Need Some Perspective

Maybe he just wanted to give her email a through read through himself? He's right, you are representing the two of you, and maybe he would like a say in what you write back to the mom. It's not that he doesn't trust you to be professional. Just might want a say.

That's probably how I would view it.

I know when I am at work I hate being on the phone. Walls have ears and all that. Because I just want to get the person off the phone I don't always explain myself well or my husband gets a lot of send it to me and I will take care of it.

It isn't that I don't think he can take care of it, it is just easier for me to take care of it than go over it with him on the phone.

So maybe he was busy.

Okay other observation, in my 25 years of raising kids I have never contacted my ex or my husband about babysitting. Is it possible he thought it was more serious than it was because you did?

Also, just throwing this out there but it isn't normal for a 6 or 7 year old to still be running off. My sons were handfuls, especially the one with autism spectrum. No one could watch him but family because they were the only ones able to understand his triggers.

I would look at myself and wonder what I did to make the girl feel that I would not take her side about the child's misbehavior.

I think he simply thought that you were very angry and that the anger might come acrossed in your response. I would not get bent out of shape over it.

I actually send my email/vents to my husband to tone down. Since i ask, no i would not be offended. I say, take a step back and let your husband be your teammate.

I have to think back to when i was a teen babysitting. I did not complain at all even though the kids where out of control. Part of it is not have the knowledge to know what is age appropriate and part is wanting to be 'nice' to the parents. She is a young person and her mother realized she was in over her head. How old are your kids that they run into parking lots? You can be grateful the mother made her quit for the safety of your children.

Your husband wants to read the email. I'm not seeing an issue here. Quite often my husband and I will send emails to each other that are meant for someone else just to have them look over it and make sure everything sounds ok.

It sounds like you were already frustrated and your husband's simple request irritated you even more.

ETA: A far as the teen not saying something, she may have feared a confrontation with you if she said something bad about the kids, so instead said nothing, went home and talked to her mom about it.

Yes, the situation would concern me.
Yes, the failure to communicate past incidents by the sitter would concern me.
Yes, the comment by hubs would upset me.

He probably sees your mama bear coming out (as you are understandably upset) and wants to install himself as censor.

I would probably table both the e-mail, and the conversation with hubs till after kids are in bed and I've had a glass of wine.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I would have my husband look it over. I had to write a Rating on someone who dumped us via email. My mom looked it over, my co-worker looked it over.. before I posted it, because I wanted to make sure it was the facts and strictly the facts. So we could not be sued for false accusations.

I hear you, and I am sure he meant nothing by it like how you are taking it. Maybe he also has others look at things to make sure the writing is correct. It is a check and balance.

Ok - so here is my take.

My husband (especially the longer he knows me) is REALLY in-tune with my, ahem, *hot buttons*. He can tell when I'm likely to snap and has taken it upon himself to save me from myself at times.

It's possible that your husband could tell that you were keyed up because it was an issue that has to do with your son (rightly so) and he wanted to make sure that your response wasn't peppered with emotion?

He might not have been coming at it worried about HIM, but instead wanting to make sure that the email didn't come across in a way that would reflect poorly on YOU????

Well, I just don't understand. Nobody here ever misconstrues the written word or misunderstands the emotion coming across. Lol

I understand you are adult enough to handle this, but maybe H felt you were coming across differently than he felt. He wanted to make sure he wasn't misrepresented.

The girl was probably embarrassed that the situation got out of hand and that she couldn't control your son, so she didn't bring it up with you. She likely vented to her mother who may have convinced her that caring for this child is not a good idea if she is unable to control him. Your husband probably just wants to make sure you are both on the same page before you reply.

He just wanted to read it too, before you send it to the parent/babysitter.
He is probably taking it as a business reply, versus a personal letter, to them.
I mean, you "hired" a babysitter. Now she wants to quit and because your child was too much for her. She probably feels bad. She told her Mom. Like any kid would if they have a problem. After all, she is just a kid herself. And she didn't know how to handle it, "professionally."
So now, you told your Husband what happened. Your Husband merely wants to review the e-mail response to the Babysitter's Mom, first. As a precaution. And probably to make sure, it is "neutral" and not all emotional or angry, sounding. Since he probably knows you are a bit miffed, about the whole thing. Right now.
Its called checks-and-balances....of the e-mail, BEFORE it is actually sent, to the Mom of the Babysitter. So there are no regrets, about it or how it was worded.

It is not about "HIS" reputation. It is about, handling this in a manner in which, the Babysitter/her Mom, will be appeased and not cause anymore trouble.... for your family etc. because she quit. And it all ending on a positive, note. Not both parties bad mouthing each other etc.
Not it being about who said what and what my child did or not, or what she did or did not tell us, etc.
The girl, wants to quit. She cannot handle the babysitting. Of 2 kids. She asked her Mom for help, to convey that to you. The Mom e-mailed you. The Mom told you what happened.
And now, there just need to be closure. Of it all. Between all parties.
Sure, you are upset, that the girl did not tell you, she was having a hard time. But she is a kid herself.
But your Husband, wants to make sure any correspondence to them, is, professional. He is not critiquing you. He probably just does not want any trouble, from them.

In any case, me and my husband routinely will run-by something to each other, just to double check it. Before sending it off. Just to see, if other has other, maybe better ideas about wording etc. It is not about who is a better representative, of each other or the family.

I wouldn't think twice about the comment from hubby.

We do this all the time with important emails with both our company and a personal email if it pertains to our daughter, school, etc.

Neither of us look at it from the perspective that one person is not capable of writing a good professional email. We look at it as a way to make sure it is what WE want to say and to have another set of eyes read it to see how it comes across. We are a team and we want it clear when a someone reads an email from us that they know... it is from us...... not me, not him but US. Granted, we don't review each other's emails all the time... only things such as your situation, responses to a client if there is an issue, etc.

Sometimes what is written can be interpreted in a way you did not intend... emotions can come across in an email when they don't need to.

Example: I read your first sentence and my first thought was... this person wants validation and sugar coating and after I read your entire post I see that it is a legit question that most of us have probably dealt with at one point or another.

I don't think any mom on here intends to write a snarky, rude response but you bet some of them do come across that way.

I'm sorry about your babysitting issue. The teen's mom should not be involved in the issues between you and the teen.. The teen is your employee and in my opinion from the email you received from the mom, the teen is not mature enough to manage the job or has had a change of heart about working this summer and had her mom do the dirty work so she didn't have to face you. All children will get on a sitter's nerves at times, it is not something to abruptly quit over though, especially if she has been communicating that everything was ok.

Maybe you came across as being more upset than you actually were when you discussed it with your husband, which is why he asked you to send him a draft in case you came off sounding mean, harsh, or whatever. Also, maybe he wanted to add some things?

Not knowing you or your husband, I can only tell you how I would feel if a similar situation came up for me and my husband. Although I generally voluntarily cc my husband or email him drafts (and vice versa), if I did not believe it was necessary, but he asked me to send him a draft, I can see myself getting a little annoyed. In the end, though, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. It's always helpful to have a fresh pair of eyes review an email.

But you ARE representing him. It's a touchy situation, I'd want to be sure I was well represented too.

Of course I'm going to do this by editing/suggesting changes which I would humbly suggest you take as this is a joint effort and there is a certain amount of teamwork necessary in a marriage.

I wouldn't be upset with it all. I ask my husband on occasion to read things I've written to make sure they are okay. I have a tendency to be blunt. He asks me to look over his correspondence every so often as well.

I just told my school-age girls a few weeks ago how important it is to have a second or third person look over what you've written - an editor - before you turn in an assignment. I view this along the same lines.

I don't think your husband was trying to insult you or doubts your abilities to write a letter. He just wants to make sure he's a part of the process too. Don't be offended, be happy he wants to be involved.

Good luck.

I'm definitely more of a hot head than my husband is. Maybe you are, too? If I'm about to send an email about a difficult situation in which I am upset, I absolutely have my husband read over it and "vet" it. I know my weaknesses and so does he. He helps me soften my tone if needed.

I would be frustrated by the babysitter, but she's in high school and handled it immaturely. That kind of goes with the territory unfortunately. You be the adult in the situation and say you understand and wish her well. With the husband, I might have a conversation about his perspective and why he thinks you might not write the most appropriate email.

I don't know either you or your husband, of course, so I don't know the dynamics of how you react when something is disappointing or upsetting. Could it be that he feels you might be too hard on the girl? My husband's writing is very "lawyer-like" regardless of who he is writing to, and sometimes I ask to read what he writes and I tweak it to make it softer. Sometimes he doesn't like it... Do I care how he feels about me not trusting his writing? Yes. Does it stop me from telling him that I want to read it first? No...

I don't know if that's what is happening with your husband. I can only speak for myself...

Actually, in this case, I would call the mother on the phone, and not bother with the email. Tell the mom that you got her email and that you are sorry that her daughter didn't feel that she could talk to you about it. And then let it go.

It's not your job to teach the mother or the daughter that her unwillingness to talk to her boss will just hurt her ability to get good jobs. She will learn the lesson, but without your help. However, the MOM might learn something from your phone call. And that might help the daughter in the long run. If you want to, you could kind of "go around about" by saying that you would rather YOU be the one who her daughter sends her mother to quit for her than her do it in a job that could hurt her future career possibilities. Maybe her mother will "get it" then.

As far as the next helper you get, you do need about ow to more clearly help your helper deal with your kids. It's one thing to tell her that they are a handful. Real life kicks in and all of sudden you're looking for another helper. Perhaps you have her watch what you do all day with them (with pay) so that she can see what you do that works as far as getting them to listen and behave.

Good luck - I hope you find someone who will stay the summer with you. And good luck with your husband...

His wording about your "representing" both of you sounds quite legalistic, as if he is on some level concerned that this girl or her parents could come back at your family over this somehow if you write the wrong thing to them. Is he like this in other parts of your life -- does he tend to worry about what people will think, or does he see things as "us versus them" when it's not really necessary? If so -- this is part of a larger pattern of his being defensive and wanting to ensure that your family puts on a certain face for the rest of the world. It also is, I agree, a disrespectful comment, though he may have tossed it off and not realized that it bugged you.

So...tell him. When the situation about the babysitter is done, I would find a calm time, no kids around, to tell him that you'd like to better understand what he meant by "representing us." Use a lot of "I" statements such as, "I felt that the message was my effort could not be good enough" or "I felt that this questioned my ability to handle the situation," but avoid accusatory-sounding "you" statements such as "You dissed my ability even to write an e-mail." This tactic helps prevent him from getting defensive. I think it's legitimate to ask him why he might feel that you needed help handling such a situation.

Meanwhile, the girl should have dealt with you directly and her mom should have told her to deal with you directly! The girl is a HS senior, not 10 years old. If the girl had issues she should have come to you openly and frankly. Not saying she's terrible, just saying she should not have let mom intervene for her when she's that old.

He may have been trying to help.

I know my husband has been willing to do the communicating in situations where I'm upset. If he offers to handle those hard conversations, I'm grateful, not feeling undermined or like I'm receiving a no-confidence vote. And very, very often, if I have to write an email regarding something which could be dicey, it's great to have a second set of eyes.

I don't know your husband do I don't know what he meant by what he said. I have had my husband ask me to show him what I am sending at certain times especally when I am mad to make sure stuff wont come accross the wrong way. We as mom's tend to get very defencive when it comes to our little ones. You might talk to him tonight about how you felt.

I'm sorry, but all the response needed is "OK" or "I understand" and a statement about when you will get her pay to her (if you owe her money).
What's to "respond"? She quit.
I can't imagine why my husband would want to see the correspondence.

He wants to see it, not a big deal. He wants to see what his son was doing.

I'd tell the girl thank you and that due to her leaving without notice she would only be getting her pay for her time and no other monetary rewards. She does not deserve any sort of severance.

If had been her mother I would have asked some questions of my daughter.

1. Did you tell the Mom about her kids and the difficulties you are having? If not, why?

2. Did the Mom say anything to you about the boys behavior? If so, what and what did she want you to do?

3. I also would have insisted that she talk with you personally regarding the situation and quit in person.

I would not have done that for my daughter. Her job, her responsibility. She may be in HS but she's not a baby. This was a teachable moment for this young lady but her mother didn't allow her daughter to be a mature young lady.

Now, what is your son's issue? High strung is one thing but this sounds completely different. Running in the parking lot? Yeah, my son did that once at the age of three, that never happened again.

Sorry, but your husband's request seems a little comical. It's a good thing this is the first time he has done something like this.

This situation is minor. The girl can't handle your son, so you find a new babysitter. No harm done on anyone's part.

But I guess if he insists that you run your email by him, you should do it. I'm not sure what objection he could have to an email to the mother such as: "Thank you for letting me know." That's about all you need to say to the mother.

Reading below: On the other hand, if you have a history of overreacting...

Perspective from HS babysitter/helper ~~ she is probably not assertive enough, in HS, to really tell you what is going on. She wants everything to be going well, and she wants you to think she is doing well, and does not want to cause waves. She will learn, with maturity, how to tactfully handle such situations.

Perspective from Hubby ~~ Yes, I completely understand where he is coming from. In fact, my husband and I had a similar situation where I was driving and I asked him to respond to a text for me and I told him what I'd like to say and he responded with something different. Not totally different, but different enough to where he didn't do as I asked, and the person on the other end thought it was me. From that point on, I've asked him not to reply to things from both of us without discussing them with me. But, in turn, I discuss things with him before I reply on our behalf.

I'm more sensitive about these things than my husband. I think those types of responses to in-laws or neighbors or friends or whomever should represent what we both think. We've had situations where he has innocently responded off-handedly without discussing it with me. There was no malice on his part, just a simple response that seemed obvious to him, BUT I had a different perspective or opinion on the matter then we had to go back and change our original statement or plan or whatever. This makes us look like doofs who can't get our s**t together. I hate this.

I think it's a reasonable request for you and hubbie to discuss this potentially sensitive matter then reply with an agreed upon response. He is right, it's from both of you and he deserves to have his say before an email it sent.

I think I'd be so po'd at the situation that I'd then be po'd at my husband too. ;) Honestly I don't have him review my emails much but he does ask me to review most of his for anything not totally job related. I'm sure he figures you're really mad (as you should be) and wants to make sure you're calm before you send something you might regret. Or - if you're not like me flying off the handle at stuff like this, just laugh it off. If in 11 years he doesn't question your judgement all the time, then no biggie this time... I'd be annoyed the girl didn't tell me herself. She's only in HS but pretty lame. And I"m sure you're frustrated you just lost your babysitter and had no notice or way to work with her on the situation. Bad day! Unless your husband always belittles you or doesn't trust your judgement, try not to be too mad at him. It does make sense for him to read the email. I've always had a full time nanny and do 99% of the dealings with the nanny but when something comes up, I actually find his take is helpful. I dno't manage people at work while he does so he has insights I don't. Maybe your husband is in work mode.

Yes, I would feel exactly the way you feel: annoyance and hurt feelings that my husband did not trust me to handle a simple email.
But, in the interest of moving on and not having hurt feelings, maybe just think of it this way: 1- your feelings are totally valid and others would feel annoyed and hurt if they were in your position; 2- your husband probably did not intend to micromanage you and just wants to be in the loop; 3- yes, table the response until you have had a night's rest.
I am sorry, what a frustrating situation. Maybe you can get away for a few hours this evening with some friends or do something that helps relieve some of the stress!