No!

You mean I get a say in what happens to me just by saying "no"? How empowering! I'm going to say it all the time now!

Give her choices - not what do you want to eat, but do you want ham or do you want chicken?

My daughter hits herself in the head when she's upset and I'm not giver her the attention she wants. She hasn't done it in a while, but she used to hit her head on the floor when she was mad - so I'd move her to a safe carpeted area and leave.

Good luck!

M.,

You are absolutely right, this a VERY annoying phase. One thing that worked for my son (now 4 1/2) was to let him start making choices. That is what this age is all about, to me. They are trying to assert their independence, they just don't quite know how.

When getting her dressed let her choose between two different pairs of pants. Instead of just saying it's time to get dressed and already have everything picked out, let her help you. So what if she goes out in plaid and polka-dots? Praise her for her good choices. This should really help the power struggle going on right now.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Well, you are in "terrible" 2's stage where everything is a "NO". There are quite few things you can do. First give her choices. Do you want the red dress or the blue dress? Do you want an apple or banana? Keep the choices simple, just two at the time and put the choice you want second. The second thing is start telling her what to do instead and acknowledge her feelings like: "I see that you are angry and that's why you are banging your head on the wall. When we are angry we stomp our feet." And don't forget to show her how to do it. When you get angry tell her: "Look, I'm angry, because..., that's why I will stomp my feet!". Give her simple words that she can use to describe her feelings like "I can see you are happy, that's why you are smiling", "I can see you are upset that's why you are throwing your book" and etc. Keep everything simple, avoid long explanations. Keep asking her how you can help her. "I can se you are angry, how can I help you to feel better?", "I can see you are sad, can I give you a hug to make you feel better?". Ask her for hugs too, when you are upset. Your little one just need tools to deal with the big world and with the different feelings. Be consistent and it will start working very soon. Good luck!

Hi M.,

What a good question! You sound like a very loving mommy. :)

This may sound funny, but in our case it was an attention thing. My daughter now 2 1/2 generally does the no,no, no thing only now at bedtime. It is usually how we know she is exhausted. She says no to every question.

We incorporated videos like potty power, which teach kids about choices, as well as Dora and Diego which both do the same. Great learning tools!

I agree, it is a stage and the more it bugs you, the longer it will stick around. LOL Trust me on that one... Just try to let her work it out on her own. That can be tough as a parent.

Blessings to you,

K.S.

Saying "no" is totally normal. She's learning about responses that she gets from it and how to use language...

Head banging is pretty common, too. In John Rosemond's book "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific" he talked about that, and said to make light of it. He suggested finding a place on the wall, and maybe making a circle with chalk or something, and getting down on all your fours and showing her that this is the spot for head banging, and do a demonstration for her... It looks totally ridiculous to her, and throws her off her guard. So every time she does it, lead her to the proper spot and have her do it there... Good luck!

My daughter was very similar around 1.5-2 years old. She said "no!" a lot but the thing that struck me in your note was the head banging. She used to get upset and instead of being rational, she would hit her head repeatedly on the floor or wall until she made herself cry. Sometimes she would do it so hard it would make me want to cry. I talked to her pediatrician about it and he said the best way to deal with it was completely ignore it. My husband wanted to get her a helmet! We started ignoring it. I mean really ignoring it! I would never say anything or put my hand in the way to interfere and she stopped doing it soon after. I don't think she was wanting to hurt herself. It was just her way of getting my attention. I know that things will get better for you. Some 2 year old girls (and boys I'm sure) can just be difficult! Good luck.

Yup - you've entered the twos. I don't want to make you frustrated but this "phase" can last well into age three. My daughter turns 4 next month and I think we're just coming out of the biligerant, willful, toddler years. (my daughter also wouldn't do anything we ask, wouldn't potty train, would tantrum daily, etc.) That said there are lots of tricks out there. Have you heard of the book Happiest Toddler on the Block? It is worth it's weight in GOLD. It has lots of ideas and explanation (author is a pediatrician) for helping a child get from age one to four. I won't begin to list them all...just get the book. But you can't "reason" your daughter out of this with logic. I bet she doesn't even understand why she's doing it. Hang in there (especially with two toddlers!) and get all the rest you can. Sleep = patience. You could put your daughter in situations with a different authority figure (Little Gym, Community Center or something with a teacher). My daughter was an angel with them but devil with me. You might also ask your doctor for a behavioral consult..many ped. offices have a psycologist on staff. Best of luck!

Hi M.,

I totally agree with Daniella and Melissa. Give her very limited choices, and soon the phase will pass.

My youngest got really carried away when she learned the power of "no," and although she tried my patience ALOT of times, she eventually realized that saying no got her nowhere, but helping herself by helping me to take care of her, was much more fun.

She wasn't fully potty trained until she was 3. She would number 1 on the potty, but not number 2. Finally, August 2002, we were playing in the pool and she said "Mama, I have to go poo-poo." She said it so quietly, that I almost missed it, but every single day before that, I offered her the option to go poo-poo on the potty and she adamantly refused! "NO!" was her favorite way.From that moment forward, she was totally potty-trained, and quit telling me no when I asked if she had to go poo-poo.

Just offer choices, if she has a tantrum, ignore her(it will be hard sometimes, but you can do it), and maybe put a bike helmet on her(I read this idea on another thread--great suggestion!) for those times she bangs her head or hits herself. She might stop if she hates wearing it or hurts her hand hitting the hard helmet.

Good luck! You both will get past this, and then it'll be something else lol. ;o)

K. W

My daughter had this violent behavior too. I seem to see more and more postings on mamasource.com about it. I think it is just a phase some of us have to weather with some of our kids. I feaked me out when it happened. I wanted to put her in a football helmit because they have snaps that the kids can't undo. In hind sight I should have, a bike helmit works too. I also wanted to pad my whole house from the waist down. This phase will feel like forever. Just keep doing what you are doing and tell her to use her words. She will learn to get what she wants she will have to comunicate it or she doesn't get what she wants. You might teach her sign language. My daughter prefered it before she could talk but, the minute she started talking well she dropped it. Ignore the tantrum leave the room if you can. My husband and I left the room and our daughter stopped her tantrum to come find us and throw herself on the floor where we were to throw it again and we left again. This went on for just a short while. To us it was comedy, my daughter learned mommy & daddy won't be near me or listen to me when I throw a trantrum so hurting myself only hurts me, it doesn't get any attention. Someone mentioned teething, this was also a factor at this age for my daughter. Her molars where very painful coming in, if I didn't give her motrin before her nap she would wake up in pain. My daughters favorite teething toy was a vibrating/ messaging star by first years. I would stick it in the freezer or fridge depending on the amount of time I had and give it to her she loved it. I agreee with Melissa, Daniella & Anglea.

There has been a change with the vacation. A week away somewhere and then coming back home is a HUGE change in her schedule even if it was a vacation. It will fade! Be consistent in your discipline and she'll catch on really quick. I have 4 girls and we travel to Idaho every 3 months and the change always affects everyone's mood and it takes a good week or 2 to sink back into the normal day to day. My kids are 9,8 6 and 7 months, so i can imagine how a vacation would affect a 2 year old..

Hi M.,

We really emphasize manners (so No becomes No Thank You), which is amazingly less annoying to hear! In contrast, it is yes please. She will need to hear you model this CONSTANTLY ("No thank you. We don't...hit" or whatever). Then you need to start coaching her how to respond. "Oh, you do want it, then you need to say yes please". Give them the words and eventually they will catch on. I have always avoided the word "NO" because I did not want it to be the word I heard back constantly. The less you use it, the less they will use it. "No hitting" can become "Gentle hands please". "No standing in your chair" becomes "sit down please". "No screaming" becomes "quiet or indoor voice please". It's hard to get out of the "No" habit, but it will become easier with time and will help your child with her vocabulary, too!

One of the first words most children hear is "NO!"- and for obvious reasons. However, if we can take that word out of our vocabulary for a while...When my children went for things I didn't want them to have or touch, I (we) always said "Hands off!" or "Don't touch!" You could even say "Don't touch the T.V." or "Hands off the vase!" or whatever the forbidden item is. I never wanted my children to have the would 'NO' in their vocabulary at a young age, because I knew it would come back to haunt me. And it works for any situation...OVEN-"Don't touch, the oven's hot" or just start with "Don't touch!" then "OOOOH, the oven's hot", etc.

Hay M.! My first was defiantely tantrum oriented! I have found out that the most effective thing for us is to grab her when she is in the throes of a tantrum and hug her and kiss her and soothe her and then she calms down, so much quicker, and we talk about why she can't behave that way. This method works great for me too, it helps calm me down, and I don't react so much out of anger. Although reasoning with a two-year old may be futile, you at least stop her tantrum. Once they calm down, they forget what was wrong in the first place! Good luck to you!

One suggestion my doctor had was "don't ask a question that you can't take no for an answer". That worked great, and giving a choice of two things works alot better. Also, the head banging could be molars coming in, as my kids both bang their heads to ease the pain of teething. That could be making her miserable all around. Good luck.

What cured our two year old of the contant "no" was taking her at her word... when we could, and taking her to task when we couldn't. If she said no, but she really meant yes then we stuck with her no answer. "Sorry, you said you didn't want any ice cream, so you don't get any. Maybe next time we ask, you think about it more." We also got wise to giving her choices when she really didn't have a choice. I quit asking her if she needed or wanted to go potty, and just took her potty. I also drew a hard line in the sand between rebellious, disprectful no's and opinionated no's. I want my daughter to feel free to express her opinions in respectful ways. However, If I tell her to do something, she cannot tell me no, because she isn't the boss. For the sake of her own safety and the well-being of others and herself, she needs to respect authority and follow simple commands without arguing or complaining. On the other hand, she is free to say no in response to questions or in conversations or when she needs to stop something that's uncomfortable to her. "No tickling!" Saying no out of disrepsect and rebellion earns her a flick on her lips, and she must say she's sorry.

Try using some basic sign language with your daughter. She can learn things like drink, toilet (for diaper), eat, sleep, coat and many other signs that will help her get her needs across to you. There are several good books for parents on teaching their infants and toddlers sign language. There is also a class in Seattle that will do the same thing.

You haven't mentioned if your daughter is speaking any other words or not, but one of the language milestones is 2 words at 2. Although some children are late language bloomers it is reccomended that parents check in with their doctors to double check.

Toddlers are exhausting but also fasinating. One fun thing y ou can do is take her on a toddler walk through a park. Go at her speed and just follow along behind without interacting unless she invites you. It is an amazing experience and you get the opportunity to see the world through your toddler's eyes.

take care

So I just have to say, that I am very thankful that you asked this question. My husband and I have been dealing with this issue with our (nearly) 20 month old. A very strong "NO" has become the favorite word of choice, and it is accompanied by wonderful tantrums! The advice that you've been given is very helpful for me as well! Just wanted you to know you are totally not alone!! Best of luck to you!

I think a 2 year old is to young to explain about hitting herself... so try this approach... Please don't hit yourself, I don't want anyone hurting my babygirl... or use some better words... I've done this where it is a request from me, not to hurt my baby and that has worked... have a good day