at his house with two other children and his girlfriend doesn't accept her as one of her own? Please feel free to talk to me anytime.
Sincerely H.

HI S.,
My name is kelly and i am 29 yrs old i have 2 sons one ten and the other one 2 months old. they are by different ftahers too? i am currently living with my boyfriend and my 2 month old. my ten yr old son lives with his dad due to some rough patches i have had in my life. i see him every other weekend and on alternate monday afternoons. it sucks so bad becuase he wants to be with me more but his dad is married for 4 yrs and they have a 4 yr old and his step mother just had a baby boy 2 weeks ago. he has 2 brothers now and he loves it but talk about exteneded family. now about your problem. i say that your daughter comes first no mateer what. things should remain the same becuase you don't want to uproot the situation she is currently in anymore than it has to. things are going to change dramatically once this baby is born, she will throw fits and will probably dislike the baby but you should prepare her for the baby. talk to her about the new baby brother and how much she will be able to help. by no means should your daughter go stay with her dad all week and with you on weekends. you will be stressed out with 2 kids but isn't worth the love that they give you back. you will be fine and everything will work itself out. i wish you the best and hope i am not sounding like a pushover? if worse comes to worse you can always seek advice from your pediatrician. have you checked out these websites. www.epregnancy.com and www.ivillage.com talk to ya later.

good luck kelly

Hi S.. You've got a lot of good advice...I just wanted to put my 2� in. :)

You can't give up your daughter like that. Seriously think about all that would mean. She would ABSOLUTELY feel abandoned...make no mistake about that. She needs to be with you. Someone else said...and she was right...don't let any man come in between that relationship with your daughter.

I have a 3,8 yr old boy and a 10 month old son. They are almost 3 years apart. It was a little difficult in the beginning, there is definitely an adjustment period, but you can TOTALLY DO IT!!! Keep your chin up...take a deep breath, say a prayer!! God is always near and He loves you. Ask Him for guidance...He wants to help you!

Try to stay consistent with your daughter and be patient, calm. Make sure she knows you love her. Please don't choose this guy over her. Hope it all goes well. We're all here for you!

hi S., its going to be difficult but if u feel that u miss her to much then u need to try and take care of both. my daughter is 1 and i also during the week have a five year old now and they get along good and have since i had my daughter. ur daughter might help u out. i wouldnt try and get her dad to take her. but that is ur opinion. To me that would mean that u dont want her and her dad may see it that way. If I were u i would try it with two before u make any decisions. If ur from the Danielson area i will be more then will to help u during the week. i know how hard it is to deal with children. but u will be a good mom to both of ur children.

S.,
Boy do I know how you feel! My advice to you is tell your "Boyfriend" That you are going to be a family and that means with BOTH kids living under the same roof! If he can't handle that or except it then you don't need him. He needs to Love her like she's his not want to send her away. If he can't except your daughter now he never will especially sfter the boy comes. Your daughter is already confused and if you do send her to her dads and only take her on the weekends she is going to feel like you don't want her. I know I've been there. My son was 5 when I had my daughter who's now 2. He felt the same way and he 2 is from a different father. He sometime still feels that way and he's turning 8. It's hard I know I didn't think I could handle it but you'd be surprised what you can do. One thing you have to make sure you do when the new baby comes is make sure your daughter knows she's just as important. Let her help you get a diaper the wipes ect. Make her feel like mommy's little helper. It's going to be hard but it will all work out. You just have to make sure to include your little girl in the preprations of her new baby brother. Tell her how exciting it is that she's going to be a big sister. Don't worry about her father they have there time and you have yours. Trust me when she gets older she'll know where the love is as long as you show her now and as she grows. Good luck!

girl i feel u i have a 2 1/2 year old my self and a 1 year old and my advice to u is to listen to ur own instinct, i know u love ur man but it sounds like hes trying to avoid ur daughter and it shouldnt be that way she is ur daughter and u have to spend time with her to, its gonna be a lil hard but i mean thats ur daughter how would he feel if u were with someone else and u had the baby and left it to him while u take care of ur new baby i bet he wouldnt like it so y do it to ur daughter its not fair i mean yes its like the sayin terrible twos and its very true but its not gonna last that way forever she will out grow it but dont hurt her like that, by avoiding her and sending her with her father ur showing her u dont love her or care for her and that u prefer this baby and ur man over her, like i said listen to ur own instincts.

Well a 2 1/2 year old daughter out of control is very normal. Especially if she is going back and forth between parents. My daughter was about 2 1/2 when my son was born and she was a handful but because we made a big fuss about being a big sister and encouraging her to help out, we never had problems with her and the new baby. I would encourage you to keep seeing your daughter. If you keep her away from you because you have a new baby she feel like you are replacing her. Although you might have some days that are tough, you will actually have time without her too which is something that will make things much easier. Good luck.

I'm a 26 year old mother of 5,and i have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and she has a sister thats 5 months old now. Right after the baby was born she got to be the big sister and she helps me with her sister and enjoys being with her.. I wouldn't beable to send any of my children away with anyone for any reason. Your daughter will surprise you. I thought my daughter would treat her new sister like a doll and end up hurting her, but she didn't. If your worried just keep an eye on her until she gets used to the idea that she has to be gentle with her new brother. The more their together the better the bond between them and they will get along better

Please don't give up your daughter for any man. You will always regret it and she will not forget when she is older that you chose a guy and the new baby over her. This could also cause more resentment towards the new baby because she will feel as though she was replaced rather then the baby just being an addition. I have a two year old and shes a handful ... they all are. My aunt has a six year old and a seven year old child ... when they were little she had her hands full but she is pregnant with her 7th child and is a wonderful mother. Im sure there were times that she thought how can i do this but you will adjust. Dont ever give up your daughter for a man because men come and go but your daughter is your blood and you will always have a bond with each other... please don't ruin that bond.... you can do it ... put your children first and if he cant accept that move on and remember you can do anything you put your mind to :) Good Luck :)

DON'T DO IT!!! I am a mother of 2 and while it is hard, I would not trade it for anything in the world. You love your daughter and don't want be without her right? Then don't! As someone else posted, you will need a few days to get back on your feet so maybe she can stay with her dad for the few days. But, I would not keep her from seeing your or the baby during that time. This is her baby brother and you want her to love him not envy him because he gets to live my mommy and she doesn't. It is hard, but you will be fine. A mommy always is. If your bf is pushing too hard for her to live with her daddy then send him away. Your kids are your life and you shouldn't send them away for anyone! Good luck and let us know if you need anything.

You said <<I want me and him to live together and raise this baby together as a family, like I said though I don't want my daughter to feel like I'm forgetting about her I love her. >> I am very old fashioned, so what I have to say may not sit right with today's woman, but if you want a family then my suggestion is get married. If you cannot work out your problems before hand with your boyfriend, what makes you think it will happen later in which case than I would not marry him nor would I in either case let him dictate what to do with time spent with your daughter nor would I let him move in either. He accepts you and your daughter because he loves you and he wants to be responsible. Otherwise I have to ask, what is he afraid of? How old is he anyways? With no committment as in marriage, I wouldn't let him move in with you just to raise the baby. Someone in a relationship has to be committed and that is what marriage is. Your daughter is young, but in terms she can understand, she needs to know what is going on. She is already split into two households and house this is portrayed to her can have a big impact on her own life as she matures.

About me? I have five grown children ages 21 to 30 and have been married to one man for 37 years.