New Parent Problem

I. ~ I wish I had some great advice for you, but that seems to be what ends up happening. The plan is for everything to be 50/50...but it never seems to work out that way. I know!!!

Being a new parent is stressful and it strains your marriage. Communication is the key. You've got to re-adjust. Tell him you understand he goes to work when you are asleep and may need sleep when he first comes home but that you need help during the evening. Suggest that you create a new plan (your plan should change every 3 months to keep it fresh and you will find that your babies needs change which alter the plan). Each of you need special time with your daughter so add that into your plan...
I. - Cooks Mon, Wed, Fri while husband has special time with daughter. Husband cooks Tue, Thurs. (this could be brought in from a restaurant or drive through if your husband doesn't cook) while I. has special time with daughter. On Mon, Wed, Fri I. takes bathtime (or something else) as her special time. Tue, Thurs. husband takes bathtime (or something else) as his special time.

Spend time on Sunday trying to lighten the weekly load - prep bottles, pack diaper bag, PREP MEALS FOR WEEK and especially for the following evening (having meatloaf tomorrow go ahead and mix it up, refrigerate and pull out tomorrow to cook - you've just saved yourself 15 minutes cooking time tomorrow!) Make mini muffins on Sunday as a fast breakfast that you can grab and eat on the go. Crockpot meals are wonderful at lightening the load.

Decide what chores can wait until the weekend. Be careful not to take on the role of his mom - telling him to do his chores - make it a kind reminder when you have to do so.

I was a stay-at-home mom and when I went back to work my husband knew I did a lot more than he did, but when I was really exhausted we agreed to make a list of each of our responsibilities-- I'm not talking about making a list of what we are agreeing to do-- I'm saying that we sat down and listed in black and white all the things that were his responsibility and then listed all of the things he tood for granted that I did... he came up with even more things than I was thinking of, like not only did I do the obvious like run and empty the diswasher, but I also scheduled the kids' doctor's appointments and was the one who took them to the doctor, I planned our family vacations, etc.... Seeing a 3 page list of my responsibilities next to his short list of "bring home paycheck, take out trash, squash bugs" was a big eye opener!! Instead of making a new list of which chores we'd split up, he just started taking on more responsibilities without me having to ask as much. Like he decided to go grocery shopping, he'd clear the dinner dishes, he'd throw in an occasional load of laundry.... Some men just have no idea what needs to be done and if you ask they're happy to help. You may get frustrsted that you have to actually ASK (no one ASKS you to do things! You just do them because you know they need to be done!!), but you may be surprised at how much he is willing to do if you give him small tasks

Hi I.! My husband and I also both work. He leaves out earlier than I do however I come home later. So what we do is since I don't have to be at work until later, I get our son up for school and while I'm getting ready for work, I'll get laundry started, clean up any dishes, and any other little chores that I do in a couple minutes. I also usually come home for lunch so I will continue this during my lunch. His job when he comes home is to continue or finish what I've started for the day and cook dinner 3 nights a week. (I cook on Sundays, two nights are leftovers or what we call a "Fend-For-Yourself" night, and we usually go out to eat for "Family Night" on Fridays. If I need him to do anything else specific that's not in his normal regime, then I leave him a note on his home desk. We reserve the weekends for us BOTH to do any dusting, vacuuming, yardwork, etc.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but no matter how much your husband helps out around the house and with the baby, you will always do more, simply because you're the Mommy. And, while some women are blessed to have husband who truly do share the duties 50/50, I think in the vast majority of households, it is the Mommy that always does more. That's just part of life as a Mommy.

I work full time and have two small children (15 months and almost 3yo) and my husband is great with the kids. He does help with housework and taking care of the kids a great deal and I am so blessed to have him, but still, I always end up doing more and "picking up the slack". In the beginning I fought it, and I was always on his case that everything should be 50/50. But that wasn't making either of us happy, and just made me resentful, made him feel like I didn't appreciate the stuff he was doing, and added stress to a situation that is already stressful on a marriage (adjusting to life with a new baby).

I talked to other moms, and relized that (surprise) men are not moms! I actually have it a lot better than some, especially single mothers (I honestely don't know how they do it). So, I chose to change my attitude and my thinking. I am grateful for every bit that my husband helps, and I am okay with the fact that, even though we both work full-time, my life is different than his because I'm the Mommy (and hey, I wouldn't trade that for the world!)

Good Morning, I.~ It sounds like you and I have VERY similar lives. I work full time, have a 5 month old, and my husband's schedule isn't as set as my 8-430 gig. Anyway, I'm very fortunate because my husband is the clean one of the relationship. From the beginning, I had the mentality of "this is a 50/50 parenting household no matter what!" I tried to instill that he would either drop her off everyday or pick her up. That lasted like a day! Now we've fallen into somewhat of a routine, which I've come to love. I'm mama and the baby is my responsibility and ya know what? That's ok! I honestly get sad if I'm not the one dropping her off/picking her up everyday. She gets fed right before bedtime (930) and when we get up (no later than 630), other than that, she doesn't eat during the night. So neither of us have to get up for "nighttime" feedings and I make sure she stays on schedule and my husband helps around the house with cleaning. We share the cooking responsibility.

Maybe if you reinforce that you are the primary caretaker of the new addition and he is the primary person to keep the house straight, he would get back on board. Then on weekends, you 2 can share/swap responsibilities.

Good luck!

Hi I.. I have been in that same situation before. It all tends to be very stressful and nerve racking. The best thing for you to do would be for you and your spouse to both sit down and talk about this. Let him know you aren't fussing at him or nagging but you need to get some things off your chest and talk. Then tell him how you feel. Let him know that you love him and your daughter and couldn't ask for two better people to spend your life with. But you both work very hard and to make things easier on each of you the workload of taking care of the home and the infant she be taken care of together. Let him know that each of you working together makes the situation alot easier on both of you and things will be done quicker therefore leaving more time to do anything you may want to do or enjoy doing before your day ends. Also ask him if there's anything on his mind he would like to talk about that is bothering him. Is there anything stressing him out that you both can work on to make better. Let him express his self too. There may be things that are eating at him too. Hopefully this will work, it helped me and my husband when we were both working. When something bothered us we tried to sit down and talk it out and let each other know what was eating at us and how could we resolve it by working together and making it easier on both of us. Good luck and let us know how it works out.

S.

I.,
Perhaps your husband is feeling overwhelmed and instead of being upfront and admitting it, he is trying to put it off on you. The communication lines have got to be open and honest. You should ask him when there is a good time to sit down and talk over the issues. Then at his time table, sit down and make a list of all the things that need to be done and how much time it takes to do them and figure out how they can be divided up. Once you divide them, let him have full responsibility for his part. If it goes undone, let it go. If after a week, it is still not done, do not do it for him. Let him be in charge of doing his own laundry and such. When he has no clean clothes, he will begin doing what he has committed to do. You have to be willing to let him fail, in order to see him succeed. Most of all, no reminders and no nagging.

I.
I don't have any good advice on this because I just ended up doing it all at first b/c I was a stay at home mom, but then when I went back to work I asked hime to step up & help & he didn't. Now since I never actually spoke up or communicated well our marriage is full of resentment on my part so I say nip it in the bud! Make sure he really knows how you are really feeling don't be shy Give him a list & ask him to stick to it. let me how it went.

Gosh, a common problem no matter what the circumstances, keeping a clean house plus a baby is a hugh job; with or without a job outside the home. I found that hiring a cleaning person(s) was my best solution. That way the house always gets back in order once a week and you both can get you energy back to spend on baby duties. I built that $ into my budget even if I had to sacrifice. Talk about it with your spouse, don't be silent. Good luck

I found that my infant son loved watching me fold clothes. I would turn it into a fun activity for him, and it made it much more enjoyable for myself. Everything takes a little longer, but accomplishing one task each evening on top of being a mom is a lot! My son is 8 months old now and what worked 4 months ago is different now. I still find the time to take a nap with him every once in awhile, the laundry will be there when you wake up, but that moment with your child can't be relived. You are right that there are many double income households, and it seems that mothers cannot step back from that role no matter what. We want the best for our families, and that is beautiful. It is our nature to be this way, and no matter what never feel guilty for spending the extra time with your daugther instead of doing the floors!

You need to stand up for yourself. Demand more from him. If you don't nip it in the bud quickly, this is what the rest of your life will look like.

I'm quite sure that this isn't going to be a popular suggestion, but.. is it possible for you to be a SAHM? You said most households run on 2 incomes... maybe... I wouldn't say that "most households" run WELL "on 2 incomes"... Checked the divorce rate lately? Perhaps you could "revisit" the issue. Then you wouldn't have the issues of working all day and then doing everything at home too. Probably your husband would prefer to be bringing home the bacon and have you doing the household duty (obviously he prefers the 2nd half.. b/c that's what he has gotten to happen).. This is NATURAL. Talk to him about it... my husband would MUCH prefer that I be home. I miss things about working outside the home (appreciation for a job well done, personal accolades, etc)... but it is SO much better for our FAMILY that I am home. Men in general don't end up with the Dr appts, dentist appts, soccer practice, getting thru homework, grocery shopping, duties... nobody ever "assigns" them... So you get them by default. So, if at all possible, TAKE them. Just do it full-time...
You and your husband (and your baby) might be a lot happier 5 years from now... even if you do have to forego the newest and latest technical gadgets and eating out frequently or a new SUV. You can always go back after your kids are off at school... if you decide it is worth it then.
Best of luck!

I had the same probelm, I was told that I did nothing all day
I got up and cleaned with in an hour. But I didn't want my husband to be a liar, so stopped doing any thing. The apology was made about 4 days later.

Sounds like you just need to read your post to him. I think you said it all right there.
T.

You are not in it by yourself. ALL mommy's find themselves in this same situation. My son is now 14 months old, and I have done it all from the beginning. NO matter what I say or do, I do it all. I also have two step daughters 17 and 10 they live with us four days a week. And I can't get them to pick up any extra chores. So, I have just given up. I decided, to only clean up when I am ready, cook if I want to and spend all of my extra time with my son. Life goes by two quickly, too waste time. The other stuff will be there when you get there. My husband works from 9am until 8pm, so I hardly ever see him. I work from 8-5. As for dinner, I bought a lot of frozen fend for yourself kind of food. And that is what everyone does. I cook on Sundays. And whenever I feel like it. I feed my son and myself. And I am sure once they catch on, they will want to help in someway. GOOD LUCK, but remember enjoy the time with your baby, she will be grown before you know it, and all you will remember is you had a clean house.

Congratulations on your baby girl! Have you ever heard the expression that it takes a village to raise a family? It is true. I feel for you. I am a stay at home mom and I still expect my husband to do a "fair" amount of help. Just remember that the housework will not be done as well as it was before and do what you can. He may pick up the slack when he can't find clean clothes for work. Sleep deprivation can cause forgetfulness, weight gain, and many other symptoms that my affect your work. Try explaining to him that if you want to keep your job, you need to get some sleep. Good luck and let us know if it gets any better.
K. D

I think most of us go through this... I think the men just need a refresher course in what they are supposed to be doing and why every so often or they "forget". With mine, I got sick of refreshing, so I gave him very specific duties and he tends to keep to them - I also put a list on the fridge of what he has to do as a reminder. You have to work out what works best for you - like I dont want my dh near the laundry so I'd rather have him strip the beds and make dinner a couple nights a week so I have some extra time to get caught up on laundry duty... As far as the nightly feedings, I dont know what to tell you there as I've been pretty lienent on my dear hubby with this issue. I guess its just easier for me to do it - and just think, it dosent last that long, she will be sleeping through the night before you know it! WIth my first kid (son) my husband shared the night feedings, but with my daughter (6 mo.) he hasnt waken for a night feeding yet. We both get up to go to work early, so theres really no excuse for him not sharing in this duty, I guess I just dont mind that much cause I know how fast the time goes and I already miss that special time with my son!