Dear Moms, My husband and I are at the end of out tethers with our 9 year old boy. We have been working closely with him and his teacher to improve his school work and overall attitude to homework. He is generally lazy and very easily distracted during class and homework activities. We've tried incentivising him with rewards, various means of light punishment, from simply having him go to bed early to cancelling play dates, to taking away his television and playstation. Each of these measures has worked temporarily but in a matter of a week or two he is back to his lazy and distracted ways. Lately we have been trying to reinforce to him that the only person who will suffer from his lack of action is him, by telling him that if he continues this way he will end up in summer school and possibly not make it through 3rd grade. We are at the point where we haven't given up on him but feel maybe the best thing for him would be to potentially fail. We've also spent a few thousand dollars on extra tutoring, which has not helped his grades and done nothing but prove that he is intelligent but extremely lazy and easily distracted. Any advice is welcome in dealing with this situation. Thanks!!
Have you had him tested for ADHD? From what you've said it sounds like he may have ADHD. 123 Magic is a really good book. I've attended the seminar and know of different teachers that use this method. Good Luck.
Kathy
I see that everyone is wondering if your son has ADD or ADHD..but I'm wondering just the opposite...could he be bored instead of lazy...my nephew seemed lazy and didn't care about his homework and it was discovered that he was simply bored...
it's just a thought!
C. K
Hi Julie,
My situation was a little different, but somewhat similar...
When my daughter was having trouble like this, I have to say, it was emotionally and physically draining me. We had to sit with her every day to complete homework tasks. her biggest thing was homework, she always told me 'i finished it' or 'i left it at school'. She also had a hard time with the subjects though.. she just didn't get it. it was a 3 hour homework night EVERY NIGHT. I felt like I was the one who was teaching her... I started thinking 'where are my tax dollars going if I am the one teaching my kid basic math?' - we couldn't afford a tutor at one of the big centers... I was her tutor. I had a conference with her teacher, and they put her in their IEP 'program' for kids having trouble. here are a few things we did to assist her:
1. She got a lightened homework load - instead of doing 25 math problems, she only had to do 10 (just an example... the actualy amount varied).
2. She received teacher helper assistance with every subject. They did this in a way that it didn't look like only she was getting help - the helper was there for everybody but would also sit with my kid during tests and coach her through each and every problem.
3. She was tested for learning disability and qualified for additional help. She met with a special ed teacher for an hour 3 times a week. This also put her in the 'no child left behind act' - essentially she could not be held back a grade (is the way i understood it) but would continue to receive whatever help needed.
4. She met with and was evaluated by the school pshycologist and social worker.
5. I was interviewed by the social worker as well. My daughter had been through a divorce (she was 2 at the time) and my mother had recently passed away... her Mimi watched her as a baby and we lived with her after the divorce, so this was a very significant loss for my daughter - they put her in a school support program they called "Rainbows" for kids who have experienced a loss of any kind.
6. my daughters self esteem was suffering - she was exhausted too, and felt like every bit of a failure. They gave her a 'modified' report card. The lowest grade she would see, was a 'C' - that equaled an 'F' to the teachers and I, but she didn't see a big blinking FAILURE when she saw 'C'.
7. Lastly, the beginning of every week, I got my OWN homework packet... it was exactly what my daughter was getting throughout the week, so I would know if she had homework and if she forgot it, I had a spare.
8. If my daughter forgot one single assignment, the teacher sent me an e-mail the same day. We were literally in communication once or twice a week, minimum.
It was a lot of work, but when the school works with you (please ask for your son to be evaluated... if you ask for it, they have to give it to you) it can do SO MUCH to help your child.
I am proud to say, my daughter is now in 6th grade, is off the program altogether, and just made honor roll. I cannot even tell you how amazingly proud I am of her. She was 2 grades behind in 3rd grade, and in just a few years, she has managed to make honor roll. When I got that bumper sticker in the mail, I hugged my daughter so hard, and cried and told her how proud i was. she cried too :)
I really hope your school and teacher can see the importance of getting him evaluated and given the right assistance to succeed. You may want to speak with his doctor too.
p.s. - the school psychologist warned us about how we 'punish' failures... I don't know what kind of advice to give in your situation... every child is different, but do be conscious of his self esteem. Maybe make up a sheet that the teacher has to sign every day if he has been acceptable, and he must bring home to you, and if there are 5 signatures, he can have playstation on weekends only. I would take away the TV altogether (in his room i assume?) and just explain to him that it hurts you to take away things he enjoys... that you want him to have them, but until he can prove that he is being responsible, you just cannot reward his current behavior.
I'm sorry... this is so long. I hope you find some of it helpful, and at the very least, encouraging that there are success stories out there :)
Good luck to you guys, and congrats on your pending arrival!
~J.~
This is tough. I think it's our instincts that tell us to "save" our children from themselves. I think it's good to let them fail every once in awhile. They need to learn to do things for themselves, even if the task bores them to tears. How do they think we make it through the day? We do things all the time that are boring and repetitive, but we do them anyway because it's what is expected of us or it is what needs to be done.
Not everything can be as stimulating as tv or a video game.
Hi - I see a few other moms have mentioned the ADHD thing - I have it, and when I was growing up and in school, it wasn't heard of. I was the quiet kid, often daydreaming "in my own world". I was told to try harder, pay attention, etc., but it's like telling someone who is nearsighted to just squint harder! I too tested great, but couldn't remember something that was told to me 2 minutes ago if it wasn't something I was REALLY interested in - then I could hyperfocus on it. I now take Adderall and almost weep when I think how much this would have made a difference when I was in school - but that's done & over.
Hi Julie,
I have worked in residential child care for almost 11 years. I now work in a home with nine boys aged 6-10 years old. We do have similar situations. Our 10 year old has recently been diagnosed with a non verbal learning disability, he has been on Medication for ADHD witch helped with behavior, but not focusing on his school work. It was reccomended to set up a system with a timer that he worked on school work for 10 minutes then could earn 5 minutes to have a break by reading a book or play with a toy etc.(not tv or video games). it worked well. He was able to focus in short bursts and the have a break, we put the timer on the table and he could see it and knew what was expected. I would also reccomend no video games during the school week, he could earn them on the weekend by doing homework well throughout the week. also you say he is very smart, just lazy? Maybe he is bored with his work because he already knows the material. Many public schools do developmental testing to check for learning disabilities etc. possibly another avenue. I hope this info helps.... B. S.
I'd vote for BORED since I had one who sounds a lot like your son. Even her teacher checked her for ADHD... When I asked her what the problem was she told me that she had done the same work the year before so why did she need to do it again... the wisdom of little children.
Once we started home schooling it was a full year to get my older 2 interested in learning again because they had been so bored. It only takes one bad year for them to feel like "what's the use" instead of "wow, this is really interesting." Try to help him get back to thinking that learning is fun and interesting.
To discover if that is the case try this: Find out what they are studying and explore with him either on the computer or at the library. If given the opportunity to learn you will see if he wants to or not. Try not to make it like a class... make it fun and make it like a discovery. You might need to find a subject he loves and start there. If you need any other ideas feel free to contact me through the site.
It's frustrating when your child is not doing as well as you think that they can and should. You have a great love for him though if you are asking for advice from others... that shows that you love him very much! Good luck.
Blessings,
K. Hall
P.S. Congrats for the other one on the way! Hope all goes well!
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Have you considered that he may have some type of learning disability? He may have been able to compensate up until now. Also, have you tried completely eliminating TV and video games for at least 2 weeks to see if maybe he is in some way addicted (i.e. can he find other things to do which may take a little imagination and are not so passive)? Good luck!
I think an evaluation would make sense if you haven't gone that route already. Of course I think AD/HD immediately because my kid has it - but a lot of people don't know that kids can have the non-hyperactive version, which makes kids distracted, unable to focus, daydreamy, impulsive, unable to react as other kids do to the idea of future consequences. That doesn't mean your son has it - I only list those symptoms to describe how personality traits that are annoying can also be part of an actual disability of some type.
You might want to look at some books about helping kids with ADD cope with school. The library should have some. Even if your son doesn't have it, you may find some useful coping tips. For example, we try to be as organized as we can to help him organize himself (but we have a long way to go to be better at that ourselves.) We have a nighttime routine for homework. We are in contact with the teacher frequently to make sure things are getting done, and she uses some coping skills with him too (he doesn't have an IEP at this point, but the teachers have been very good about it.) Break tasks down into small parts and do one thing at a time. That type of thing, but I think the books have creative ways to go about it.
