Newly Sahm

As a stay at home your focus is your kids. Your job is your kids. My husband never asks about money, in fact I handle all the fiances. I am in no way a leach, in fact my husband considers my job more important than his, because I am raising our kids, what could be more important than that? Yes we need a home, and food, and I appreciate how hard my husband works to provide these things so that I can stay home and care for our most important asset! To make sure I get the home stuff done, I make a weekly schedule. I have my daily work (kitchen, beds, laundry), and my weekly stuff (sheets, vacuuming, bathrooms, ect) and I set a day for each. Than each day I know what I need to get done, and I make sure it is done before the end of my husbands work day, while being sure I still have most of my time to do what I am home to do, foster the growth of my children. We read together, do crafts, cook, clean, go to zoos and museums, oh it is so much fun at times. It can be hard, very hard, and thankless, and that is why it is so important to keep your eye on the prize, the goal, raising well rounded, happy, productive, and loving children.

It's always a hard transition from working to staying at home, you are having an identity crisis! First, take a big breath and tell yourself what a blessing it was to loose your job so you can try this SAHM thing out! Second, make a plan. When you worked, you knew you only had a specific amount of time to get dinner cooked, etc. Now you have more time. So, make a plan. On Monday's do laundry. On Tuesday's, clean house. On Wednesday's run errands (keep a bag by the door with things you need to return, have a running list of places you need to go like Home Depot for filters, Target for a birthday present, Kohl's for new jeans for the kids, etc. I find no problem with you continuing your workout routine, so just pick some mornings to go to the gym after you drop off the kids so you are home in the evenings now. As for the money, you need to come up with a budget. You can try Dave Ramsey's plan, which is really easy. Basically, you get an envelope for each category of money you'll need to spend. So you'd have an envelope for groceries, clothing, hair cuts, etc. At the beginning of the month, put the money for the month into the envelopes, and spend accordingly. Make sure your budget is realistic! It's not realistic to say you won't spend more than $20/month on clothes if you have kids that need things. That way hubby knows how much to give you and if you need more for something, you guys can discuss it. Make sure you have "me" money too for you to stop and get a starbucks or coke from Sonic or something. Check into www.grocerygame.com or couponmom.com for ways to use coupons to make your food dollar stretch more. It takes some time, but if you are home now, you can use that time to save money at the grocery store to make up for not working. That may help you feel more like you are contributing. I know when I save money at the store and manage to cook most nights, I feel like I'm doing my job as a mom!

Contact me if you want to talk more. I know this is a hard transition for you, but I think you'll find you are more busy than you were before you worked once you get into a routine! Hang in there! It's just an adjustment!

Dear T.:

I've been at SAHM now for going on three years. I had a job that went away with the economy, then cancer (in remission :), then I went back to school to retrain in another field, or that was the plan! I ended up leaving the program and changed my plan to staying at home, rather than racing back into the work force, so I, too, was facing some of your issues.

I, also, was feeling like a leach for not getting a paycheck. My husband pointed out how much we would have to pay someone to clean the house, take care of the yard, shuttle our child to piano and how much driving lessons would cost (our daughter will be 15 next week!). So you are "earning" for your family what these services would cost to contract them away. You are DEFINITELY not a leach!

What helps me stay motivated and also helps to allocate time is to make up a schedule of certain days I get things done, like deep clean of the house on Thursday, laundry on Saturday, et cetera.

I am taking one college class and take private Spanish lessons to keep the brain going and because it interests me, and also helps me assist my daughter with any problems she has in her classes (high school biology is challenging!). I also work out at a gym and run, ride my bike because daily exercise is very important.

My husband and I work on our budget together. We have kind of worked out what things I spend money on and a loose how much. I don't have an allowance, either, but we do have to keep track of funds.

It can be hard sometimes to stay on track, but I like being home when my daughter gets home from school. My husband travels frequently, so my being more available during the day has eased a lot of the stress.

Now that I'm seeing the results of a cleaner house, the HOA no longer sending us nasty notices about our weeds, more home cooked meals and a teenager that actually enjoys sitting down to a cup of tea with her mother and talking, I'm feeling better and better about how much I contribute to our family by being home.

Hope this helps.

L. F., mom of a soon to be 15-year-old daughter

P.S. I wanted to add after reading the other postings, I do work very part-time, as a crossing guard. I enjoy the work, the kids are cute, plus I have the same holidays as my daughter. It certainly keeps me from sleeping late every day!

Hi T. - I would find out what volunteer opportunities exist at your childrens' school. In our district parent volunteers can sign up to work once a month (or more) in the cafeteria, supply room, copy room, library, etc. in addition to the many PTA volunteer opportunities. When my children were in elementary, I was volunteering for something at least once a week. It was a great way to get to know the kids, other parents, teachers and administrators.

Definitely keep up your workout routine, whether it's in the morning before the kids get up or after they go to school. Do grocery shopping before lunch when it's less crowded. Get involved with your church or an outside bible study. Make a schedule that fills your days with these activities and you're less likely to have a lot of free time to go shopping & spend money out of boredom. If you're being productive, you won't feel like a leech : ) Good luck to you!

I'm actually a little surprised to hear you say that you've always wanted to be a sahm, because some of your descriptions indicate that you have a low opinion or perhaps a skewed view of what sahm moms do? A leach? Stay in bed all day? Many of the sahms I know are productive, intelligent women whose lives don't match that description at all. Just think of it this way: all those things that you used to "outsource" as a work outside the home mom, you will now have the opportunity to do yourself, learn more about, and change, if you didn't like how it was done before. Yes, exercise...you will need it because the physical demands of sahms can be great. Make a list of what you'd like to accomplish in terms of goals within your home--health, nutrition, budget, education. Reevaluate all the activities that you are engaged in as a family. Carry out your priorities in much the same fashion as you would carry out your to do list at work. In fact, maybe think of it as a career, a rather meaningful one, rather than a "vacation" and I think you'll do fine. The work of a sahm is unrelenting. You get few breaks. But I think you will learn deeply about your family's needs and your kids' development. And please, revise your view of what you are doing in a more positive light, because if you don't see your contributions to your family as valuable, certainly no one else will, either. Good luck to you.

Well, you do have a blessing in disguise by being able to stay at home with your kids now. At the same time, I can understand that it is a new situation for you, and a big adjustment to make. It sounds like you have a supportive husband and you will find your way in this new role. In terms of your questions, here are some things I learned from being an on-again, off-again sahm (I miss it now):

*Motivate yourself by making lists of things you need to do each day. Even if it's just simple things, like fixing something or a school event, make sure you keep on top of your calendar.

*I don't think you should need to explain all the money you spend to your husband, but think about what you might need in terms of groceries, kids' activities, gym time for you, etc.

*The motivation is hard, cuz I know I was motivated to watch tv and stay in bed a lot when I wasn't working. It's okay to do a little of that, but stay motivated by talking with other stay-at-home moms, have play dates, and talk about your long-term dreams and goals. I find that being around a group of similar women motivates me to achieve my dreams.

*Please know that being a sahm is not being a leech. You are a very important person in your family, and you need to look after yourself so you can be there for them. I see sahms as being privileged to be able to do this, and as being lucky to have the opportunity to really be there for their kids. I loved spending time at home with my son, and wish I could be there all the time. It's not easy at all to be at home all the time, but you are providing the rhythm and the heartbeat to your family. Enjoy!

If you like working out, you might consider getting certified as a personal trainer or group fitness instructor. The certifications are not crazy expensive (usually), and if you get a job at a gym teaching even one class a week you get a free membership and something to do with your time. I sah, and I teach 3 classes a week. It's only a hour each class, but it gives me something for myself and also something to organize our day around. My oldest goes to school at 7:45, then I get the two little ones going with breakfast, make up beds, pick up the house, play/read with them, etc. I get everyone dressed, and try to leave the house by 10 or 11, unless I have an earlier class to get to. They play in the nursery while I work out, then we come home, have lunch, naps, and then go get my daughter from school. Come home, do homework with her, and start dinner. Hubs gets home, plays with kids while I finish dinner, we eat, clean up, more play/reading time. Bed time routines, kids are down by 8ish, hubs and I have our 'alone' time. We go to bed around 11 and get up to do the whole darn thing again.

The little ones are also in a mother's day out on Tues/Thurs, so that helps me a ton. I actually can go get coffee or lunch with a friend and sometimes my husband. I also get errands done, or deep clean the house. YOU ARE NOT A LEECH! Unless you just lay around I guess, but I never even nap. There is always something to be done. I've heard it said that if the man makes the living, then the woman needs to make the life WORTH living. Just concentrate on being an awesome wife and mom, and still make absolutely sure to focus on yourself too. Join a book club or bible study. It will be great!

Hello T.,
I agree with the other ladies: set exercise as a priority. You will feel better and better tend to your children that way, I do believe. An hour a day will make a huge difference in your life, I believe. Looks like you already work out, so good for you! We who live here in Texas have the advantage of great weather....for walking or running or tennis or whatever your choice is!
In addition, I would get heavily involved in your children's school. Volunteer there. Schools always appreciate it and your children will LOVE to see you up at school helping in any way. I am a teacher and I see how children LOVE to see their parents at all school activities and events. They normally say, "THERE'S my MOM!" with so much excitement in their voices, etc. How lucky you are indeed!
You also might consider a home business...that way you are bringing in some income if that is important to you. Home businesses definitely work if you put the TIME into them. Find something that you have a passion for, and you will succeed! Best of luck to you!
M. in Wichita Falls

www.mycmsite.com/marycluley

Sorry for the job loss, but great opportunity to be able to stay at home. I can't imagine staying in bed with all there is to do: raising children, cleaning house, shopping for groceries and running errands, planning appointments and playdates, etc. Make a flexible schedule for the week of everything you need to get done and see how it works for you. It'll take a while to figure out how to allocate your time each day to get everything done and still have time to play with any kids you have at home. Make sure to include your gym time so you get exercise which, as you know, gives you even more energy to keep up with your kids! As far as money goes, I would hold off for a while about budgeting that into your finanaces because you have just started staying home. Give it a few weeks and see what you need each week and then go from there. Since staying at home, I went from sharing the financial responsibilities to taking them over completely. I'm the one spending the majority of the money-groceries, doctor visits, haircuts, entertainment for the kids, etc. so I know how to allocate the funds better than my husband right now. My husband does the finances for his work at home job and I do ours, except for big things, like retirement and mortgage and we do that together. Give yourself time to get over losing your job and settling in to being a sahm. It takes time to get into a routine and figure out what works for you. I was a teacher for years before I quit to stay home and I feel like my responsibilities now are so much more important than they were then. I am raising our children(during the daytime anyway), maintaining a home, keeping us financially healthy, and about a million other things I do on a daily basis. Your responsibilities are so important now, so feel good about what you do and do your best at it. Lastly, take time for yourself each week to do something just for you. You need it and deserve it!

Well, just to let you know how I do it- I just have a general idea of what I am doing that week with all appointments or school stuff written on the calendar. I have kids in school- so I have to be up to get them fed and off to school. Before I had any in school, I was lucky(?) enough to have early risers- my boys were always up with the sun! and if my husband worked in the mornings- I would get up with him to be with him as he got ready for work.
When you are at home all day with kids- you will find that your house gets messier- so you will have plenty to do! :) I try to take a walk with the littler ones after the older ones are off to school- this doesn't always happen. We do reading and drawing and practice with alphabet. We have the radio on and listen to kids music. I help my older kids with homework, we have chores that get done and meals to fix.
I try to take some time for me- I would suggest you keep up with your workout- it will help you a lot. I have a bible study that I go to once a week(it is so nice to talk to other grown-ups!) We go to the park or the zoo and I like to paint or sew. I haven't been able to do much of either lately- but it helps to give you more of a sense of accomplishment.
I would also suggest that you and your husband sit down and do the financial stuff together- not only will this help both of you in your marriage, but it is really important that both of you know what is going on with your money. If something were to happen to him, it would add to the stress if you didn't' know what bills to pay, which ones had already been paid and what to expect with your financial situation. This will also help you both feel like you are contributing- that way, not only are you accountable to him for what you spend, but he is accountable to you for what you spend and you won't feel like you are overspending if you have already both agreed to a certain amount.
Don't feel like you have to do everything in one day either. Go for a nature walk one day, the park another- stay at home and make play-dough the next.
For me, it is hard sometimes still not to feel like a leech- and I have been home with my kids for 10 years! I just need to remember that by being at home with my kids, I am teaching them the things I want them to know- how to be a responsible and honest adult among many other things. and if I went back to work- I would be PAYING someone else to do the job that I do with my kids! I may not be bringing money in- but I am saving a ton by not having to pay for child care, new work clothes, the extra ware and tear on my vehicle, any eating out I would have done while working etc.
Your job as a mother is super important- but switching from working mom to sahm- is a big change. Hang in there! you will love it!
~C. (sorry this is so long!)

You can work from home 10 to 15 hours a week and contribute to your family's income as well as make a diffrence for others. I left my professional job 9 years ago to be home with my daughter and have been working from home and earning a full time income. I love what I do and it gives me a purpose in life.

Let me know if you are interested and want more information.

There is more to life than work 8 to 5, it takes an adjustment and planing and you can do it.

A.