Needing Help for 2 Things

The best thing is to let them cry, night after night, it is so hard, but they eventually give up once they realize you are not going to come and comfort them whenever they cry for you.

Been there before. I started with bed time on the couch close to me did that until she fell asleep within a reasonable time, like 15 minutes after laying down, then we moved to a place on the floor where she could see me, then I just kept moving her closer to her room until she would actually start to go to her room in the middle of the night. The crawling in beds thing I fixed by first making a makeshift bed of blankets on the floor in my room next to my bed. If she came in she could sleep there, but not with me. Then I just consistantly moved the bed closer to her room and she finally stayed in her own bed. Took about a year before she stopped all together.

with the fits, for my son the only thing that worked was putting him in his room and shutting the door. He couldnt come out until he showed me his happy face (a smile even through tears). After only a little while of this if he started to throw a fit I could say "go to your room to throw a fit" and he would run in there, slam the door, sometimes cry a bit but sometimes open it right back up and show me a smile and be happy. He got the attention for the happy face but not the fit. The closed door was essential in the "walking away" or "ignore" technic in our family.
starting at about 4-6 months my children went into their own room with a shut door (we used a monitor). This way they werent kept up wondering what they were missing out on, it was dark except for a night light and quiet. We have never had problems with them climbing into our bed because it has never been an option and our problem now is how to get them asleep when we are all together visiting family or in a hotel. We have a bedtime routine of stories, milk, prayers, songs and a specific bedtime song just for tucking in. Because they are in their own room they sometimes get up and play for a bit but since I ignore it unless they get loud they usually are asleep within half an hour. Wehave had nights when it took HOURS for them to go to sleep but they couldnt come out of their rooms and we tuck them in every 30 min or so but nothing more then a goodnight. When my kids get up in the night they get cup/bottle of milk and a diaperchange if needed and their goodnight song. I always wake up in the night starving and figure they arent old enough to put themselves back to sleep if that is the case. I also found that I was resonding too quickly and have a 5 minute response time unless the crying or yelling is destressing. over half the time they are back asleep after a holler or two. I know I have some very good kids but it worked for me. Consistancy is also very good. If its not ok to sleep in mommies bed one night but is the next they will keep trying. Good Luck, Jen

Personally...I think all of these issues can be handled the same way: consistency. For the tantrums, how many times in a row have you handled the situation the exact same way? My advice is to completely disengage from him when he acts like that so that there is NO payoff whatsoever to him acting like that. Don't even say out loud "okay I'm walking away because you're having a fit." Just simply calmly walk away. Every single time. Of course this will get worse before it gets better because he wants to test and see what your breaking point is. Even if he makes himself throw up. I would just let him sit there in it until he calms down and then just casually clean him up and move on. You have to have the exact same reaction every single time for many times in a row before you see a change. If you react differently one time out of ten, it's worth it to him to see if this is the time.

Same thing with him waking up at night...don't go in there! Ever!!! He will pull out all the stops but as soon as he sees it's not going to work, he'll give up. It only took 3 nights w/each my kids for this night time waking thing to stop.

As for your daughter...same thing. Put her in bed and give her a kiss and say "good night sweetie." When she gets up say "it's bedtime" and put her back to bed. The next time and every time thereafter just place her back in bed without saying a word....nothing. The first few nights this could go on for hours but eventually she'll see that no matter what she tries it's only going to result in her being placed back in her bed w/no interaction from you.

All of this sounds harsh and unloving but the reality is, once you get all these bad habits nipped in the bud, you can love all over them all day long for all of their good behavior. They have to learn that only good behavior gets rewarded and you have to remember that even losing your cool and "bargaining" with them or whatever is a payoff to bad behavior.

Good luck!

L.

P.S. I'm a sahm to 8 and 5 year old girls.

First off, you need to get serious about being consistent! Lay down the law with your daughter and let her scream all she wants. The reason she protests so hard is because she KNOWS you will give in... it is just a matter of how much work she has to do to win.

With your son, stop going in at night unless he get hysterical. Give him some toys and soft books in his crib that he can play with as well as a soft very dim night light so he can see. Make sure he can't use any of the toys to climb out of his crib though. When he wakes, up, let him play, fuss, or cry, but don't go in unless he is serious about needing you. If he is waking for bottles, slowly start diluting them over time with water and give them to him instead of feeding them to him. Eventually, you can leave a bottle of plain water in his crib to drink if he gets thirsty, but he'll probably opt not to drink it all and his tummy will stop expecting a meal.

As for the crying until vomiting, there are two things. First, he just has an easy gag reflex, and this will not change for at least a few years (my nephews are the same way). Second, like your daughter, he knows screaming that hard will get him what he wants. Stop responding simply because he works himself up that hard. Don't cuddle and console him after vomiting either. You don't want to teach him that this is a good way to get sympathy and loves.

my child used to do it to what i did was through myself on the ground and through a fit to she stop from doing it

My oldest son (who is now 4) went through the exact same behavior at 2 years old. I think it lasted till he was 3.But eventually he learned that bed time was bed time and every time he got up he would be put back to bed. It is hard but just keep at it. She will learn. The only suggestion I have is to put her to bed earlier. It may sound crazy because it is hard enough to get her to bed at 9, but the more tired a child is the harder it is to get them to sleep. When a child stays up past when thier body needs to sleep their brain secrets a chemical "helping" them to stay up. I read this in Parenting magazine a few years ago, sorry I can't remember all the details (mommy brain) As long as you are consistent in putting her back to bed she will grow out of it. My children ages 4, 2 1/2, and 8 months all go to bed no later than 8:00. The baby goes down just after her big brothers because she tipically fusses for 1 min. before settling down. When Jake was born and Sean was 2 1/2- 3 We put Jake to bed at 7:00 so that Sean got some time with mommy and daddy by himself.
My oldest son also has the lovely talent of screaming until he throws up. I have cleand up more in the last 4 years than I ever thought possible! He needed me all the time, constant attention. It was so draining! I'm not sure what advise I can give except that some children really do need more physical contact than others, and more emotional support. Sean still wants to be around me all the time. i have learned that if I give him a few minutes of undivided attenton ( hugs, snuggles, playing ball, reading a story, etc.) He is better able to play by himself, and for longer. My friend relates it to filling the car's gas tank. A tantrum is sometimes a signal that the tank is empty.
I have never been a big fan of letting babies scream it out to fall asleep at night, maybe I'm just to weak, I find it easier (on me as well as the baby) to tranistion them. At about 6 months I was ready for my daughter to sleep through the night. She was waking up around 1am screaming and I would bring her into my bed because i didn't want her to wake her brothers. I began to risk waking them and stood at the crib to rock her, sing to her and put her back to sleep. When she was getting used to this routine I began to put her back down before whe was asleep and go out of the room. She would fuss for 5- 10 minutes and fall back to sleep. She got used to it and never woke her brothers up. Now she still fusses for a minute when I set her down but only a minute and then sleeps through the night.
A long letter for not many ideas I think, but I hope you feel at least a little encouraged that you are not alone, and that you are a good mom, this job just takes more patience, compassion, and nerves of steel than any of us realized!

Sometimes you can go to a doctor and they will give advice. It is never enough to understand exactly how you, the mother feels. Sometimes you feel it just isn't helping, or if you ask for help, they will look at you like you're horrible. Especially with a screaming, puking kid in your hands.

Some children do not know how to handle their rage. It can be at any age, and is definitely a learning process that you, the parent have to try and help them through. Children learn how to work their mothers are a very early age, and know what to do to get a response.

Your husband could be correct about leaving your child alone for a responsible time to cool off. Too much stimulation can cause a lot of issues, both for you and the child. It would be like spending twenty-four hours with a single person, and trying to figure out how to get some excitement out of the one you're with.

Lack of stimulation from you, may just be the small trick of the trade, that may get him to think that you're not there for him to play games with all of the time, but to nurture when he really needs it. It will slowly teach him trouble shooting skills of his own, or problem solving.

If it gets to a point you really need a break? Take it. Walk away for 15-20 minutes, if he is throwing a big one. Listen to the noises through a monitoring device, just incase this vomiting is a hazard. (Sometimes over feeding, and general excitement will cause this anyway, say if they hiccup, or burp anyway.) Puking can also be other issues, but if he is doing it just when he is pitching a giant fit? That seems like an early anger issue, and he doesn't know how to deal with it.

Walking away from brief periods of time, does not make you a bad mom, or mean you do not love your son. You're teaching him very early stages of problem solving, that isn't all about you, and what you have to do for him, so he gets his way.

Every mom has to set their child free, because he is no different than you, and needs a break once in awhile too.

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As for the daughter? She knows she is in charge. Put your foot down now, or she will not stop. Show her you are the parent, and she is the child. Do not deal, argue, yell, scream, slam doors. Show her how to be a Mom. Do not reward her constant attitude with your bed, and her wishes. Never do that. You are not teaching her who is in charge, and letting her do as she pleases, letting her know it too.

I understand it is very frustrating. This is why I never allowed my children to sleep in my bed past 1 month. I broke it as soon as I knew they were okay. They need their own space to settle down, so do you. This really has to effect your intimacy with your husband. Listen to him too.

Your daughter will be just fine in her own bedroom, until she passes out on her own. Just make sure she knows what time to go to bed, and enforce the rule. Make sure you have outlined your rules, follow through with threats and punishments fitting the situation. Never yell, hit the child or slam the door. That makes anger arise, and possible gives the child reasoning to stay awake. Cut off ALL stimulation an hour before her bed time. Have quiet time.

Have you attempted a quite time? Just you guys quiet, together before the TV, no lights on? Also, make sure she is ready for bed, before bed time, not at it. All about being prepared for an event. (You are teaching her responsibility for work tasks, and school.)

Regarding the fits, the hardest thing to do is what worked for me: I had to learn to walk away. My daughter, around that age, began throwing fits and holding her breath until she turned purple and passed out. I was told to clear the area around her so that she would not hurt herself, and then to walk away. The fits ceased within a couple of weeks. As it was explained to me: they are seeking attention (they don't always understand at that age the difference between positive vs. negative attention), and by walking away, you are not feeding into it. My daughter, Myka, started coming to me, calmly, instead of throwing her fits.

It sounds like your son has reflux. My son is one and has reflux as well and vomits when he cries hard. He may be throwing fits because he is uncomfortable and needs medication. I would suggest mentioning it to your pediatrician. Further, this is what one year olds do to express their emotions - they cry and fling themselves around. It is quite normal and attempting to discipline him at this young age will be challenging.

have you tried asking your daughter Why she comes into your bedroom in the middle of the night? She might be having bad dreams or is scared of the dark or is scared of being by herself.

Hi T.,
I have an unusual response for you. When our 1st son was born, he slept in our room until I couldn't stand my husband being awakened in the middle of the night by the baby crying. I moved into our sons room with him for a few months. Finally he slept alone with me constantly listening on the monitor for noises, crying or just peaceful breathing. When he was two years old, our bedroom was flooded by a storm while we were on vacation. Because we had to gut our room out, we moved our king size bed into his tiny room along side his crib. The room was wall to wall bed, literally. My husband crawled over me to get out of bed each morning to get ready for work. While sharing his room, I was also pregnant with our second cild where we transitioned our son from the crib to a twin bed. We had quite the arrangement. King bed, twin bed beside and crib at the foot of the bed and partially into the closet. Once the new baby was born, he co-slept with my husband and myself so that he could nurse throughout the night and not awaken anyone. It was also easier than crawling to the foot of the bed and leaning over the crib to haul him out. The four of us co-slept together for a total of four years. (That is how long it took my husband to strip, bleach and completely re-model our room by himself.) It seems like it was awful to have our children so close and in bed with us, but I liked it. (My hubby and I still had our private time too.) I knew our children were safe and that if they needed anything we were there for them. I actually was afraid once we moved back into our bedroom. I kept the monitor on for a year just to hear what was going on. Our boys slept better when we were all together and went to bed when we told them to. Now that they have their room back, they don't want to go to sleep. I believe it is a security and comfort thing. (I think this may be what your kids are going through.)I put DVD's on at night in our boys room and lay down on their beds with them while I wait for my husband to come home from work. (He works swing) Our boys fall asleep as long as I am there. Once they are asleep, all is well and I can leave the room. The co-sleeping worked for us. It's definitely not what we wanted. We were against it until our flooding situation came up and we had no where else to go. It just seemed natural for all of us to be in one room together. We all felt safe, secure and peaceful. Think about why your kids want to be in your bed and put yourself in their shoes. Also when my husband first started working swing, our oldest would fall asleep on his side of the bed while I read books to him because he wanted to wait for his dad to come home. Then his dad would carry him up the stairs to bed. This went on for months until my husband and I came up with the DVD option which has made a huge difference for us. (45 lbs of sleepy boy being carried up 14 steps gets heavy.)If your kids have seperate rooms, maybe you should move them in together so they don't feel alone. From what my husband and I have experienced over the last 8 years is that our kids don't want to be alone and that they want to be with us. We accommodate this by having them both together and by me sharing time with them each week night watching a pleasant DVD(what I call a nice,nice)and snuggling. This helps our boys feel secure and they sleep very well. For the temper tantrums, he might be having trouble expressing his feelings and anger is the only feeling he can express. I would try hugging him and playing his favorite music. Also asking him if he is angry. Try to help him identify his feelings. (I know it's hard. Been there, done it.) By helping him discover that he has other feelings like frustration, saddness, anger, happy, etc. will help him put a label to his feelings which in turn will help him to calm down sooner. Best wishes to you.
A.

sounds like sleep issues are causing issues of control with your boy. Yours and his.
my daughter was a nut about bedtime, and that caused daytime issues because we were both so tired. After two weeks of sticking to the plan... things mellowed out. It was a rough couple of weeks, I'm not going to sugar coat it. Everyone needs the time to unwind. Everyone can benefit from this hard work. I am certainly not an expert, but it worked for us.

Being an 11 month old little boy is the definition of a Mamma's boy! He should be at that age. For heaven sake pick him up, way before he gets to the point of throwing up. At 11 months a baby does not know how to manipulate. If they're crying it's because they NEED your attention. Picking him up when he indicates he needs you will develop his sense of security and trust in you. Ignoring him, or telling him to stop is showing him you don't care, and he can't depend upon you. At 11 months it's still all about basic needs.

1) With your little boy, try putting him in his room by himself and close the door. Tell him he can come out when he's a happy camper.When he gets quiet, bring him out of his room. Try to pay no attention to the throw up. It worked for me. Otherwise, he'll learn to use whatever other methods he can to continue to control you.
2) Try getting your little girl a "special" comforter set for her big girl bed; also, you could warm her blankets in the drier right before you put her to bed. Or, you could put glow in the dark stars on her ceiling.
Good luck! M.

Your son sounds like mine at that age (mine is now 13 and he is basically fine, but still quite volatile, but also wonderfully exuberant). My pediatrician taught me this method: Pick him up, but put him on your lap facing out. Don't hold him to yourself or pat him. Just let him have the security of your presence, but without the hug. After a while he will calm down. I think one is a tough age, especially for a boy who wants to go go go, and just can't physically accomplish all the things that life holds for him. Also, I think the kids scare themselves with their own tantrums and believe they really need some comfort. Hope this works for you (and him). PS: This son didn't sleep through the night until 13. He was and is always testing the limits.
I'm not sure about daughter. Our kids were in cribs til age 3 and never climbed out! We were very strict about the bed (we only have a queen and we are tall people). "This is our bed, this is your bed." But believe me, I know how hard it is to stick to your guns in the middle of the night.

I don't know how to help with the bedtime thing, but I had a "student" in my preschool who would throw fits until he threw up when his mom left him there. He was just over 1 year old. We found that if we were able to distract all the other children with something so that nobody was looking at him or paying any attention, he would eventually stop. He would scream louder for a little bit, but when he realized that nobody was paying attention, he would get up, wipe his tears and come to play. The throwing up stopped after about a week. For that week we just put a trash can near him and told him to make sure he threw up in the can before we walked away. It was hard to walk away and let him throw his fit (I can imagine even harder for you since you are the momma), but they stopped altogether after a while. It will take a long time and a lot of patience, but if you can do it, the fits will stop. Good luck!

I see you've been giving up! ;)
You kids have learned to out stubborn you! Here are some ideas.
Make some routines. Try to get your family on as structured schedule as possible and stick to it.
Then push yourself. At the point in which you are ready to give up the fight make yourself wait 5 min... then 10min. Until your no means absolutly NO!
As far as you 1 yo not sleeping through the night, it's pretty normal. Give him a pat on the back, an "it's ok" and tell him to go back to sleep, with out picking him up unless he needs a diaper change.

Also you can have a timeout space for you too. I used the bathroom. I had a book, candles, and headphones. When your hubby is home and your son is having a fit, go somewhere so you won't pick him up. Don't feel bad! Every person must learn "NO". Better now then in 20 years!

T. - I also have dealt with sleeping issues with my son, when he was 1. My pediatrician let me borrow a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by: Marc Weissbluth. Theory being when a child has good sleeping habits, he behaves much better. It goes into detail about techniques to use with your child and also basic education on sleep. Within one night, I saw a huge difference and after one week he was sleeping through the night and waking up in an incredibe happy mood. I will admit that my son cried for 59 minutes the very first night and it killed me and my husband, I even cried. The next night he cried for 5 minutes and fell right asleep. After 1 week he didn't cry at all when I put him to bed and slept for 12 hours. Before he only slept around 10 hours. If I could, I would buy a copy for every parent. I strongly encourage you to buy this book and take the time to read it. Cindy Crawford also endorses it.

Sounds like all of your problems are really the same issue. You and your husband need to be in charge not the kids! Sounds like the kids are ruling the house right now.
You should sit down with your daughter and tell her that from now on what you and dad says goes no questions asked. Then when she doesn't comply start giving spankings. Never in anger but a good spanking will do wonders for your family, they are both begging to know the limits and you are not setting them. Let them know the limits and your family will run much smoother.
If you need to know how to give a proper spanking let me know, but know thet it should never be done in anger.
Good luck, you can do it, be in charge now and your teen years will be soooo much better it's all wrapped up together!

I would definately pick up your son. At one, you cannot spoil them. They only want to be that close for such a short time. Letting him sob until he throws up is very extreme. Try a wrap to carry him in. Most are good to 30 lbs.

There is a good chance your son is overly tired, that is usually the case in that type of fit. He needs schedule and plenty of sleep time.
For sleeping, there is a great book called "On becoming babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. It has a system to help you teach an infant to sleep through the night. Some main points are to keep your baby up for at least a half hour after each feeding (don't let them fall asleep eating unless it is nightime). This helps them eat enough so they don't wake up hungry, and also it lets them have their wake time while the sugars from the milk are most active in their bodies. Their sleep becomes more beneficial. When a child is too tired they will fight sleep. It is a great book, there are many good tips! Use common sense, you are the mom, take the parts you like. I used many of the methods from the book with my daughter and she started sleeping 8 hours at night at 3 weeks old, (12 hours at night around 9 months). She is now over 2 and still sleeps 12 hours at night. My 4 year old sleeps almost the same. It is a great teaching tool, Get it!

For your two year old you need a few nights that you sacrifice your you time. Keep putting her back in bed, over and over.
1. Have a routine, tell her goodnight, put her in bed.
2. Say "it's bed time" put her in bed
3. Say "bed time" put her in bed
4. Don't say anything, put her in bed

Repeat step 4 until she falls asleep. It may take hours the first night, but it will get better every night, until she stays in bed. Don't fall for any of her "cons." She really doesn't need a drink (it was in her routine), Whatever she has to tell you can wait until morning. This is harder on Mom then daughter at first. Rotate each night who (you or husband) is in charge enforcing bedtime. Both of you use the same routine and she will learn to respect bedtime, regardless of who puts her down. She may regress at some time in the futre and start coming out again, but follow the same steps and it will be much easier then the first training. Watch "super nanny", it has some good tips.

T.,

I really agree with Sharilyn B. Both your kids need a routine that will help them settle down before bed time. My daughter will also be 1 next month and still wakes up around twice a night. I usually go in, hug her and reassure her and she goes right back to sleep. Some of the other posts don't encourage that, but sometimes they have nightmares and need a hug and an "it's okay". Super Nanny is a great show for advice on family dynamic issues.

As for your daughter, my son (he's 4 1/2) did the same thing. We did the whole back to bed routine that Sharilyn suggested. I worked. He stopped getting out of bed in about a week. He still tries "I had a bad dream" sometimes, but his father and I don't buy it when we've heard him in his room playing. There's a reason that it's called Tough Love. Sometimes it's harder on us a parents than it is on the kids. Your son really needs to learn that there are other people that are just as good as mommy, so does my daughter; she's such a mommy's girl.

Definitely set up a routine with your daughter. For my family our routine is this:
6pm My son has to start settling down, wild/rowdy time is over. It is time to put on pj's for both kids. My daughter, if I can get her to, begins her cuddle time in my lap.

7pm My daughter gets her bottle for the night, gets a few more minutes of cuddles, but get put into bed while she's still awake, but near falling asleep. We have a small CD player that plays lullabies for her all night on a repeat mode. My son's playtime is over, and he needs to cuddle with me while we watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. When Jeopardy is over it's bed time for him. We also have a small CD player in his room that plays his favorite music all night on a repeat mode.

They both have dimmer switches in their rooms so that they're not sleeping in pitch black or total silence (if my room/house is totally quiet I will lay awake all night with my thoughts running in little circles. My kids take after me that way).

This seems to work for us. They each have their routine, and if there's problems, we deal with them.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I just remembered another technique that I've picked up from watching Super Nanny. You can put either child to bed, and sit in a chair/on the floor right next to the child. You sit there with your head down, not engaging the child at all. That way they know that mom/dad is there and they're safe, but they stay in their bed. And either every night or xx amount of time you move a little farther away from their bed towards the door. During all this you never talk to the child, or respond to them at all, just sit there with your head down.

This might also be effective with your daughter if the back-to-bed routine doesn't work.

:)

Dear T. B,
I have an idea to help your son calm down and be able to sleep longer through the night.
I can connect you with one of my clients who's daughter was having the same type of issues as a one year old. I would suggest talking to another mom who has helped her daughter with a natural therapy.
I am going to propose that your son's head hurts him. I am a professional who works with children to help them sleep naturally with craniosacral therapy. Babies heads mold to the natural forces of labor and often the pressure persists. The clearest outcome of this head pressure is defiant behavior and issues with sleeping through the night. May I suggest looking at your son's behavior as his way to say that he is uncomfortable and his "head hurts." This is the only way he has to communicate. I have much more info if you would like to continue this conversation. Sending you compassion and understanding, BC