Needing Advice/guidance, Please!!!

I don't have any real advice for you , but I can say that my 7 yr old son is the same way so part of it I believe is an age thing (just like terrible 2's). It's nothing you are doing wrong and she doesn't hate you. I am a SAHM and my son as I said is the same way lately. It could partially be connected to her being away from you for so long every day , it could simply be a way of her getting some attention , even if it's not good attention. Although I am home , I have 3 kids , the youngest being 2 so pretty demanding of my time still , and this has an effect on how much of my attention my son get's , so maybe I should take my own advice here!..lol.

Anyway I know you have to work , you have no choice , do you have any leave you could take? Maybe take a Friday and Monday off and have a long weekend together , go away to the beach , or just do stuff instead of rushing around to daycare , to work , back home , dinner and bed.

Just an idea , hope you work it out

My 8 year old had the same problem with mornings; hard to wake up, wouldn't get out of bed, defiant and difficult till we walked out the door.

I started going in 5 minutes before his alarm goes off and laying down with him. I just cuddle him and love on him, then when the alarm goes off I get up and turn on the light. It was amazing, he turned into a morning person! He really needed the gentle waking and time with me. It was a very easy and very effective fix.

Good Luck!

I just have a few things to add...I absolutely agree with the people that have said drop her off at camp in PJs if necessary, etc....BUT, before you do, you really need to let the camp administrators know of your plan. Call them in advance and tell them you've been having some challenges with your kiddo and one of them is getting out on time so you're instituting a new plan...tell them she may show up in pajamas and that is okay with you, tell them what to do and ask if they are willing participants. More often than not, they will be thrilled to help you with such a plan. Isn't is terrible that as adults we take joy in these things!! ;) If you just start doing this and the adults she sees regularly don't know, she will of course give them a horrible sob story about how terrible you are, which will surely be embellished and someone can and probably will call DFS on you and you don't need that.

Also I just want to say hang in there. It's great that you're looking for help and just remmeber to be consistent. Also, you might ask her dad how he disciplines her since it seems he doesn't have these problems. Finally, I think as women we have complicated relationships with our mothers. She does not hate you. As daughters I think we expect more of our moms than any other person on the planet and sometimes that just isn't fair. She loves you, she's just going through a tough time right now.

For a first step, I would quite arguing with her about getting up. Just tell her the night before that in the morning, she will be awakened, and then it is up to her to get ready for the day. If she doesn't do what she needs to (brush teeth, get dressed, bathroom, breakfast, etc) then she will go to camp "as is" when it is time to go. Still in PJ's? ... that's how she'll spend her day. No teeth brushed?.. I hope her friends at camp don't mind. Hungry?... She will survive until lunch at camp.
The end. Drop it.
The next morning... follow through. No matter how much you hate doing it. Explain to the camp folks what is going on, and that she may show up in PJ's hungry tomorrow... that you are working on getting her to be more responsible for her morning routine, not being neglectful.

It shouldn't take but once before she at least TRIES to get ready.

Has anything changed in her living arrangements/lifestyle in recent months? It sounds like she is screaming for attention from you. If you can figure out a way to spend some one-on-one "fun" time with her (or reading books at bedtime EVERY night) it might help. I know that my kids get more and more wound up and tune me out, etc on the days that we are rushed and I am distracted with other things. When I stop (being on the computer/the phone/ going through the mail/paying bills/ dealing with the dog/laundry/chores) and spend some time specifically with THEM (eye to eye, one-on-one) it makes a WORLD of difference...
good luck.

My friend of mine, a single parent with 3 kids of varying ages, had a hard time with her son. Like your girl.
She got him, through the "Big Brothers, Big Sister's" organization, a Big Brother and signed him up in this program. It is a mentoring program for kids.... this made a real big difference in her son... and it helped Immensely.
Here is the link:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16...

It helps one-on-one and providing a good role model for the child and other activities. Its free.
Maybe there is one in your area.

all the best,
Susan

J.,
I feel for YOU ,But, DON'T put up with this behavior another second.
I have 3 grown kids and am raising 2 grandchildren. The things that worked for me were 1), making her go to bed earlier if she can't get up after going to bed @ her normal time, and I have moved it up 30 minutes each time the child didn't want to get up at the new time,2) I would talk to her Father and get him on board with what acceptable behavior is (hopefully ,for your sake as well as your daughter's he would want her respecting you. And he will back you up about punishment. 3) Don't take anything she says personally, she's testing you to see how far she can push you ,4) don't react to her verbal or physical behavior( easier said than done, ) until you are sure you can calmly respond. If you let her see you all upset ,her mission is complete. 5) let there be consequences,.... and this is a biggie, follow thru on what you tell her. if you don't, everything is for naught and nothing will change. As she gets to be a teen, you are in for a Challenge. If it means she doesn't get to go to a friends house, the movies or whatever,.. she'll eventually get it , take away some of her fav things for a period of time, or until you feel she has earned them back. Try talking to her to find out what all this is about, but, at her age she may not be able to identify the why or what that causes her to act like this. On the flip side ,reward her when she is good, make time to spend with her, she may be angry that you don't spend enough time together and she wants your attention (just like she has her Dad's when she's with him). Best of luck, have patience and faith and be CONSISTENT. C. S..

I have been there! my son is 10 and I just got remarried a few weeks ago to a wonderful man who is a great stepfather. But wow, it is hard when you are effectively the only parent! Especially when the dad 'never sees' any of the bad behavior ( and why should he, when they just hang out a few days out of the month and your kid is smart enough to know not to mess with 'dad-time') and it seems like you are a rotten mom because this is happening to you!!

Deep breath- my son did these same things at the same age but we got through it. I also lost my temper when I didn't want to, was late for work, etc.

1) You need to try and get you and your daughter on the same side. Right now, it is her against you. Whether she is angry about the divorce, mad that you are not home more, or just wants to sleep in, the end result pits you against each other.

One of the first big conversations I had with my son, that I repeated OVER AND OVER is this " We are not always going to agree with each other. We will get mad at each other and sometimes say mean things or lose our tempers. But that NEVER means we don't love each other. We love each other and we always say 'sorry' for losing our tempers."

That mantra continues in our house to this day. You and your daughter need to know that these things are going to happen- but you always love each other, It sounds like she needs this reassurance.

2)The second thing I learned is the 'dog attention' rule. With a dog, there is no 'good attention' or 'bad attention' - only ATTENTION. This is totally true with kids going through a divorce, I think. Your daughter wants attention. From you and her dad. Since he is not there, you are getting the lion's share of her attention-seeking. On a very real level, she does not care if it is 'good' happy attention or 'bad' she -is making-you-mad attention. She just wants you and is acting out any way she can make that happen.

On a practical level, here are some things I did:

1) I got my son his own alarm clock and set it early. He had to get up out of bed to turn it off, which just helped to get him OUT of the bed. Of course you can also do the old 'lay out the clothes the night before, etc' stuff- anything to save time in the morning, but getting up is key. (to encourage you, I will now say that he gets up all on his own about 20 minutes before I do, gets dressed, feeds the dogs and makes his own breakfast most mornings- amazing!)

2) You don't have a choice about day camp, I know. Make sure your daughter understands that. You would much rather be home with her, but you HAVE to work. Point out things around the house that she likes and explain that your work is what earns the money to get them.

Set up some special little treats for her- give her positive reasons to want to get up and get going. Remember- lower the bar, make it easier and more fun, not harder. Decide WITH her if she gets up tomorrow, you will go get ice cream sundaes for supper or set up a play date with a best friend at the swimming pool- but she must get up for day camp the day before for it to happen, Make a yummy special breakfast one morning a week (who can resist maple syrup and pancake smell wafting through the house?) etc. Positive association is the key.

3)My son was always ONLY mean to me, lol. He was so polite- everyone told me he was such a well-behaved child! My mom was visiting and he made the mistake of being mean to me in front of her- and boy did Grandma shut THAT down right away! She took him home from the park and to his room and gave him a serious talking to about how much I loved him and how it was never all right for him to talk to me in that mean way.

my point here is - get help! If you can't get Dad on the same page, get some assistance from anyone else your daughter looks up to or feels secure with and wants approval from. Have Grandma call first thing in the morning for a wake-up call and a report on what your daughter plans for day camp that day! Have her dad call her in the mornings too, if you need to ( at least then he'll see you aren't exaggerating!)

You don't have to do this all alone- I am honestly touched by how many of my SAHM neighbors are willing to help out because they know I work full time. I know it can seem embarrassing to ask for help, but being a martyr about this won't help you or your daughter,

Honestly, this is just going to take TIME. And the homework issue will be the same way when school starts. But she will outgrow this as long as you keep being consistent with how you deal with it. Remember - lower the bar, don't raise it. Make it a good thing to get out of bed, not a fight waiting to happen. Try as hard as you can not to stress out- remember to spend time with your daughter doing something you both love when ever you can and reinforce your love for one another and think of that when she makes you crazy!!

Good luck- message me if I can help you at all!!!

I just have to respond to this because I went through the exact same thing 6 months ago with my daughter, who just turned 8. She would ignore me or flat out disobey and would throw a TOTAL fit if she didn't get what she wanted (screaming, rolling around on the floor, the whole bit). It got to the point where I didn't even want to be around her. I felt like the worst mother in the world because she was so out of control.

What turned it around for me was when I realized she was mimicing MY angry behavior and needed more loving attention from me (as you have realized as well). Whenever I talked to her, it was because I wanted her to do something and then I would get angry when she didn't do it fast enough-- I wasn't showing any interest in what she was doing and I only told her I loved her when I dropped her off at school. So most of the exchanges we had were angry ones (instigated by me) and she started mimicing MY bad attitude! (duh! you wouldn't believe how long it took for me to figure that one out!)

So I just started making a point of giving her a LONG hug and telling her I loved her whenever the thought crossed my mind to do it (several times a day). I also made sure that when I saw her for the first time in the morning and when I picked her up from daycare, I was REALLY excited to see her again. At first, I faked it a bit, I must admit (it's hard to work up excitement when you think you're in for an evening of battling it out, and even the smiling "I love you"s were a bit forced at first). But after only a week, there was a major change in her behavior (and my attitude). So in my case, killing her with kindness really did work. I've continued with this and I can't remember the last time she had a fit about something. We have a day every once in a while where one (usually both) of us is in a bad mood, but otherwise, things are going really great.

In terms of waking her up in the AM, you might try creeping her bedtime earlier each night (we start bedtime at 8), and sleeping with the curtains open. If she needs them closed to go to sleep, open them before YOU go to bed. It is amazing how helpful natural light is at waking you up. Then wake her up early, very lovingly (lay down and cuddle with her for a few minutes). When you're sure she's alert enough, tell her you're coming back in 5 minutes and it will be time to get out of bed when you come back. Ask her if she'd like to start the day with everyone happy, or with screaming. Have her actually answer, and then ask what she needs to do to start the day on a happy note (get out of bed without a fuss when you come back). Think about how YOU would like to be woken up-- would you like someone to come in, turn on the light and say "rise and shine!" or would you rather be woken slowly? I'm in the "slowly" camp and find it very annoying to have someone peppy tell me to wake up-- it makes me want to bury my head in the pillow. Maybe she's the same way.

I wish you both the best. You really CAN turn this around-- I know. But it really truly has to start with YOU and changing not only how you react to her bad behavior, but how you interact with her all the time. Thinking about how I want my daughter to act really helps me stay calm when things are going badly because I know now that I have to show her how to behave (not just tell her). I would love to hear from you in a week or so to see how things are going for you. I know this is a frustrating process, but you can do it!

I agree that your daughter wants more attention from you, and more control for herself. The resistance to getting up or cooperating gets her both.

I'm very much into compassionate and empathetic parenting. They get very good results with my 4yo grandson, and his mommy when she was little, and several other young families I know have happy and positive results with this approach. You can find out more about it in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

I think it will not only help you deal effectively with this common enough "kid" behavior, but you might communicate better with each other, as well. This book teaches you how to listen to your daughter's issues and give her an opportunity to come up with her own appropriate solutions (yes, kids can do this!), but also shows you how to present your own needs and limits in a way she can hear better.

Let's just start by saying you are NOT a bad mom and she does NOT hate you. The thing with kids, and many adults, is often they can be at their worst around the ones who love them and who they are comfortable with. Gee...isn't that a blessing to know? Yes, enter sarcasm here.

I don't know if you and her dad were ever together in raising her or any history of the family. What I do know is behavior. EVERY behavior a child (or adult) exhibits is there for a reason, it serves a function. It sounds like your daughter is hell bent on controlling the situation and you instead of the other way around. The problem with the morning routine is there's no natural consequence for her. It's all about you getting to work, which I can assure you she doesn't give a flip about.

So...the consequence to the negative behavior must match in manner and intensity the behavior displayed. Start the night before and let her know when you wake her, it's time to get up. If she chooses to continue the zoo that has become your morning, you refuse to let it continue. Let her know she is old enough to get out of bed when you tell her to and if she chooses otherwise, she'll go to camp in her jammies, with her hair and teeth not brushed. She needs to get herself ready while you are getting yourself ready. So, be ready for her to test you. Be ready for her behaviors to get worse (which I'm sure you can't imagine but kids are ingenious at this stuff). IF you choose to make the consequence about her and not you, be sure you're willing to send her to camp in her pajamas. She'll try to call what she thinks is your bluff. Plan accordingly. As you're dragging her to the car in jammies she will inevitably beg to get dressed and so forth. That's often when my families break. Don't let her or you've handed her the control wrapped in pretty silver paper.

I know it seems harsh but when my families have tried it, it works. It only takes a time or two before the kids are up and ready on time.

Sounds cliche, but she's looking for attention from you. Having said that, I would suggest the following...

-Have a heart-ot-heart conversation with your daughter that is short, sweet and to the point. Explain to her that you are frustrated right now b/c you feel like your relationship is not in a good place and that you are angry more than you would like to be. Tell her that there will be a new system in the house b/c this one isn't working.
- Make a large chart that will allow your daughter to work towards fun time with you. I have done sticker charts with children; pathways that lead toward mom/dad; coins in a jar... make it very visual and tied directly to compliance.
- Wake her up at the same time each day. Set a timer for 10 minutes and let her know that she can earn a sticker/point/coin for getting out of bed before the timer goes off. Do the same thing with each part of her day that is a challenge. When she earns the sticker, it goes on the chart and doesn't come off- no matter what!
- Make it easily attainable at the start... she should be able to earn the choice time within a couple of days. Then, slowly increase the expectations to every-other-week reinforcement and eventually once-a-month.

I am a psychologist and have used this method with my families. Remember that attention is attention- good or bad! She's getting feedback from you and is extending her time with you by dragging her feet. Very often, if children know that they will soon have 1:1 time to spend with a parent they will look forward to earning as much time as they can get!

Sounds like she wants time and attention from you--but I totally get that you don't have much choice as a single parent.

Is your ex able to contribute more money to allow you to have SOME of the time be nanny time instead of the group care? Sometimes, as fun as camp/group can be, the individual attention is what kids crave.

Also...Just like her emotional behavior stresses you, you can bet that YOUR stress level is affecting her too. Now you are both in a repeating pattern---and it is hard to break that. Try REALLY hard not to react.

If you have a decent relationship with her dad, I would definitely enlist his help in trying to change the child care situation somewhat, or even having her spend a bit more time visiting him.

You need a break, and this obviously isn't good for her either.

You are not a bad Mom, but you just need more help, and her dad should be willing to help.

I have had conflict with one of my kids, and I just read some advice in a magazine from a parent that really helped me see things in a new light: She said to make sure you never ASSUME that you know what a child is thinking, ask and listen.
I think this is good advice! I realized I have had misunderstandings with my son, based on me thinking I knew what he was thinking. Kids process and think differently than adults--they have a different world view. Violence, hope, death, love, anger, fear....these are different for a child with very little life experience, and very little sense of logic.

Oh my, I'm so sorry for you! I remember a few mornings acting like this as a young kid and my parents told me if I didn't get dressed and eat before school, they would drop me off with bedhead and in my pajamas... and they were not joking, so that helped with us. Or tell her she needs to bathe and get dressed for school at night an then she can just roll out of bed into the car and brush her hair and teeth in the car. It may scare her enough to make some incentive to get ready.

Really, you need to talk to her school counselor when school starts, for one so they understand the tardiness and to help watch out for behaviors.

It sounds like she jst may be a lonely and angry little girl. And I know you are trying and working so hard, and it gets exhausting, but losing your temper will only make it worse for both of you. I can only suggest to give as much positive reinforcement that you can. Have a clear chore chart and rewards and as much family time as you can squeeze in. Choose your battles. Even on nights she is in trouble, take her out for ice cream, try to recapture that mom and daughter time. Tell her you are proud of her and know she has so much potential. She needs to feel that confirmation of love and faith you have in her.

Give her incentives to be good, like if she can help be ready in the morning, you will put the door back on and things like that. I know, that many kids, once they feel like they have gotten into so much trouble and have had things taken away, they don't feel like they have anything left and their behavior will only worsen as they begin to feel worthless and like a big burden.

Perhaps try some family counseling again, even if it is just with a church program. This book is simple, and talks a lot oabout parenting younger children, but it has many techniques to help with older kids as well. I has ways to help calm down and focus on the problem and creating better situations as a parent as well.

The Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Better-Behaved Child : For Birth to Age Ten by D. William Sears

http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Everything-Better-B...

Good luck!

She seems old enough to have a conversation with about why she is acting like that. Do you guys do anything fun together? Maybe when you get home set a date to have some fun. Paint nails together, pick a show that you both can watch together and just have some fun. It is summer after all!
I know not much changed with your schedule, but summer should be the time to relax and have fun.. Maybe plan a trip or just an outing at a park, zoo playground or pool.

Have you tried asking her what the problem is? Or maybe having a family member ask her. There is never just a way to fix it but working with kids for so many years some kids act out for attention. I know that it is difficult having to work full time but maybe scheduling a mother daughter day where she gets to pick what to do might just open her up a little to find out why she is so upset. I am sorry to here that you went through all that counciling and it did not help. Talking to teachers and other adults that are with her alot might give you some insight as well. The best advise that I can give you is to keep the lines of comunication open. I hope that this helps

my heart completely goes out too you and I am so sorry your dealing with such a hard time. The only advice that comes to me as I sit and read this is that you two need some quality time together. Sometimes sacrafices need to be made to find a solution. If anyone in your family can finacially help you to take a week off and take your daughter somewhere just you and her..... Time and love and attention is what is needed in my opinion. I don't see how it can get fixed unless you build the trust and love between the two of you again. She needs to trust you and needs to see your putting her first in your life and not your job. So if you can plan a week together, get someone to help you with other children if you have it, grandparents or dad. Maybe plan the vacation near the grandparents for the sibling or whatever is needed. Take time off and enjoy your daughter again.

Look into Dr. Ray books. He is fantastic! You can also listen to him on the radio. It really just sounds like your a bit overwhelmed and having a hard time setting consequences that will motivate her. She may be feeling like she really would just like some MOM time.

http://www.drray.com/tips.htm

Just another morning suggestion - get a playlist of her favorite songs of the moment and turn it on pretty loud in her room in the mornings. I have gone thru the same kind of frustration cycles (single mom, HAVE to get to work, etc), but finally I learned that just because my son wanted to spend his day upset and mad doesnt mean I have to chose to do so... I couldnt control how he was feeling (though I tried to understand and help) I could only control how I was reacting. And I was NOT a happy person! Rather than end up living every day with that horrible feeling of anger and frustration and dread (honestly work was a relief!), I chose to be happy. Music is awesome for this! When you wake up in the morning, put on YOUR favorite songs and sing at the top of your lungs and dance around while getting ready in the mornings. Force yourself to smile and laugh often - if she calls you a name, look her right in the eye with a mean look and say "And you are PURPLE" and then laugh like an idiot and MOVE ON (calling someone a name means absolutely nothing, it is done to get a rise out of you so it is purposely chosen to be something you will react to... call their bluff and call them a completely idiotic nonsense name like "PURPLE" -- seriously, say the word a few times really slowly out loud and it starts sounding really funny :) When you are singing and dancing and she is sulking every now and then grab her arm and twirl her while you are laughing. Basically just refuse to respond with anything but fun while you keep things moving. Encourage her to sing and dance to her music too.

All I am saying is that in addition to everything else everyone said about giving her more attention, getting some quality time together and talking with her seriously about the situation, do your best to get the mood of your house one that is not all about conflict. I know for me once i get into that "zone" of being angry it is darn near impossible to get out and tends to spiral quickly downward and ruin the entire day. I have to make a conscious choice that I wont let that happen (for my own sanity - if mom is unhappy, everyone in the house is unhappy!). So when he really ticks me off, I quickly close my eyes and make myself either cough or laugh or even burp (which often lightens his mood :) - anything to break the trend and distract me. If you have to put your fingers up and pull your mouth into a smile (yes, it looks goofy and you should laugh at yourself). Give her a signal - tell her that every time you start to get upset you are going to sing a certain song (badly), so she better not laugh at you. (hehe). I used to go into my sons room in the morning and start singing "Good morning sunshine" REALLY loud and bad and when he complained and pulled the covers over his head and said go away I said "Not until you are in the shower" and sang louder!

Think about this a little - when you are late and driving in traffic and you accidently cut someone off... they start honking and giving you the finger and you can see them yelling at you thru their window. Its easy to get defensive and honk back and get angry and all that... You know you screwed up but it was an accident. That used to ruin my whole morning. Now when I do that, I visibly shrug my shoulders and put my hands up so they have an indication I am sorry, then I visibly smile laugh and wave bye like a kid at them. This does two things for me - it keeps my mood from going down and affecting any more than that single moment in my morning, and second it drives them nuts and ruins THEIR whole morning (which also serves to lighten my mood :). Dont let a single moment of anger and frustration dictate your mood for the day, do something crazy to break it immediately before it starts to boil up. With your daughter if it is something serious you can always address it once you are calm (say "I cant talk to you right now, the music is calling me" then go dance to your favorite song for 3 minutes singing loudly, force a smile with your fingers in front of her, then sit down and talk to her about the issue).

Good luck, I feel for you! Remember - you cant control her actions or reactions, only your own! And life is way too short to spend even one minute longer than necessary in a bad mood, or to allow someone else (even someone you love) to do that to you. Get your own feelings under control and up and then work on bringing her up with you... (in a plane they always say to put YOUR mask on first, to save your life first, BEFORE helping your child... you cant save anyone if you are dying yourself!)

And off to work I go now :)! Have a GREAT day! (whether you want to or not! :-)) LOL

Children need attention. In their mind any kind if attention, even negative attention, is better than not receiving any attention at all.
I am a working mom too, I understand the necessity of providing for your family, but I also know that spending all day in daycare is NOT the best option for a child. I know we don't want to admit it, and yes, we do have great providers, but it is simply NOT what our kids NEED.
Since you can't change your need to work, try to spend more quality time with her. You may want to start out in family therapy (yes, both of you together) to get a start. A family therapist can help you evaluate you probably very busy schedule and how you can get more quality time with your child in. They can also give you some pointers for handling discipline.

You are probably not a bad mom and she is probably not a bad child - just one that needs more parenting, love and connectedness than daycare can give her for 10+ hours a day.

Good luck.

I've got a suggestion for the mornings...i do like what Abbi suggested...extra time for cuddle/talk if you can. Also, try this to wake her up...go in her room 15 min before she has to get up and turn the light on...the lightness will wake her up gradually.
Also, definitely establish the talking time mentioned before. I agree she wants your attention--good or bad.
Tell her that you'd like to have a half hour every night to talk about everything and anything she wants and she will have your undivided attention. It's OK to tell her you're not happy with the way things are and that you're trying to make some changes and you'd appreciate it if she'd give it a try. Good luck!

I had one JUST LIKE HER so I know EXACTLY what you're going thru about. I wondered at times if I'd SURVIVE!!! From the ages of 2-4 we had revolving therapists coming to the house for her, speech therapy, behavior theraphy, you name it! During those years she would say, "I be the Mama and you be the daughter". When she was in the bath tub she'd ask me questions and when I'd answer she'd say "very good" like she was the teacher. She could get REALLY mean too!! The grocery store scenes were just plain scary, (as in face down on the floor screaming for all she's worth if she doesn't get her way). Therapists told me not to take her to the store. That works fine but only part of the time, that is until you get REAL HUNGRY! I remember one time after dragging her screaming to the car, I buckled her in her car seat closed the car door and then noticed their were 4 different people standing by their cars watching me, they probably wondered if I was kidnapping a kid!!! Around the age of 6 we took her to a physiatrist who had her diagnosed as ADHD in 20 minutes. I hate to admit that we put her on meds because I'm into nutrition but it may have help save my life. She's been to many therapists and I've called them at night in tears. I also tried a number of different things. We've had her on number of different meds, Concerta and Buspar seemed to work the best, she's been on them for quite some time now. (Changing her diet was/is not an option since the rest of the family brings the pop/junk into the house.) Part of the problem is, she's a leader/controller and I'm the opposite but I REFUSE to let her run my life!!! Another problem I had was that NO ONE really understood what I was going through even though they thought they did! Everybody tries to give advice, but their situation is always a little different and it DOESN'T WORK with this kind of kid so really, many times the Lord was the only one who really understood my situation! The Lord is the REAL REASON I survived, he gave me hope! HE ALONE gave me the strength to continue on!!! Fast forward to today, there is light at the end of the tunnel. She is now a teenageer and acts better than ever before though. She gets A's & B's in school, can stand up for herself quite well and is quite attractive. She is still on meds but I'm going to try to start weaning her off them since I can at least now reason with her. She's been concerned about her weight and at least now is starting to understand the concept that unhealthy/fattening food tend to make you fat and that it's not something I made up to punish her with, that may help with cutting the meds! She's not into nutrition yet but I feel there IS HOPE, that she'll someday be past the denial stage! If you need support, call me, ###-###-####. BEST OF LUCK to you dear!!!

I know you have already posted your update, but I just wanted to throw it out there, maybe she would like to take a day and skip school and you take off work and do lots of fun things. Get your nails done, go see a movie, go to lunch, go to the park, bake cookies, go to ride go karts or something fun in nature that she LOVES doing that you dont do all the time or ever. I think that would lighten the mood maybe and then you can talk to her over lunch and just ask her why she is doing these things? if she responds with something like you are never home or so on and so forth, then you can explain to her that you are doing your best to make money so you and her can live where you live. I mean, just be honest with her. I wish you the best of luck!

Looks like you got a lot of answers, but here's mine. Have you ever watched SuperNanny? It's a great show on Style and it's taught us a lot on our toddler just from toddler tantrums and bed time without getting aggravated or spanking.

When your child acts up, yes it is for attention because she knows with you she can get away with it. So, when she starts, you first give her a warning. If she doesn't stop, she sits in time out for 7 mins (goes by age; if she were 8 then she'd sit in time out 8 mins). If she continues to get out of time out, you keep putting her in it and eventually she'll stop. Now, you may need to work on time out more in the evenings until she gets it because otherwise if you start this in the morning, he nor yourself will get ready. Once she understands time out, then you can start it in the morning. After she has sate for 7 mins, then you get down to her eye level and explain to her why she was in time out. Get her to apologize to you and end with a hug and kiss. What we do with our toddler is tell her if she isn't good, she'll end up in time out and she usually straightens up.

Not everyone will agree with this technique, but it sure worked for us. We plan to use it for our 2nd daughter too, but she's only 6 weeks old so she won't be doing time out for awhile. Our toddler sure has been in time out quite a bit, but now she understands what it means.

Good luck with everything!

As a daughter that grew up with a single, working mom, I can tell you that she just wants your attention. Carve out a little time every night to do something together. My mom and I would "rock and talk" where I would sit with her in the swing and we would talk about our day. Other times, we would play chinese checkers or ride our bikes together. Sometimes she would let me play beautician on her. lol Just a few minutes of fun time a day will make a big difference and will show her a different (fun!) side of you.

In my opinion, I believe Joanna C gave you the most accurate response. I have seen the same among a couple of friends and one of my nephew went thru this as well. My sister-in-law is so sweet but she has short fuses, my 9 year-old nephew was mimicing her behavior and attitude for a long time, and then when she took him to the doctor, she said the same Joanna is suggesting. It may or may not, but I think..it is....We, moms, have to watch our reactions and keep a good attitude in front of our kids. It is hard to control our difficult moments and impatient, but it shows and the kids grow learning to responds the way we respond. A couple of years ago, my kid went thru that phase too. I changed myself and I learned little bu little to control my frustration and everything changed with him for good.
Hug your daughter, read with her, tuck her in at night and increase peaceful moments, minutes with her during your time together. Remark the positive things on her and let her know with kind words the way you feel when she reacts in a bad way, and find together a better way to deal with those outbursts or bad reactions. You can do it.
Good luck!

This child is desperate for your attention. You may not want to hear this, but the wholistic solution to your problem is to give her more of your time. Move in with your parents, work at night, and be home with her during the day. She needs you. Otherwise, you are looking at some even MORE serious behavior problems as she hits puberty in a few years, especially without a father in the home. Wednesdays and every other weekend is not enough to influence her enough to keep her from seeking male attention wherever she can get it. Look seriously at the CAUSE of her behaviour rather than just trying to change the behaviour.

Your daughter doesn't hate you and you're not a bad mom....but...she is in a way saying that she needs you. It's so hard not to take this all personally, I do sometimes as I am a single mom of a 10 year old girl. But honestly, I think she just needs you now more than ever. And as hard as it is to turn off being angry and try to be compassionate, it's probably what she needs most right now.

One more comment though you got some really great advice already - the book Anatomy of Peace is a really amazing book for opening our eyes about our relationships with others and how we sometimes get trapped in these downward spirals where it seems impossible to get out.

Though it's actually a really great book for everyone who just wants more meaningful relationships with others. I've been dealing with anger issues with a couple of my kids too, I do think they all go through it. Good luck!

What Abbi R. said..... Same works for my kids =-) Plus, I agree that she is wanting more of your attention but she is expressing her feelings as best as an 8 year old is able.

You are not a bad Mom! We all go through stuff like this!

Sounds like you got the correct advice. Good luck!

I agree in the fact that she may need more attention but she also needs ALOT of tough love too!! This is insane for you to be treated like this. Mother Daughter relationships can be hard but if you two can find common ground at such a young age the teenage years might be a bit easier. If you don't get this under control now by the time she's a teen she will be a nightmare. Good Luck

Hi J.,
I am so sorry to hear your struggle. I really wish I could come there and help you. You both could use some r & r and some affection.
To be honest I am not even sure where Florrisant is. I was born and raised and lived most of my life in Kansas City, Missouri. I am currently in Saudi Arabia with my husband.
It is better to have tools and some hands on help. Is there a local church that is non-denominational? Have you ever gone to church? I would recommend finding one. Ask them for some help. Also, look online for something called "Growing kids God's way". I have seen children that were guided and directed in this manner and they are very well behaved. I am also not against spanking if it works for you. We had one son it did not work so well with. But he was definitely a challenge and was until about 6-8 months ago. But he has lived out on his own for 8 years.
Hang in there. You are welcome to write me at my email address,
____@____.com, anytime.
Take care and be strong. You are the mom and in charge. You are a good mom. Good moms ask for help and different ideas to be even better moms.
K.

I feel that your daughter is looking for attention. She is not home with you very much --7:30 - 6pm is much too long for a child to be at school/daycare.
Perhaps she blames you for the breakup with her dad. Keep your anger under control. Let her know when it is time to leave-it is up to her to get up. If she is not ready put her in the car in her PJ's and take her to school. You may have to do that a few times but she will get up and get ready on her own. She seems like an angry child and it is up to you to find out what is bothering her.
Good luck.

I used to do this late thing when I was about 7 years old and my mother did all the things you have done. My mother didn't work out of the home but did have 3 other children at home. One morning after I purposely missed the bus AGAIN she put the baby in the stroller and we walked to school, a long walk by the way. I was so embarrassed I never missed the bus again. This may not be possible for you to do with your job but just an thought on breaking the late problem. On the other hand your child needs you, I had my mother home and that wasn't my problem. If I could do anything over in raising my kids, and I would do a lot over, one would be my tone of voice. Without realizing it at times you are saying things 'like get out of bed now' and what you say is not the problem but how you say it. You're in a rush and you just don't hear yourself. If you say it not as an order and give her time to wake slowly like someone suggested that should help a lot. My mother would do the 'rise and shine' cheerful voice loudly and that set me off immediately as I was not cheerful yet.
I do agree that the main issue here is your daughter needing you and your time and interest in her life and hard as it is to fit it in it's the main thing in your life now.