Need Help with Mother/Daughter Relationship

I want to recommend a book....5 Love Languages of Children It could help you learn more about you daughter, and help you connect with and understand her better.

Greetings L.,

The relationship my mother and I have had has been strained for a long time. I now have a daughter that is 5. I try to do things differently than my mother. I tell my daughter that I am proud of her (my mother said this to me for the 1st time when I was 25!). I give lots of hugs. I tell her "good job" when she tries to do something herself. This is something I make a point to do a lot. Also, I try to build her self-esteem too by telling how pretty she is. These little things put smiles on her and my face...Be strong and keep trying. You are stronger than you think!

I think that mother/daughter alone time works well. It allows you to focus on her and listen to what she has to say while doing a fun activity. I have a 5 year old and when Daddy and brother go off to play ice hockey we at least once a week stay home and have a girls night. Find something you enjoy to do together or better yet introduce her to something you enjoy. That way she learns something about you. My daughter is going through trying to get her way and control what she wants and she says some pretty awful things that we are working through. I think the one on one relationship building helps. I'm real careful how I respond to her when she is upset or throwing a fit so that I am disciplining, but not loosing my temper and I watch what I say to her. Keep working on it. If she is not already involved in an activity (like sports or dance), find something she like and sign her up. You be the one to take her so again you are learning what she likes and enjoying an activity with her.

L.,
For starters I want to say that because you are worrying about this, are concerned, and are seeking help.....this makes you a good mom. I know there have been times I have felt like you over the years but talking about it and trying new things did make a difference.

I have suggested this before when Mamma's ask for help...Go to the library or buy the books by Jim Fay and Foster Cline called "Love and Logic." Follow their advice. It works! I don't know what the dynamics are between you and your daughter, but I do know one thing that is a killer of relationships is anger. If this sounds at all familiar my advice is to Get the anger out of your house. You can't control your daughter, but you can control yourself. I find when I am angry, EVERYBODY in the house feeds off that. My husband, the kids......and maybe even the dog cowers. Anger is palpable, so get rid of it. Get the "Love and Logic" books. They will help you.

I'm going to save you some money:

www.nogreaterjoy.org

yes, the majority is about child training - but a fair amount is about just establishing a working relationship with your child.

S.

Although I agree that you should seek some help through books, or even a counselor, I want to add something else. Spending quality time with her is the BEST medicine. Just listen to her, ask her what she likes to do. You said she "feels dumb", then ask what about. Is she that different from her friends? Do they think her interests are "dumb"? And what makes her feel that she doesn't belong there? But do things together that she likes and you can teach her, like baking cookies together...maybe you could make some sugar ones that she frosts afterward. Take a photo of them and make a very simple scrapbook of your "experiments". :) This will provide lots of mommy-daughter time and memories and laughs, too. :D

There was time lost, and while you can't gain that time back, you can make up for it, in a way, by creating it now. You can make time for each other. One thing my friend and I did was have a mommy-daughter sleep over. Her husband and son went camping. My husband and son had a boys night out and stayed at our house. And all of the girls stayed at her house, dressing up, being silly, talking, and just being girls. Our daughters LOVED it, and we haven't forgotten it. Maybe you could have a friend over whose daughter and yours are friends; or just have an afternoon out together.

There is no substitute for time with your child. So, don't worry about the past so much as creating a beautiful future. Have fun, and just enjoy motherhood and your relationship now! :) Best wishes to you!

Please, please, PLEASE read "To Train Up a Child" by Michael Pearl. It is a short, easy-to-read book. You can also visit his website for articles at nogreaterjoy.org. There really is no greater joy! He will teach you to get self-control so that you can calmly teach your child self-control but in the process "tie heart strings." Super important to tie your heart to hers with lots and lots of strings! He teaches that without heart strings it is possible to love your child but not like them.
Oh and another awesome book is "The Five Love Languages for Children." It does a great job of explaining how to tie heart strings- children have ways they NEED love- touch (the biggest one, hugs, kisses, massages, etc), words of affirmation, gifts, time, and service are the other ones.
May Christ's love bring you through every trial! -Beka =)

Hi L.!

I want you to know that I am encouraged by your post because it shows how much you love and care for your daughter. That is an important foundation on which you can build your relationship with her. I know you may not feel like it, but you are off to a great start because of your love for her and your desire to have a good relationship with her.

You have gotten lots of good advice and suggestions on spending quality time with your daughter, ideas of things to do with her and making an effort to affirm her character and her efforts at things. Those are all wonderful pieces of advice.

What I will share, I will share from a Christian perspective because I believe that God is concerned with the heart more than behavior. I also had post-partum depression after my daughter was born. There were several lessons God wanted to teach me through it, but here's one that may be helpful to you. God says in the Bible, Psalm 139, that he knits us together in our mother's womb and that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. I was terrified of the awesome responsibility of motherhood and afraid of failing. Anytime I didn't understand my daughter I would get overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. God taught me in those first few months (and I believe this is going to be an ongoing lesson throughout my daughter's life) that although parenting is an awesome responsibility, if I am anxious and worried then I am trying to do it in my own strength rather than rely on help from him. He also reminded me that although I didn't understand my daughter (what she needed, what to do for her), He understood her. Because He knit her together in my womb, He knows every intimate detail about her...more than I will ever know, and the encouraging part is that if I ask Him to teach me about her-He will.

It is really helpful to have an older woman who has already walked the road before you to talk with and ask questions to. Choose someone who you admire how they've parented and how their children have turned out. I know you mentioned not having anyone to talk to. My daughter is only 6 months old, so I am just beginning the journey of learning about her and building our relationship together. I do not pretend to have all the answers for you, but I am serious in this offer. I know several, amazing women who have walked this road before you. I would be happy to connect you with someone with whom you could talk with about this and ask questions to. I do not know where you are in the metroplex. I am in Denton. I would even love to use my resources to help you find a woman in your area if you are no where near me. Please let me know if that is something that you are interested in.

I am going to suggest two more resources. One is a book called "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Trippe. The other is a ministry called Family Life. Their website is: http://www.familylife.com
They are committed to healthy and strong marriages and families. Their website has TONS of very helpful resources.

My prayers are with you!

L. :)

You are so blessed to have a daughter. I thought I was having a girl (which I desperately wanted) and after the delivery learned it was really a boy!

Needless to say, I had a serious "disconnect" like you described. On top of that, he was colicky and preferred Dad! It took me a long time to accept God's gift and plan. We didn't "connect" or bond until he was 4!!! Even now, at age 7, it's something I still have to put a little effort into.

Sounds like she needs 3 things...

1) Some serious one-on-one time with you. Uninterupted, solely devoted, Mommy/Daughter time. Not just once in a while, but a steady schedule (maybe once or twice a week) where you do something fun together. Pedicures, walks in the park (or the mall), ice skating at the rink in Plano or Frisco, any activity that will get you guys TALKING and making a connection. Movies are okay, but since you can't communicate during them, save that for later when you see improvement.

2) A hobby. Maybe something you both enjoy. A craft, painting, music, tennis, racquetball, girl scouts, cooking, whatever. She's trying to "belong" and feel a part of something. She wants to feel important and like she makes a difference - not just at home, but in her world. Try out a few different activities, see if she develops an interest in any of them, then focus on one or two where she can develop a skill, a talent that will confirm her uniqueness and give her self confidence.

3)She needs to know (remind her repeatedly) that the Lord created a special plan for her before she was even born. She is a wonderfully made gift from God. He made her special with a unique blend of gifts, talents and abilities. Figuring out what those gifts are is part of growing up and it's part of Mommmy's job to help her discover them.

Count your blessings every day and remind her that she is one of them.

the worst thing my mother ever did was not spend one-on-one time with me. she was always busy pursuing her career and at six years old i even wrote a little essay for school saying that when i grew up i wanted to be a singer like my mom but i would spend more time with my children. ouch! our relationship was strained in the beginning because i was kidnapped at 5 months old and missing for nearly a year. i STILL have problems with my mother and i haven't even let her meet my 2 month old daughter. if you truly love her, you just need to spend time with her and show her you care so that she feels loved and like she belongs.

Wow...you got some great advice L.. it's because I think at one point or another we've all felt rejected by our children. Even the best mother with the best intentions has isolated herself or been isolated with no rhyme or reason. My daughter is twelve now and her and I are extremely close. It wasn't always that way though. From the time she was about 6 until she was 10 it felt like we were as different as night and day. I parented her, loved her, spent quality time with her but I really wondered what I was doing wrong. I have two sons that are older than her and we always were close. I thought "she's the girl...aren't we supposed to have this inseparatable bond?" I guess I said all of that to say...follow the great advise you've gotten about the books to read, but then understand that it might just take more time with you two just like it did for me and my daughter. When she is old enough to understand one day, and y'all are just quiet in her room, tell her that you want her to know that you wanted a little girl before she was born, and that she is exactly what you wanted and no one else could've been but her. My daughter remembers me saying that to her and it changed our relationship forever.

You are a loving and sensitive mother to want to bridge this gap with your daughter, and you really have picked a good age with her. First, find out from her teacher if she is being picked on for anything at school, a slight speech disorder or not reading the same books as everyone else can cause kids to tease others. If you and the teacher can find out why she thinks she is "dumb" it will help you both bolster her self esteem. Also, you say this goes back to when she was a baby, have you had her evaluated for any emotional connection disorders (Autism is such a broad diagnosis, but their are offshots of that disorder that can prohibit bonding.) Let me emphasize here that getting a doctors opinion doesn't indicate there is anything wrong or that you have done anything wrong. Just ruling out some medical issues that can be easily addressed.
Some very good parenting reference books have already been recommended by other moms. At 6 years old, she is entering the phase when most children really want to please their parents and teachers. Age 7 is my FAVORITE age. If you slowly start to learn what she needs to feel loved and accepted by you, she will return the favor. Good Luck!

I have a suggestion that I saw on TV, but I also have a friend who has two boys that her husband does this everyday. Write her a note everyday telling her how special she is. You can do this by telling her how much you appreciate what she did the day before or by just telling her that she looked beautiful the night before, maybe something that you know she did at school... anything positive that was done the day before. This will help her self-confidence and also teach you to appreciate the little things that you see her do. It is something that you would do for both of the kids. You can write easy things for the 4 year old and teach him to read or maybe it would be something that your 6 year old would like to read to him or maybe help you write occasionally, could help their relationship also. Anyway good luck, and give them babies lots of hugs and kisses because they grow up way too fast!!

I would go for some play therapy for your daughter to find the underlying reasons for her comments. Then the councelor could talk to you and your daughter together and maybe break down some of the "walls" you are both feeling. My 14 yr old daughter has had a councelor since she was 4 yrs old. We don't go on a regular basis, but she has been a wonderful help over the years.

Hi L.,

I found that spending some quality one on one time with my daughter once a week really helped. We've gone to the book store, the bakery, the mall, anywhere that we can talk and she can be open with me. Also, I give her TONS of encouragement. I let her know how smart, intelligent, and wonderful she is everyday. I read one of the comments that said to write her notes. She may be a little young for this, but leaving her little stickers, pencils, or small gifts occasionally would be a nice thing to do too. If all else fails, please go see a counselor. Your relationship with your daughter is too important. Best wishes.

The best that I can tell you as a person who had post partum with my second son and didn't know it until he was 4 is that your first move should be that you find out why SHE feels that way before you start blaming yourself. You already have feeling of inadaquecy and you don't need to add additional feels that may not be true. You need to find a way to redevelop a relationship with her. One of the exercises that helped me during my post partum that I found always helps me during my low time, (we all will have low times) is that I look in the mirror and find all the things that I like about myself. I don't see where that would be a bad thing for your daughter as well. Remember she takes all her ques from you and if she has only seen you feel bad about yourself, she will fill bad about herself. I was 35 years old when I found out that my mom also had chronic depession and that some of my ques came from geneics. This may be the case here and now that you are coming out of being depressed, it's straining your relationship with your daughter because this is the only ques that she has seen. YOu need to tell your husband about your feeling, because it seems that he is you only support. He may need to take some time off and be with the two of you because he can't afford to have both of his best girls believing that they are doing something wrong in this world. Good luck and god bless the both of you.

All the responses below are terrific and I hope you find the resolution to your problem for both your sakes. I have one more bit of advice to add. Studies have shown that it makes a huge impact on a child's self-esteem when they hear you praise them to OTHER people. I have read that it even makes more of an impact than saying it directly to them. I think the best of all worlds is to do both on a regular basis. The kicker in all this is that it MUST be sincere praise because children pick up very quickly on any words or actions that are not. Please do not base your praise of her on how pretty she is but rather solid qualities and values that truly matter! As the mother of three daughters I can almost promise you that you will have many challenges ahead; however, with lots of love and the help of the Lord you will be up to them. God Bless!

I back what Kim S said. Read the love languages. It may be that you aren't speaking to her in her "love language" so she doesn't understand you. I'm doing a parenting course "Growing Kids God's Way" at my church and it is POWERFUL and they talk about the love languages in there as well. It may not be too late to get into the class if you want. We are in Frisco. www.celebrationcovenant.com

Did you tell her that it broke your heart?
Maybe she said that because she needs re-assurance from you.
Give here a big hug and tell her that you love her and you think she is GREAT! We all need to hear that once in a while. **some of us need to hear it AT LEAST once a day ;-) **

D.
SAHM of three: 19, 18, and 5
Home Baker and Crafter. Married to the same wonderful man for almost 12 years.

At this point, it is probably a situation calling for professional help. Counseling for both of you together and individually. My daughter is 25 and we have worked hard for our relationship. She was adopted which brought multiple difficulties as she became a teen. I was rather blindsided because our early years were wonderful and easy. But with professional help, it can all be worked out. The earlier you get help, the sooner you can work it out and start enjoying each other! Good luck to you.

Have "date" nights with your daughter. Take your bikes to the park and ride on pretty days. Put puzzles together. let her pick out a movie with your approval to watch later. Do not give into her by feeling sorry for her or making up for bad times.

You are getting great advice. The best thing is just spend quality time with her. I like the suggestion of having mommy daughter luncheon. Also, maybe on the weekend or something, have your husband take your son, and you and her have mommy/daughter night while your son and daddy have their time together. Do her hair, take her shopping or to a movie she wants to see, just spend time one on one with her. Have fun with her, use your imagination, play dolls with her, whatever she's into, get into as well. I don't know what a 6 year old knows about being dumb, but if she's having problem in school talk to her about it. I'm sure if there is a certain subject she's not getting, help her with it, because when she's ready for algebra, that's going to be hard to help out with, I know. Keep telling her how special she is, and what a blessing she has been to your life. Let her know how valuable she is to you.
I have a 13 year old daughter and it's hard during these teenage years. Everyone tells me just wait, you'll be best friends when she grows up. I sure hope so, I hate fighting with her. It's always a great feeling when we have a good time together, and she's loving being around me.
I heard once, when kids are little they have little problems, as they grow, so does the problems... so very true.
God Bless your daughter and your relationship!

Read teh mother daughter project. See if you can find a group.... A mother daughter group. Don't beat yourselve up either... You obviously are very connected to her if you can feel her pain. Stay close and get some help. Church, counsceling, support with friends....

I have no direct experience with post-partem depression, but I do have experience with depression and I would assume some security and trust issues are really challenged for any child when their mother is so depressed that she cannot fully be there for the baby/child when the child needs her, or even if the time spend has a cloudy obligatory overtone due to your depression. Depression makes you preoccupied with yourself and how you feel rather than others. So the distance you feel between you two could even stem back from being a baby and not being sure or comfortable or able to depend on the person caring for her. I'm not saying you didn't care for her well, just that the depression probably tainted the experience and that part of your bonding and her self-esteem and security may need to be healed and fortified.

Another thing is be conscious of how you address your daughter and her actions - are you being critical? Also, you said you don't get her - try to not point this out to her or say it aloud or even that you two are different. Mother and Daughter are supposed to be close partners - a little girl wants to be a part of her mother and fully accepted by her mother. My mother always pointed out how different I was from her and how my choices and experiences were different from hers and our relationship has suffered for it.

I don't know where you live but in Rockwall at Lake pointe church off of I-30 a "Mom's Conference" has been planned around the book, "5 Coversations You Must Have With Your Daughter" by Vicki Courtney. It is a Saturday conference on Nov. 15th and registration is going on right now. I have an 8 year old daughter and although our relationship is good, I am still plannning on checking it out. I grew up not having a great realtionship with my Mother and would like to keep it going on a positive track. I want to be equipped to handle all challenges and foster a fabulous relationship with my daughter.

Best of Luck!

https://rockwall.lakepointe.org/Registrations/MomsConfere...

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Just keep loving her and giving her praise on everything she does right or everything that she attemps to do on her own. She needs you & know matter how she may act or the things she may say your are her Mother and she needs to feel and know that you are always on HER side! she is a little child from God whos only six years old she always needs to know that Mom and Dad love her no matter what. My husband was in the navy & gone six months out of the year when I was rasing our daughters, so I know how hard it can be at times. I would read with them color with them bake together what ever I thought would be fun for us to do together, going outside and watching her do something that she enjoys always makes them happy & proud and will give her self confidence. You are her Mom you know her best so you do what you feel is right in your heart for her, but always love and support her it will carry her through alot in life knowing that you and Dad will be there no matter what happens. May God guide you and bless you and your family.

Ask God to give you patient. sit down and talk to your daughter and tell her how much you love her and that you will always be there for her. She might feel that her little brother is getting all of the attention and love. Try doing things with her, when you are doing your house duties, ask her to come and help you, let her know that you want her to learn all that she can, so when she grow up she will no how to manage, let her no that she is smart and she can do good things in life. I will be praying for you.
S. K.

I would look into Love & Logic. I am attending some free classes and I love everything about this way helping a child become a loving and responsible child, youth and adult. For those of us (like me a mother of 9 month old twins) that don't have time to read or need to be reminded they have books, books on CD and DVDs. Check them out at www.loveandlogic.com.

I hope this helps you.

Something that I always do is to have a mom/daughter day. I have 2 daughters so I do one daughter at a time. When I know things are slow at school, I take one of my daughters out of school and take her out to lunch at a fancy restaurant or to have our nails done, just me and her. It makes them feel SUPER special! It allows them to talk about their feelings and it keeps us connected.

Hi, L.. I'm currently taking a free Love and Logic course, and it has really been a huge help with my 4 year old. She is a very strong willed child, and I used to just get so frustrated that she wouldn't listen and would be defiant among other issues. I actually have my last class tonight, so I've been using some of the methodologies I've learned over the past 4 weeks in the Love & Logic course, and it has really been transformational in our household. My frustration level is down, and she has really been a much better behaved child. The Love & Logic course is based on the concept of delivering consequences in a logical manner in an empathetic, loving and respectful way. It really does foster respectful relationships. They offer free classes a few times throughout the year through various organizations. They also send out periodic e-mails throughout the month with helpful tips, etc. I would be happy to forward them along. If you're interested, just send me a message, and I will forward as I get them.

Also, something I've learned with my very insightful 4 year old is that children model behaviors they see and not what they are told. So I try super hard to always be positive about myself, so that she feels positive about herself. No matter how much we shower them with praise if we don't model that same self love they won't either.

Good luck... this mothering job is a tough one.

L.,

I work at J. Pat Burleson's - Legends Martial Arts. I also have two daughters one 3 and one 9. My nine year old sounds similar to what you described. We help children with their self esteem and confidence through American Karate. We will give you a free month to bring her in and let her participate in learning and being a part of a great group of kids and parents. We have people come in all the time expressing what you you did in your post. It is something that you can show her you fully support and something that she is praised and rewarded for her own accomplishments. You can call me at ###-###-#### and we can discuss this further if you would like. God bless!