New Teen Advice

Hello. My daughter is 12. Here is my rule. She may go to friend "A's" house. If friend A decides to go visit friend "B", my daughter has to come home or call me for permission to tag along over to "B".

Alot of people would not agree with my advice, but I was raised this way, and I'm raising my 13 year old this way, and it seems to work well for us. I feel that you shouldnt shelter your children from anything because they will not know how to handle themselves when in that situation when out on their own. I beleive in being open with my daughter and talking about all of the dangers. I usually give her examples of people who did not make the best choices (including myself at times) when faced with what ever problem I'm afraid she will face in this type of situation. I tell her about sexual predators online and some of the lengths they will go to to deceive young girls. I tell her about boys and peer pressure. I talk to her about what her friends are doing and dont judge them, only point out how their behavior will effect their lives. I beleive she feels she can come to me with any concern and be open about what she is doing. I think that if you forbid these girls from going to friends houses and such, they will sneak around and find ways to do what you dont want them to do (and do it in an uninformed way) which can lead to some serious problems. Like the old saying goes "give me a fish, feed me for a day...teach me to fish, feed me for a lifetime" I say "live their life for them, protect them for today...give them the tools and advice they need, they will always be able to make the right choices for the rest of their own lives."

As a former teacher and now a therapist, I have seen and heard it all, and it usually starts with stories just like yours. There are many studies of overindulged children whose parents want to be "friends" with their kids, not mentors with boundaries and expectations of their kids' respecting these boundaries. When these roles become blurred, parents congratulate themselves on their "independent" children when, in fact, this "independence" masks a lack of consistent parenting and discipline. Kids growing up without this guidance develop a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and grandiosity at a very high price, often leading to taking risks with their own health and safety because they haven't been taught anything else. Discipline means teaching. Teach your daughters that you care enough about them to monitor their well-being. You can't control how other people bring up their children, only where you allow your children to spend time. Process with your girls that your concern is not intended to be punitive, only protective. Kids this age will make faulty decisions, but if you allow them the dignity of bringing the consequences of a bad decision to you to discuss, not in shame or rage, then you allow them the gift of learning how to open up to you, brainstorm options, and negotiate the best possible outcome. Stand firm in your values. They will respect you for that!

It sounds to me like things are better than you realize... your girls went over to the boys' house when the other mom said they could go... they didn't just head over there on their own or sneak out! And they told you what they'd been doing! And twins will tend to watch out for each other.

I think that their willingness to talk to you is especially important. Most of the time, try not to judge what they tell you they've been up to, no matter what. Aim for at least half an hour a day or more where you just listen. Maybe ask a few questions to get them thinking about their own judgment. Did they like those boys? What would they have done if the other girls had wanted to go over to the boys house but they thought the other boys were mean or scary? Suppose the boys had been smoking? Suppose the other girls had told themn to keep the visit a secret? Suppose they had promised and then something really bad had happened? Just ask and let them answer for themselves (kind of like the game Scruples).

Maybe no problems will come up. But if some do, at a separate time from listening time, maybe once a week, sit down with them to talk about the house rules and reinforce any reminders. If you feel that they are running into peer pressure or other problems they can't handle, ask them to rehearse a scene with you. A good one at this age is just rehearse saying "no, that won't work for me" to various things that their friends might ask them to do.

Hi C.,
I have a 19 year old daughter, so I know exactly what you're going through! Middle school and the first couple years of high school are pretty tough transition years, especially for girls (at least I think so). I also had a hard time letting go a little, but it must be done. I was raised by very strict parents, as were most of my friends, and when we got to college it was like "GAME ON!!"....we all went a little crazy. I decided to give my daughter plenty of reasonable leeway to make her own decisions (and mistakes) so she got a dose of freedom and learned how to handle it before being on her own at college.
With that said, you also need to set very clear rules and limits. In our house, for example, my daughter was not allowed to be at a friend's house when there were no parents home, she couldn't drive with anyone other than friends' moms, I had to know where she was ALWAYS, homework had to be done before fun on the weekends, etc. Pick which rules are most important to you and make them non-negotiable. I always found that it helped to post these rules (in writing, in the kitchen) so there was no "but I forgot" excuses given for breaking them!
I also encouraged my daughter to have her friends over our house, even though the noise and chaos sometimes got on my nerves. I figured that I'd rather have all of them under my roof and feel like they could have fun there. That was better than the alternative of wondering if they were being supervised properly in another home.
Good luck with your new teens and remember, they don't say that "raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree" for nothing :)

Hey C.- we live close to my aunt, who has a 13 year old daughter. She asks for my advice a lot, as I'm closer to my cousin's age than to hers! I agree with the poster who said set a few certain, non-negotiable rules, post them, and do NOT let them be broken, ever. My parents and now my aunt does this, and I think I was a pretty good kid as a result (ha). Things like my curfew, who I got to ride in a car with (not unless they had a license over a year), and where I went when were very strictly enforced. If i was at Sally's house and we wanted to go to Susies, I had to call my mom before we left to tell her. She would always ask if a parent was there, but left it at that. She respected me enough to not call and check on it, but trusted me at my word. That little act of respect really made me want to not lie to her. It's a lot of give and take in terms of respect. you want to make rules that are laid in stone, but you want to let your kids know you trust them to follow them. If you check up on them constantly, they're going to think you don't trust them, so why should they respect you. That being said, use your instinct. if it doesn't strike you as being "on the level" - do something about it. Kids respond when rules are clear and set, and the consequences for breaking them are consistent. If i broke a rule or even bent it I too had to forfeit something- my car, the tv, a trip i had planned, etc.
After rules come expectations. Your daughters need to know what you expect of them, and in turn what they can expect from you. Example, my parents always said to me that they expect me to not do drugs, drink, drive fast, get in the car with someone i don't know, etc, to comport myself as a lady, etc BUT that if I did any of these things and found myself in a tight spot, all I had to do was call, and they would come and pick me up, no questions asked, and I wouldn't get in trouble for calling for help. I thought that was the best thing they ever taught me, and i know it saved my life more than once. It made me want to talk to my parents, and made me want to be "good"- because of the trust on both sides.

Good luck!!! this is probably the hardest time of your life AND theirs!!

Dearest C. ~

NOW is the time to be EXTRA careful! I would rather trust a 12 year old home alone over a teenager any day of the week! There is SO much more trouble they can get into and they are no longer as afraid as they used to be, not to mention the peer pressure.

I don't allow my daughter to be at other's homes without parental supervision. She must call and ask permission from ME (not just get it from the other parent) if she wants to go ANYWHERE other than where she has been given permission to be. I always talk to the other parent and let them know what my rules are for my daughter regarding computer use, TV or movie watching, etc. I also ask to make sure there are no accessible or unlocked firearms in the home, if alcohol is kept in the home and, if so, where, as well as inquire about who else will be in the house (a teenage brother, stepdad, uncle, etc...?) I do not believe you can be too careful these days. I know this might sound extreme to most, but look at the trouble so many teens get into. We truly do need to keep a close eye on them. They have not yet fully developed the brain function that controls responsible decision making (that doesn't happen until into the twenties).

My daughter also knows that she is NEVER to have friends over when I or her father are not home. This can be a real problem in the summer for those parents that work. I only work part time and am not gone too long during the day, but I ask the neighbor to just keep an eye out when I am gone and let me know if they observe any other kids coming around.

C., don't let your standards down just because other parents do. It's hard to be strong these days, but we owe it to our children to be as diligent as we possibly can be. It's OUR JOB as parents to guide and protect. I wish you the best and STAY STRONG - your children will appreciate you SO MUCH for it, once they are fully grown!

~ K.

My two - ages 15.5 and 13 know there is no point in asking if they can go to a home where they aren't supervised. They know that if they leave a home where I have left them to go elsewhere, they had darned well better call first or they will NOT be going back. I'm the "meanest mother on the planet" and that's okay with me.

I let them go by allowing them to attend church camp for a week, band camp for a week, and other camps like that where they are strictly supervised. My teens aren't interested in hanging with friends all the time, but that's probably because we live out in the country. It's hard to get to places out here without Mom driving. :-)

The older they get, the more attention they need. I volunteer in the schools. I chaperone most events. I am always watching. I tell them I have eyes in the back of my head and so do the other moms. They cannot get away with anything.

I talk to my children about the behavior I expect and if I don't get that behavior, there are consequences. The older they get, the more they need to learn to think ahead, be responsible, and figure out the best solution. This is when your children need you most. Do NOT let them go...

Go with your gut.
If your gut tells you that you don't want your children at a specific house, then don't send them.
Your gut will never let you down.

Welcome to the world of the teenager! Set up your ground rules and make sure to remind your daughters of them often. Try to make your home as teen friendly as possible and allow your kids and their friends to hang out at your house. Get to know your daughters friends parents. This is a must for sleepovers and be sure to pass along your expectations to the parents so that everyone is on the same page. My 15 year old is only allowed to "hang out" at her friends homes if a parent is at home. A great book that I can recommend is Fighting Back- by Keith Deltano. It has lots of great tips for computer, text messages, teen friends, dating and parent relations. Good Luck

I wish I could tell you an easy answer, or any answer for that matter. It's an ugly, dangerous world out there and the older our kids get, the less control we have in protecting them. I have 3 teens (13, 14, 16). We have lots of shields at home -- partental controls on computers, TV, cell phone use, etc. I don't let them go to other people's homes I don't know or don't agree with their standards. Even so, they do end up seeing movies and doing other things I don't like because it's just to hard to control everything and I don't want them to hate me and rebell too much. A lot of it comes down to their own internal self-control and good judgement, as well as their ability to resist going along with whatever their peers are doing. That depends more on their personalities and maturity level (2 things we parents can do little about). My 16 yr old has good judgement and self-control, and equally mature friends (so far!). The other 2 kids (13, 14) have the potential to get into real trouble (little self-control and are implusive) so I am scared to death about them eventually hanging with the "wrong" friends and getting into real trouble. I keep talking to them about good judgement and self control as being the only real signs of becoming mature. I don't think they care too much about that when the alternative is instant fun. So that is my non-answer to you. It's hard and it gets harder. At some point, they will be adults and on their own. The transition to that is long and hard. My only practical advice is to make your house as appealing to your kids friends as possible and try to get them to hang out more at home. Also, call their friends' parents and try to work as a team. Good luck!

C.,
My first thought is that you must have a good relationship w/ your daughters because they told you the truth. If you think about it....if they hadn't mentioned where they went or what they watched, the chances are pretty high that you may never have known...so pat yourself on the back in that regard.
I also know how hard it is....I have three teens, 15, 13, 12 and it's a really tough time. Making those split second decisions of how to react can really be stressful. I think rules are a must; we must accept that our kids wont always 'like' us while they're teens, and that will pass, but they will thank us later;)
Remember to let them know how much you appreciate thier honesty with you..that's sooooo important and shows good character.
And, as a side note, I am an identical twin, and that's a whole other post topic!;) Remember that your girls will struggle with an identity crisis that is different and more profound than any one around them. I purposely went to college hundreds of miles away from my twin just to find out who I really was and for others to know me for me...not just 'the twin'. You have an extra set of issues to deal with, if I had it to do over again I would have gone in seperate directions from my sister at a younger age so I could see myself( as in signing up for different sports, classes, interests without the sister being there). Don't get me wrong..we were very close...but that was just it...I was never used to being responsible for myself w/o her being there with me and when I got to college I went off the deep end..it wasn't pretty. So try to get them some time where they can test themselves w/o thier twin always being there to cover for her. And if you want to email me personally about this, feel free to send me a personal message :)
It sounds like you are already doing some things right...so hang in there...if all else fails we could always lock them in thier rooms until they are 18!LOL!
Blessings,
L.

Hi C.,
A lot of the advice that you have received is really good. I encourage you to continue to do what you are doing with your girls. Even though your daughters told you the movie they watched, still be mindful of things that could be going on as well. Not to say that your daughters are participating in these things but it can happen. I agree with the other Moms that when your daughters decide to leave one house they need to call and get permission to go to another house. When my daughter would ask me if she could go to a friend's house that I had not met, I would ask for the phone number to where she would be. Then I would tell her that I would feel more comfortable contacting the parents to make sure that it was alright for her to come over. I would explain to her that sometimes friends will invite you over without getting their parents permission and if something happened I didn't want her to be blamed for it. She understood, so she didn't mind me calling the parent. Doing this allowed me to get a view on the parent(s) to see if they are responsible, will they be home when my daughter is there and whatever else I needed to find out. However to my daughter I was just making sure that it was alright for her to be over there. Don't feel that you are being controlling. At 13, they are still children. You set the rules, go over them with your daughters. If you haven't set curfews, do so. Make sure they understand that if the rules are not followed they will be punished. However, there are times when they may end up in situations that have gotten out of their control. Help them to understand that they can come to you at anytime if this should happen. I would always tell my daughter that if she ended up somewhere and she did not feel comfortable she could always call me and I would come get her. I helped her to understand that I knew she would sometimes make mistakes and not always make the correct choices. So when she realized that her choice was not the right one before she let it go too far, call me. If at anytime you feel that the environment is not safe for your daughters, you tell them no and explain why. They may not agree with you at that moment but in time they will understand and thank you for the times that you did say no. Be blessed!!!

The other advice you got was terrific; I agree, this is the time to be MORE strict, not to worry about "I know I need to let them go...." Yes, they will resent you for a while. Maybe a long while. They will whine and complain. But you are the parent, not the best buddy.

Consider helping them build constructive outlets and organized activities for their time with friends. Are they just hanging out all summer around the house? That's how inappropriate activities, R-rated videos, visits to boys you don't know, etc., happen. If they do hang out, be there, not always in the room, but nearby, and keep doors open and computers off limits.

How about some structured things--classes, camps (which may already be full, unfortunately), sports lessons (group or individual), etc. Look in things like your county's parks and recreation department web site (ParkTakes magazine if your'e in Fairfax County, or www.fairfaxcounty.gov/parks). They want to be with their friends, they complain? Well, talk to the friends' parents and get some friends to sign up WITH them! Not everything is a lengthy camp; some events are one-time, one-afternoon things at nature centers, rec centers, etc.

Or take them -- you have to drive them, so you have to chaperone -- and a few friends to:
--Play mini-golf (there are courses all over if you seek them out)
--Swim at a rec center (you do not have to be a member of an expensive private pool to swim! You pay a few bucks per swimming visit at most county rec centers)
--Play Frisbee at a park
--Do a craft class at a Michaels or other craft store; make sure it's geared toward older kids like them. Michaels stores do craft parties for a certain minimum number of kids--it costs but could be great for your girls if they are crafty and they INVITE FRIENDS to it.

Invite the parents of the friends so you and they get to know each other. Thirteen is a teenager but still needing supervision, and you need to KNOW the parents, especially if your kids want to hang with their kids at other times.

Final thought - I hope that the friend they saw whose mom let them go elsewhere is now on your list of friends they do not ever see except at YOUR home. The mother's letting them go to a third place without your explicit permission was way out of line; they could have gone anywhere with anyone. The household where they saw that film was way out of line. You are right to be worried about movies and computer use. I know no family wants every activity to be regimented, but maybe outlets for fun with friends invited along would help you get to know the parents and help them feel things are fun but without these unsupervised "playdates." Good luck.

I have preschoolers, not teens, but theya re my two girls, and if this were me in ten years I would freak out. we are and will be strict on our girls as well, and I wold not let my girls go to a home wiht little/no/inapropriate supervision to my liking either. Yes, we need to let go somewhat and they need to learn, sometimes the hard wya, which I relaize, but I know this-most of the friends I hung out wiht were people hwo knew my parents fairly well. One of those frineds parents still get together wiht my parents and my family all year long. My point is that I would definatley be picky about who my girls hang out with and where they go. My paretns always had me call to check in when I was a teen-especailly when I started driving. If I didn't check in I was in big trouble. And like I said, my parents got to know the parents and friends that I hung out wiht as best thye could. Why don't you let your girls invite thier frinds over? I know that if I don't agree wiht my girls future frinds, then as long as my husband or myself would be home I woudl invite thier frinds over so they could hang out. They would still see thier froinds and I could watch from a distnace, adn possibly even get to know the frinds, and who knows, I might find out i like their frimeds? NAyway, I know you probably think I am too young to give my opinion because I don't have teens, but this is my perspective, at least at age 27 :)

Hi C.,

I have a 13 year-old girl and I have to agree with the other advice you've been given. One way that we help our daughter be with her friends during the summer is to arrange with her friend's parents for them to do camps together (either as a camper or as a counselor -- this year my daughter is mostly being a camper, but she is being a counselor-in-training with a friend for one week). Also she has done swim team with her friends. I don't have any other suggestions for you beyond what people have already said, but I wanted to encourage you that, although it's tough to know how to handle things, you are doing a great job!

Hi, C..

I don't know how much advice I have to offer, but I can definitely understand where you are right now. I have a fifteen year old daughter who just finished her freshman year of high school, and we have encountered some similar situations.

I agree with most of the other posters who recommend that you set certain hard and fast rules--and stick to them. Establishing the consequences for breaking those rules is also recommended. Unfortunately, you can't always know what your girls will be doing 24/7, and they will push the envelope. However, if you do stick to your rules and enforce consequences for their infractions, it may deter them.

I also agree that having your girls friends at your home is a key. If they are under your roof, you know what is going on and can monitor it appropriately.

I would also stress that you know your girls best--even though they may seem like strangers right now. My daughter is easily swayed by her friends and lacks the maturity to stand up for herself in a questionable situation. Therefore, we have to be that much more cautious about her activities.

You are not wrong to be worried about the dangers outside your home. Nor are you wrong to periodically review their texts, monitor web content, etc. Although it may feel as if you are invading their privacy, if they know ahead of time that you will be monitoring their communications, it may help keep things more manageable from the start.

I agree with your statement about feeling as if you have never been a parent before. I'm right there with you. I try to take one day at a time and hope and pray for the best. There are some good books available about parenting teens. One that I particularly enjoyed was The Girl in the Mirror.

Go with your gut. If it doesn't seem right it probably isn't. Take some time for yourself. The next few years are going to be challenging, at least they have been for me.

Good luck, and remember, someday your girls will really appreciate your diligence even if they aren't too happy about it right now.

Been there, doing that. I definately agree with having the girls over to your house sometimes so they know you and you know them. I'd also get their contact info (theirs and their parents') so that if there was ever an emergency, they can be contacted.

We have a rule that if a kid goes somewhere else (like your girls did), he/she needs to call and get permission first. If my stepdaughter has permission to be a Suzy's house, then we expect her to stay at Suzy's house. Going to Johnny's house (even if Suzy's parents were fine with it) without our permission may result in her not going to Suzy's house anymore. What one parent determines is okay for his/her kid isn't necessarily okay for guests. Whenever I take the kids' friends somewhere (to the pool, or the mall, etc.), I have them call home and talk to their parents first. I want to at least know that they know where their kid is. Most have cell phones these days, so there's no excuse.

We also let the kids know that if they are ever stuck in a situation where they know they shouldn't be there/aren't comfortable, we will happily be the bad guys. We've picked up the kids when a kid they didn't trust was at the friend's house or if the friend wanted to watch a questionable movie, etc. They may be more comfortable saying, "Mom won't let us watch..." than saying, "I don't want to watch..."

Not to scare you, but once you get past this, you get to navigate those early adult years where they are technically adults, but still need you sometimes and you and they need to redefine the relationship again. Consider this practice. :)

C.,
It is great that you are a sAHM. I have 6 children and have enjoyed being able to be at home with them. I understand the need for them to be with friends. My youngest daughter is going thru that now. She left the house yesterday without telling me she was going. I knew who she was with I knew where she was...however...she broke the house rule. She did not let me know she was leaving. I could look out the window and see her riding her bike with her friend. But she did not ask permission or let me know. So when she came in to get a drink 2 hours later...she had to park her bike and stay in the house. She is now grounded. She cannot leave the house at all. We had the big discussion about predators and such. She must tell me where she is going every time she walks out that door. She is the baby of 6 so by now i'm pretty easy...but not when it comes to safety.

I do not allow going into other people's homes I do not know. I must meet the parent's first to get a sense of what they are about.

I have learned that after all we can do our children will act for themselves. We can teach them our core values and then they will choose their own core values.
My husband and I try to follow the motto of a great leader when he said, " i teach them correct principles and they govern themselves".

I had to take care of my oldest daugther for 3 weeks and leave the 4 youngest at home alone. My husband was working terrible hours. 12 hour days 7 days a week. the 4 kids at home had to take care of themselves. My oldest son lives on his own. He called on occasion.
I returned home to find the house intact. No major injuries, not one child had consumed alcohol or drugs or watched a rated R movie. All our standards had been kept. Dirty dishes lined the table, counter and some were even on the floordirty laundry was piled very high...but my "home" was very much intact.

I really believe that if you instill in your children core values, and the knowledge of your unconditional love...they will "remember who they are". If they stray from it they will come back because they know you love them. Basic standards must be layed out and expectations made. Correct principles must be taught and lived by example...and then allow some freedom to govern themselves. Let them make some decisions on their own. for the most part they will make the right ones. good luck
mj

Do you know the parents of their friends? The first thing that I would do is to plan a day at the pool with the friends AND the mom and/or dad. Get to know the parents. I am the mother of a 13 year old myself and for the most part, I know the parents of her friends fairly well. We are all friends. We go shopping (moms and daughters), we go to the pool, to the movies. Usually together but sometimes the girls go on their own. If I don't know the parents, I make an effort to get to know them. If a sutuation comes up where I don't want my daughter at someone's house, I explain my reasons. You have to also trust that your daughters will do the right thing. Keep the lines of communication open and let them know that it is o.k. to leave if they don't want to watch "Saw" or anything else that comes up. Good Luck.

I don't have advice, I just wanted to say that I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one who is strict on my pre-teen. My son will be 13 in August and I still won't let him watch R movies and do a lot of the things his friends all get to do. My husband says I should just get over it and let him grow up cuz he's a boy and he's being too sheltered (this is his step-son), but I strongly believe that a 13 year old kid is way to immature to handle some of the stuff that's on TV or in movies. I've completely blocked ALL MTV channels and the movie channels all have locks on them -- not even my husband knows the codes to unlock the R movies!

Wow, two teens at once, and girls! Well are they at least hanging out together with other friends? They will have each other in a crisis, but hopefully one of them will be the "level headed one!" I would call the friends mother and let her know how you feel and what rules you expect, plus remind your girls of the rules as well. At least they told you what they are doing! Having an open door policy is the best at that age. They need to know they can come to you without getting into trouble.

Also, there are other moms like you out there. I have a 12 year old! OMG, going on 25 she thinks. I am with www.fredericksburgmommies.com and it's a big help. There is a King George chapter on it and it's fun! Hope to see you there, if you aren't already!