Nephew Hits My Kid

I have ALWAYS been a VERY hands-on Auntie...If I were in your shoes, I would just take over the situation!

'We do NOT hit'...'We do NOT grab toys away'...'We do NOT call anyone stupid'...etc, etc, etc.

~You really need to have a talk with your sister. it sounds like she needs to adjust her parenting style...a new school is not going to fix anything. You need to somehow get through to her and let her know that something has to be done and that your nephew needs to be disciplined for his bad behavior and it needs to be taken care of sooner rather than later.

Just curious? If she thinks disciplining isn't the way to go...what does she do? And does she really think he is just gonna stop with this behavior on his own?

I wouldn't let anyone treat my kid like that.
It doesn't matter if he is family or not.
It's too bad your sister is in denial.
You've got to protect your child from this bully.
A 3 yr old could really hurt a 16 month old very badly.
Maybe Granddad should be taking the 3.5 yr old away from the group instead.
In the mean time - keep your child with you or you stay with him.

Step up and discipline her child for her... since she obviously is incapable. I see it as: Your child is involved, then you have the right to verbally discipline and punish (with non physical punishments).

I am so sorry, It sounds like you need to do some micromanaging of your sister's child. It might not be fun but necessary. I would watch very closely when the kids are all together and cut your nephew off if you see him starting to be aggressive. If your sister isn't going to say something to help the child i would. If he takes a toy I would take it back and tell him he can have it when its his turn. If he hits i would take him out of where the kids are and tell him when he's ready to play nicely he can come back & play. I think you are doing your sister a disservice not talking to het about her child in a nice way. 3 1/2 is very little still he needs help socializing and someone has to do it! See if you can enlist other family members help.

Ever heard of 'rock bottom'? Sometimes a rift is the only way for someone to see that there is actually a problem.

My niece and nephew and son now all get along FANTASTICALLY. Best buds. But we couldn't see them for about 2 years, because they terrorized my son for about 6mo. I threw my hands up, said finis, and spent the next year coaxing him out of the shell he'd grown into (he became terrified of ANY other children... I specifically put him in preschool to work through that fear. After a few months of not being attacked by his classmates he became his previous outgoing self again.) It wasn't just other KIDS he was afraid of though, a lot of trust was broken with ME... since I kept putting him in a situation to get beat up or have his lovies taken from him.

I can't guarantee you, but I'd lay money that right now your sister is saying to herself and others "It MUST be the school's fault, because my son plays just FINE with his cousin."

The temporary 'rift' doesn't have to be drama filled. At least, not on your side of it.

"Love you guys, but until the hitting & name calling thing can be dealt with, we just can't be around."

When you're trying to ease back in (or prior to cutting off all contact until the attacks have ceased) have a Zero Tolerance rule. First hit, first name call... make your goodbyes (hugs and kisses to mom & dad & sis & bro) and scoop up your kiddo and go home. It may only be 5 minutes before it happens, it may be in the middle of dinner, but EACH AND EVERY SINGLE TIME... walk out the door. Don't delay. Scoop up, hug, and walk out.

I don't think you have any choice but to rock the boat. Your sister is refusing to discipline her child and it's physically hurting your child. He's behaving in a way that's going to label him as a bully. And if he's acting like this at school, I doubt that she's "thinking about" moving him to another school. The preschool is probably threatening her about correcting his behavior or else kicking him out for it. I doubt she has much choice in changing schools.

I think that you really need to talk to your sister about this. It's not just hurting your son, it's affecting your relationship with your sister and the family dynamic with everyone else as well. If she still refuses to see this as a problem, then you're just going to have to avoid your sister and nephew to avoid having your son get hurt OR you're going to have to step in as an adult and tell your nephew, "McBrayden, we don't hit." "McBrayden, we don't take toys away from other children. It's time to give that back to Johnny." And then you guide him to do the right thing.

What does your nephew's father have to say about all of this?

you need to intervene. forget whether your sister gets upset or not - as soon as the kid starts getting violent give him a warning -hitting is NEVER okay, and it needs to stop NOW and not happen again (i would say this in full hearing of your sister) if it doesn't STOP, he won't get to play with your son. if he keeps on, pack up and go. you are allowing your son to be treated like dirt for your own feelings's sake. i don't think the answer is butting in and parenting someone else's child. i think the answer is, if your sister won't parent her child, if the child won't act appropriately, then they can both deal with the natural consequences - you getting up and leaving. the kid won't get to beat on your baby anymore, and your sister's feelings might be a little hurt. tough. let them deal with the consequences of how they are both acting.

Family dynamics are difficult, and I'm sure you have reasons for not directly confronting her. While I believe that's the best course of action and should be pursued, it may be time for bribery.

At 3.5 years old, the child is old enough to understand rewards. Invest in a pack of matchbox cars or some inexpensive toy you know he'd love to own. When you arrive, show him the toy. Ooh and aaah over them for a moment. Then offer him this bribe: Nephew, would you like to keep these cars all to yourself?

If the answer is yes, then tell him exactly what he has to do to get them. Don't take toys away from baby, don't hit baby, and be gentle with baby. If you get a three-pack, dole out the cars every hour or so, one at a time, and remind him that you will take back the cars if he misbehaves with your baby. And follow through on your threats. Do not let him keep the cars if he messes with your kid. Just shake your head and in a very calm voice say "It's too bad you made a bad choice and won't get to keep the cars. Maybe next time we come over you might make better choices and get to keep them." It might take a couple of tries, but he just might see that he gets rewarded for good behavior.

If the answer is no, then obviously this won't work. :-)

Good luck--sounds like you're in a tough situation!

Whenever I've been in situations like that where a child is there and is hurting my little one, I'll sit next to my baby and will protect him/her from the other child. I'll talk to whatever adult is there, but I make sure we are with the kids, and I'll sit and protect my baby. I don't make it super obvious that is what I'm doing - I just casually do it. That way I don't have to rely on the other parent to do anything to keep my baby safe. I feel like you and am not okay with my baby being hurt by another little kid.

It doesn't mean her kid is bad, though. Boys especially will be more aggressive, and it's pretty typical. Some do it out of anger, and some do it with no anger but are still more aggressive because they were born as ninjas or Jedi's and must get the "bad guy" (that's how my son is...cute, but sometimes I wish there was an off switch for his quest of world domination).

If it's my child doing the hitting, they either stop hitting asap or else they are done playing (or else they need to go play somewhere else where they can't hurt anyone). I get that she doesn't want to do time-out, but there are other methods of discipline that work just as well. It sounds like she's trying really hard to be a good mom, but she just isn't sure what to do to remedy the situation! You could always tell her about Positive Discipline (which sounds like it goes more along her way of thinking), only positive discipline helps with follow through and how to still discipline and not be a "spineless" parent...which, no offense to her, is kind of what it sounds like she's doing. She knows what she doesn't want to do, but she seems to have a hard time replacing it with something that will actually work. Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelsen are good.

Hey -
You are getting a lot of advice and I know you have to do what you can do. But, the one story I can share is that my brother recently married a woman with teenage kids. I have alwasy wondered how I would be when my kids were teenagers. Where, my brother and his new family came to stay with us. The oldest nephew was about 15 at the time and he mouthed off at his mom and at my brother. Well, they were staying MY house. I just got up and took him by the arm and led him to the bedroom and told him to stay there the rest of the night - he was NOT allowed to talk like that in MY house. Honestly, I was shocked that I did it and I apologized to his parent's later, but I did say that he was not going to act like that in my house.

So, I would say that you have a right to protect your child in your own house (and really anywhere). Specifically, you can take your nephew away from the situation that is causing the disruption. Give the toy back to your child (if the nephew truly took it away. If he picked it up off the floor, then that is different. In my mind, he can keep the toy). If he hits or bites your child, then he needs to be removed and punished (timeout, whatever). And, I think you fully have the right to do that yourself - especially if it is in your own house.

Good luck!
L.

As a parent you have to protect your child at all costs. I know it is uncomfortable to cause issues within the family, but come on~ its your child! You have to stick up for him and when the nephew does this, intervene and say his name and say NO hitting or whatever he is doing, remove him from the situation and put him in time out. There is no excuse for the child to get away with this. Your sister should be doing this already, but since she won't---you have to step in and show the nephew who is boss and what is ok and not ok to do. Removing your child isnt the answer because the nephew gets no consequences. If I were you, I would tell your sister that if X hits or hurts your child anymore, you will step in and deal with the situation however you see fit. If she won't stand up to her own child and show him its not ok, then you will. You have to do this. If your family gets mad, so what? This is in the best interest of your child. Hurting feelings shouldn't even be a factor here.....GL!

M

First of all, you must protect your child. You may remove the child from the situation as your father is doing or you may hover over him, but you must protect him and teach your nephew just like I'm in my 30's already said.

One trick that I've seen done is putting the toy in time out. Your nephew loses the toy, but it may go over better than putting your nephew in time out. You can even scold the toy and tell it that as long as it is causing the boys to fight it must stay in time-out.

Her child wouldn't be allowed over and I'd wonder where he got that from. Its the hitting combined with name calling, he either got it from school or home. Your not punishing your child, but letting her know she won't be having her child around yours if he is going to hit. Does he hit the 6 year old too? If she wants to bring her child over and he hits your child insist she put him in time out or you do it... I know that is going to cause some drama but something needs to be done. Ask her to leave when he hits your child. Say okay I'm sorry playtime is over if you can't be nice to (insert name here) and not hit or not share. And they leave, maybe after a few times he will get it. Sounds like your sis lets her kids walk on her (no offense) so you have to take it in your hands in your house. Does she have a husband or boyfriend? If so, is he nice to the kids or is he aggressive? She reminds me of my aunt, whose son was just arrested for burglary and drugs, but she'd make excuses for his behavior. You can't help her if she doesn't want help, but you can try and you can protect you and yours. A 16 month old can get seriously hurt by a 3.5 year old.

Sorry, but it is time for you to step in- no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. Next time it happens, tell your nephew hitting is unacceptable and that if he can't play nice he will not be able to play with your son- then take him to his mom and let her know that her son is welcome to play with yours- as long as he stops hitting. If he starts taking toys away, you can intervene also by saying, " your cousin had this toy first, you need to give it back. When he is done with it, you can play with it, but lets find you another toy to play with instead."
Your sister might get mad- but let's face it, it's your kid that is being hit and you need to protect him while teaching him that hitting is unacceptable. You also need to make sure that you aren't excusing your son for hitting or taking away toys just because he is still so little- gently reminding and re-directing him will go a long way now so when he is 3.5 he won't be like his cousin.
Good luck! No one likes parenting someone else's kid, but if your child is in danger and being hit- he needs to know that his mom is there to help him out, not just sitting by and biting her lip because you don't want to step on toes( I have been there before and it is awkward, but the mom got the hint after I had to intervene with her child hitting mine because she wouldn't ).
~C.

I would try and have a chat with your sister alone before you see everyone again and tell her that while you understand they are having issues, things have gone a little too far lately and it is time for it to stop. Point out specific instances from the past and tell her it is difficult o be together. Be non-judgmental and say every kid is a handful at some point but at this point, you can't have it anymore and that next time you are together and it happens again a couple things need to occur:

- both of you need to sit with the kids while they play and nip things in the bud right away
- if he does hit or call names, she should remove him immediately and discipline
- if she doesn't, leave and come back another time

I have to say...my cousin terrorized me when i was a kid and neither my mom nor my aunt did anything about it or even believed me. It was horrible! I still can't stand him and I still can't believe they didn't do anything.

Seriously too, if someone treated my kid like that I would feel free to disclipline their kid right in front of them since they aren't. If she doesn't like it/get it, oh well.

Good luck

Next time you're together and her kid hurts your kid, walk up to your sister and slap her across the face then say you're sorry in the same way your nephew tells your son he's sorry. Take her food away from her when she's eating and call her stupid when she's telling a story. See if she gets the message. Repeat as necessary. Protect your son even if it means your sister's toes get stepped on. There's no way a 3.5 year old bully should be playing with a 16 month old if he can't share and play GENTLY with him. Your son is going to get hurt. I wouldn't trust your nephew.

Basically you are more willing to protect your family than to protect your son. Stand UP! He is a bully and you need to step in. I was in the same situation. I did teach my child to do the same thing to him. Guess what...HE STOPPED! Now, with that said, we did teach him that it was only to the cousin to do this to and no one else. My son understood, because it didn't take long for the cousin to figure out not to mess with my son now.
This was 5yrs ago and everything is fine. No one gets hurt now. It was a lesson for my son to know not to let ANYone bully you.
Just my two cents.

So you'd rather have your sister not mad at you than stand up for your BABY? Wow, really?!

Your sister is the problem, not your nephew. It's her responsibility to teach him how to to conduct himself & to correct him & discipline him when he messes up. He obviously has issues that need to be worked on & she is hurting him by ignoring the problems.

Time to stop being a passive doormat & tell her that you're tired of how her son treats your baby, and that you don't want your son thinking that type of behavior is ok. Then, tell her you are unable to bring your baby around her son until a) she can learn how to control her child or b) her child learns how to treat others properly.

It's not ok for your child to be tortured, and for you to be put in this awkward position. Let her be mad. It won't be the end of the world. If she stays mad at you, then it really shows how much denial she's in & what type person she really is. And why would you want to be around someone like that, anyway? The truth hurts sometimes. Just because she's family, doesn't give her the right to let her kid act a fool & expect everyone else to put up with it.