Need Help in Helping My 7 Year Old Adjust to a New Relationship.

Your son is telling you that he needs you. He may not realize this himself, so he may not be able to articulate it. He is telling you that he is insecure about this new guy and is afraid that the boyfriend will be more important to you.

Think about what you can do to reassure him. Consider what the bedtime routine look like now and how you might be able to tweak it in ways that he likes. What can you do to make it more special to him? if you don't already, maybe you could read a book to him or read a book together. It's not uncommon for kids to want to come into their parent(s)'s room at night - especially if they are feeling insecure about something. While you don't want to start letting him sleep in your bed, try not to be too upset with him about that one. Stay calm and just remind him that you need your space (just like he does). Definitely do not allow him to think that you wanting your bed to be your private space at night have anything to do with the boyfriend (don't know if the boyfriend has spent the night, but when you talk to your son about it, make sure this is just about you having your own space and not about the boyfriend).

I would give in on the not being alone with the boyfriend in a room and not hugging/kissing in front of your son. Not that there's anything wrong with these things, but give your son some time. If you back-off on those things and give him some time to get used to the relationship and get used to the boyfriend and begin to trust you that his (your son's) place in your world is not going to change, he'll get past it.

What your son needs is lots of reassurance from you and time.

Aw, poor kid! I think it's just too much for him. I would keep the relationship separate from your son for now. There's no reason for him to be around your boyfriend, dating and kids just don't mix. If the relationship grows into something more serious and marriage is being considered then try again but ease him into it slowly, and going to premarital/family counseling all three of you would be a GREAT idea.

He loves his dad and his mom. He loved you together of course.

He might really like your boyfriend. Remember, he's only known him for 5 months - not even half a year.

He's telling you, in body language, that he needs you. He's regressing. He needs you at bedtime, when he feels most vulnerable.

Read his cues. He just doesn't have the words. Even teens have a hard time.

He's probably seeing you as really happy with your boyfriend and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. He's wondering where his feelings come into play. He might really like the guy (not 'love') but that doesn't mean he wants him in his family.

Keep it separate for now. They usually recommend closer to a year before getting kids involved seriously.

Good luck :)

Slow down. Get your priorities straight.

Your son is 7. He NEEDS you. He does not have the stable life of mom and dad raising him anymore, it is over. YOU are his stability and HE should be your priority over any love interest.

He just met your new bf. As a child of divorce, it is not easy at any age and children do not ask to be put in this situation, they have no choice when mom and dad divorce. It creates insecurities, self doubt, diminished self worth, etc. It is made worse when a love interest is thrown into your face and you are expected to accept it and love a stranger.

Put yourself in your son's frame of mind. His family is over, mom is his constant and now mom has a new love interest and son is taking a backseat. How would you feel? Can you blame him?

Stop your push for this new love that is unlikely anyway and forcing your son to accept it. Of course your son needs boundaries but he also needs you to reassure him that he is your priority and you will be there for him.

Have your sleepover fun when your son is visiting his dad, grandparents, etc. Don't expose him to it.

can you slow down some?

if the relationship is new, it may have been too soon to even introduce them. you should have a good solid base with your new squeeze before you even think about including him in family things.

your son isn't a baby but he's still awfully young. i think it's a lot to expect him to get to know this new man (and the LOVE is sketchy, in my opinion- since you're still getting to know this fellow, your son's reaction to him is a young child's) AND to have to accept physical intimacy between the two of you when he's only before ever witnessed it with his dad.

the fact that your son is having such extreme reactions is a huge red flag that you're trying to shove this new situation at him far too quickly.

it's not his choice with whom you're alone in a room or who you kiss. nor is it to go to bed when you tell him to. so i'd have some pretty firm reactions and some boundary reinforcement.

but with that goes a lot of understanding that to this young boy you are all that is constant in his world. i'm sure your reasons are good for not being with his father, but that doesn't mean it's not a schism in his psyche that men aren't permanent and mom is his rock. having his rock's attention distracted is terrifying for him. so don't expect miracles.

stop bringing the new squeeze around, and definitely slow down on the huggy kissy sneaking off to be alone. i'm sure it's exciting and you want intimacy, but you've got to put your child first.

it's not clear from this post whether or not you've moved the new man in- i surely hope not.

khairete
S.

Your son has known this guy for 5 months - that's not a long time.
You've known him for a year - which is longer - but it's not really all that long.
Son might be ready to be friends with him but he's not ready for him to become a fixture in your household.
Slow down.
Your son is insecure and needs reassurance that you are not in a hurry for a whole new family because where would that leave him?
Kids have insecurities - and sometimes they seem silly during the light of day - but they seem pretty magnified at night.
How can son be near you and yet not intrude?

If the new man in your life isn't living with you, how often does he stay over night?
Perhaps the over nights should be cut back.
With a marriage - kids feel centered - both parents love them - kids know where they stand.
With dating - it's not so easy.
And not that you do this - but some women really do sort of abandon their kids when pursing a new boyfriend cause having a man in their life seems to be the most important thing to some women and the kids suffer for it.
Let your son know you love him no matter what and no matter who else is in your life.

My son was much younger when I started dating my husband. But one think my husband made sure and did from day one was made sure he put my son and his needs before ANYTHING else. If we where watching TV together if my son wanted between us he was between us. He would get down and play with him and sometimes even ignore me. He had to build a relationship with him even separate from myself. I didn't deal with him coming into my room from his own because at that time he still slept in my bed. But my husband while we were dating never stayed the night at my house. A few times we stayed at his house but slept in different rooms. You might let him sleep in your room every once in a while if that would make him feel more secure!
Since you son is a little older my suggestion would be for you to maybe find a family councilor. One that you can meet with on your own and can see your son on his own as well and the two of you. He may have insecurities that can be worked out with a little help. Things that he does not know how to verbalize at the moment.
Good luck!

As others have said, your son is telling you to slow down. You might feel ready for a new relationship, but he doesn't. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy the relationship, it just means you might have to slow down. I'm not sure if your boyfriend is present when your son is refusing to go to bed alone or wanting to sleep in your bed? If so, can you keep overnights for when your son is visiting dad or grandparents?

Did you ever allow your son to sleep in your bed? I'm not judging, I'm just wondering if this is a new behavior because you now want him in his own bed, or something else.

If he is always having these bedtime issues, whether or not your boyfriend is present, what does he say about it during the daytime? If he can't tell you any reasons, can you think about what it might be? Is he worried about you? Is this really a good relationship for you? Or is it hard for him to share you with anyone? If you have an idea or he can tell you what his worry is, then you can try to reassure him that he is still the most important person in your life, and having a new boyfriend won't change that.

In the moment during the night, just walk him back to his room and offer to sit with him for a few minutes while he falls asleep. Be kind but don't engage too much. If he was once able to sleep independently, he should be able to again soon once he's feeling more secure again.

You said your son LOVES your boyfriend, so that's a good start if you feel this is a good relationship and someone you would like to be with long term. Encourage them to just have fun together and make sure your boyfriend is not trying to discipline him. That should remain your job. I think you can still kiss and hug a bit, just acknowledge that you understand your son doesn't like it yet and try to have a sense of humor about it. You are an adult and should be able to show affection with your boyfriend, just understand it is hard for your son and let him know you understand his feelings, but you have feelings too.

Heidi M is giving you great advice. Talk to your boyfriend- read her advice to him. At 7 years old, I believe he’s too old to be sleeping with you, but if he wants to sleep on the floor outside your room, let him. Just talk to him in the middle of the night and ask him what’s wrong and if he needs some water or to go potty. Listen to what he says. You can sit on the floor beside him and talk. Then he might be willing to let you walk him back to his bed and sit there for a minute patting him. That might help. Don’t fuss at him. He’s trying to work something out in his mind and it’s bothering him in the middle of the night. I hope your boyfriend can put his mind to befriending your son. You two are a package deal.

I agree with what TF Plano/Allen said. Why can't you have sleepovers with the boyfriend when the kiddo is visiting dad or grandparents? I wouldn't expose him to that just yet, it's way too soon. You can slowly expose him to the new guy by doing activities together, like a hike, a ferry ride, etc., but you don't need to be snuggling and making out on the couch or having him in your bedroom, he just met the guy 4 months ago! It should be a while before you start doing those things around your kid, once he feels this man is going to stick around and accepts him as a member of the family. He is just starting to get to know him and slowly trust him.

I agree with others that you should slow down the pace at which your son is perceiving this relationship. Leave the intimacy for when the kiddo isn't around, so he doesn't feel he is being kicked to the curb for the new guy, who has your complete attention. I like the way Heidi's husband mingled with the kiddo, but I realize not all men are that open to being around someone else's kid and getting down to their level and being so welcoming, sadly. I don't know how the new guy feels about your kiddo, but maybe he is perceiving some sort of dislike or jealousy from the man, hence his need to in his way, be reassured that you love him and find him to be your life's focus, despite this man's presence in your life.

It doesn’t sound like your son had enough time to get used to the idea. Maybe he thinks his dad is being replaced? Have you spoken with your son?

And honestly since March it’s not a lot of time.

My gf has been through a divorce and she did not introduce her kids to any man untill the one came a long and she was sure he is the one....and it took her almost 3 years of dating him, going out, slowly introducing and even vacations together but separate hotel rooms ( he with his kids she with hers and they all meet up and do things together .. basically test the waters how kids get along.

Divorce is more devastating for children. Talk to your son, see what his feeling are, comfort him and make him feel secure. And then slowly introduce.. and definitely don’t just move in a guy. If he is not comfortable with you guys touching.. don’t do it. I am sure at worse case scenario you can get a friend to take him for a sleep over or get a sitter. Your son is not ready! ( keep your private life just that-private)
Lots of luck!

I am sorry to hear that M.. What you could do is have two beds separate in a room.
Good Luck