Neighbor/friend with Children Conflicts

M.,
I would definately say "Yes" confront her, because she may not of said it, and someone is trying to start trouble. COuld be someone is not wanting you to be friends with this other lady. It does happen. If she did say it then ask her, what if you said that, how wold she feel. When kids fight, don't get in it, and let them get over it themselves. Just talk to them and let them know how wrong it is.
Shirley

Kids will always have spats and make-ups. Just give them time. One of my children came home one day crying and said a boy was throwing rocks and sticks at him. He was riding his older brothers bike, which was odd. To me this meant trouble. A minute later older brother came jogging from the opposite direction. Story goes, Adam (younger) was climbing a pole with a stick in his hand, slipped and dropped the stick, which hit a little sister in the head. Her big brother decided to "teach adam a lesson" even though it was an accident. Now this kid is almost taller than me, and although he is 11, has already hit a growth spurt and outweighs Adam by a good 70 lbs and 1 1/2 feet in height. Ethan, my oldest, intervened and told the kid to stop and then told Adam to just come home. fast. Now, I got in my car and drove around there to talk to kids Mother. We just worked it out. I also told her he is still welcome at my house, kids do fight, but that my concerns were that as parents we all needed to be on the same page so that that the kids would get along. I didn't think her kid was bad but had concerns about the way he handled it. No-one was picking on his little sister, it was all an accident, but I didn't want him picking on Adam either. We just worked it out. This is only one time, but I know all the parents of the kids in our neighbor hood. I would expect if your friends wants everyone to get along then she should not promote physical fighting. The rules of engagement at out house is: Verbally tell someone to stop the offensive behaviour at least twice, remove yourself from the situation, Talk to an adult for help, to never start a fight and IF none of those things work then punch them out (after you have told me and have gotten permission to punch). And don't let anybody beat up or bully your brothers. Now about the punch out, there was a kid on the soccer team that did bully both of my boys all three kids were on the same team. My boys followed our rules. They told this kid to repeatedly to stop, they would move to a different spot during practice away from him, they told me and the coach. So finally I told them they had my permission to physically work it out and that they would not get in trouble from me. Once my boys stood up for themselves the bully stopped and there was only a shove involved. With the neighborhood kids I down play the physical because in a day or two they will all want to play again.
I don't think you friend should advocate punching. Or the fact that one can "take the other" maybe ya'll could get together and just discuss. But I would definately say something just for the peace in the neighbor hood. Violence is not the first line of diplomacy. And children need to see some positive role models. A physical fight will forever change the dynamics of the neighbor hood and divisions will be made. But if the adults aren't on board how can the kids be on board. I would lead into the discussion by asking that when the girls fight how do they handle it? and is there something they do that you don't because all this bickering is driving you crazy. see what they have to say. then you maybe can discuss ways for ya'll all to agree and all be consistent with the same set of rules. since these girls definately need guidence with thier people skills. hope it all helps.

I'd talk to my friend and find out exactly what she thought was going on. If it's behavior you can't condone, I'd tell my friend that I think our daughters should no longer play together, if their teenage playing was going to be encouraged to get physical.

I am not sure about you, but any adult who would encourage violence with children is trash and 1. Isn't really my friend 2. Isn't worth my time - period. How old is she? Seriously...give me a break. It would be worth me wasting my breath on someone like that. Move on and find better friends...BBQ with the other friend.

hi M.!

Unfortunately, these disagreements happen. My suggestion to you is to get you, your friend and both daughters together in a meeting. Set up rules for all to follow and write them down as agreements. Then and only then do you bring up the information you have. ASK, don't accuse your friend if this occurred. If it did, ask why and what happened? This meeting is really important, because if you don't get it all out in the open, the anger festers and it will ruin your friendship. It can even spread like a cancer to other members of your neighborhood. You probably don't have all the facts and neither does she. Starting out with agreements on rules is something you can go back to in the future.

If you are Christians, you can ask if you can start the meeting with a prayer for guidance, and peace.

I hope you will be able to resolve your differences.

T.

I agree with Elizabeth on this one, you should talk to your 'friend', because I know that if you don't it will eat at you and every time you would see her you will always think back on what she said. But do it before to much time passes by. No, you don't have to be mean or rude about it, just state your concern but be careful she sounds a bit immature and if she says such things to your friends daughter about punching your daughter, there's no telling what she'll say to you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you :).

My children are now 25 and 22. My best advice for you, looking back, is to stay out of it. Kids argue. Chances are the remarks got blown out of proportion and were not really said exactly that way by the neighbor. And if you think they really were, act like you think it was a terrible rumor and tell your neighbor how funny you think it is that the kids thought he/she said that, because obviously your "friend" would not say such a thing. Act like you are amused and appalled. They will get the picture.

I think it would cause your daughter more trouble. Let the girls work it out for themselves, but also keep an eye on them to make sure it doesn't get physical.

You need to tread lightly for 2 reasons, 1st and mainly, she's your neighbor and it's not easy to move away if things don't go well, and 2ndly, you guys are all friends and it would be a shame to tear that apart. First off, where did you get the info from? If it's from your child...I would take it with a grain of salt. If it's from the other friend you hang out with...I'd hate to see what your other friend is saying about you behind your back. The only way to resolve this, is have your friend over, or go to Starbuck's for neutral territory, and have a one on one conversation and clear the air like grown women. If you let this fester, and involve others in the neighborhood, you are no better than she (if indeed she said those things, in the context you were told). There are so many good things that could come out of the talk you 2 will have, including being great role models for your girls when they see how you 2 deal with conflicts.

Stay out of it. Kids are friends one minute and not the next. They will get it all figured out. Just keep reminding your own daughter to be kind at all times.

I would politely let my friend know you are aware of what she had said and let her know you do not approve of physical violence---- i would also think about monitoring our (your family) time we spend together with this friend--

Does this other "friend" have kids? She is so in the wrong. Maybe she is trying to create a conflict behind both of your backs. You really do need to have a meeting, but how is the key. Maybe you should talk to the others girls mother first. And definitely be calm and rational with the way you deal with this "friend".

In my experience there are three kinds of parents, those that care what there kids do, and those who feel kids will do what kids do, and those who feel their kids will do what they will do and encourge them to do something that they really is not needed. Kids get into arguements yes, to to encourage them to physically assult them is uncalled for. I do think you should confront the parent and ask why would you encourage such a thing. It is not something I approve in my home. Yes, they do fight, but why would you encourage your daughter to punch my daughter. It makes me wonder what goes on behind closed doors, when your daughter is visiting. I by no means encourage my children to physically assult someone. I have given them permission to defend themselves. I tell my children to walk away from anything that looks like it might become violent. If your Neighbor is encouraging her daughter to "punch" your daughter, and when you confront her/him, see how they react to you informing them that it is not appreciated. You might want to consider if she is the good neighbor you allow your children to hang around on a daily or weekly bases. When you allow something to go on that you do not approve of, you are allowing it to come into your home. My husband and I have made the agreement that if we don't approve, than it should not enter our home, from the T.V. to children who can not behave themselves. There are children who go to our church, that I would not allow my children to play or associate with due to the attitude they have, and the constant disobeying of there parents. If I allowed them to play together, my children will learn that behavior. I know because I had to deal with many situations in regards to my children, before we took control of our house hold. Well I did not mean to make this long, but I would look into why my neighbor would encourage such a thing, and why she thought it would be ok. Talk to your daughter as well, what kid of friend does she really have???.....(She maybe a good friend, I just asking). Look for warning signs...Does your daughter imitate a behavior of her friend? Is it a good behavior? Ok, sorry again for such a long letter.

Good luck

T. D

I agree with everyone saying to say something. Girls this age do get into arguements... however, the PARENT should never encourage violence or aggression. If they've never gotten physical.... this mother shouldn't have advised it. In what I'm reading... it wasn't the mother of the other girl... it was the OTHER parent, right? She was WAY OFF base saying anything except to you! And that should've been to just let you know they were arguing if she felt it necessary. Does the other daughter's mother know that this mother is saying things and ecouraging violence? Maybe the 2 of you should talk to her and let her know that that is not how you want to teach your children to handle disagreements. It's fine to disagree...even to agree to disagree, but never to resolve things with physical aggression!

Good luck!

Violence is never the answer, as you know. Maybe at one of the next bbq's you have together, tongue-in-cheek, suggest y'all 'whoop' the meat, you are sure y'all could take em. If you say it with a smile, you will let the other neighbor know you are aware of her comments and that you are not willing to make a public spectacle of her, inspite of her comments.

YES~~~ You have to say something. Instead of coming off angry let her know how hurt you and your daughter are...

Have a chat with your neighbor and tell her that you are trying to teach your children to settle conflicts in a grown up way, and to communicate what the other is angry about and try to solve things withot resorting to hitting, and that you have heard she is encourageing her child to just hit, & you want to know if this is correct or not, because you sure hope it doesn't happen in the future if this is true. Then have a talk with your daughter and see if you can get to the bottem as to why the other girl is so upset she feels like she needs to hit.

how scary especially after just this morning i watched a video of several teenage girls beating up on 1 girl. the girl ended up with blown ear drum, hurt eye, concussion, and how many emotional scars. this was shown on one of the morning tv shows, in a clip shot in florida. i would definitely speak with the other mother and all the kids involved. they must be given more beneficial coping tools.

Hello M. first I would like to say I really don't think maturity has anything to do with it this sounds more like low morals. As for your neighboring friend she should be trying to get her child to be friends than to not be as true friends are really hard to come by now days. Always remember 2 things: first is that it takes a big person to stand and fight but an even bigger person to walk away, and second if someone is talking about you then the chances are that thier leaving everyone else alone. Maybe its time you reevaluate your friendship and decide if thats the kind of friends you really want your daughter having for we all learn what we're taught. Well take care and I hope things work out for you.

i would talk to her. be honest with her, she obviously needs some sort of parenting coach if she is advocating violence. in the end you may loose the friendship but really if she was that good of a friend in the first place she would never want anyone to hurt your child, especially her own!

Are you sure this was said, or are you taking the word of someone else? I would make sure I had my facts straight before I ruined a friendship over what two twelve year olds said!