Need Some Advice About My Mom--please Help

My mom is the same. diabetic, aches and pains due to excessive weight and no activity. Out of breath just going down the steps and to the end of the walk to get the news paper. I decided early on that I can't do anything to change her or make her want to change. If her children, grandkids, and great grandkids aren't incentive enough for her to want to stick around then there's nothing I can do.

The part that's really upsetting with overweight moms is that they see a ton of doctors who are more than willing to write rxs for things but will only mention weight in passing. If the doctor wrote a rx for visits 3 times a week to the gym my mom would probably follow it because 'the doctor ordered it.' But no instead they just push drugs and never mention lifestyle changes or programs run by the local hospital to deal with these issues. Very frustrating.

The unfortunate reality in any case like this is that you cannot force someone to change their behaviors. You love her and that is clear, but your encouragement and pleading will not change her behaviors. As a psychologist I can assure you that no amount of pleading, threatening or "reminding" will change her ways.

It is highly likely that your mother is suffering from chronic depression. The only long-term treatment for this type of behavioral pattern is genuine therapy. See if you can get her to agree to see a therapist. If she is able to identify the source of her frustration and pain and work through it, she will see what she has to live for!

Yes, therapy takes time but it may not take as long as you think. I would suggest seeking out a cognitive-behavioral therapist (not a psychoanalyst). Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) tends to be shorter in nature and focuses on identifying the "inaccurate thought" that is perpetuating the behavior. In your mom's case it may be something like this....

"I am sick anyway, so what difference does it make if I eat whatever I want- I'm going to die from something (inaccurate thought)." The perpetuating behavior is NOT the eating, it's the daily medication and probably weekly doctor's visits. The eating is just a symptom that something else isn't adding up. Not sure if that makes sense, but your mom (at least from my CBT perspective) sees her medications and doctors as reminders that she has no control over her condition and therefore there is nothing she can do to make it better. This has led to depression, of which the eating is the behavioral manifestation.

That was a really long-winded way of saying... start small and see if you can get her to go to a counselor and offer to go with her!

A.,
Obviously you love your mom very much.
The bottom line is that you can't *make* another person *do* anything, and you probably already know that. This applies to eating, using drugs, drinking, gambling, etc.

What you can do is to tell your mom what you've told us here...that you love her very much and want to have her around for you & your family for a very long time. Ask her what you CAN do to help: find a trainer, pay for Weight Watchers, find a counselor or an Overeaters Anonymous group to attend, a nutritionist....

I would not recommend an "intervention" as it will likely make her very defensive.....talk to her, just you & she alone.

Good luck!

Your M. is discouraged and depressed. EVery time you mention the gym workout and so forth, you are just reminding her how much of a "loser" she is (and probably feels) With her medical problems, it might not be easy as you think to have the energy to get up and the will to do it with her knee surgeries, etc. When she sees those obstacles, she gets more frustrated and eat which defeats the whole purpose all over. Eating is the only thing she has control over and it's the thing that gives comfort. Instead of suggesting the gym, etc, see if you can help her to keep moving in small steps just to get circulation going and eliminate the excess toxins. Continue cooking the healthy meals. Don't give up. I think your M. hears you and wants to lose the weight herself. I know you are concerned about her health and so forth, just tell her that and encourage her as much as you can. Don't try to scare her into reality just because you are frightened for her. She might have accepted herself the way she is and not feel motivated. So as her daughter, motivate her, love on her, encourage her and let her grand daughter hang around her to make things more hopeful for her.

YOU, cannot change her. She has to want to change.

If you harp, cry, beg, threaten.. you are going to push her away.

She sounds very depressed. She needs to seek help. Speaking with a professional will help your mother sort through her her issues and help her. Again with depression, the more anyone pushes, the more energy it takes the person to admit and find the strength to want to deal with it..

Just keep loving your mother just the way she is. Let her always know how much you love her and are thankful for her being here for you and your family.

If she is on an antidepressant, she may need to have it increased..
I am sending you strength.

Since this has always been an issue for her, and with her eating patterns -it's an emotional problem and not a physical one. It manifests itself physically, but if she truly wants to get to the bottom of it and get healthy, she needs to see a therapist immediately! There are therapists who specialize in eating disorders, and I'm sure you'll find a number of them in Chicago. She has an eating disorder. She eats for comfort and to soothe pain and sadness. She may have many depression issues, but one thing is for sure -she learned this behavior before you ever came along! People eat or don't eat due to depression, anxiety, grief, stress, etc. Just as some people drink or pop pills or do other drugs -some people eat. She needs to go into counseling to find ways to offset her impulses and find new ways to handle her negative emotions. Many therapists will see her in conjunction with a weight loss plan -some will wait awhile before introducing a weight loss plan.

Good luck! She may be resistant to therapy, but it sounds like she's tried everything else, so she should try this!

You can't change her . . . you will beat your head against the wall trying.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. My heart goes out to you.

it sounds like she needs counsling. I would talk to her and see if you can get her to go. She needs to learn all new behaviors and the therapist might be able to help with that.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Your mom has been through a lot. My sister had the same problem.. She couldn't lose weight no matter how hard she tried. She'd lose maybe 80 pounds on her own but she really needed to lose 200. She had gastric bypass surgery eventually. This was doctor ordered. She had to go through two years of counseling, meeting with a nutritionist and seeing a specialist. She also had to go on a strict diet the doctor prescribed during this two year pre-surgery. I wouldn't recommend the surgery as it was too hard on my sister who is quite a bit younger than your mom. In fact, she could have died from it. The first year was the hardest for her to adjust. BUT that two year prep that she did I thought was phenominal. I'm wondering if something like that would help your mom. Seeing a counselor, a nutritionist and a doctor about her weight problem. If she has professional support every step of the way, perhaps she can lose that weight. Good luck to you!!

My first thought is therapy might help - but this could take years. I have a good friend who had lap band surgery and she says it is really worth it. She sees her doctor regularly to make sure things are going well. Basically it keeps you from overeating. She says her life is changed for the better and she is so happy she did it. I just read an article about people who don't have the control to stop eating - they feel hunger all the time even though they are not really hungry. It's psychosomatic. It sounds like your mom needs help and maybe this would be a solution for her???

coming from someone who has done a lot of hte same behaviors you are describing in your mom, it sounds like she is a compulsive overeater. this is an actual sickness. she does not seem to have control. she would benefit from seeing a counselor or even going to group counseling, which is often what they do for eating disorders. this is an eating disorder, not just her being lazy. i can tell you that she doesn't want to be like this, but she doesn't know any other way. i will definately pray for you and your mother, that you can somehow seek help and manage this problem.

Gastric bypass. I read something recently where this surgery is actually REVERSING diabetes in people.

You are the child not the parent...You sound rather bossy to me...sorry.

Have you ever considered she knows she is over weight? That she sees herself in the mirror every morning? She knows she is not healthy and that you are unhappy with it? How is you behavior helping her mentally?

She may be hiding food just to keep you from griping at her. If she doesn't want to eat what you have in your kitchen she shouldn't have to hide it in her bedroom to keep you from seeing it.

She can't work out very easily with the knee injury. There is very little she will be able to do with weights and treadmills, I know because I have staples in my knees from college softball injuries. I used to run at least 5 miles every night and I played all kinds of sports all through high school. I hate that I can't do the things I used to do and if my daughter was constantly bugging me about it it would make me feel very depressed. I would really like to go out and whack a tennis ball around to get rid of some pent up anger.

She is on numerous medications, do you have any idea how many medications state on the warning label that they may cause weight gain? A lot of them do. If she is taking medications for her Fibromyalgia then she is not going to lose weight. That medication causes weight gain and if the person has depression to begin with it makes it worse.

Her age is also a factor, she is getting older and she can't do as much, even without the botched knee surgery she might have become more sedentary anyway.

Losing weight may not be something she will ever be able to do again. You need to accept her for who she is and continue to have your lifestyle in your home and let her make her own choices about what she eats and things. Making her feel worse abut herself isn't helping.

I totally understand where you are coming from... trying to get someone to change who doesn't feel like they need help. Do you have siblings and does she have a husband? Maybe you can stage an intervention. Get together secretly with your family and make sure they are all for it. Get them all together and get to her house, sit with her and have a big heart to heart.

She does need counseling.... she may even need to go away to some kind of medical treatment facility to help her lose weight.

I know this is scary. And being obese does set the stage for all kind of medical problems.

Pray for her. Maybe try your local weight watchers group, the diet is really close to the diabetic diet and make a date night with her to watch the Biggest Loser every week to see the success stories and for motivation that others are doing it too