No One Wins

I'm so sorry you are in such a rough situation. I have no experience.,but I do know that marriage is hard. This tension will only get worse.

I think J.B. gave you some good advice.

Another vote for family counseling, with a counselor who is experienced working with stepfamilies. I've been a stepmom for almost 30 years, and now a stepgrandma. It was HARD in the beginning. AND I didn't have any of my own kids at the time (we waited until the first two were 17 & 20 before we had a child together). It would have been many times harder if I had had my own in the mix. But, many things are workable IF he is willing to work on them. The defensiveness will have to go, if you guys are going to make this work.

If he won't go to counseling, you go alone first. Then try again. If he refuses in the long run, then you will have a harder decision to make.

Anyone who thinks these "blended families" should just fall into place, that you should leave him (and any other man) immediately if it doesn't work perfectly, are being unrealistic. It takes work and commitment, but it has to come from both parents. Good luck!

Get some pre-marital counseling, someone who specializes in blended families. There are a multitude of problems here, but most of them are not uncommon when you are trying to put two families together who had differing parental styles.

If the fiance won't go, there may not be any hope for the relationship. You need someone who will work with you, not criticize everything.

Bottom line is that your son comes first. Period. Yes, that means delaying your own happiness, but these are important formative years for him. He cannot grow up in a home where the father figure hates him, yells at him, criticizes him, or maintains a miserable relationship with him. I can think of no crueler thing to do to a child. Do not marry this man.

ETA: your SWH is very immature. Of course no one here is in your shoes. You asked advice, you got it. If you only want to hear from someone in your shoes, well, sweetheart, you're the only one in your shoes, so go talk to yourself. If you actually do want advice, then swallow your immature bravado and listen to what people are actually saying. Let go of things that don't work for you, hold on to what makes sense, and thank everyone for wasting their time on your ungrateful self. I know you're stressed, but people are trying to help. 30 or not, you're writing in text talk and reacting immaturely to responses.

From where I am sitting, you have two choices....

1. Intense family counseling and couples counseling. Starting yesterday.

2. Split up.

Personally, if it were me, I'd call things off for a while, separate households, and put everything on 'just dating' mode. I feel like there is maybe more to this story here, but from what you are describing, your fiance may not be emotionally mature enough to be a step-parent to your son.

I speak from the experience of being the step-kid, quite a few times over. My mom's third husband came on the scene when I was around 8, and honestly, he was terrible. There was no feeling of love there, I was *constantly* in trouble, and frankly, I hated him. He was mean, just for the sake of being mean. Sorry, but NO KID should have to go through that for the sake of the parent. Not in their own household with their birth parents (and I did have a mean birth parent, so once again, I know from whence I speak) and surely, I certainly wish my mother had chosen our having a stable childhood over her own temporary happiness.

I'll be blunt: when you are a kid and your parent picks out a spouse who simply doesn't like you, you lose big time. You feel like you lost not just the stability of a home life where you remain unharassed about the little stuff, but you also feel that your parent loves that person who hates you more than they love you. And that hurts hard.

For what it's worth, I have also seen a couple of siblings who have chosen men over their kids well-being and it's horrible to watch. Our kids didn't ask to be brought into this world or into our affairs. They deserve to have parents who will accept nothing less than creating a loving, supportive family, be it with both birth parents or with a step-parent involved. That need for love and acceptance doesn't lessen because it is a stepparent. This is an adult authority figure the child sees every day and will begin to gauge their own self-worth somewhat based upon the actions and feedback of that adult. Is this a road you are willing to go down? Not sure I would, or could, do that. If something bad were to happen to take my husband from us, heaven forbid--- ONLY a very loving, caring, *mature* man would ever be allowed to parent my son. I couldn't continue to love a person who was hurting my child and who didn't love him as much as I did. Your child deserves to live in a home where he feels like the adults are on his side as much as possible, not riding his butt and constantly criticizing.

Honestly, your fiance sounds about as mature as my ex-stepdad was. And he's not going to change if and when you get married; likely, it will only worsen because you haven't made it IMPERATIVE that it change. This can be emotionally abusive, or worse, for your son. Lived it.

From your SWH: if your adult fiancee is jealous to the point of meanness because you and your son have a special bond? Get out now and don't look back.

When adults show you who they are, do yourself a favor and believe them.

Your fiance needs to grow up. He needs to realize and you do too that this is a huge adjustment for your son and that some compassion is in order. You said it yourself that your fiance just "shows up to discipline."

I would not put up with him yelling at my kid - at all. At the very least, I'd postpone the wedding indefinitely.

Taking down your question and your SWH is just a sign of why people on this sight have responding to feeling sorry for your son. If anyone should win it should be your son. If you can't figure out how to get your fiance to treat your son better why marry him? For many his yelling and arguing with an 8 year old would be a deal breaker.

You're only 30 and you will do what you think is best for yourself and based on your post you will do it with little regard for your son because clearly he seems to come last in your equation even though before fiance your son came first.

I have a husband, son and step and have raised neices and nephews which my husband has accepted as his own. No we don't always agree but he also never argues with the children and my kids were teens when he came on the scene.

Shame on you for not really being willing to hear some opinions that may differ from your own. YOUR SON WILL BE THE BIGGEST LOOSER if you don't make a change to benefit him. Break up or intense counseling required not optional.

Wow! You think this sucks for you, put yourself in your son's shoes. No child should have to live like this. What kind of grown man is jealous of a mother/son relationship anyway. Additionally, you admit to resenting your step kids. I feel sorry for them too. What a dysfunctional mess. Stop being a referee and break off the engagement. The family dynamic is just not working.

I'm sorry, but you have no business marrying this man. If you don't walk away from him, you will have a son who ends up scarred for life. WHY would you allow this stuff? Why are you engaged?

Stop being exhausted. Stop this madness. You have no business putting this man and his son OVER you and your son. That is EXACTLY what you are doing.

You should NEVER have let it go this far.

What kind of grown up, adult man fights with an 8 year old all day?
I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time taking this question seriously.
You're the mom here, you should be calling the shots, including what your son does or doesn't take to school.
And read the writing on the wall. If he spoils his own kids now and doesn't respect your son it's only going to get worse as your son gets older.
Why are you putting up with this, he's hot? rich? great sex? Really, why, if you are SO independent?
You say you don't NEED a man but I can't imagine putting up with this kind of drama unless I was truly desperate for something.

My job as a mother is to protect my children.
If my husband were to constantly be yelling at my children, belittling my kids, fighting with them, and being an all around jerk....I would leave him. And he is their biological dad!
There is no reason for a grown man to be acting like this.
If you can't see that then I can't say anything to make you change your mind.
You don't want to be in the middle of this and be a referree then you need to end your relationship with this man.
L.

Things aren't going to change. You all will continue this way (or get worse) and have a miserable life together. So, split with the fiancé. Don't draw this out. You could try counseling but I get the impression that your fiance won't be interested. You can't force him to be interested in your son. He's comparing your son to his and, let's face it, finding your son lacking (and always will unless your son becomes exactly like his son and even then he would find some reason to treat his kid better if only because of biology). Do what is best for your son and get rid of this hostile influence. It will be hard but it is what you need to do for your child.

Bye-Bye fiance.

I doubt this one is even fixable with counseling. I would pick my son over my fiance and get the hell out. If you continue to allow your son to live in this miserable atmosphere you will someday regret it for the rest of your life.

ETA: First you post a SWH which blames everyone for giving you sound advice although it was not what you wanted to hear.

Second, you delete your post and say "No One Wins". You are correct on that... NO ONE WINS in the situation you are talking about because you BF is not interested in your child and you are putting yourself before your child. Maybe (God I hope) you are taking some of the advice to heart and following your gut to make your son your priority. If you don't, then do not be surprised when he hates you when he is older.

*******************************************************************************
Why would you continue to live like that and put your son ( and yourself) through this.

Your son deserves your priority and a stable home. Neither of you have stability right now. If you are fighting with your fiancé now, if will only get worse if you marry. The sex can't be that good.

Raise your son, be a good role model for him. Your actions now are showing him that your relationship with your fiancé is your priority. That's sad.... Think about your son before your you take care of your " needs"

Of course single moms need a break to have friends but get your priorities straight!

Best wishes to you.

***I just read J.B's response...please take her words of wisdom to heart. She is YOU..ten years later. Listen to her....avoid the pain...avoid putting your son through the pain.*****

This sounds miserable...I am so sorry this is your home life day in and day out. It is exhausting for me just reading what you are going through. This is not how a family should function.

Please get out of this mess and live with ONLY your son. I am sure the fighting will decrease and your son will show more respect. Your fiance is acting/parenting like a child so your son is modeling what he is seeing.

Please...pull out of this relationship ASAP. Focus on building a life with just your son. Pour your time into being the mom he needs...not a constant referee. Your son needs good male role models...and this fiance is not modeling one. Your son will continue the cycle in his future relationships.

Your boy is sad and hurting..his life has been turned upside down. You cannot create a bond between your son and your fiancé. Your fiance is not going to change. The life you are living now is what you will get if you marry this man...and it will get worse. Your son will amp up the antics because he is going to feel permanently threatened and his mom didn't rescue him but instead stayed with the man.

Please...get this man out out of YOUR house. Get family counseling and then see where the relationship leads. But get this man out of your home.

This should be the time where your fiance is showing you his best efforts to gain your trust and love of your son so you will WANT to marry him. Your fiance's best is not looking good...

Your son comes first. That fact that a grown man is arguing with an 8 year old shows the complete lack of maturity on your fiancé's part. You know what you need to do and you were hoping we would let you off the hook and say everything is going to be okay. If you put this man before your son you will regret it. He is eight. If you have all you say you have - home, job etc. then you need to leave your fiancé and find someone that can treat an 8 year old properly.

The reason you're being called immature is b/c your fiance is immature and you don't see that and you don't have the common sense to know to put your son first and move on...

I can only give you my experiences as a the stepchild of a jealous step-parent. It was horrible, and I didn't even have to live with my jealous stepmother all the time. They got married when I was 6 and I always felt like a target to her resentment and jealousy. I'm sure I was no walk in the park, but I was a child and she the adult. She should have known better.
This situation can spiral out of control quickly and end up affecting your relationship with your son dramatically in the long run. The relationship between my father and I over his wife has left us estranged for the last 13 years. I finally realized as an adult that I don't have to put up with this anymore and I refuse to be a target.
Maybe you can seek counseling for them to learn how to build a loving, respectful relationship. Otherwise, I would put off any marriage plans until this situation improves and a mutual understanding comes about. I have to say I have a huge amount of empathy for your son, and zero for your fiance. To me, this would be a deal-breaker. It's a miserable way for your son to live.

I don't think you should marry him.

I DO have experience in this area. If your husband cannot learn, really soon, how to be a loving, caring ADULT toward your son, then I don't think you should marry him.

ETA:
My parents were divorced. I was lucky enough to have a mom that married a wonderful, supportive man who loved me like inward truly his own. Never a cross word. Steady, unfailing stability and guidance. All kids should be so lucky. My mom picked a GREAT man of STELLAR character. NEVER was he jealous of the close relationship my mom & I had. Even if he was, he had the maturity and class not to show it. His ex? Horrible mother who abandoned him and his daughter. Similar, huh?

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Ugh.
Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
I would not tolerate a man treating my son like that & I certainly wouldn't want to do it a day longer than I had to.
Do you have to?
Good luck.

Sounds like he needs to become an ex-fiance.
Your son comes first - it's not like he can pick another Mom.
But you can pick another boyfriend/husband/step father for him.

You've got at least 10 more years of raising your son.
Do you want to spend that 10 years in a battle zone?
Your son and boyfriend might both be great people - that just bring out the worst in each other and don't get along together.
Finish raising your child, then see if this boyfriend is still available (or find someone else).

Be a grown up and go to premarital and family counseling. I haven't been the woman in this situation but I have been the child dragged into it and that's what I wish my mom had done.
First marriage (mistake) okay.
Second time around? Learn something and don't repeat it.
If your fiancé refuses counseling that's a clear sign he's not mature/committed/ready and you need to READ THE SIGNS.

i sure don't, cuz i don't know what anyone's talking about!
:P
khairete
S.

Your man wants you.

He does not want your son.

You and your son are a package deal -- aren't you?

Clearly your son isn't feeling like part of a package deal with you right now.

You DO get all this already because you say a very smart and perceptive thing to your fiancé when you say, as you wrote here: "You fight with him like a kid, so he doesn't respect you as an adult." That's absolutely right. You see the issue. But if you can see that fact, it's puzzling that you can't also see that your fiancé is not going to change after marriage. Your son will always be the outsider in the household because he represents the life you had before your fiancé came along, and your son wants your attention and so does your fiancé. That won't change. Can you live with the fights forever?

Things will not change after marriage unless there were massive amounts of counseling and therapy not just for you but for your son and your fiancé and possibly the other kids as well. Can you see that happening, long-term and committed counseling for everyone? Can you see your fiancé and his kids working on all these relationships for the rest of all your lives? I can't, based on the post and on your fiancé's inability to be the adult around your son. It takes a lot of maturity to be a step-parent and not to rise to a child's anger with anger. Your fiancé lacks it.

You love him, sure. Love is not enough. Love is not enough. Say it over and over. Love for your fiancé does not trump love --and lifelong responsibility -- to your son. You need to move on rather than letting this go on and on.

You say you don't want to be a referee. So stop. Your son will grow up in a toxically angry environment with a stepdad who acts like a child who must fight with him for your attention.

Love is not enough.

This situation isn't fair to your son. You need to have a very serious conversation with your fiance to see if he can change his attitude and make this work. He is the adult in the situation and if he can not handle treating your son well, you can't be with him. If you choose this fiance over the well being of your son, he will be forever hurt.
You seem to be putting this on the children when it is your fiance's behavior that the problem. If he really wants to make it work, have him not be responsible for any discipline whatsoever with your son until their relationship is stronger. If he can't do this, you need to think long and hard about your priorities.

Your son needs you on his side right now. If need be you may need to either make it to where your BF goes to you before any discipline of your son, or you may need to postpone your plans to marry until your BF can learn to act like a man around your son rather then a little boy. You son must come first. But, he does need to learn to respect his step father, and at the same time he can not learn that respect if he gets none in return. I would suggest family therapy for all of you before you make that final commitment.

This all sounds like a big ole mess.

Please, please, get couples counseling for you and your fiance.

The two of you need to learn to communicate. You need to learn how to listen to each other and how to speak to each other so that you each do not behave so defensive with each other. If you go to this counseling and do the work, you really can find a way for this to work.

If the two of you are speaking to each other the way you have described and the children are witnessing this, the kids are not feeling secure. They are feeling the uneasiness in their home. This is just not healthy for the children. Your sons behavior is a result of all of this conflict. He is stressed emotionally. He is not mature enough to explain it so this is how it is manifesting itself.

It is always difficult to blend 2 families, but this seems to not be getting better.

Children need structure, clear rules and expectations and fairness,

If your fiance is not willing to go to counseling, he is not willing to learn best practices, you will need to consider, he is just not the type of person that can do the hard work, it will take to blend your families and make it a true priority.

Mom, listen to your brain and your heart. It is sending you messages and you need to always follow your instincts.

Why are you with this man???????

I would never be with someone who disrespected my children.

Lose the guy. He's not good for your kid.

I echo J.B.
I am not divorced/remarried, and my parents are still married (celebrated 51 years last month)... so what I have to say is from a slightly different angle...

My husband is a wonderful man, everything I could ask for in a husband and a wise and loving father. My son (15) is a great kid, sweet boy, sensitive, funny, all the good attributes of the heart, and also has that "typical" teen attitude from time to time. When he was 8 years old, he hadn't yet really begun to test things. I said, "take out the trash" and he got up and did it, pretty much. As he moved on into the tween years and teen years, things get more complicated with a mom and her son. He is not a "Mama's boy"... but I get very defensive on his behalf when my husband (good man and father.. HIS father) comes down on him--for legitimate discipline concerns. We've argued over the best way to handle things on occasion. It's hard.

And we are both my son's parents from conception. You need to listen to what JB had to say about always taking your son's side over your fiance. That is only going to get exponentially worse. And it will be a horrible situation to live in for all of you. You will be at constant odds with your fiance (husband by then?) AND you WILL be angry with your son as well, for being partly responsible for the stress he brings into it as well.
My son stresses my husband and me out over school issues (grades, mostly)... and JUST THAT is exhausting. If I were defending my son to my spouse, who I questioned how he felt about my son?? Hell. That's what that would be.

Counseling. Pronto. Or move on. You and your son both deserve to live in a household of peace, not constant bickering/fighting and stress.

Blending families is hard. Please seek premarital counseling.

this has family counseling written all over it. go. if you want him to be your husband...this isn't a question. go.

updated:

based on your so what happened...its clear you are the type of person who will ask for advice but not actually take it.

We've all told you to go to counseling and yet you still defend your fiance and think everything will be fine since they have good days.

i feel sorry for your son.

Lots of problems here....

Your fiance' corrects YOUR son, yet gets defensive when you call his kids out on problems?

You really need to get on the same page as far as discipline of ALL kids before you go much farther......

Lots of family counseling BEFORE the marriage and if that doesn't help, don't marry him.

Your current situation is not working for anyone. If you have hopes to stay in this relationship and get married, you need to go to couples counseling and family counseling. If counseling does not put your family on the same page, then I think you need to go back to being a single mom. Counseling can help each family member learn appropriate roles and communication techniques. Your son is totally dependent on you and he is 8 years old. If you stay in this relationship without major changes, you will have much greater problems in the future and probably end up estranged from everyone with a very messed up kid. Please get counseling NOW! If you fiancé won't go, that tells you he is not committed to making this work.

You have to stop playing ref. He has to learn to shut up. Your son has to learn respect. And everyone needs to grow up.

Hope it all works out.

Ma'am,

Blended families are a challenge but not a challenge that the two of you cannot overcome. Your love for each other is what will speak volumes to each of your commitment towards one another and one another's families. This is a two way street. You have to look at your family entirely as a whole, as in your step kids are your children too. Same for him, he has to take your children as his own, both step parents understanding their roles to grow and mature children that are productive to our society. My more personal opinions is that the two of you aren't ready for marriage because you haven't sorted out one another's roles in this. OR it's just a really tough transition for everyone. All I absolutely know is that if he doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, you can't be an extension of him to his children, same goes for him. If he can't love you the way you need to be loved then he can't be an extension of you to your children. No parent will be committed if they are first committed to you. The Bible tells us to hold our spouses above our children. It seems it may be that each of you are holding your child above your significant other. Best wishes, I hope things get better!!!

My son and his step dad were closer than I was to my son.

Give it time. Don't take sides in an argument. Pray.

Blessings.

I have not been in your shoes so cannot offer anything constructive. Only a reality check. Divorce and remarriage is messy. I suggest you get some family counseling.

And you're still allowing your fiancee to go through this? Kids should mind adults. Period. Kids have way too much freedom nowadays. They shouldn't be doormats of course but minding and doing what they're told is the rule in most homes.

If I were your fiancee I'd be long gone. This is just as h*** o* him as it is on your son.

I think you need to decide. Does son go live with dad so you can be with fiancee or does fiancee go away so your son can make your choices for you.

What you said is it's a constant battle in your home. It's from sun up to sun down.

Your son should mind. If you are truly going to marry this man you should be showing son a united front. Then he'll start showing future hubby respect.