Need Support from Other Mothers

M.,

I ditto what everyone has been saying. You are not alone. This will pass and you will get stronger.

One other suggestion: Make some "Me Time" just for you. It could be just a few minutes, several times a day. Sometimes I would put myself in "Time Out". I told my child I was in "Time Out" because I needed to think before I reacted to a situation. He really did not understand the why, but he began to understand that mommy's have time out.

A little about me: I am a single mom with a full-time job who has raised 2 boys. Plus I have a successful home-based business: www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/CarolValdon

I don't think there's any way anyone could criticize you. You are doing nothing wrong. Life is next to impossible with little or no sleep, and it can certainly put a strain on your marriage. I can't really think of any advice, just that one day you really WILL be on the other side, as you said. (Not dead, just over this phase.)

Hang on, it will get better, and if you need to vent more all us mamas are here.

M.,

It sounds like you wrote the story of my life right now... You are truly not alone. What has helped me to remain calm and sane during these tough times is:

1. Breathing---

2. Remember..this too shall pass- whether it be the 10th tantrum of the day or financial worries-- it will pass.

3.They are only little once- if you can breath, smile and remember that patience is key, you will get through it.

4. Journal. Have your own journal that your write it, yell in,curse whatever, no censorship. Write what you feel and let it rest.

5. Get some "me" time. Even if that means telling your child that you are needing a time out. I have done this before and it works. When you feel frustrated or like you can't handle any more stress, go on a timeout yourself. Take five minutes to yourself in the bathroom or outside etc. (obviously don't leave your child unattended, but get them occupied and take a break.)

M., I think these things will help you. You will get through it-- we all have ups and downs in parenting and it truly is the best and the hardest job in the world. Your a great mommy and there will be a victory for you on the other side of your troubles. :)

Take care of yourself,

Molly

We've all had rough times like you. You are definitely not alone. A few suggestions:

1. sleep as often and long as possible, you need to heal and your nerves need to rest. beg your hubby to get up with your son on the mornings he can so you can sleep in. sleep during his naps. It isn't worth it to lose your sanity and affection for your family to have a clean house or meet everyone else's expectations. If you're doing stuff outside the home, take a break from everyone's expectations for awhile. have hamburger helper for dinner and ignore the calories, fat, etc.

2. call in the calvary!! - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, older neices & nephews, neighborhood or church teens looking for "work experience" for their resume or college application, home school kids wanting to get out of the house, community events where people watch your kids for free or small expense! Have them spend at least 2 hours at a time with your little one. You can even be home. They can play in the yard while you nap, you can do something fun for yourself - scapbook, read, watch TV, bathe, call your best friend and chat it up. If its family, try to get them to commit to an afternoon or morning once a week, every week. Be flexible with their schedule and they may be more available.

3. DATE NIGHTS - Let your parents/in-laws or family know how hard things are and how bad you need some time alone with your hubby. Ask them to watch your son every other week for one night so you can go out on a date with your hubby. Offer to trade if they have children at home or do some chore for them. Date nights can be free too - look for cheap or free things you can do with your hubby, especially stuff that gets you talking. When you talk things out with each other, you get the stress off your mind and out in the open and sometimes hearing the response from your spouse is super encouraging. Or just hearing that he's feeling the same gives you both a feeling of togetherness that binds you closer and helps you be easier on each other.

4. Walk - get out and walk. If its too terrible outside, go to the mall and walk there. Getting some fresh scenery for you both and a little exercise will really help clear your mind, give you energy and oddly enough, give you hope!

5. Be Thankful - focus on what you are thankful for and all the blessings you have. Its hard to feel overwhelmed when you have so much going for you.

6. When you feel overwhelmed and stressed out, give someone a hug...your son, the cat, your hubby, your girlfriend, the neighbor, cry if you need to and take some deep breaths. It just seems difficult right now, but it will pass before you know it and you won't even remember how hard it was a month after its over.

7. Reduce your "have to" list to 3 things a day or less. Do you have to get dressed to stay at home all day - NO. Do you have to make dinner from scratch every night - NO - PBJ's are just fine. Do you have to do every load of laundry or the sink full of dishes - NO - just what you need for the next day or next meal. Do you have to go grocery shopping - No - just have the hubby pick up the essentials on the way home.

8. Give your son some extra fun "toys" to play with in his crib or pack n play so you can take a break for 20 mins. plastic bowls and wooden spoons. several bowls with lids that stack inside. a bouncy ball. some fun music in the background. a fun show on tv. if you have a cat, introduce the two to the string. if you have a dog, show them how fetch works. the pets keep him entertained for a little while.

9. say to yourself "its ok. we'll make it through. its just a bump in the road. we're doing the best we can and that's enough. we have our health and we have each other."

I'll remember you in my prayers tonight. Post an update in a few days if you can.

You are not alone. Times are really hard for a lot of people right now, add to that a cranky toddler, and it all gets overwhelming. As for trying to manage your son have you ever heard of the happiest toddler on the block book and movie? If you can find it at the library or movie rental place and can rent it, I would highly recommend it. It gives you tons of different strategies for dealing with your little cave man. I saw the author speak live and his strategies really do work. If you can make one part of your life a little easier then maybe the other stuff won't seem so hard. Lack of sleep takes its toll on you too. It makes dealing with things more difficult. Try to get as much rest as possible even if it means skipping the cleaning and dishes to catch a few zzz's. Keep your head up and keep reaching out for help. You don't have to go through these things alone.

Hello M.,
There must be something in the air because I thought I wrote that =O) My only thoughts are these...know you are not alone! Know that you can make it though! and go for a walk or two. I know it's been really gloomy outside, but I find a good walk just evens my mental state as well as my daughters (and our dogs). It changes the scenery and just cleans our minds.
Also, pick your battles. I'm learning to let some things go and only ask her to do a few of my requests.
If you ever want to email, just let me know!
Best of luck...let us know how you're doing!
C.

i don't know enough about night terrors except i hear they are really tough and not to wake the child up. take naps when you can to catch up on sleep. my daughter has recently started the terrible twos at 16 months and a friend suggested saying "show me" when my daughter is frustrated and freaking out. it has helped and she walks me around to show me what she wants. it sounds like you are doing all the right things. hopefully this phase will pass and try to have a sense of humor with it. or at least a glass of wine. :) good luck

Excellent words of support from all these other moms, let's see if I can help with the night terrors. If it is actual night terrors: generally he would go through a spell at the same time every night, lasting a few minutes (perhaps even 10) at a time. He would be inconsolable and somewhere in between awake and asleep. Scary and upsetting for sure but perhaps avoidable. There are two things to think about. First, with our son they happened when he had a particularly tiring or overstimulating day. Think about the stage he's in at 19 months, learning so much all the time and imagination really taking off. So on those days that seem like more is going on, try to get him down earlier. Perhaps even look at his sleep schedule overall and consider moving his bedtime earlier (believe it or not at that age my son went down at 6:30). Also watch for his pattern. Our son pretty much has his terrors like clockwork (most kids do), one hour and 15 minutes after he goes down. If I fear one may come on, given a long bad day, I wake him gently and briefly after an hour of sleep, just to break his sleep cycle and "restart." This usually avoids them. If you do get still get them, as happens occasionally, don't wake him or move him, stay with him, pet his head, whisper SHH and MAMA'S HERE and EVERYTHING'S OK and GO BACK TO SLEEP... there's not much else you can do.

I think if you can manage a couple nights of decent sleep, you'll be better able to face the rest of the world. NO ONE can be expected to navigate life and marriage and parenthood on too little sleep. Good luck, lots of deep breathing and make it your mantra that this too shall pass.

One suggestion I would make ... sleep when he sleeps. If you don't get all the other "stuff" done ... so what. It'll still be there tomorrow to work through.

It'll give you more patience with him and with the hubs. AND you'll be less likely to get sick.

My oldest went through at least a year (might have been two or 2 1/2, it's been a long time since then) of night terrors when he was about two. They came on after we moved and daddy was gone on ship all the time (so yeah, stress induced). I finally gave up on getting everything done everyday and moved on to "what HAS to be done today?" What HAD to be done everyday. Food, sleep, baths, real time with the kids. THOSE took priority over EVERYTHING else. Dishes, laundry, vaccuming, etc etc etc fell by the wayside on days I was just too tired.

Good luck with it all. I know it's rough, but you will get through it. Also if you have family that can help by taking the kiddo once or twice a month overnight so you and the hubby can have some grown-up time together that might help too. Even if that grown-up time simply involves both of you getting some much needed uninteruppted sleep.

Have you tried duct tape???? Ok I was trying to make you laugh, dont panic :). There are all sorts of phases that the children go through. My son is going through his temper tantrum phase and being that he's so young it's almost futile to discipline him. Keep at it though because eventually this too shall pass!!!!! Bring in the in laws! LOL and get out of the house for yourself, even if it's just for a walk. You do need a break.