Hi-
Last week my husband decided to invite his dad to our house for the weekend after Thanksgiving (he lives about 5 hrs. away). His dad is divorced and lives by himself. He also has not made himself a big part of our lives for as long as I've known my husband (we've been together 9 yrs), partly because he is an alcoholic and has been too involved with his own issues. Another part of the problem is that my family was going to another relative's house for the holidays, which has been a ritual for the last 8 yrs. My husband's sister from CA. is in town, who he doesn't get to see too often. But we thought that it would be nice to invite him for the wkd. after Thanksgiving while everyone was in town. Well, when my husband invited him, he went off about how ungrateful we were and we should have invited him to our house for Thanksgiving Day, etc. My husband's father then hung up the phone on him (prob. drunk). He then called his cell phone and said their relationship was over. Because of his actions, I emailed his dad and said that I was disappointed in his behavior and hoped that we could resolve this soon, esp. for our sons' sake, who are 9 mos. and 2 yrs old. The dad has never responded to anyone. I consider the relationship over. But my husband wants to call his dad and ask how he is and apologize...aaaahhhh! Makes me so mad, but I also cannot put myself in his position. Any feedback would help. Thanks!!!
Thanks for everyone's advice. My husband just called his dad last week and left a message. He told his dad that he was sorry about the way their conversation went. He also said that he would like for his dad to come visit the boys during Christmas if he could. I told my husband that I would support the decision that he makes, but I'm angry and I may not be able to be home if and when his dad came to visit. I told him that I just needed more time. His dad never responded to my email, and he never returned my husband's phone call from last week. We did, however, receive a package for the boys. It was a couple of toys with a note to the boys and $25 for my husband and me. He wrote a note out to the boys, wishing them a Merry Christmas, but wrote nothing to us. I'm trying to learn the best way to handle this, without damaging any relationships, but also wanting to model healthy relationships for my family.
That is a hard situation to be in. If your husband wants to forgive and make up let him!! If anything ever happened to his dad and you had prevented him from contacting him to make amends he would resent you big time!
I would just try and keep peace as much as you can for you kids sake. Your husband will get the hint if his dad isn't interested in making up and he will feel better he took the high road and tried.
Although I would feel exactly how you would, you have to see that maybe your husband apoligizing is whats best for him and your kids. Whether your husband honestly wants to apoligize or not, he may feel that its whats best. I hope everything works out for you!
Hello,
I deal with same situation but instead of it being my husbands dad it's my own. Make sure not to feel bad about what happened, I know it's hard for your husband but your father-in-law is the one to blame. I have given into my dad's requestes time and time over again. Don't do it, it just gives him the control which he wants. My father likes to come into town and the world suddenly revolves around him. He came down the weekend before Thanksgiving and had planned a Barbeque at my house. I was not even here! I would just call him and set some boundries and if he can not abide by them, just don't let him come around your boys. I'm sorry if this not the answer or advice you want but I'm here to vent to if you need it. I would strongly recomend praying for him and his problem with alcohol. People can change but it's only if they want to themselves. If you would like to chat just send me a message.
I know it is frustrating but let your husband handle this the way he wants too. My husband and I have a deal he doesn't tell me how to deal with my family and I won't with his. I look at it like this he has been dealing his family longer then I have. Not to say I don't have opinions about his family I just let my husband handle it. There are a lot of things I don't understand about his family and the way he deals with them, but on the flip side he doesn't understand mine. Just try to be there for your husband, having a father like that has to be hard.
Good luck!
Good Luck!
hi bobby...all i gotta say is this..he is your husband's father. not your father. so if your husband want to go chasing behind his father, then let him do so. you're right..you can't put yourself in his position, because your husband is his own person...a grown man...let him deal with the situation the best way he know how and just be there for him if he needs you
give it some time, don't be to hasty to respond. Given that your father in law has an addiction problem, don't expect him to be appropriate in his interactions, even with an apology. Your husband may want to consider attending Al-Anon to deal with his relationship with his father. If your husband calls his dad to appologize, it may not do any good.
GOD HAS THE BEST ADVICE......... HONOR THY MOTHER AND THY FATHER, ESPECIALLY THY MOTHER. HIS SON HAS TO MAKE AMENDS. THEY DON'T LIVE FOREVER
Hey I know how you feel. My father in law doesnt drink now ( he used to) and he never feally was a part of my husbands life. The few times he does see us he will always find a way to tell my husband what he should have done or needs to do about everything. And my husbands good about that stuff he just sits there and nods his head and agrees but just does whatever it is he wants to do. It drives me crazy not to say something. And if he's mad a you he won't talk you for months and then when he finally does he acts like nothing ever happened. But if it was really bad he has his wife call and say we need to apologize for hurting his feelings. He's a very petty man in my book but all my husbands wants is a father in his life to do stuff with and to talk to and he can't get that from him. So I let him handle it is own way until I see him get really hurt then I will step in, But one way I have seen (for us) that may help your position is to maybe email him back or leave him a message and say that you are sorry for not inviting him to Thanksgiving and that you would love for him to call his son cuase he really wants to talk to him and work things out. If not for his son for the sake of the grandchildren. I know it would be hard and it seems like none of your bussiness or you dont want to make it your business, but it will put you in a good light with your husband and no one can say you didn't try to help mend the relationship. Because if does want his father in his life that won't change and you can despise the man all you want and still voice your feelings about him, but you also want him to be happy too. Hope this helps even just a little bit.
You've said your peace and so has your husband. I think you should get your husband to give it one week then see how he feels about calling to apologize.
As for the acusations that you should have invited him on Thanksgiving that's a crock. You went someplace else and your fil was not invited nor should he have expected to be invited. It's hard to juggle everyone's gatherings. Especially if you have split up parents and multiple inlaws.
Don't get too discouraged. The holidays are really hard on people with addictions and those trying to deal with them. You could look up an Alanon meeting and see that a lot of families are dealing with this right now. If you do go, make sure your husband goes too.
I have kind of the same situation with my mother in law. She thinks everyone is always attacking her. She has major back problems and is on many pain killers. I find the best way to deal with her when she gets this way is to say how I feel and let it at that. She usually comes around. Sometimes it takes a long time. And he may not come around. Even if your husband does call him. I think you should support your husband in his actions even though it is frustrating. I always just voice my opinion to my husband but reassure him whatever he decides I will stand by him. As long as it doesn't hurt the kids! Yours are a little too young to understand right now but they will soon enough. I wish you the best of luck in this area. It is a very hard subject.
