Need Help with a Soon to Be 2 Year Old

I think it is very normal for a child at that age to be pushing limits. The question I have to ask you is, are you setting the limits. It sounds like you have been pretty easy going with him about this behavior. If you want it to stop set the limit and decide on the method of discipline you are going to use and use it every time. May I suggest Dr. James Dobson's "Dare to Discipline". I have found it so helpful.

This is a late response....

I read several of these prior respones...

In my eyes..NO IT IS NOT NORMAL....
But, in some families it is normal terrible twos.

Child rearing is different from family to family.

I was raised in a strict family that did not have terrible twos. The elders are always in control and testing the control figure is learned early to be futile. The more effort you put in to being consistent with what is acceptable & not acceptable and correcting & praising the behaviors, the better the outcome will be.

We were raised so that there is always a consequence for our actions. So, my advice to parents will always reflect how I raised my child.

In some families that is considered to be a control freak....Punishment is cruel. Really, People think time outs can be mean....it's viewed as being cold and unloving to put your child in a corner or deprive them of anything. They are afraid of that phrase that every child will yell out..."I hate you". As a parent you are expected to tolerate the terrible twos as being a part of childhood and wait for them to reach their preteens to graduate to mature behavior.

In the mean time...they will hate daycare, school, the strict family members or anywhere there are rules. And you are left with misery when your child is unruly, and an absolute horror in public.

I don't want my child to scream the the first day of kindergarten. I don't want to be called at work because my child does not behave for the authority figure they are with. I don't want people to dread my child coming over for the holidays or dread the phone call asking them to babysit.

I loved when anyone who met my child praised how well behaved and wonderful she was. I preferred my child to be raised in a world where your actions have consequence...They will be more likely to adapt to any environment, respect rules and adapt to different social groups. They will face discipline in school, scouts, team sports and anything they are involved in outside of the home (and eventually the real world as an adult), so why don't you teach them it before it's a huge shock that the world has rules?

I ran a day care out of my home when my daughter was a toddler. I encountered so many different types of children being raised in so many different ways. So, I had to teach each child the rules of the home and the consequences for breaking the rules in order to make it safe and smooth running for everyone.

Discipline is not cruel....but you need to understand it before you can teach it to a child.

If I had a child in my care who would hit, they were immediately removed from the situation (or if it was striking toward me, I manually restrained them while I scolded the behavior) and they were immediately given a punishment. Usually time out. It lets them know they are not in control and they are disrespecting the rules set by the one in control. They are talked to when the time out is done. They are reminded why they were in time out and given a consequence for the next offense (a longer time out, deprived of an activity or access to favorite play toy). No matter how inconvenient it is for you, you never go back on what you promise as a consequence, so never threaten with something you can't do).

At an age where their verbal communication is limited, it does not mean they do not understand. Children can be taught sign language long before they verbally speak. Make sure you keep words short and be consistant with the terms used when scolding. They will understand "NO" and "DON'T HIT"...especially when spoken loud and sharp. Sharp short words...not whining to them..."NOoooOOooo, You don't hit, you know that hurts...blah blah blah...." They long trailed off and have stopped absorbing what you are saying. And never coddle the crocodile tears when they are in response to discipline....EVER!

So...
You choose what to do. You are in control.
There are many ways to interperet the phrase...
"Spare the rod, spoil the child"

Is it telling you the way to raise a child?
Telling you to spare the rod and spoil them?
Or
Is it warning you of the outcome..
If you spare the rod, you will spoil them.

You generally raise your children how you were raised, and then, you know how to deal with the outcome also. If your spouse and yourself were raised very different, it will take communication between the two of you to discuss your parenting beliefs and how your child will be raised. If your spouse wants your child raised in his means, but you are the primary care giver....there needs to be a lot of communication between the two of you so that you can understand his expectations from you a the parent of his child....Or, he has to realize, you are the primary caregiver and he needs to trust your methods.

How is it you know how to be a parent?
How were you raised?
How was your spouse raised?
Who is the primary caregiver and disciplinarian?

Perhaps you both have to sit down and create a household family rule book and discipline manual. It sounds silly...but it works. People use the rule book to discipline instead of being the bad guy. You are not a bad parent for disciplining your childs negative behavior. If you have "Written Rules" they can understand they are in control of their consequences by following the rules. You will not be the bad guy...those darn rules are what they dislike, but they will learn to live by them.

Remember to always praise the good behavior.
Give thanks and praise daily.
Point out good behavior in everyone, they learn from it.

Good luck to you

Hi, R.!

A child that young is working with a very, very limited set of tools for self-expression. I don't know what else is going on in his life, but generally when a child screams and slaps, these are tools that he's using to communicate a need he's having. What he needs is better tools! ;-) It's very possible that he was using more subtle tools before the screaming and slapping started that were missed by you. Think of his screaming and slapping as him saying, "My God! Why aren't you listening to me?!!?"

I think it's important to be aware that his "tools" have actually been working, and he may have come to resort to them first now rather than last because they work so efficiently. He's getting your attention, right? So, you don't want to reinforce his use of screaming and slapping. But, be careful not to use those tools, too! You don't want to model screaming and slapping as effective methods of communication! Instead, look for the root causes.

First, try to see things from his perspective. What does his world look like to him? (Even get down to his eye level and see what he's seeing; he will feel so honored!!) Are you taking him out too much? Is he hungry? Is he tired? Is he over-stimulated?

My guess is that if you pay much closer attention to him, you might see his more subtle signs that something's not right. The sooner you respond and head off an attack, the more quickly he'll be able to get better tools in his communication tool kit.

I would grab a copy of "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish (I think). It's an inexpensive enough book that I would recommend you buying it so you can refer to it often. While I don't agree with everything in the book, understanding some of the principles in the book will help you and him gain better tools for communication. It is *sooooo* worth it!!

Another great resource is Marshall Rosenberg's book, "Nonviolent Communication." While his ideas for communication can seem a little stiff and phony at first, once you're able to incorporate his principles into your real-life way of speaking, you will be able to model really effective communications skills that a child will be able to use for his whole life!

I hope this has been helpful!

My son is 15 months old and he bites me, not his father and now he has started pinching - and it hurts. I cut his nails and it still hurts. I figured out that when he bites hes either hungry or tired. The pinching I havent figured out. Everytime he does either he laughs and trys to do it again. I tell him no and he looks at me like who are you to tell me no, and goes to do it again. The doctor said the same just gotta figure out what he is telling me. One thing i do know that i better figure it out soon.

ummm my son is 19 months old and does the same thing... I tried "no we have to be nice"... but he hits then says... "nice"... guess my plan backfired

WELCOME to the "Terrible Two's". This is completely normal at this age. That's exactly when my son started acting out. It's not a fun stage. But stay consistent with discipline, he's def testing the limits. My friend's son went thru a crazy stage with hitting, biting, banging his head, screaming and all of that at the exact same age. He has since calmed down completely since turning three. Hang in there, it will get better!!

Why don't your other children live with you?

I have 2 words for you. Time Outs

tell him if you hit mommy you get a time out then the next time put him in his crib- remove toys, remove yourself from the room for 1-2 min, go back in, soothe him tell him if you hit mommy you get a time out. once he gets the hang of it he will stop. we make our little one say sorry as well

No, this is not normal. Try to get a hold of this now and under control. It will only get worse as time goes by. My guess is that time-outs don't work with him. He isn't seeing you as an authority figure and is not respecting your space/body. My suggestion is to take away every toy, except for one bin, and put the excess down cellar. He can earn back toys for good behavior every day. He can also get toys taken away. He will begin to respect his things, you, and get a hold of his behavior.

I unfortunately don't have any advice , but I do have the same exact problems withmy son who will be two on Februrary 24th. It's frustrating and he hits hard sometimes. I don't know what to do either. If you get some good advice please let me know:) I try to chalk it up to the terrrible twos that have come early. It might not be true but it makes me feel better.

he is really testing you and wants to be disciplined. i have 4 children under 9 and have and still going through plenty of these types of behaviors. find a place for him to sit alone in your view or not and make him sit there for a few minutes until he is calm. turn the timer on (microwave is easy - since most of our time is spent near or in the kitchen). the time doesn't begin until he is still and quiet. it won't be easy but the trick is to be consistent. everytime is the same. you could also read some stories together about characters who act out. good luck.

Other then telling him "no" what are you doing for disipline. Cuz just telling him no isn't working. We make our son sit on a "naughty stair". And he has to sit there one minute for every year of age. When you started doing this he won't stay. Just keep putting him back on the step or chair or whatever you use until he stays. If you keep putting him back eventually he'll just stop getting up. It took me once 45 mins to get my son to stay put. Now he only need to tell him to sit there and he stays. Just be consistent. This is normal behavior for this age, but he needs to learn now that it's not o.k. and the longer you wait the harder it will be.