Need Help with My Personal Life. Woman on the Side and Ex Fiance

You still feel horrible because the issue was never really the STI. The issue is your perception of yourself.

In your post, people told you that this is just one of many mistakes that you'll make throughout your life. You're human. You need to learn to accept yourself .

As we stated before, you really need some short-term professional counseling. It's good that you're going to visit your friend, but this problem isn't going to be resolved in one weekend.

Once again I'm going to say that you need to make an appointment with a therapist to work through your issues. They will continue to stand in your way until you deal with them and figure out the solution.

As far as sharing your sexual history with a new guy? You had a std that was treated successfully. There's no reason anyone else needs this information. Certainly if you had something that was still transmittable you show share that info but something like this is NOBODY'S business but yours. The mistakes we make turn us into the people we are going to be.

B., please consider getting some counseling to help you figure out why you are so hard on yourself.

People have had STIs from the beginning of time. In your situation, trichomoniasis is curable. This means, practice safe sex in the future until you are in a long-term committed relationship. Having *had* trich is not something you need to immediately share with any potential partners if you have already received a follow-up confirmation from the doctor that you are not still carrying the disease. At that point, it's no more relevant to future partners than would be any previously-resolved medical issue.

I'm concerned with your perception of yourself. Why would you want to try casual sex because it was 'dirty and bad'? To me, that suggests you aren't valuing yourself as you should. The fact that you are so fixated on 'who would want me?' suggests you are unaware of the good parts of yourself.

Your friend can be a good listening ear and shoulder to cry on, but I think this sort of negative self-perception needs to be addressed therapeutically. A friend can't be expected to do that sort of deeper work... it requires more than just trying to help you feel better. Therapy is about guiding people through observing and addressing their thought processes and the underlying beliefs regarding their self-perception. Friends can be supportive during therapy, but they shouldn't be expected to take this on.

That doesn't mean that you aren't a good friend, or aren't worth listening to, just that what you need is someone to help you. One of the kindest things a friend told me, during a time of crisis, was "you need to talk to someone who can help you". I'll tell you the same. For the sake of your own peace of mind, get help. No one can love you fully if you aren't loving and valuing yourself. You need to move from "who would want me?" to "I'm worthy of being wanted just for who I am." Trich doesn't need to be a social death sentence. Stop worrying about your ex-fiance. He's an EX. He doesn't need to know anything. Work on YOU right now.

Trich is curable...I think you get healthy, understand that you have learned a lesson from this, and move on! Stop thinking about it and dwelling in it so much! Once you are cured you don't need to tell any future boyfriend or anyone about it. Just let it go. BUT please never forget the lesson you have learned...use protection and don't sleep with random men with a girlfriend. Next, you need a passion and hobbies in life. Stop thinking so much about boyfriends and sex and yourself. Find a passion. Get really into it and work hard at it. I find that people who dwell on themselves and think nonstop about themselves are not happy people. Whereas people who get outside of their own head and are working on something they believe makes the world a better place are happier. What brings you joy? What do you love doing? What dreams do you have? Take some night classes, work on a degree, work on getting certified, volunteer, apply to jobs, take steps in the direction of something you care about in this world. PS - Joining a gym is a great first step. Exercising hard floods us with endorphins. PPS - Remember this weekend to ask your friend about herself and listen to her too. Some people get so focused on their problems they forget to do this.

B.,
It is really not such a big deal that you got trich. Would you tell your new boyfriend you got a cold last month? You probably don't. It would be strange to talk about a cold you contracted.

See it as the same with trich. You had it and its gone by now. All is good.

You are not a bad or dirty person. If you forgot to put the seat belt on and get a ticket for, you pay it and you know next time you be consistent in buckling up every time you drive a car. But you are therefore not a criminal because you forgot the seat belt once.

Please love yourself again. You are a sweet and loveable person that deserves the best in life. Put a smile back on and get out to make friends. You never know what other people's challenge is. Trich is not the worst in life to deal with. With your experience at least now can relate to other friends worries and may help them to get over their black moments.

However, don't feel overwhelmed with your past experience. It is not worth it to not move on to something happy.

Glad you are thinking to join a gym. Best wishes!

Please don't unload all this on to your friend. This is the kind of stuff you tell a therapist - not dump on someone you like.

Sounds like you could use some counselling.

You don't need to tell anyone (your friend, future boyfriends, etc.) about what you did. Forgive yourself and move on. Everyone makes mistakes. You're obsessing over it and you sound anxious.

If you're consumed with guilt and bad feelings, then decide you won't do this again, you'll take precautions in the future, and chalk this up to experience that has now given you some wisdom. I know lots of people who regret some of the things they did in their early 20's. I think that's the age you said you were.

I honestly think talking to a professional would benefit you more than writing on a mom board. No offence, but you're in a different place in your life and need guidance it sounds like. Remember your emotions are pretty raw after having been cheated on. Been there. I took a year off and was good to myself. I realized I deserved more. That starts with you believing that. So give yourself a break, be kind to yourself, go visit your friend (and don't talk all about this - instead go have fun), and get out there and make some buds. Get a social life and gym is great. It will come together. Good luck :)

B.,

You got so much good advice on your last post. Please go back and read those responses again, and make a list of what steps you're going to take and in what order.

You are thinking about this - a big obsessively - and trying to solve your own issues. You've gone from being "untouchable" because of trich (in your last post) to now being someone who perhaps enjoyed or at least yearned to be "dirty and bad." You talked the last time about some other man who might want to take you on dates but also constantly calling the one-night stand guy, to this current post about wondering about your ex-fiance coming back into your life and wanting you again.

You've unburdened yourself on Mamapedia because you say you have no friends (and that's okay - that's what we're here for, at least in the short run), but now you are planning to spend the weekend with a friend from farther away so you can "get a lot off your chest" and - what? - unburden yourself again to someone else who doesn't have the skills to help you?

You're not emotionally done with your ex-fiance. You're not really done, at least intellectually, with the one-night stand. You aren't done with being a faithful partner, and you aren't done being "dirty and bad." You're psychoanalyzing yourself - and that's just never a good idea.

Make a plan on Monday morning to call your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist who takes your insurance. Tell the doctor that you are having tremendous problems moving past your STI even though it's cured, and you need some help.

I fear that, if you continue to lay these burdens on amateurs (Mamapedia moms, your friend) with no plan of action, you're going to seem like someone who doesn't really want to figure out a path to wellness. My concern is also that you may find it advisable to talk to people at work about this, and that's a recipe for disaster. You may stay up late thinking about things, and wind up being sleep-deprived, which makes you a risk for mistakes at work or while driving. Nothing good can come of this.

You have enough determination and focus to keep posting about what a mess you are, you certainly have enough gumption to make 2 phone calls - one to your doctor, and one to the therapist recommended by that doctor. You're not going to feel better on your own - you need a professional to help you through all these feelings that are understandably confusing. There is help available, and you can make great progress toward calm and contentment if you take these initial steps.

Did you not read the answers to your last question? Go back and read them. We ALL talked about how you needed to get counseling for being so out of control. For heaven's sake, why would you tell a future guy that you caught an STD that you don't have anymore? That's just ridiculous.

Plenty of people try casual sex. Even people on this site. Some will admit it, some won't. You got burned because you got an STD and now you're a freaked-out mess who has gone off the deep end.

I feel sorry for your friend who you're going to go stay with and get "a lot off your chest" because she's NOT a therapist and nothing she says is going to help you because you won't let this go. Since you won't let this go, you need PROFESSIONAL help and medication to get over this.

Once you get help, and I sure hope you do, you need to stop seeing everything so black and white. Life is not "all or nothing". You can choose to never have sex again if you want to be miserable all your life, you can choose to make drama about the possibility of having sex, like you're doing now, and make yourself miserable. Or you can stop with the drama, go talk to a professional and get better. I sure hope you pick the right choice.

I don't know why you would have associated an STD with HIV in the first place. They are NOT mutually exclusive. Tons of people have STDs, and no trace of HIV. There are more people out there with an STD only than there are people with an STD plus HIV, or HIV alone. I think you have been traumatized to the point that you have a fear of rejection from the opposite gender because of your past. There is no reason to feel guilt. Again, lots of people have had trysts and one night stands. You learn from your mistakes and move on, and don't do it again. As others have pointed out, there is no need to mention to partners a past STD that has been cured. Do you tell partners that you had an ulcer, an appendectomy or a yeast infection? Maybe, if you guys are discussing past medical history for some reason like "oh, I had my appendix taken out at 10, it really hurt" and you say "oh yes, I went through that as well" otherwise, it's not really the norm to discuss these things with partners.

I think your reason to sleep with this man was wanting revenge on the fact that your fiancé left you for another woman so you felt you were getting back at him by doing the same thing, or maybe you wanted to feel what it was like to be on the other side of things (the homewrecker side). See it as sexual exploration, like some woman trying out a one night stand for the first time. You obviously realized this was not for you, you do not like it, and do not want to ever do that again, which is good, it means you have a conscience and a moral compass, so just don't do it. Again, lots of people have something in their past to be ashamed of, it makes us grow as people. I would not take the cheat back though (your ex fiancé), what makes you think he won't keep with his behavior? If he is doing this while engaged, what makes you think getting married would do to change that? Stop being so concerned about what he, or anyone else, may think, and work on yourself, your own happiness and peace of mind.

Yes, you probably do need friends, based on what you said. Why not get into some hobbies? That would be a great way to make some friends. I live alone too, have gotten myself out of some poor choices, and I am fine. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. You could be living with your ex-fiancé and feeling lonely because he is cheating on you, for example. I feel quite fulfilled with my close friendships, my hobbies, and keeping busy. Read some books, catch up on some movies or TV shows you may have wanted to check out.

Do you have family nearby? I would feel more comfortable talking this over with family than a friend, although seeing a therapist would probably be the best solution, to get over your fears and disgust for yourself, and to help you get out of this rut. Don't be so hard on yourself. I would visit my friend but not to dump on her, just to have a fun girls' night out, or to visit a spa, maybe do a road trip...something fun to get your mind off of thinking about these men and the trich. The more you think of this and keep replaying it in your mind, the harder it will be for you to move on.