Need to Find Perspective--my "Helping" Husband Frustration

LOL that sounds familiar . . . the funny thing is that he probably sincerely believed that he was helping.

In my experience guys really need things S-P-E-L-L-E-D out.

A) Your husband took one look at your beloved spice cabinet and said, "Ah. Here's a door my wife uses all the time and so by painting it first, she'll have more patience for the remaining work and the ongoing construction zone we live in. She'll realize how much I am trying to help her during this chaotic time in our renovations." Needless to say he starts pulling the jars out and whatever convenient location they land is where they all land. I would almost put money on the fact that about somewhere around bottle 75 or so he thought to himself maybe I should have picked a more out of the way location. But since he was so far along, he stuck the course.
B) Don't let other people's opinions of your house bother you. Renovating your house is a mess. Plain and simple. Stuff piles up and the house is turned upside down. It's the price you pay for DIY and work in general. I recently went to my SIL's and their house was a complete wreck. They had to jackhammer out a tile floor. Oh my word. My only thought was 'poor woman...having to raise her kids in that mess.'

Say "Hey Honey, how about you and your friend Bob go out for a couple of beers tonight? I really don't feel like hosting, and it's hard enough with the mess we have. Plus I have a ton of work to get caught up on. Go have fun!"

Then the whole night is yours!

Angela S. has it exactly right. Almost all guys need it said straight and plain. No hints. If you have an order you want the painting done, then tell him. Other than that grin and bare it (No Pun Intended.)

If you have 150 spice jars on the floor, I sure they will fit in an apple box or a banana box. Then they will be off the floor and out of the way.

You should feel lucky that your husband is scraping and painting and not infront of the TV with a tall cool one in one hand and a remote in the other. Many, Many wives on this site can't get their husband to do any chores around the house. Your husband only chose the wrong order to do what you wanted done. If I were you, I'd feel lucky. You might even make him feel lucky (Pun intended!).

ETA: Alexis R. is correct, I too would have chosen a place to paint where my wife would have noticed it. My wanting my wife to be pleased that I was doing what she wanted would have had a higher priority than making the house look like a mess. My friends that would be upset by a mess wouldn't be invited over to my home during "fix-up". My dad had a phrase, "Friends come to the kitchen, company goes to the living room."

Good luck to you and yours.

Remember that you are lucky to have a husband around to "bother you"... at least this is what my mother's best friend said to her when my mother complained about the same silly issue. My mother's best friend lost her husband nearly 15 years ago at the age of 40. He died of a heart attack while out on his daily 10 mile run.

You can't use your kitchen tonight? Order out. Having company and the house is a mess? Pile it all in one room and shut the door. In the grand scheme of life, this is not a big deal at all. Susan often reminds my mother of this fact.

If it makes you feel better at all, my husband decided to pull apart our front steps the night before we had a dinner party for 10 at our home last month. My first reaction was to be angry, but I'm glad that I didn't. Instead I asked him if he would rather me have people come in through the garage. His response? No, but could I please bring him a pitcher of water because he was going to put the stairs back together that night so they would look nice for my friends. Sometimes their reasoning doesn't make sense, but I try really hard to assume a positive purpose on his part and go from there.

Tthings like that are the exact reason why I do all the painting and household repairs myself, lol. Whenever my husband tries to help it turns into a complete disaster. He and a friend of his are going to try and repair the siding and paint the outside of the house, we will see how that goes or if it even happens. At least your husband is willing to help you and do.some things. I would love mine to be a little more handy. I even had to put together all the baby furniture we got when I was so.pregnant I could barely move because my dh turns everything into a hot mess. Hes just not handy at all. Put your spices in a laundry basket and make a list of the order you would like him to do the painting and call it good :)

I think we are married to the same guy! We have been remodeling our house for a couple of years! I had back surgery 2 years ago, so I'm not able to do as much. In May, we were moving the wood flooring back into the house and he dropped his end on my foot. Yep, he broke it!

Mine does help so much but sometimes his "help" drives me up the wall!

Men do not seem to think about their actions having an effect on others. I suggest that your husband meet his friend for a dinner and maybe drinks out to catch up. Sounds like you have enough going on at home!

Aparently he knew about the visit before he started the painting. Did he think he was going to get finshed? If so why didn't he make it happen?

My personal opinion is that anyone who visits my house for the purpose of inspecting the cleanliness does not belong in my home. If someone is a good enough friend to visit your home, then they are a good enough friend that you can say "as you can see, we're renovating. I apologize that the house is a disaster." Suggest to your hubby that you go out to eat, given the state of the kitchen (and that it's too darn hot to heat up your home cooking), and that will allow you to relax a bit more. Then again, maybe your hubby and his friend will spend the evening doing what guys enjoy doing....home renovations! Your college friend may be an extra set of hands.

Who knows why your hubby chose the pantry door to do first. Would it have really been better if he'd done it last and left 150 bottles on the floor? In his mind, it was probably just one of the doors he needed to do, and he was starting to do multiple doors yesterday. He probably thought he was being helpful, so at least his heart was in the right place. A lot of men wouldn't have even bothered.

I know!
Remodeling/painting is one of the most stressful things.
And it can set perfectly happy couples at each others throats.
But - it will pass!
I have no patience or time for a yard sale so I just donate everything.
If you can bag/list everything - have a Goodwill or Salvation Army truck come pick up the stuff.
When a truck load of stuff pulls out of the driveway it's SUCH a load off my mind!
Don't clean for company - just go out.
The college friend is here to see you two, not your house.
If he insists on coming over - put him to work and/or sic the kids on him.
The spices can go into boxes for a few days and an old friend will have no trouble helping putting things in boxes.
I love my Hubby, but he can get himself into a logical loop sometimes when it comes to making some decisions.
It took him a month to buy a new truck and he talked himself into options and out of options and back into them again and he just NEEDED ME to remind him what he likes and what he'd be needing to make him happy.
Now he's had it for a week and he's thrilled and totally in love with what he got.
But the process of getting there was long and tortuous.

Um...I hope I'm wrong, and odds are that I am, but he sounds like he's picking at you. All the doors in the house and he chooses that one? He invites a friend over and your house looks like it's been ransacked by theives? I dunno...My other half is very helpful, but he doesn't set me up for failure like that...

I however handle things differenly when my SO tells me he can do things. I give him a time limit, say a couple of weeks, and if it's not done, do it myself or hire someone to do it.

So tell him to find a place for the spices, etc and move on. If it's HIS friend, let him come over guilt free seeing as he didn't consult you about the visit in the first place. Then let him go out of town for a couple of days and hire someone to paint the house, get caught up on your work and go play with your kids.

Sending good thoughts your way. :)

Having been to a "marriage enrichment" seminar this past Saturday, I have a comment or two. They say "boys will be boys" but we both know it doesn't stop when they grow up (or get married). ;)

See if this tactic works out for you. First, start talking to him with "I really appreciate your thoughtfulness to put my spices out of your way. I want to let you know that, in the future, I would really appreciate you giving me a chance to coordinate when to do any project in, or involving, the kitchen."

Then, just a "to let you know" part, you need to express how upset you are/were that any guest would be coming over at a time when I can't prepare a meal or snacks -- something like "I definitely feel all out of sorts and it bothers (bothered) me. I feel I am failing to be a good host. No matter how much "it doesn't matter" to you and your friend, it matters to me."

He will be more prone to listen to "facts". And he is mostly looking for your respect, how much you consider him to be the "man" you married.

Good luck! and do let us know how it all turns out!

First, have your husband take his friend out to a restaurant for the evening. Given the state of your home, your husband (who apparently wears blinders when it comes to 'mess') should have called to check in with you first.

(ah, there's a whole chapter in Little Women on the same situation!)

Second, sit down and talk with him. What helps my husband and I is making a plan and organizing our home improvement work so we're not tripping all over each other and the stuff isn't everywhere. Make a plan with him, which tasks get done in what order, etc.

Then, with all those piles.... don't wait until you are done sorting everything. Get those donations out of the house NOW. Get those pass-alongs to relatives over to them today, if possible. I understand it is a long process, but getting those piles out of the house, to the goodwill or the cousins or the dump...wherever they need to be, will feel good for you by the end of the day.

To me, this sounds like a mix-up of good intentions, dissimilar priorities and poor communication. Once you both get on the same page, this will feel better for you. And still-- he can take his friend out to dinner and stop by for the friend to 'meet the family'..in the living room, which you can quickly pick up. "Sorry you caught us during home improvement time...." smile and let it go. Good luck!

Sounds to me like he's going to keep doing this his own way. If it were me, I would get some estimates, check the bank balances, and present him with some professional alternatives. He probably will take this as an insult to...whatever part of their manhood makes men think they can do this stuff "better and cheaper" than professionals. Unless he actually had a bad experience with a contractor, his aversion is based on nothing. Maybe he would be open to your pointing out to him that at the current rate the project will take X months (or years!) and the pro can do it in Y weeks, plus you have done the clear-out already and that does not need to be done so the pro can start ASAP.

I'm sorry he's like this. I'm lucky that my husband is very willing to hire professionals for repairs and painting etc. so it's not an argument. Maybe your husband would respond to the idea that he's giving work to someone in this economy?

I don't think you're actually furstrated by your husband, but by the state of affairs in your house right now. You're just directing it at him, since he unintentionally added to the "pile".

Try to remind yourself that this is YOUR project, and thus - technically - YOUR fault, for good or bad.

I would suggest sitting down with him and maybe mapping out the order that you'd like to see things done (which doors or rooms get done first, etc.) and maybe mapping out a strategy to getting rid of the piles. Once you have that, you can work methodically and see an end in sight.

I totally do this to myself, as well. I get stressed out about a situaiton that I've created, and then I have to remind myself to not take my stress out on everyone else.
Good luck!

I dont have advice but I totally know how you feel.

Its like your dog chewing up your sofa cushion and when you get all pissed your dog looks at you with sad eyes like "What? This isnt good?"

My husband reminds me of a dog WAY too often!

Hang in there! I guess they mean well.....