I am a single a single mother of 4 boys. They don't see thier father that much so I don't get that much alone time for dates. I have recently been dating someone for 5 months. He doesn't have any kids of his own, but has been a stepparent and says he loves kids and still has a relationship with his stepkids. I saw that as a good sign. The last month i let him come over on the weekends. He doesn't really engage with my kids. At first i just thought he just needs to get used to them. But the last weekend my youngest who is 6 got really excited when he came over. He wanted to play a game with him. My boyfriend wouldn't play the game with him because he didn't know how to play it was his response. He just sat there playing on his tablet. My son kept begging. He also asked if he could build him this toy I got him and he kept brushing him off. (Because he clearly didn't want to do it). I got irritated and ending up playing the game with my son which i didn't know how to play also was cleaning at the same time. I am not sure if i am over reacting but this is a HUGE turn off to me. My son is asking for his attention and he is blowing him off. Everything else is great with the relationship but i am really concerned with how he blew off my son. I am thinking about breaking up, but not sure if i should talk to him about it first? I don't want to say something and then him try to engage with my son just because i said something. I want it to be genuine. Could use some advice please!
You saw what you saw. I would have a super hard time being with this guy and I would have called him out right then. A six year old doesn't come second to a tablet.
You need to have an honest conversation with him. Tell him you are concerned by his lack of interaction with the kids. You have to tell him and not just expect him. Honestly, these aren't his kids. He may not know or understand what you expect from him.
Trust people to be who they show you they are, not who they say they are.
He says he loves kids and was a stepdad. Great. But he's not showing you that.
Right now, your kids should be your first priority. There are men who do love kids who can take the time to make the time, you know?
For years, couples have been advised that the one real indicator if a marriage is going to last is if each person in the relationship is willing to attend to the others 'bids' for attention. Meaning, basically, that if one person is saying "hey, check this out", the other is receptive and responds positively more times than not.(obviously situation matters, if one is doing something attention-critical, they may not be able to direct their attention elsewhere in that moment, but they can say "oh, just a minute, I need to put this down..." and then give their attention to their partner in the next free moment.)
Your boyfriend is not interested in a long term relationship with the kids. He isn't receptive to your child's 'bids' and what you will find, over time, is that you are splitting your attention amongst 4 boys and one man instead of coexisting as a unit.
I say this because I've lived it as a kid. My mom's 3rd husband was exactly like this when they first got together, very aloof with us and self-centered, unwilling to try beyond his own comfort level. I think she expected it to change, but after 6 hellish years, it never did and they split up. As kids we were pretty much invisible unless we were in trouble. You are right to question what you are seeing-- and again, trust him to be who he has shown you he IS, not what he says. Our actions define us far more accurately than our words.
I bet if you asked your 6 yr old, he'd say get rid of him. I wonder what his ex step kids really say about him.
This is the 'honeymoon' stage in this relationship therefore he should be trying to impress you and yes that means playing a stupid game with your son.
Did you pick another loser like their dad? Maybe you need to stop dating for a while and just be a mom or date just for fun and don't bring guys around your kids....I'm sure you know it's very unhealthy for kids to see their mom bringing different men around, not that you are!!!
That depends. What are you looking for in this relationship? Are you looking for someone to go to movies and dinner with every now and then? Or are you looking for a future husband and dad for your kids?
If you want the former, then keep dating him casually but don't bring him to your house with the kids anymore. If you want the latter, then maybe this relationship isn't it - although I would discuss it with him, not just break up without giving him a chance to explain.
If your boyfriend is not trying NOW, when you would think he would be trying to impress you and win over your son, it WON'T get better later. So glad you are putting your kids first! Way too many posts about why step parents and live-ins are treating children like dirt and how to fix the CHILDREN.
Sorry - he's not in this relationship for your kids.
You're looking for father material - he's not it - so break it off with him and keep looking.
It might be that as a step parent - he feels he already has enough kid time and doesn't need anymore of it.
He's not a guy that can fit one more (or 4 more) kid(s) into his life.
If it makes you feel any better - I use to LOVE building legos with our son.
I was a little sad once he didn't need my help anymore - but he'd have me find/sort the pieces for him while he was building.
If you want to have someone to go to dinner with or a movie every so often - then fine, look this guy up once in awhile.
He's ok as a friend.
If you're looking for more of a commitment and a man for your family - he's just not into it.
Don't try to make him into something he's not.
For your kids - you might want to look into a Big Brother program.
You've invited him over on more than one weekend, right? And there was no change? It's not like he had an "off" day or really didn't like the game. He played on his tablet. He didn't try to play with your son or even suggest another game. When you played, he didn't get down on the floor to have you teach him (in case he didn't understand a 6 year old's instructions). If he really were interested, he'd ask you for help in figuring out what makes your kids tick.
He's not interested in your kids. Maybe he's in touch with his stepchildren, maybe he's not. Maybe the reason they are his ex-stepkids is that he wasn't engaged.
He's not into kids, and you have 4. Trust your gut. This is not the guy for you unless you 4 kids are totally grown. I'm sorry because I get that you are having fun, and you are attracted to him. But he's not ready for family. Maybe he will never be. He makes you feel great when you're out on dates, but not in the everyday life. Which is what most of life is.
Believe what you see, not what he tells you.
To not even show a token "best behavior" interest in your kid at this stage pretty much tells you all you need to know. Without words, you're seeing his honest self when it comes to your kids.
He's Mr. Okay For Now if you want to keep dating him for fun away from your home/kids, but he's not going to be a keeper.
Break up with him. I'm sorry though.
He's not interested in a mom with 4 kids. Pretty simple.
You have two choices, dump him or keep him around on the side when your kids aren't around.
Your kids should be your #1 concern. Personally, and ai know this sounds rough, but I'd put off dating and introducing (dating without introducing is fine). Keep the two parts of your life compartmentalized and it will be better for all. Good luck!
If you want a husband/significant other who is into kids he is probably not the one, although it is hard to say. No one is hands on ALL the time. This is just one example and perhaps he really was having an off day and wanted to relax on his tablet more than anything at that moment. I would give him another chance though because this is totally human. If he is like this ALL the time with your kids he is not a hands on kids type of person and is not really into kids. Lots of people are like this. Maybe this is a deal breaker for you. Lots of women marry someone and have kids with someone like this. My husband goes both ways...sometimes he is such a great dad and is so involved with the kids and sometimes he just wants to do stuff on his laptop and he completely ignores them. This drives me nuts yet I also have times where I feel tired of the kids and need a break and just want to do my own thing. PS - The poster who said this is the courtship phase and he is showing you his best is probably right. I would give it a little more time and watch him and keep that in mind. PPS - It's hard to date and have kids. My mom did and I would get really attached to some of her boyfriends and then they would leave. I'm not trying to make you feel bad because what can you do? I still think of some of these people and I'm 45! She did break up with one really nice guy because he was not so into us kids. But I remember him as this super nice guy who was really into his sailboat and taking us sailing. I liked him a lot and wished he has stayed. She ended up staying with an abusive a**hole who I hated. I wish she had stayed with the guy that was not so into kids! She looks back and wishes she had stayed with him too.
You and your kids are a package deal.
He doesn't care about your kids, and apparently doesn't care much about you if you were cleaning while he was visiting and he didn't offer to help.
I hope the sex is phenomenal because that's all he's good for.
Welcome back A.!
Since you wrote that "everything else is great with the relationship", I think you should take one big step back and try to get some perspective here.
How old is this guy? Is he aware that you want a father figure for your children and not just a good boyfriend?
Anyone on this site might think that choosing a smartphone over a cute child would be nuts. BUT, many smart and lovely adults do not like children!
I think this topic is worth a quiet intimate conversation with him. Just you two, a good bottle of wine, and tell him your concerns. Because it sounds like you really like him, other than this issue.
Move on IMO. The most important thing to me when I have found a significant other is how they treat my daughter. If he isn't giving them any time now, it will only get worse. Either he doesn't connect with your kids , or he really isn't into kids or he is just a jerk! I would have a hard time staying in that relationship one more day. Your kids are THE most important. You asked a great question and it seems we are all in agreement. I'm sorry you are in this situation! I hope some of the comments have helped you! Dating as a single mom is not easy. Maybe try small park dates earlier in the relationship to see how the guy acts before you let your feelings get to close. Good luck to you!
Updated
Move on IMO. The most important thing to me when I have found a significant other is how they treat my daughter. If he isn't giving them any time now, it will only get worse. Either he doesn't connect with your kids , or he really isn't into kids or he is just a jerk! I would have a hard time staying in that relationship one more day. Your kids are THE most important. You asked a great question and it seems we are all in agreement. I'm sorry you are in this situation! I hope some of the comments have helped you! Dating as a single mom is not easy. Maybe try small park dates earlier in the relationship to see how the guy acts before you let your feelings get to close. Good luck to you!
Updated
Move on IMO. The most important thing to me when I have found a significant other is how they treat my daughter. If he isn't giving them any time now, it will only get worse. Either he doesn't connect with your kids , or he really isn't into kids or he is just a jerk! I would have a hard time staying in that relationship one more day. Your kids are THE most important. You asked a great question and it seems we are all in agreement. I'm sorry you are in this situation! I hope some of the comments have helped you! Dating as a single mom is not easy. Maybe try small park dates earlier in the relationship to see how the guy acts before you let your feelings get to close. Good luck to you!
Updated
Move on IMO. The most important thing to me when I have found a significant other is how they treat my daughter. If he isn't giving them any time now, it will only get worse. Either he doesn't connect with your kids , or he really isn't into kids or he is just a jerk! I would have a hard time staying in that relationship one more day. Your kids are THE most important. You asked a great question and it seems we are all in agreement. I'm sorry you are in this situation! I hope some of the comments have helped you! Dating as a single mom is not easy. Maybe try small park dates earlier in the relationship to see how the guy acts before you let your feelings get to close. Good luck to you!
Updated
Move on IMO. The most important thing to me when I have found a significant other is how they treat my daughter. If he isn't giving them any time now, it will only get worse. Either he doesn't connect with your kids , or he really isn't into kids or he is just a jerk! I would have a hard time staying in that relationship one more day. Your kids are THE most important. You asked a great question and it seems we are all in agreement. I'm sorry you are in this situation! I hope some of the comments have helped you! Dating as a single mom is not easy. Maybe try small park dates earlier in the relationship to see how the guy acts before you let your feelings get to close. Good luck to you!
Updated
Move on IMO. The most important thing to me when I have found a significant other is how they treat my daughter. If he isn't giving them any time now, it will only get worse. Either he doesn't connect with your kids , or he really isn't into kids or he is just a jerk! I would have a hard time staying in that relationship one more day. Your kids are THE most important. You asked a great question and it seems we are all in agreement. I'm sorry you are in this situation! I hope some of the comments have helped you! Dating as a single mom is not easy. Maybe try small park dates earlier in the relationship to see how the guy acts before you let your feelings get to close. Good luck to you!
"Liking kids" and being a day-to-day stepdad for 4 young boys is a BIG difference! I know you're a woman and want love/affection/attention/adult time, but you're a mom first! Pull back and see how hard he tries...
