Neighbor Problem - Chicago,IL

What exactly is the problem? You tell the kid no, and if he doesn't listen you send him home.
That's what parents do.

What I see is a kid that takes advantage of a parent unwilling to set boundaries. So not his fault that you don't tell him no.

On one hand it says a lot about you that he feels safe enough around you to act like he would at home but on the other hand he's not home.

Sounds like the iPads need to be in time out the next 5 times he comes over. By that time he may decide to do something else.

Lock your doors when you're home and when he arrives you either choose to let him in or you send him away. Doesn't matter if he's a child or adult. This is your house.

If you choose to let him in, then you also choose where he goes in your home. Redirect him. "I'm sorry, Dick, but you need to stay in the living room, kitchen, outside or downstairs bathroom." If he chooses not to listen then you walk him to the front door and tell him it's time to leave.

When you choose to let him in then you lock up the iPads. Period. If he goes searching, you redirect him. "Dick, where are you going? What are you looking for? Everything you need for a visit is in the living room or outside."

If you're having a family event and you didn't explicitly invite him but then he shows up, you pull him aside and say, "I'm sorry but this is family only. We'll see you tomorrow."

Lather, rinse, repeat. If this is a child then you call his parents. If this is an adult then, well, you may have to get more pushy and tell him just how rude he is being. You may also have to eventually tell him that he's not welcome in the house any longer. But you have to be consistent and stick with whatever rules you come up with. Don't be afraid of hurting feelings or feeling impolite. A good hostess doesn't give her home over for guests to do whatever they like.

Start with locking your doors. That way he has to ring the doorbell.

When we have guests at our house, we put away personal games and iPods. It's rude to be on a game that cannot be shared. So that might be something to consider.

When he shows up at family events, ask him to leave. Whose house is it?

He pretended to shoot you? How old is he? My 11 and 12 year old boys are constantly pretending to shoot me, eachother, their friends.....it's what boys do, and it's nothing serious.

Since you seem to be unable to say no, take away ipads or otherwise control the children who come into your home uninvited, I suggest you lock your doors and keep them locked.

so why are you not telling him firmly and courteously and FIRMLY 'please put the ipad down. you may not play with our ipad'?
lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.
obviously you haven't 'laid down the law.' he's a kid. it's up to you to make the rules crystal clear.
khairete
S.

My kids are not allowed to play on iPods or iPads when they have friends over. If they are playing electronic games they need to play a game that supports the number of players present. If we don't have enough controllers for everyone, then they need to find another activity. Tell him that the iPads are off limits when guests are over, then maybe he won't come over anymore. Keep the door locked and he will need to knock or ring the bell to get in. Tell him where he is and isn't allowed in your house, and also let your kids know that they are also to stay out of "restricted areas" when they have guests over. In my house it is up to my kids to control their own guests. If one of their friends decided to go into my bedroom you can bet that my kids would tell him not to. If it gets to the point that I have to step in it usually means that particular guest won't be welcome any longer.

D. - so you don't know how to set boundaries with a child?

You need to keep your doors LOCKED. This kid has no concept of boundaries or personal space.

You obviously have NOT laid down any laws or else you still wouldn't be having these problems.

If he comes over to play Minecraft - great - he KNOCKS on the door and WAITS to be allowed in.

iPad is NOT his. He can ASK to use it. If the answer is yes, then set a timer for use. Time's up - iPad gets put away.

You need to take control of your home. You need to make sure this kid knows this is NOT his home, these are NOT his possessions and he must respect boundaries. If he cannot do that - he will be sent home. PERIOD.

When he comes over to play and helps himself to your iPad, take it away and send him home.

When he takes an iPad away from your child, take it from him and send him home.

When he invites himself over when you're having a family function, march him home and make it clear he's to STAY at home.

When he picks a fight with your nephew, march him home and make sure he STAYS at home.

See a pattern here? :) Your house, your rules. Either he follows the rules, and is respectful, or he is no longer welcome in your home. There is NO reason you, or your family, need to let this kid walk all over you when he's around. I'm not saying he is.....yet.....but he might get that way if he's not curbed right now.

Like everyone else has said, you have NOT laid down the law. You've stated your wishes, maybe, but there have been no consequences. The added problem is that your own children are seeing that you can be walked on, and that what you say means nothing. This is not setting you up as an authority figure for THEM, and it's giving the unintended message that if someone is a bully or pushy enough, that bully gets his way.

I would put the iPads away, but that's too passive a response unless you are actually taking it out of the child's hands. So is just locking your doors - it doesn't tell him what the rules are. I would sit him down with your children, and say, "Listen, kids, we're going to talk about manners. This is what I expect in my house, and this is what I expect my children to do when they go to someone else's house. You will ring the bell, and you will wait for the door to be opened. You will say hello to the parent and ask if you can play with Johnny. Then you WAIT for the response." You let him know that he is welcome at your home only when well-mannered and although you are happy he is comfortable, he is taking advantage.

Then you explain that playing is limited to the family room, the basement or the yard (or whatever your rules are). Kids (or any guests) DO NOT go into someone else's bedrooms or any other rooms not designated as acceptable, kids do not help themselves to snacks or drinks, they ask where the bathroom is or for a drink of water (not anything else - the host offers), etc.

When Neighbor Boy comes in the next time, you say, "I didn't hear the bell, Joey - come with me to the front porch and let's make sure it is working." Then MAKE HIM press the bell or practice knocking loud enough that he can be heard if you are in the back of the house. This should take enough time away from his preferred activity that he will learn. Tell him that there is no play time for kids who don't appreciate the generosity of the owners of the home. The next time he does it, he is sent away, sent home. The third time, he is banned for a week, no excuses. This will also teach your children that you mean business and that they can't expect you to just bluster about expectations without following through. Also let them know that, if you hear from another parent that they were anything less than well-mannered, you are coming to pick them up and they will come home (and not to the iPad or Mind Craft).

If there is a family gathering or other party, you let the neighbor know that you have company, this is not a good time, and the boys will see him tomorrow. Then send him away.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission or cooperation.

The other issue to address with your own children, besides manners, is safety. So many people have guns because they fear intruders - waltzing into a house unannounced and uninvited is incredibly dangerous! My son used to take care of a neighbor's dogs, but one time they came home earlier than expected, and my son used they key they had given him and went in the house unknowingly. Their car was in the garage and he didn't see it. They were upstairs, and the husband grabbed the gun and said he was a "shoot first, ask questions later" kind of guy. That was the last time my son took care of their dogs, believe me.

Why don't you just take it back? If someone comes into my home and "takes" something I want to use or just don't want them to have, I have no problem saying "Thank you" as I take it out of their hands. As for the walking in, keep the front door locked. And if he comes to family events uninvited, tell him it's a family event, and he'll need to go and come back later or tomorrow.

Really, these are easy things if YOU have control of your household. Doesn't sound like you do. You are the adult - stand up and take control!

I don't think you're being firm enough with him. You say you've laid down the law, but he's still walking all over you. It doesn't sound like he respects you as an authority figure.

There is no way I'd just let a neighbor kid walk into my house. He would have to knock on the door, and be invited in.

It sounds like you need to sit down with him and his parents and let him know that he will no longer be allowed over unless invited. And IF he's invited, he will be expected to respect you and your home. He will not be allowed to wander all over the place or touch ANY of your electronics unless given express permission to do so.

If he causes trouble with your nephew at family events, then he should no longer be welcome at family events.

Do not allow yourself to be a doormat.

Lock your doors. If he doesn't follow the rules, he needs to leave. It's YOUR HOUSE.

He cannot walk into your house, whenever HE wants... if you leave your doors LOCKED.

He cannot come into your house, and use things like it is his... if you KEEP IT away from him... and where he cannot find it.

He cannot play Minecraft with your son... if you tell your son NO playing with him, if he is here.
You see, your son, ALSO plays Minecraft with him. Tell your son, NO playing anything, with him.

Take that kid (is he a kid).... BACK to his house, and tell his parents.

Put a no trespassing sign, in your yard etc.

TELL HIM NO USING OUR IPAD, THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE. GO HOME NOW.

And DOCUMENT that he pretended to shoot you.
TELL his Mom.
Take a photo of him with your cell phone, of him doing all of that.
It is DOCUMENTATION.
He seems, weird....

It is YOUR house.
But you are letting him make it HIS house and he is doing whatever he wants... IN your house.
How come?
He even invites himself to your home and all your family events and makes trouble.
WALK him home, your Husband should do this... and take him to his house and TELL his parents.
And document everything.
JUST in case.

KEEP your home locked. Why even leave any doors open for him to walk in any ol' time?

How old is this kid?

When a kid I'd at our house? They are made to follow OUR rules.
I have NO problem saying to a kid "stay downstairs please" or " time to put the iPad away."

I guess I don't understand your dilemma. Speak up.

Your house, your rules.

Put the iPads away for a while. Let him know that he's there to play. If they want to play Minecraft together, let them come to you together and ask for the devices.

Make expectations clear. When my son has friends over, I remind them where they are allowed to be. (Son's room, common areas, bathroom. That's it.)

I don't know how old the kid is, but kids DO need to be told what the rules are. And reminded if it's been a while since they came over. AND if you find that he's not observing your rules, playtime ends immediately, or you say "you know, we've had a problem with you respecting our house rules, so we're going to take a break on your coming over for a while. We can try it again in (a couple days, a couple weeks... whatever.) Remember, you are the mom. When we've had unruly kids over, I do check them (remind them of rules) and if there is still a problem, when my son asks if we can have them over, I remind him "you know, so and so wasn't stopping when I asked them to stop (whatever the issue is), so we aren't having them over for a while. Parents do not like having kids over who don't listen." Good lesson for both kids.

(I should add-- my son is nearly seven and is in first grade, which is why I am a bit more forgiving... were my son older, there would be a 'you were told once' rule and then that's it.)

The title had me going in a different direction.

This is your house/home. You are in control of what goes on inside the four walls. You can lock your doors. That might be the best thing in this day and age. When you say something mean it and follow through on whatever punishment you have assigned to the situation. Tell your children when so and so comes over, there will be no electronics played. You will go outside in the back yard and play and get fresh air.

If the child comes over tell him how things are going to work. you don't want that put the toy/electronics in time outs or in another room off limits for the duration of the boy. When you have family over and he comes over tell him that he has to go home. When he rings the doorbell and you don't want him in, tell him he has to go home.

Just follow through with a matter of fact tone in the voice and take no prisoners.

the other S.

PS Remember this is your house.

Well...your the adult just put them away. Make your rules clear. If they aren't followed turn off mine craft.

When you see him go some where you don't want him to..kick him out
You don't have to give a reason.

If he doesn't listen he goes home.

All these are problems you can redirect...you don't have to let them be major problems

Just to add my two cents....

I have had issues like this too. I have found that sometimes the kids don't know any better and they are never taught that you need to knock first before you enter someones private home. So I've simply told them, "Make sure you knock next time you come to our house". It's simple manners that some kids just were never taught.

Regarding the ipad... I would simply put them away while he is visiting.

Family Events are exactly that -- Family Events. I would tell him that it is family time and he can come over and play another time.

Good Luck!!!

You really have two options.
#1. The kid isn't welcome in your home anymore, if he can't follow the rules and/or you don't feel comfortable enforcing them.
#2. Explain to your kids that the iPads get put away when that kid comes over. (this would be punishing your children for your inability to enforce the rules)
Good luck.

What is your question?

My children have their own ipads, and most of their friends do as well. I find that their friends will sometimes bring their own. However, I prefer them to PLAY when they are over, and not be on electronics the whole time. So I would put them away if it were a problem.

I'd put the iPads away when he comes over. I would also tell him that he cannot come over when your nephew is there or you have other company. Even if he were family, you could lay down the law...and mean it. The problem is you don't enforce the law, or things would change. If he walks into your home, you 1. need to tell him to go home if he's not been invited and 2. lock your doors.

I would say, you need to put your foot down, as it is your house. Sit him down, tell him the house rules, and if he shows up at a family event, then tell him that your child can't play he has family over, and that he will call him when he can play. If the neighbor child doesn't follow the house rules, then nicely tell him he needs to go home. It's your house, you don't have to let him do what he wants!! If you don't want him using the ipad and you see him with it, take it away and say "I'm sorry, you can't play with that right now" , then put it away in another room and shut the door. Maybe even put a sign up saying "do not enter".

I would hide the Ipads. They are not his property. Lock your doors. Let him know he is welcome to visit but you have certain rules he has to follow. Lay down the law. Its your house.
We have the neighbor kids at our house on a regular basis. Once the neighbor did something similar. I should of made my son stand up to him. The kids was playing with kids in my basement. He told my son I am playing YOU will play when I am done. I told him we share in our house and it was my sons turn.

Your kids can play with their ipads when this boy is NOT at your house. When he is at your house, there are no ipads (you need to hide them). When this boy quickly discovers that there are no more ipads to play with at your house, he probably will stop coming over.

I don't understand how he is crashing your family events? Where are his parents that he can spend hours at your house during a family event? That makes no sense to me. I feel sorry for this boy, because it seems like he has absentee parents and would rather be at your house. Nevertheless, this needs to stop. I would advise against having a chat with his parents (unless nothing else works), but I really think the boy will stop coming over when there are no more ipads for him to play with. Good luck.

Sounds like the little boy may have some underlying issues and you need to speak directly to the parents. Honestly, sounds like he maybe on the spectrum (most likely an Aspie). I would let his parents know that you have noticed that he doesn't seem to understand certain boundaries and even though you love having him over, you need their help as it is causing some issues and you don't want to end the kids playing together but things have to change.

If there are no changes from the parents or the kid I would start removing the iPads from the picture - telling your older son that he can use it in another room away from the younger son when the friend is over AND tell your younger son that there will be NO iPad use while the friend is over, they can find other things to do.

Also you need to keep your door locked and when the kid shows up at family events - stop him, turn him around and tell him "it is family time, we will see you later, and walk him out the house/back yard" (keep doing it and if necessary call the parents and tell them - we are having a family event and he can not be over)

Updated

Sounds like the little boy may have some underlying issues and you need to speak directly to the parents. Honestly, sounds like he maybe on the spectrum (most likely an Aspie). I would let his parents know that you have noticed that he doesn't seem to understand certain boundaries and even though you love having him over, you need their help as it is causing some issues and you don't want to end the kids playing together but things have to change.

If there are no changes from the parents or the kid I would start removing the iPads from the picture - telling your older son that he can use it in another room away from the younger son when the friend is over AND tell your younger son that there will be NO iPad use while the friend is over, they can find other things to do.

Also you need to keep your door locked and when the kid shows up at family events - stop him, turn him around and tell him "it is family time, we will see you later, and walk him out the house/back yard" (keep doing it and if necessary call the parents and tell them - we are having a family event and he can not be over)

This is very unusual, that he would pretend to shoot you and cause trouble with family members. You said that you lay down the law, but have you talked to the parents? If you haven't, you should.

Do you keep your doors locked? If you don't, start. Tell his parents how often he is allowed to come, and that he must go by your rules when he comes. If he shows up when he's not supposed to, tell him to go home. And hide the iPads. He needs to understand that he doesn't get to do that.