Needy Toddler in Childcare

Updated on June 29, 2009
S.T. asks from Renton, WA
5 answers

So, over the last month I had to change my daughter's daycare from a SAHM with her own 2 year old boy to a small in-home childcare. The first 2 weeks she did great. They said she played well with the others, was a super napper, and seemed pretty happy. Then she got mildly sick, with diarrhea and snotty nose, but it resolved in a week, no further problems, doctor checked her out and said she's fine. However, the last 2 weeks she has been very needy with one of the caregivers, even going so far as to hit other kids that come near the caregiver! She won't let the caregiver out of her sight, and throws a fit if anyone gets near her binky, blankie or sippy cup, and is refusing to nap! They use time-out with her when she hits, but she won't stay put and ends up slithering over to them saying "sorry". And today, another child in the daycare said she didn't want to come back because of my daughter! I don't know what to do! At home she's a pretty normal toddler, happy and playful, but still has a breakdown once in a while if we tell her NO. She is getting her 2 year molars in, which has been happening over the course of a couple of months, so I'm making sure she has Motrin on board before I drop her off in the morning. So, I'm at a loss...she went from being the "star" baby to the "nightmare" baby in just a couple of weeks! Is this normal adjusting behavior or does my kid need therapy? I really like this daycare, it's small and just starting up, so they only have a couple of other children to watch, and my daughter is taking up a considerable amount of time. Obviously this cannot continue, especially when they become busier and have more than 2 other kids to watch. I'm hoping this "needy" phase will pass, like many other phases of her life so far, but I may have to find another daycare soon if she continues to be so disruptive! Any help, suggestions are more than welcome.
PS. the daycare providers don't really know what to do either, since her behavior is such a 180 difference from the first weeks she was there. HELP!

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Your daughter is acting this way because she does need something. What is difficult is to figure out what it is.

First, I'd say the "honeymoon" period is over at the new daycare. We all are good at the beginning. I adopted my daughter when she was 7. For the first few weeks she put her toys away without being asked. It went down hill from there. :)

It sounds like she has only been in one daycare previous to this one. So her world is different and kids freqeuntly have difficulty adjusting to a new place. She is making sure everyone knows that that the binkie, blankie, and sippy cup are hers. At this age they are beginning to realize that they are individuals and certain things are theirs.

She has come from a situation in which she had only 1 other child to which she needed to relate. How old are the other 2 kids in this daycare? Keep in mind that at 2 kids usually play side by side most of the time and not actually with each other. Have the workers shown your daughter some of the toys and got her involved with them away from the other kids but close to the worker?

Another thing the workers can do is to ask her to help them. Experienced ones have figured out all sorts of ways to involve kids in such a way that they feel safe and loved.

Since this is a new daycare they may not know how to handle this. I think it would help if they told the other child that this belongs to your daughter's name before your daughter becomes upset. Does your daughter have a cubby or a drawer where she can put her things? That might help.

Also, how is the one worker that she clings to dealing with it? If she is pushing her away either physically or emotionally this will cause your daughter to cling even more. My grandson's in home daycare sometimes has as many as 6 baby's and children. My grandson had difficulty adjusting. Eva held him or any child that wanted to be held. If her lap was full she'd tell the one who was on her lap to go get or go do somthing and add that it was now so and so's turn, reassuring them that they could sit on her lap later.

I think that if this worker can hold and reassure your daughter that your daughter will more quickly adjust and be that happpy child again then if they're trying to teach her to be independent.

Also, she is most likely not feeling so well. It takes awhile to recover energy after an illness. Did she stay with you or with someone else while she was ill? If so going back to this one is another change in her world.

Does she know you're pregnant, that she's going to have a little brother or sister? This is a big adjustment too. At 2, kids don't have the words to ask questions or tell how they're feeling. They cling instead.

A more subtle reason may be that your daughter is frightened of the other worker or of another child. What is the demanor of the other worker. Actually what is the demeanor of both workers and does the space give children a sense of security? Everything may look OK to you but it may not be to your little girl. Sometimes babies, toddlers, and kids feel differently about the same people with whom we're comfortable. If possible stay with her at the home for a short while. Even 10 or 15 minutes may help you get a clue. If possible drop back in later, unannounced, and quietly watch.

One way to find out how kids are feeling is to tell them a story about a little girl similar to them in similar circumstances and pause to ask a question, such as how would you feel if you were this little girl? What do you think this little girl should do? Your daughter may be too young for this to work in getting answers from her but it will at the very least let her know that she's not the only one with this sort of situation. Make the ending a happy one and pass along one hint towards how to feel safer.

As to the other child saying she doesn't want to come back, I wouldn't worry about that. These words are said over and over. "I don't like you!" "Go away!" "I'm not coming here tomorrow. You're mean!" "I hate you!" Those sort of things. The best way to handle those is to be sympathetic for the child but know that tomorrow or even 5 minutes later they may be the best of friends.

How did the workers handle the situation when the little girl said she didn't want to come back? How did her mother handle it?
If the workers are putting pressure on you to change your little girl's behavior, I think this is not the right place for her. An experienced worker would either know how to help your daughter or would be willing to try different ways to find a way to help her. The more your daughter's feelings are validated the quicker she'll get past this.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.T.

answers from Portland on

Your little girl doesn't have the maturity or language to tell you that this new childcare situation is not a good one for her. Instead of blaming your girl or blaming the childcare provider, just try a different provider. Call it bad chemistry and move on to something else. There are lots of great providers out there. Your girl is letting you know her current situation feels unsafe, unstructured, unpredictible, unloving, stressful... avoid guilt and blame and MOVE ON.

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B.O.

answers from Portland on

I am an early childhood ed major, and this is what I see from your post.

1. Your child does have needs, and attachment to a caregiver is one of them, and is completely appropriate and normal. Attachment to a caregiver builds trust and security for the child. Your child is not experiencing trust and security from her caregiver at this point.

2. The caregivers at her new school are not properly educated or trained in guidance issues. They are not responding to her basic needs with respect, kindness, and reciprocation. It totally appears that they do not have any positive guidance training, because time-out is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE FOR A TODDLER IN A CENTER OR HOME BASED CHILDCARE! It is also against the National Association of the Education of Young Children's guidelines, and they are the childcare accreditation organization in our country.

3. I would question why you like this new childcare. Is it because they are close to work? Have a cute environment? Or does someone have a degree in Early childhood Ed or do they have a committed philosophy of childcare practice? Or are they simply raising your children the way their parents raised them? What is their mission statement? Do you see daily how they implement the practice? Do they include in their handbook how they deal with guidance issues? It appears not, because they are telling you that they are stumped, which CLEARLY indicates that they do not have any knowledge of child development, whether attained in school or independently.

Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful
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I.G.

answers from Seattle on

Your daughter is going through a lot of changes in her life and it is comepletely normal for her to act up this way.

Many kids in daycare situation will choose one teacher to bond with. If you think about it, you really want to encourage that, because while you work it is her home away from home and she should have an adult with her to have some attachment to. She just lost her former teacher and is now trying to find her place and new connection in her new daycare.

Now the extreme clingyness and hitting is of course not ok and may very well be increased by the insecurity of having a new sibling coming along soon. Even if you haven't told her officially yet, she may have overheard and knows that "something" is going on. Kids are very perceptive at that age.

Together with your care provider you should come up with a proactive plan to address her clingyness before she hits someone. I find it a little unusual that her provider seems overwhelmed by this - my daughter is in a daycare center and the teachers there deal with this every time a new child is added to their group. It is very normal behavior for a toddler.
They deal with the clingyness by giving the child a short notice that the teacher has to leave/put her down/do something else and coordinate that the other teacher will take the child and try to distract them or console them if distraction doesn't work.
Now there is no magic bullet for this, it usually takes a few weeks and the kids will get over this.
They really make a conscious effort to coordinate their activities in a way that addresses the individual issues for that one child while still taking care of the other 10. When she was transitioning between rooms they would even let her favorite teacher go with her for some time, until she felt comfortable. If you really like her daycare, try to come up with something together that will help her adjust, instead of just punishing her when she misbehaves - that will only make the problem worse.

3 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Seattle on

Hi, S.

My name is S., I am 62 years old and I have 5 children, 20 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren. I live in Auburn, WA. I am raising my 3-year-old great granddaughter.

Betty O is right-on. I realy think you should consider a different daycare.

Good luck,
S.

1 mom found this helpful
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