Need Some Advice... - Grand Forks AFB,ND

Your best friend is saying hurtful things about you having children because it hurts her that she is having so much trouble having children. My sister in law did the same thing to us when we were pregnant with our second and they still had none. My advice is to love her, but be as distant as you need to be for your own emotional safety. When she is less emotional you can talk to her rationally and tell her you still care for her.... or when she does conceive- make a huge celebration of it- welcome her back with open arms. Chances are you kids could be best friends.

Are you OK with how she might react if you tell her?
If not, are you OK with having a friend you can't talk to freely?
It is possible that you are outgrowing this friend, even though you've been friends for a long time. Your answers to the above questions will help you get clearer about whether she still fits in the best friend slot in your life. You could still be friends without being so intimate and sharing everything.

Wow - I agree whole-heartedly with JL!! And have experienced pretty much her story - as well as yours. The only thing I have to add is the dear friend I'd had during our losses and while ttc was a co-worker with three children who wanted five. Her husband was happy and three filled his family desire. So they stood, unhappy with one another. When I miscarried out first baby, she had nasty things to say - and throughout each pregnancy, the snips grew worse, as our friendship failed. Fortunately for me, I chose to become very familiar with moms with children my kids' ages. It wasn't planned, just sort of happened through playdates and gatherings and parties - and eventually, I became a SAHM - and my former best girlfriend and I drifted further. Looking back, I so wish I'd have had the opportunity to talk with her and work things out, a bit - but she, too found new directions. And at the birth of my last baby - she called me, expressing her sorrow at having treated me so poorly in my pregnancies. It was her that felt the woes of a friendship's end. I was pretty surprised and grateful, too. We are no longer 'close' - but I no longer have hard feelings about the hurtful things she'd said and done. (Even in a group setting when we announced one of our babies, she piped up to say - are you sure you want to announce this one, yet? - we'd had two mc's and this pregnancy was already at 16 weeks!) Sadly, the pregnancy ended in our baby being born as a full term stillbirth - .

Anyway - long story - but I also know the pain of hearing about other's pregnancies and successes as we lost babies - but it helped us to regroup with like-minded, like-experienced friends along the way.

Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!!

I can speak from the perspective of your friend. My husband and I had a very hard time getting pregnant (more than 2 years) and it was very, very hard for me when friends and family got pregnant during that time. It is a very emotional thing for a woman to worry that she won't be able to have a baby of her own and it seems so unfair when everyone else seems to do it so easily. I'm sure your friend doesn't really mean to be hurtful, she is just having difficulty coming to grips with her own situation and her normal happiness for you is overshadowed by feelings of jealousy. I think that it would be best to tell her that you are expecting #2 via email or a letter. That way she will have time to process her emotions and then choose a time when she is composed to call and congratulate you. Although you have been best friends for a long time you may find that your friendship needs to be a bit more distant while your friend is going through this hard time in her life. As hard as you try you really won't be able to understand what she's going through and she may need to seek the friendship of other women who are struggling with infertility. Even if you drift apart for a year or two you can be sure that once she has a baby (either biological or through adoption) she will be in a better place to continue your friendship. A helpful book that might give you some perspective on what your friend is going though is "Conquering Infertility" -- sorry, I don't remember the author, but I'm sure you could easily find it online or at the library. Congratulations on baby #2!

A friend does not treat you like that! I know that she is probably upset because she is trying but she should have the guts to be happy about your situation. Sometimes your life requires you to have different friends (other mothers who have children the same age as yours). Let your best friend be there but don't worry about making her a priority. You, your husband and your children are your priority. You don't need the bad vibes coming from your friend. Be understanding with her but also firm about what is important in your life and that her current attitude is not something you can handle at this time in your life. Remember... You and your family are the most important things in your life. Friends come and go... maybe this is a friendship that needs to fade for awhile... who knows... maybe she will concieve and be calling you all excited... then your friendship will change again.

Hello K....first of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! :) Now, about your friend...she shouldn't have said such hurtful things to you, but it sounds to me like she may be hurting over the fact that she is not yet pregnant. Hurting people hurt others and she may be jealous that you were trying for #2 when she doesn't have even have her first. Or, could she be concerned that you might be "stealing her thunder" and trying to conceive at the same time? Whatever the issue is, 10 years is a long time to be friends and your pregnancy is something the two of you should share. I can only tell you what I would do...I would share the news with her at the same time you share it with your family. If she was upset the last time b/c you didn't tell her first, then make her first. This will also allow some time for her to perhaps become pregnant, too. And then you can experience pregnancy together! Good luck and God Bless!! S.

Congrats on the pregnancy. How wonderful for you.

Your friend is jealous that you concieved so easily and unfortunally she uses her major as a way to hurt you. First of all she is wrong to say those things to you. Next time look her in the eye and say "I can't believe you would say that to me" then walk away. She is in the wrong and personally, if this is how your best friend acts, you need to find a new best friend. A friend is there for you in your joyful times as well as the sorrow, they don't say hateful things to you and act like they are a professional while doing so. Makes me wonder how she will be in her major. Look closely at your friendship over the years and see if there is a pattern of hurting you when she is jealous of something. I could be that you allow this to happen and need to learn to stand up to her better.

I wouldn't tell her unless she is pregnant also. She will use it as a way to attack you again. If she says something when she does find out about not being told earlier, just flatly tell her after her remarks, you didn't think she would want to know.. or that you didn't want to deal with her negitive comments.

Sounds to me like she is jealous, and is upset about being jealous and is just taking it out on you.
I know from personal experience that ttc and being unsuccessful is extremely stressful and emotional. My DH and I tried for 5 years and were unsuccessful, even with the help of fertility treatments. During that time, my best friend became pregnant with her son - she wasn't married, and became pregnant on purpose in the hopes that her boyfriend would marry her (it didn't work) - I was so mad at her that I didn't speak to her for two months. When I really began to think about why I was angry, it came right down to the fact that she was pregnant, and I wasn't. She had something that I so desperately wanted, and it was so easy for her. I just couldn't understand why my DH and I weren't having a baby of our own when we wanted one so badly and she just decided to get pregnant for a stupid reason and it worked. I took it out on her, and I shouldn't have. Once I worked through my own issues, we were able to mend our friendship.
I do have to say, though, DO NOT LIE TO HER. If you lie to your friend, or omit telling her about your pregnancy, she will be even more hurt, and your friendship may not be salvagable. Tell her when you tell your family, and try to take any hurtful things she may say with a grain of salt. I would suggest telling her that you know she may be hurt by the fact that you are pregnant and she is not, and though you may not understand what she is going through as you have not experienced it, you hope that things work out for her soon so she can be as happy as you and your DH are with your family.
Good luck!

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm sorry that your relationship with your best friend doesn't just increase the joy of it. But things are what they are, so just go from there.

You have had such good response from moms who can really see what your friend must be feeling. I imagine that helps you to take her remarks less personally and maybe even to feel for her, which also can decrease the pain that you feel.

You didn't say whether you responded to the hurtful things she said about your trying again. Of course you are right about how untrue every one of them is. There is great power in just saying simply, "It hurt me very much to hear (the things that she said that caused the pain go here)". No matter what she says in response, you will feel a lot of freedom in your feelings from just saying it out loud to her. You will likely find then that it is easier to consider how you want to tell her about your pregnancy. I would imagine, though, that it will be in another conversation at a later time. I don't know that for sure, but I personally can only handle so much emotion at a time. You can just feel it out.

I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but I think I was mostly responding to your question, "Is it worth it to say anything to her?" You say repeatedly what a good friend she is, so I assume that you want to really work for this relationship. And in the little bit of wisdom old age has provided me with, I truly believe in this concept of speaking your hurt. If you decide you believe in it, too, you may find it coming in handy more than once as you travel these very emotional waters with her. Remember, though, that you are NOT accusing her. You are just sharing what you feel. Your feelings are not her fault, they belong to you. But that is another subject altogether...

K. let me start off with Congratulations! How wonderful for you. I also had a friend who was not happy when we told her that we were having # 2 sadly she was nasty and hurtful. My friend was also trying to concieve and was having problems. My husband and I had been trying for a year and I was on fertility meds which we also had to use to get #1 and I was sad and angry that my friend could be so horrible about this unfortunately she could not get over it and we are no longer friends.Hopefully your friend will realize what she has done. I would wait until I was at least 12 weeks before I let her know. When and if you do tell her let her know how hurt you were when she said those hurtful things to you , if after that she cannot be nice then you may have to cut the ties of your friendship. The last thing you need while you are pregnant is a toxic relationship this should be one of the happier times in your life. Good Luck and again Congratulations.

First I'm so sorry that you're having to temper your joy at the birth of another child with this issue.

As someone who has had a hard time conceiving, I know how hard it is to handle when someone I'm close to very easily gets pregnant. However that is MY problem, and I would HATE to have someone close to me not tell me about their joy because of my own issues.

I'm a psych major too, and if anything it should make you more cognizant of how to be GENTLE in these situations, not how to be more terrible. Telling someone they shouldn't have their children is just hateful, and if I were you I would try to talk to her about it. If you don't it's going to cause a long term friendship to go bad VERY quickly, because you'll be resentful. You two need to work out a way to handle this, because while it's hard for her, she's making it hard for you too.

I would just be honest, tell her how your feeling, and ask her how she wants you to handle this. It's the only way to make sure all in involved are comfortable.

And don't allow yourself to be treated like that. Calmly tell her how you feel. If she continues the behavior you may need to rethink your friendship.

Good luck and congratulations!