Need Experienced Advice!!!!!

My 3rd DD is 2 1/2, and going thru the same thing. Lots of times she doesn't listen either. I have started to put her in time out in her room for a couple of minutes. I put her in her rocking chair and stand where she can see me, outside her room and tell her she can come out when she calms down. After a couple of minutes I ask her if she is ready to come out, and she usually calms right down and comes out of her room. I think consistency is the key. I know all to well about giving in and sort of spoiling her, she is my 3rd and she screams the loudest!! We tend to give in to her too much. I am trying to learn from my mistakes! Good luck!

C.
Mommy to Jess, Katie and Julia
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There is this book called 1-2-3 Magic - Effective discipline for children 2-12.

Buy it, read it. You won't be disappointed.

Hi S. M! First I should tell you I am not a Mom but a Dad. My Mother I think jokingly signed me up for this website because I am a stay at home Dad due to being a disabled vet and take care of the home as well as homeschool our children. However, with 24 years of marriage experience and 7 children I feel MORE than qualified to give you some advice. To further qualify that what I say could actually be right I can't tell you the HUNDREDS (literally) of times we get compliments from total strangers about what great kids we have. We even had a waitress once bring out the entire kitchen staff to meet our family because she said she has never met such wonderful children. One tip, as they get older you might want to try to do, when you go out to eat have both you and your husband pretend to have to go to the bathroom at the same time then stand off together in a far corner and see how your children behave. How they do when your not around will be a testimony to how you are doing. Yes, our children pass with flying colors and we have had people sitting by us tell us how great they are. So, now as to your current problem. First, I'm going to tell you some things that may make you uncomfortable but I've seen it hundreds of times. Your yelling actually does nothing. Children know the difference between words and action and quit frankly yelling is nothing but in-action. I don't care what you may or who you may believe or not believe in but if there is one thing I know by experience is wisdom when I hear it. In the Bible is states in Proverbs (a book of wisdom) that, " He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly". (Prov 13:24). Also in Prov 22:6 it says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it". 22:15 says, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him". Yes, I understand that today it is politically incorrect to "touch" your child". Well, let's look at the state of our children and our schools. Enough said. No, even the Bible when it says rod, it is not talking about BEATING your child, but I assure you three small,and I do mean light small spanks will get a child's attention QUICK. ALL CHILDREN WANT AND NEED DISCIPLNE. THEY NEED BOUNDARIES. When your talking (not yelling) does not get you anywhere, if it is followed up with ACTION, then the child knows, "ok Mom (Dad) is serious, I have to change my behavior". My youngest son is four, I don't, 99% of the time, have to do anything but say, son do this and it gets done. Why? Because when he was two I would ask and say please, and if it did not get done, yes, he would get three spanks on the behind and then retold to do it(make sure you give her a hug after disciplining her and telling her you love her but that her behavoir is unacceptable). He understood rather quickly it is easier to do as I am told than to have to go through Dad's (or Mom's and yes, you MUST be in agreement) ACTION. Action speaks louder than words. So S., you don't have to take my advice, but I GUARANTEE if you do, your child's behavoir WILL CHANGE because she will understand that Mom means what she says and she will learn that you love her because she will begin to learn the difference between good and bad behavior. Also, you say you can't stand her crying for an hour, get over it. If you give in she again understands that SHE is the one in control, not you. If she wants to act that way take her into her room, set her on her bed with a love tap and tell her until she stops not to come out. Again, action and intolerance on your part will change her part. You are the adult and she must understand it is you who is in control and not her. Be blessed. K..

Hi! I guess I qualify as an experienced Mom -- I have 4 children, thank God, and they are well, and doing good (ages 14 -21 now).

So, first advice: read about toddler development. It is normal for your daughter to test her limits, and it is necessary for her to develop a sense of self. That is not to say you should give her everything she wants. (My daughter, at aged 3 1/2, told me that if I just gave her everything she wants she wouldn't have to tantrum anymore!! )

Seriously, that toddler stamping her feet and screaming because you took her out of the bathtub isn't fighting with YOU, she is learning how to handle change and disappointment. We all have to do that, right? The crying fit is good for her -- it releases her tension and expresses her feelings. You can just put her down in a safe place and say, "OK, you can cry here and I'll come back from the kitchen (or wherever) and check on you when you are done." Let her do her thing.

Afterwards, come back with a smile and a hug. She will need reassurance, because losing control (the tantrum) is scary. Tell her you love her and understand why she didn't want to (whatever) but that this is the rule (or whatever) and sometimes we have to do things we don't want. Then suggest how she might handle the disappointment better next time.

Another thing that will help: Toddlers need to make choices. So the more choices you give her, the less need she will have to test her limits. Examples: Do you want to wear the red dress or the green dress? Do you want to eat the sandwich first or your vegetables first? Always offer two options, both of which are fine with you.

And RELAX. Toddlers are challenging creatures, but they can be lots of fun. Build time into your schedule so that the inevitable little tussles won't throw your day off and stress you out.

Take care of yourself. Don't get too tired to eat. Make sure you get sleep, even if you have to ask a neighbor to watch the kids while you nap.

I hope this helps you. Bless you and the children.
--S.

When my daughter was two, she was actually abusive to me. She would scratch my face or bite, and I was at a loss of what to do. My husband, who is a gifted parent, would always do one of two things. My daughter is now almost 14, and the proof is in the pudding. She is a dream child now because of these two things;

1. Punishment doesn't work and only ever makes kids angry, so throw that out the window. Trying to distract her is really good, but sometimes it doesn't work. Hugging works, even when they are out of control, because if they start to struggle and you hold them tighter, but lovingly, they feel safe knowing you are in control. If you whisper or sing gently in their ear, they will become quiet so they can hear you. She will soon relax in your arms. Remember, no matter how bad she is being, keeping calm and loving and holding her and singing gently reassures her that she is safe, loved unconditionally, and it is better to be quiet than to be bad. It may sound like the opposite of what you are used to doing, but in time, when she starts to feel out of control, she will run to you for cpmfort almost before she is out of control.

2. Time out on the stairs for really bad behavior...but still, not as punishment. More as, you have to sit there until you feel ready to join the family. If they quiet immediately, or in two minutes, or in a half an hour, they learn to regulate their behavior and you are never the bad guy. Its in their control. The first several times you may have to sit with her, but over time, you will find her sitting on the stairs (or a special chair) giving herself a time out even before she needs it!!

My daughter was absolutely frightening in her tantrums when she was small. She is now more self-disciplined than most, respectful for having been respectful and loving and compassionate when other children cry. I am so thankful my husband taught me these things when she was small, because I probably would have spanked her. :-)

As a former teacher assistant we were always taught to ignore the bad and reward the good. For any person with a child that has behavior issues it is often impossible.

I used to start off with a resonable behavioral chart. starting with one task you would like her to accomplish. i.e. when mommy asks you to do something you do. If she gets maybe 3 or 5 stars in a day she gets a reward. The reward does not have to be a toy, most times quality one on one time or watching a movie together works. After she sees that getting stars gets her something she likes it should help.

Make sure that you give her a choice of things to do. And don't give her the option of not doing something. i.e. while gettign dressed Do not say Do you want to get dressed, instead say we are going to get dressed now, do you want to put on your pants first or do you want to put on your shirt.

She also need constant reminders of what is expected of her. These reminders need to be said in a calm voice. You can not show her that you are getting frustrated with her because often times it wil prevoke the behavior. You can also model the behavior, she learns everything form you and your husband.

There are many many many ideas and techniques that you can do and it would be impossible to name them all! just remember that it takes time to change a behavior, keep working at it and modeling the behavior you would like see. Dont give up!!

Good luck

I would be sure to give her a ton of choices. i.e. if she doesn't want to clean up her legos, say "would you like to clean up the blue ones first or the red ones?" I find choices always make it easier at age 2 and 3. More examples -"do you want to walk to the bathroom or hop like a bunny?" "Would you like to put on your pajamas first or brush your teeth?" I also find that distraction is pretty easy at this age. Be creative with it, and try your best to pick your battles, or you will end up in a ton of power struggles. Good luck!

I agreed with Amy. I have a 2 year old too. Your daughter is just going through a normal stage. You are doing a good job. Just stick with it. But do not use Time-outs too often, it will become less effective. Also, when you feel frustuated or lost control, ask your husbund to take over for a few minutes.

Hi, I went through the same thing with my daughter and i tried the 1 2 3 MAGIC and it takes a while but it WORKS!!! They have books as well as dvds. I here you with the lack of patience. I started off right away and it was a hugh adjustment for all of us but its well worth it. If she is misbehaving i will tell her 1 and when she does it again its 2 and the when she does it again its 3 and after its time out (mins per age.)and the first week i had to hold her down in time where i really thought it was not ever going to work. If we are at the park and i had to tell her more than 3 times we would do time out and after that we would leave and it hurt me the first few times becasue when you make your kid sad it hurts but thats how she learned. Now i dont even get to 3, unless we are having a really bad day. You can follow exactlly but i changed it a little because it worked better for her and if you try it you will see whats better for you and your family. Also this has made my husband handle her a whole lot better when he is home from work to. I will take some time and dedication and it can be hard but it well worth it in the end. I tried everthing with my almost 4 yr old and this was the only thing that work and it took us 2 weeks to work fully and its been great. Good Luck and let me know if it works for you.

S.-
Time to crack the whip! She is two and she is going to see you as one big button that she will push over and over if you let her. If she gets any sort of payoff, her routine will never chg. Bite the bullet. The first time she cries for an hour (you get yourself some headphones and blast some music while she flips out) over a relatively short period of time, she will get the hint. Her actions have NO payoffs. She will change her actions. She will have to! If you gave her a bunch of wiggle room in the beginning, she is used to that. It will take some time to "reprogram" her. I would sugg NO talking when you have reached your limit. Give her one very strong, very loud warning and tell her that it is her last warning. If she doesn't stop, take her gently by the hand, bring her to another room (maybe her room), put her in bed and slam the door. She has to get the hint that her world will chg if her actions do not chg. Consistancy that is the key. You might not see a chg as fast as you want...ie the first time...but stay with it. She is a smart little girl who is playing you like a piano!! You are her sucker!! Don't be her sucker! I was a bit of a sucker with my first too. I just projected to the future and it scared the pants off of me! What would happen when I couldn't send him to his room??? Then what??? I would get walked all over!! Start now and you will be fine!
S.

Dear S.,
You are suffering now for allowing your daughter to get away with things in the past, but I am proud that you realize it now and want to correct the situation while she is so young. Imagine what she would be like as a teenager if you let this continue? Always remember the "Discipline is Love" and a good mother will always discipline. Your children will learn to respect you for it.
The first thing you need to teach her is that her actions will have consequences; good actions have good consequences, and bad actions have negative consequences. And the trick is to ALWAYS follow through with the consequences. At age 2, they are testing their independence and their boundries; that's why they call it the "terrible 2's". Yelling is not always an alternative for bad behavior; you get more frustrated and kids learn to tune you out. It also sounds as though you try to redirect her bad behavior and divert her attention to something else, something she enjoys. This will only promote bad behavior because she is receiving something better in the end.
If she cries for an hour - let her. I guarantee you will listen to it once and she will never do it again if it does not bring her the results she wants. She is testing YOU. Think about the fact that you are doing anything to shut her up when crying, but she is NOT doing anything to shut up your yelling.
The trick is to be creative when dealing with consequences, and actually it can be fun - and challenging. Let me give you some examples. When my children squirmed uncontrollably at the table, I threatened to belt them in. I got my father's elastic belt and did exactly that, without yelling. It took one time belted to the back of their chair and they never squirmed again. Once, they totally refused to eat their dinner. We made them sit at the table while we went about our evening until they ate, which took til 10 pm. Then they were sent right to bed. Never again did they refuse to eat dinner. A neighborhood kid dumped sand from the sandbox into the birdbath. I knew he wanted an explosive reaction from me. But instead I asked him how would the birds bath and drink in that mess? He shrugged. I gave him a teaspoon and made him return the sand to the sandbox one teaspoon at a time. It took him 2 hours, but he always respected our property after that.
What I am trying to say is that you can acheive discipline without always yelling, but you have to follow through. Keep experimenting and learn what works for your children.
My children are now 24 and 21. My daughter works with children with behavioral problems and my son is in a military college. Both of them admit that their choices were due to the discipline they learned at home. Discipline is a GOOD thing.
Lots of luck to you, W.

Yes mommy I made that same mistake. First of all, negative attention is just as affective as positive attention. It might be a little trying on you for awhile but, you are going to have to for make sure that you are not inadvertently rewarding her for doing bad things. I am sure that you are not a bad mommy but, you are making bad choices. For example, when you child does not listen to you, you try to get her attention on other things, you are rewarding her with your attention. You must be firm and consistent. Also, I believe in discipline so sometimes swatting her on her hind end wouldn't hurt. Find out what is important to your child (and they are all different). It might be a favorite toy, McDonald's etc. Set it up in plain view, and tell her that she cannot have it until she obeys you. Stop yelling at her too, it is just a form of negative attention. You must learn to ignore her when she refuses to listen. And just in case you think you can't do this, try to imagine a 15 year old that won't listen to you. I all begins right now. I am sure that you will do fine, we all make mistakes with the first child but, by the time the 3rd, 4, 5th comes along - we are pros. I hope this helps.

Is she actually not listening or does she have a hearing problem? I had to have my son checked for both his eyes and hearing because he wasn't listening, recently I found out that I have a gene that I will slowly loose my hearing, so I am glad I had him checked at age 2.
If you know that she really can hear and is not listening, here it goes: I stopped yelling. If you find that you don't have any patience it is ok, we all lose it, we have all made mistakes and learn from those before us, just send her to her room, take deep breaths so you are ready to calmly talk to her bring her out of the room and sit at the table. If she is in the room crying let her know that when she is done crying you will talk to her, go in every 10 minutes and ask her if she is done. When she is done, and you are in the middle of something ask her to wait at the table. Diverting her attention from what she did wrong doesn't fix or change the behavior. If things happen when your husband is home, do the same thing.

She is 2 and you can change her behavior and your baby will learn the right way. When talking to her have her repeat to you what she understood/you said. "okay" doesn't mean she understands. Let her know that you will tell her things once and that she is to obey the first time! If she doesn't back to time-out. Keep doing it, be consistant! She will learn!
More than 2 minutes on time out is unpreductive for she will forget why she was put on time out. Once you take her off time out ask her why she was put on time-out, this will let you know she is learning what she did wrong. Put a calendar where she can see it and reward her with a favorite sticker each day she has a good day, when she has a bad day take the toy away and let her know she will have to earn it back. A good way to start is to take all the toys that are her favorite out of her room using the toys as rewards. Taking the toys out help too, because being sent to your room is a punishment, not playtime!

Early bedtime is also important, @ 2 yr olds she should be sleeping 10-12 hrs. I did this with my kids,both my 13 & 9 yr olds still goe to be @ 7:30 pm and gets up at 7am, the 13 yr olds earns hours to stay up on the weekend. Putting her to bed to get rest also gives you time for yourself and to spend with your husband, and to bond with you newborn, which is very important in a young marriage.
Now that you have a new baby in the home it is even more important to stress with her not to ever touch the baby without mom or dad, give her a little chore of bringing you the diaper. BUT NEVER LEAVE HER ALONE or do anything else with out your permission. I kept my baby in the carrier so that I could take him where ever with me in the house. My older son, at the time was 3, he too was great until the 2nd one came along and I caught him in the crib trying to cover his sibling up because it was cold! Needless to say he was sufficating him and was jumping up and down in the crib almost landing on him.

At that time my dad gave me the best advise ever. He said Your mother raised you and you have all the instincts in you, all I can say is NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON THE TWO OF THEM, TAKE THE BABY WHERE EVER YOU GO IN THE HOUSE, PUT A GATE ON THE BABY'S ROOM SO NO CHILDREN CAN GET IN.
A great resource that I used was
"Shepherding a child's heart by Tedd Trip... Excellent!
Always remember be strong, be consistant and don't give in, your teaching her a valuable lesson in life and it takes 21 days to change a behavior, be consistent and on the same page with your husband. Talk together as to what the consequences of her actions will be. Be consistent.

Stick to your guns, Momma! It's hard, but this is even harder. What is her favorite thing? Take it away, and she has to earn it back. Like the "Mystery Box", where you put things when she doesn't listen, like toys or movies etc. Then, it's a mystery where the stuff went and a mystery when she'll get it back. Or maybe have her earn something by behaving and listening all week and then on friday or saturday, take her on a special trip. To the dollar store or mcdonald's or pizza hut. Try to make it fun. And for your own sanity, learn how to crochet!! I did it and my husband and my son are still alive, HAHA,(just kidding!). You will relax while crocheting or knitting, and you'll have something you made at the end. It's wonderful. You can make scarves and hats and blankets. Then you can teach your daughter and it will be something you can both do together!! Good luck, I hope you get something that works for ya!!

Please take a big deep breathe and try to relax. Nothing I read, even about you not being the bad mommy, has raised a red flag as far as any of this being your fault. Trust me, I would be totally honest if I read anything that would make me think that.

Aside from all the changes in your home right now, your daughter is behaving like a typical 2 year old. New baby or not, that is how they act - all over the world and all throughout time. 2 years old kids do not try to be defiant. They really don't. Really. I have forgotten that many times too and lost my cool, because I know how hard it is.

Typical (meaning children without developmental delays) 2 year old children are learning to control their world. They want to imitate you, not make you angry. They absolutely do not have the cognitive ability to control their behavior. They are implulsive because their brains are so young.

There are no easy solutions to taming a 2 year old. But there are some things you can do to keep their frustrating behavior at a minimum.

1. Keep a consistant routine/schedule. Hard with a new baby, but kids thrive when they know what is coming next. Make sure she has her own quiet time in her own space at a set time each day, say after lunch, for 2 hours. She can nap or play quietly. You will both be refreshed after that time.

2. Redirection. Time-outs do not work for young 2's. And even older 2's it should be used sparingly. Redirect her attention as best you can when there is something you see that could cause a tantrum. Hard with a stubborn 2 year old, but worth a try.

3. Simple firm language when disciplining. Get down low to her level, make eye contact and say simply and clearly "No TV now. After lunch." or whatever. You'll have to repeat it and repeat it and repeat it, but that is how she learns.

4. Get her involved. Give her things to do to help you. 2 year olds want to help & learn. Have her bring you a diaper, get you a napkin, wash the floor with a baby wipe, whatever. These are great to do when you want to redirect her attention.

5. Outside play. This does wonders. Give her an hour to play outside in unstructured playtime. Running, jumping, climbing, sidewalk chalk. It really helps with annoying 2 year old indoor behavior.

6. It is ok to yell. So don't be so h*** o* yourself. Just continue being the parent, not the friend, be firm and consistant and fair and it will be ok.

So everytime she drives to crazy, take a deep breathe, count to 10 and remember that 2 year olds are suppossed to behave like this and it will not last forever. Promise.

A.

I have a 2 year old also. She is not a very good listener. My husband says I have no patients and I yell alot. I think think this is just a phase(terrible two's. Even when your daughter cries for and hour ignore it and don't give in to what she wants. When you say no stick to it all the time. It may take time but it works.

S.,

Its going to be fine,

Simple solution,

Make sure all the TV programs she is watching are PBS
or Sprout TV They teach them lessons.

And keeps her occupied and entertained with possitive exposure

You really need to stop yelling, all your doing is teaching your daughter HOW to lose control, and that is OK to just Yell and carry on.

She is a GOOD girl and you are a GOOD family.
But you can't expect to teach your daughter a lesson that you haven't learned yet yourself.

SO, first focus on your OWN reaction,
Easier said than Done, right,

WRONG- What you do, is make sure your DAys are planned and organized

this makes everything run smoothly, and and then your daughter will be happy and so will you,

After this, you work on your reactions to things,

Eg. Your daughter makes a mess?
Realize that its NOT her fault, She is a KID, and needs to be monitored EVERY MINUTE. LOL I know it can be difficult

But this is where getting organized can change things
Planning out her day give her structure, and it doesn't have to be MAJOR,

All you need is a timer.
Even use the microwave timer. Or cell phone

Decide to feed your daughter her breakfast at a certain time

and then a snack at another specific time.

She needs to sit at the table

She needs to WAIT at the table till you have cleaned it off OR help you clear it off ( At 2 she is capable of putting things in the garbage and putting her plates in the sink
( just make sure they are plastic)

If you praise her she will be happy to do it
and its and easy way to start

After she learns this task she will be able to clean up her OWN toys

@ days a week should be PLAY DAYS
Eg.. LIke a playdate, and a messy playdough afternoon

3 days a week should be at home
and very routine

And weekends are family days.

Lay out her clothes every night, don't give her a choice

Lay out the New babys clothes aswell,
including yours and your husbands

Breakfast lunch and dinner should be at the same time everyday.

( YOU can wait to eat with your husband if you like but she must eat ON a schedule)

ALL of these little things will go a long way to repairing your daughters episodes

Good luck

M
Mother of 3

First of all, hang in there! You have two very young children depending on you, and you need to keep your cool. My first born was 3 when her brother arrived, and it seemed to me that I began to expect more form her when the baby arrived. I expected her to act like the big kid I saw her as, rather than as the preschooler she was. Most two year olds do not listen. This is a normal aspect of being 2! She is just learning to communicate, just learning what is expected of her, and just dealing with the arrival of her sibling! She is not going to listen to long directions or even understand time restrictions like one hour. Your discipline needs to make sense to her two year old brain, which works very differently from yours. You need to be very clear, direct, and immediate. For example, if she is throwing her blocks, say "no throwing blocks". If she does it again, take the blocks away. No yelling, no long explanations, just take them away. Don't give them back until tomorrow, but you don't have to say that. Just put them away. She may cry. So what? If you can't take the crying, distract her with something else, but DO NOT give the blocks back. That will teach her to keep crying until she gets her way. She needs to learn that "no throwing blocks" means she will lose her blocks if she throws them, and crying will not win them back. Be consistent, and remember that when she disobeys you, she is trying to get your attention. It is a good idea to say things like, "I have to change the baby's diaper right now, but when I am done I'll play with you.". Then follow through. That way, she knows she will get your attention, but that you have to focus on her sibling sometimes, too. I would avoid saying "5 minutes" or whatever, because she has no sense of time right now. Expect that she will act up. She is two, after all, but be consistent in the way you handle her outbursts, stay calm, and be patient. She will start to listen, eventually! I have survived "two" twice. My kids are 10 and 6 now. I promise, it gets easier!

I'm also stuggeling with my almost three year old (I have a six month old as well). I've received three good pieces of advice recently. Maybe they're just reminders but it's important. Be consistent. Pick a position, a consequence, a response whatever and stick to it. It's hard but kids need to know what to expect. Secondly, it takes kids weeks and weeks, sometimes months and months or having consistent respones to the same action before they start really getting it. That means fifteen, twenty time-outs or more for the same action. Third piece of advice, sometimes when they don't seem to be listening they're just spacing out, in their own little world. Give them the benifit of the doubt when they don't listen to you the first couple of times. They might just be spacing out. I know that this is true with my son and I just didn't notice it at first. Anyway, I'm really struggling to keep my cool and not blow up at him. Give yourself a break. Having young kids is so so so hard. Good luck to us both.

I have a 3 year old and I find that if I squat down so that I am at his level and look at him right in the eye, he listens better. However, it isn't called the terrible 2's for nothing, so when he has a fit and I also have a baby, I tell him he has to go to his room (it helps with the crying, so you and the babe won't be in the middle of his fit) and I find he works it out on his own in there. He will most often come out and say he's all better now, and sometimes he doesn't come out for a bit and when I go to check on him... he's reading! I think sometimes they get overwhelmed and they need a break as much as we do!

Two INVALUABLE books which you might want to get (they helped me immeasurably in parenting) are both by a parenting expert in NY named Nancy Samalin. The books are Loving Your Child Is Not Enough, and Love And Anger: The Parental Dilemma. Get them immediately! She's a genius!
Good luck!,
J. B

I am going to recommend a discipline program for you, it works great when you are consistent with it. I was a social worker at a residential group home for behavior problem children and this system we used as part of staff training. When my daughter was 2 and started testing and going through tantrums and stuff I started implementing this progam it was a total change. It is called 1 2 3 Magic by a Dr. Phelan. Look it up on the internet at parentmagic.com . It is a positive form of discipline that helps kids follow rules and build self esteem at the same time (because they feel like they have a choice) And it is great for you and your husband being that you need to work on patience. It will help you in that area as well, because it gives you the steps, literally 1 2 3 to take and it cuts out all that yelling and verbage that is not effective. It is like time out but there is a lot more to it, a lot of great advice on the tapes. You have to get the tape and watch it with your husband so the two of you can be on the same page with this. It works! Start with the discipline that is consistent and predictable now and this will be a valuable tool for you for years. Order the tapes/book/or DVDs on the websight. It's not expensive. Well worth it. Let me know if you tried it what you think! Good luck!

Hello,

I am sure you have already done this or her doctors would have noticed, but my first thought was that maybe your daughter has a hearing problem and that's why she isn't responding, or "listening".

If that's not the case, then I do think it might be her way of responding to the new baby. Maybe she doesn't act jealous in the way you would expect, like being mean to the baby, but her behavior might just be to get more attention.

Does she also "not listen" to your husband, or is it mostly you? If it's just you, she may be looking for more of your attention. Or maybe Daddy (or Grandma & Grandpa, or an aunt or uncle) can take her on special outings so she feels important, while you spend time alone with the baby.

New babies need alot of attention & she may feel she's not getting enough...after all, she was the only child before, and got ALL the attention!

Hi S.,
I am 40 and have a 7 year old and a 9 year old. Both girls. I know how you feel about not wanting to be a "bad mom" and having it backfire on you. Yelling is not effective at all. What I learned, and my doctor and my friends were amazing when I needed advice, was that sleep plays a huge factor...does your daughter have good naps? does she have an appropriate bedtime for her needs?
"healthy sleep habits happy child" by Marc Weissbluth saved my sanity and made me feel alright with the screaming. There will be a protest when you make change. If you feel confident that this change is good, you will deal with the screaming by letting it happen. Eventually it stops.

I would start there, and then with confidence get down to her level physically and tell her to look you in the eye, and tell her about the changes that you are making...simply put. There will be a punishment for not listening.
I also had a chart on my fridge, that I made and would be happy to send you a copy. In the left column are the few things we wanted to change

good listening
talking nicely
helping each other

along the top is everyones name in their own column. including you and your husband.

explain the chart and how it works...

BUY STICKERS, let her pick them out and when something positive happens like she finally listens and she can pick one or two stickers to put in that square fo that thing.

I made one every week and it helps make changes....even at that young age. There should be big smiles and celebration when she does something right to reinforce your feelings on her behavior.

good luck and you can write me directly if you want
____@____.com.

C.

Our son Patrick, now 4, did not respond to any of the traditional parenting advice- time outs, taking toys away etc.. we were VERY frustrated for a long time. We found a book that helped us to understand him and his behavior and it gave alot of advice that WORKED!! I would highly recommend the book "Raising Your Spirited Child". I do not know if it applies in your situation, but nothing else worked for us. Good Luck

Hello, take a deep breath...Okay, if you didn't yell at your child every once in awhile you wouldn't be human. That being said let's see if we can help.(I am a mommy of 5 little boys my oldest is 8,7, almost 6, 4 and bringing up the rear 18 months.) It is okay for your daughter to be angry and yell, it is her way of expressing herself...( you get angry and yell)...what you need is ground rules...when she gets angry tell her it's okay for you to be upset and move her to her bed, tell her when she is all done and feels better she may come back out and play with you....now this could take her 5 minutes or two hours of crying(I've had both) but stick to it and eventually she will understand to calm down and come out...it's not easy at first but it works...two of my kids would actyally put themselves in "time out" if they felt themselves getting too worked up...when she finally comes out of her room act happy to see her(even though you will now have a headache from all the screaming)and go from there. Once you establish a pattern and you stick with it she will come around but if you give in it will take twice as long because she knows you will cave...so be strong. Most of the things she is doing are for your reaction....thats why she laughs...for example if she throws food on the floor and you get angry and then she laughs it's because she is thrilled you got mad because she thought you would not that she thinks it's funny to make you angry...does that make sense? when you get angry you take a deep breath...teach her to do that, it will physically make her feel better and if she doesn't understand what you are telling her to do vibrate your lips when you do it or give her bubbles to blow...the best advice I can give you is be consistent, children in limbo are not secure or comfortable because they don't know what to expect...wake up every day and do the same things in the same order...whatever works for you...and as she gets used to it she will be much more relaxed...an example of my daily routine...up at 7, the boys watch a t.v. show while I make breakfast, we put the big boys on the bus and they watch another show while I shower, then we play or run our errands, then lunch, after lunch naps, play, big boys come home, dinner and one more t.v. show and a book before bedtime...it's the same ad they all know what comes next and we have a pretty easy time at home...good luck, I hope I didn't overwhelm you.

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you are having. My best advice? Nip it in the bud! The more she knows that she can cry and get what she wants or ignore you and get what she wants, the less control you will have.

I have a three year old and we have always tried to treat her with respect and let her know that she has to do the same. We don't treat her like a baby, we talk to her as we would to an older child, outlining her choices and possible consequences. I think children really crave control. We feed them, bathe them, tell them when to go to bed, dress them, etc. Whenever possible it is ideal to give the child choices so they feel more grown up. I ask my daughter what color dish she wants, what clothes/pjs she wants to wear to bed, I let her pick what sheets I put on her bed, etc. When we go to a restaurant I don't order for her, I let her pick from the meals that I think are acceptable.

When she misbehaves, I give her choices also. For example "You can be a good girl and do "____" or there will be no TV today." If she is disrespectful I give her similar choices. If she wants me to stay with her when I tuck her in at night then she knows she has to behave or I will leave the room. Sometimes you have to leave them in their room and just let them cry it out. But whatever you do, don't give in while they are crying.

When you state a consequence, YOU NEED TO STICK TO IT! Don't choose a consequence that you can't follow through with. If you back down, you lose control and she will know that she can walk all over you.

The other piece of advice I have is that you and your husband need to agree on a method and do it together. Kids love to "divide and conquer". When my daughter doesn't like my husband's answer, she will come to me. If I know Dad is in charge at the moment I tell her "You'll have to go ask Daddy, he's in charge right now."

Hope this helps!

S.

This is an age old problem. I suggest you hang in there and listen to her cry and carry on but stick to your discipline. It may take some time, a few days or a week, but she already knows how to get to you and get her way. I used to put on some music or call a friend or step out onto the porch or just remind myself why I had to do what I was doing at the time!Good Luck
I have 2 adult sons and I went through the same type of thing.

I also have a two year old. I also have a problem with her not listening but I have to say that it sounds like your daughter rules the roost. You may not want to hear her cry for an hour but it may be what you have to do. What ever you decide the puishment is - stick with it. She now knows that she only has to cry for an hour before you give in and give her the attention that she wants. That doesn't mean you don't give her attention but this is her way of seeing how high she can make you jump. It will take about two weeks of HELL. Don't yell, don't get mad. Put her in her room, time out, quiet chair, rug. (whatever you use) and let her cry her little lungs out!! Whatever you do - DO NOT under any circumstances let her win!!! I know this may sound mean but I can honestly say it works. I have 3 children (7, 5, 2 1/2) and my 2 1/2 year old may start a fit when she doesn't get her way but she knows that it will get her no where so she gives up pretty quickly, then it's easier for me to redirect her attention to something that doesn't make me crazy!! I hope this helped.

It sounds like you are on the right track with not giving her things that she wants. My daughter was similar but I was a single parent,now she is 27yrs. old and a great young women. I will tell you being the first she received lots of attention,so she probably is a little spoiled,maybe not by you or your husband but by everyone else. She probably is adorable and she gets away with things,that maybe she shouldn't. The only thing I could tell you is that if she wants something badly ,you need to explain softly that she will not receive it until she behaves and listen to you and your husband and both you need to be on the same line of fire. The best thing I could share with you is listen to your Heart and what it tells you and not to anyone else. You know your daughter better than we and if she needs to be punished or have her toys taken away from her and she crys! Let her cry,I have an old saying BETTER YOU CRY THAN ME CRY!!!! This is true and it works!!! I know you don't want to hear it but beleive me it does stop when she knows that she can't get away with it any more. Don't worry she will be a great daughter. Only the Teenage years will bother you again,that is why you need to get a grip on it now!!!

i have been reading postings and have never responded. mostly because it always seemed the posts should really be answered by doctors. but yours i feel compelled to respond.

when i was just about your age, i was going through the same thing. i had a 2 year old that didnt "listen" and a new born that needed my time and attention. i also had no patience, no sleep and my husband was not very helpful. this was very hard for me. and it lasted about 2 years before i did anything about it. that was 2 years too long to wait. i yelled too much at my older daugher, and as she got older, i would bring her to her room and drop her on her bed and shut the door. when i started losing patience with the baby, i knew it wasnt all them.
turns out, i had a problem with depression and anxiety. when i went for help for myself, EVERYTHING TURNED AROUND.

i am not saying that it is definitely you, i am just saying that being able to lengthen my "fuse" helped me deal the right way with my toddlers and made my life as a whole, from unmanageable to actually enjoyable.

here is a little about me... NOW:
my oldest will be heading off to college next year, and she is a wonderful, trustwothy, level headed, studious (straight As), loving and helpful young lady. (so i guess i didnt do her too much damage. - though she does respond to me with a lot of yelling which i attribute to my own yelling)

my advice: find a psychiatrist for yourself. whether you need medicine to help lengthen your "fuse" or just to have someone who will listen to your frustrated rants. sometimes they even give good advice on how to look at situations to deal with them better.

best of luck
s

Yelling is not going to do any good..for you or her..she wants your ayttention and she is getting it by you yelling at her..she is two she is just a baby she is not an adult..go on the internet, read abuot two year olds..give her some special time. While the baby is asleep hold her tell her you love her, tell her she special and beautiful tel;l her she is a gift just like the new baby..remember she was the one being babied and had all your attention for two years..Also children's hearing does not fully develope until they are 12 years old. Kiss and hug her a lot tell her the babt can't take care of itself you need her help she wants you to know she still exists. I will pray for you I believe God will work everything out.

I have been going through the same thing! I got this book called "1 2 3 Magic"--http://www.parentmagic.com/. It really works! You just have to stick to it and make sure your husband agrees with it. Basically there's not a lot of explaining, you just say "That's one," and after the 2nd time "that's two," then after three it's a time out. It has been working about 50-60% of the time (meaning we just get to one or two and she knows where its going, so she stops). So anyway, get the book--it really helped me a lot. Try half.com for cheaper books.

First, stop yelling, she's use to it now.
When she acts out,
bend down to get eye level, look her in the eyes and in a low
stern voice tell her to stop.
Then tell her to sit down and be quite.
You have to do this with a stern face.

The voice is a surprise. When she starts crying in the same voice, tell her she will have to leave the room if she continues. (send her out of the room and hold firm)

When she stops explain to her that you expect her to do what she's told and you will not except any thing less.

You can use the voice any where in a short time she will be able to look at you and know when to stop.

Think army sergent with a softer voice,

Mother of four and two grands

IT is partially the age, so it will get better. I know it is hard to have patience. My 3 1/2 year old gave tested my patience and gave me lots of gray hairs - still does! I find that even though it is really hard, don't give in. I think it is the only way that children realize that there are consequences to their actions. If she has done something that you have clearly explained is not acceptable, then you remove her from that situation. If it involved a toy that she wanted to play with, take the toy. As my Dr. told me,children can cry for a long time, but if you give in, even after an hour or more, they will know that all they have to do is cry for long enough and you will give in.
I have also learned that time out don't work as well for some children. My son enjoys counting, so he would sit in a chair for as long as I though necessary and he would tell me how many things he counted, then get up and do the same thing that he did to be put in a time out.
It is hard - and discipline is always easier said then done, but it make things more manageable in the end. And if you fear your patience is running out - just leave the room - get away from your child for a few minutes. As I've learned yelling at your children just makes both of you feel worse. I feel guilty and my children get scared. When you ignore the crying and screaming, sometimes they stop b/c they realize they aren't getting your attention anymore.
Good Luck!

S.,

The first thing your husband and you need to do is get some patience. I know it is easier said than done but keep this in mind coming from a parent with older children whose husband had done the same:

1) The way you talk to them is the way they will talk to each other and you. My oldest often speaks to his brother the way his dad talks to him. It is something we are trying to undo.

2) Do you want the only time she responds to you to be when you yell? We save yelling for "emergencies". I don't want it to have to get to that point for my children nor do I want my children to wait until I count to 2 because they know they have until 3 "or else".

3) She cries because she knows if she does it will wear you down. Put her in her room and tell her that whining will not get her what she wants. My children do not get what they want if they whine or cry.

When my oldest was 2, he used to play with outlets. He got shocked twice and it still wasn't enough to stop him. I tried time outs, tapping his hand, everything. It didn't help and he knew what he was doing as well. You know what worked? Every time he touched a plug or outlet, I flicked the top of his hand once. It is a quick sting and they begin to associate the behavior with the sting. Within a week, he didn't touch plugs or outlets anymore! Now he is 7 and he does but we have since taught him how to do it safely.

At her age, I think the hand flicking is going to be your best bet. Keep your tone calm though. You cannot discipline out of anger without wondering if you are going overboard. If you discipline while calm and in control then you can keep your wits about you.

I have three boys (7, 4, and 6 months). Trust me...stay consistent and you will see a difference!

Hugs,
L.

hi, try not yelling so much, negative attention is still attention, and it seems that might be what your daughter is looking for. As you said, you do spend quality time, during that time try to praise the good things that she does and tell her how great it is to play with her. When she is listening and paying attention to you - recognize it and tell her "good listening." kids will do whatever it takes to get you to notice them. try not reacting in an upset way to the the things that she knows is wrong - i don't mean ignore it, just take a deep breath and tell her that her behavior is not acceptable. Don't yell, get down to her level and look her right in the eyes and tell her that her behavior makes you very sad. pick and choose your battles - if the situation is not so terrible, ignore it. definitely reward her for good behavior and make the greatest fuss over the littlest things she does that are good. there are books on positive discipline that might help, just praise, praise, praise and let some of the naughty things go. DO NOT LET HER SEE THAT SHE UPSETS YOU. GOOD LUCK.

Hi, it sounds like you are having a hard time. Don't think you are alone we all have something going on.
Some people may think this is unconventional, but I have tried making a big deal out of good behavior. Saying something like "what a good little girl you are being" and rewarding her by giving a favorite treat or a new toy. This of course should be selective, the toy giving anyways. I have two beautiful boys, a 1 and a half yr. old and a 5 year old. The world is about rewards for a good job done. It won't hurt to try.
Good luck.

hi S.
i will be brief cause i have my youngest of 3 on the couch right now wanting mommy time. (age 10).

definitely check out either the book, video or cassette called magic 1-2-3 by thomas phelan. it will help you and hubby get on the same page and it will keep you from being worn out and unavailable emotionally for other family members. my oldest who is now 16 was the same way. for her i think it was the game of it, and the attention and that i had no really discipline plan.

i loved it and used this discipline plan for a long long time. it worked and the i think the kids liked it too.
also as you watch or listen or read the info . . . think of time out as a way to regroup and rejoin the social situation when you have pulled yourself together and not so much as a punishement. i think it is great to teach when we cant be appropriate to take a break -- i saw it as a life lesson for them to practice through out their lives.
D.

I'm not all that experienced except that I have exactly the same problem, lol. I have my 2-almost 3 yr old, and my lil one who is almost one. Ever since my daughter turned 2 she has been a handful, and I seem to yell more than I would like to, cause it seems if I just talk to her she doesn't listen. Everyone keeps tellin mr it's just a phase she'll grow out of it. I think she will, so I try to just have faith and give it time. it's a pain in the butt, but I've seen other kids this age do the same (Used to work in daycare). It seems that once they hit 3, 3 1/2 they calm down. I think it may have sumthing to do with testing boundaries. Just try to stick to it the best you can. I try sending her to her room when she tries to scream for a long time. She stops quicker cause she know your not listening. Good Luck, hopefully we make it thru this still sane, LOL.

You've got a lot of advice here already, so just let me add a couple of thoughts/suggestions. You're already doing a lot that is very positive, which is great. But here are a couple of thoughts...

Consider getting the book "1-2-3 Magic" (can't think of the author's name). The method really works as long as you use it consistently and don't give up when it isn't working after just a couple of days. If you decide to use this method be sure that you've read the whole book - it isn't as simple as it seems and you can cause more problems if you use it incorrectly. It'd also be important for your husband to be committed to it, too. If you can't both commit to it, I wouldn't try it at all.

You probably already know this, but if you give in to her after she cries for an hour, you're just teaching her to be persistent. You definitely have to choose your battles, but as much as possible, do not give in to crying in those situations. Tell her what she can do to get your attention in a positive way (eg, "talk to me in your big-girl voice" etc.). I know this will be extremely hard and will try your patience to the bitter end, but better to go through this now, rather than when she's even older.

If this pattern has been going on for a while, it'll take a while to stop. But hang in there - change will come!

I too have a 2 year old and he is a dream! I believe a CALM atmoshere raises a calm child. Your household sounds very hectic. You MUST develop patience. Go to therapy. A child does things slow. You should say to yourself " If today was the last day of my life, would this matter?" Most times the answer is no, so let it slide off your back. I never say no to my child (only in a safety situation). I redirect his behavior. If he does throw something, I tell him not to throw it because..... I give him a reason why the behaviour is not desirable, I do not just dictate an order. Also you should look into her sleep. Children need more sleep than you realize. A well rested child is a happy child. I would NOT hit her. What is that teaching her? That the people that love her the most, hurt her.

Hi S. M. I am actually pregnant with my first child, but when I read your question, I was moved to respond. I am also a certified school psychologist, with a specialty in child psychology. I have treated children for about 10 years now. What I would suggest is to put your child on a behavior support plan. This basically means that you will need to identify with her what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. I know this sounds above a two year old, but it really isn't. You have to be consistent, that is the MOST important aspect, and you need to expect that her behavior will worsen before it gets better. In the beginning choose only one or two behaviors that you want to change, you have to understand every behavior has a function. It may be an escape/avoidance of a situation, or it could be for attention. It could also be communicative in nature. That you will have to tease out yourself, but put her on a response cost type of plan, meaning she will earn stickers for being good, and that will turn into rewards. If she misbehaves, she will not earn a sticker, and she will be unable to obtain a desired activity, or toy. She will tantrum over this if she doesn't earn something, you need to ignore her, let her cry, and then come and explain after she is calm that you are proud of her for calming down, you and she can still earn stickers for that day. Keep track of how long it takes her to self soothe. This will help you understand if you are making progress. Remember though, she will get worse before she get's better. Hope this helps. Stay consistent, and praise her when she listens or does a desired behavior.

Hi S.:

Congratulations on your new baby!
I have been exactly where you are. I am sure your patience level has dwindled with a 10 day old and no too much sleep. There are a few things to keep in mind:
-yelling doesn’t help- children actually become immune to it, and to her she has actually won by pushing your buttons to get a reaction.
-her behavior is really a power play
-and you will never be able to rationalize with a 2 year old.

There is a very good book called ‘1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12’ by Thomas Phalen. Very easy to read and is also available on VHS or CD- check your local library. It just puts everything in a very manageable framework, and everyone is responcible for their actions. My one struggle is getting my husband on board- it only works if everyone is on the same program. I do not have perfect parenting skills, but I do notice that when things get out of control it is because I have loosened up on the 1,2,3 Magic plan. Once we put it back in place, things get better.

Good luck and remember we are all doing the best we can- I am sure things will smooth out.

M.