Not Attracted to husband...at All ..what Do You Do?

Spending time together, reconnecting, dating, romance... all of those things take a lot of work in even the best of marraiges and are attainable if you want to work together for it to be.

If you have a good man that does everything right except turn you on, you have a lot to lose if you split up. Being intimate is something that goes away when you get older, having a good provider and someone that cherishes you for you is something that will stay and grow stronger in the golden years. Trading a man out because you want some lust will most likely backfire on you later and you will be very sorry.
Drum up some good fantasies for making love, pretend he's your favorite male actor... you never tell him this, but if you can control your mind to do it you will find it works quite well in a pinch.

I will admit, I have struggled very much with this. I was never all that physically attracted to my husband, from the very beginning, I loved his personality, morals, beliefs, talents, and ability to be a great father and husband. At that point in my life, I watched friends and family getting into relationships based only on physical attraction, that ended up imploding. I figured I found this awesome guy and even though I don't desire him as much, it was worth a shot. We dated and got married. Unfortunately, my attraction level didn't change. (Sure, I was probably naive to think it would.) This is what I do. I focus on the things I am attracted to about him. He is a great provider, he works hard so I can stay home with my son. He is smart, artistic, witty, and very very kind. Most importantly, he adores my son and I. He is an incredible father and I literally have never had to ask, for his help. Not once. He happily helps with my son, around the house, and gives me some breaks. He never complains. When something is bothering him, he comes directly to me. He doesn't hide things from me, he's honest. The accumulation of those things and more, make me realize how unbelievably blessed I am, to have him. This builds my attraction to him and instills a more loving feeling inside me. We have a healthy sex life and a strong marriage.

What I'm saying, is maybe your focus is off? There might be a man out there, that I could be physically more attracted to. In fact, I'm sure there is...I just don't pay attention to them. He is out there somewhere, but I would never in a million years, for any amount of persuasion, or money...want to be married to anyone else. There is simply not a man on earth, that is a better one then my husband. I am attracted to THAT. Change your focus and your thoughts on him. There ARE more important things then sex. I have known people who had the best sex and the worst relationship. I would rather have to put a little more work into our sex life, and have a best friend and one heck of an amazing husband. You have to choose what means most to you. I'm not suggesting, you should go unsatisfied, but there are things that mean more, that fulfill you more. Sex, oftentimes, gets TOO much focus. We think, if things aren't perfect,or if our husbands aren't the best looking man ever, then there is no hope. Sex, is very important. But, it's not the most important thing. It is one of the many parts, of a good marriage. . Sex, as well as life, is what you make it. If you don't like how it is, make it something different. Work harder, try a different point of view. Make your inner voice say something else. Don't be so defeated, you sound ready to give up. I don't know the state of your marriage, but anything good is worth fighting very hard for.

When my DH and I got married I was incredibly attracted to him. To me he was the sexiest man and I had mistaken the passion for love. Fast forward a couple years into our marriage and I started to feel less and less attracted to him because now I’ve gotten to know his personality and it wasn’t overshadowed by my lust anymore. Before I met my DH I had been in a relationship with a man who I wasn’t attracted to BUT he was a good man, responsible, reliable, trustworthy and I knew would make a great father. However, we broke and a year later met my now DH. Well, for awhile I started to think that I had made a mistake breaking up with my ex boyfriend. Then I thought why the heck couldn’t I have the best of both worlds??

Instead of having regrets I decided to just be honest with my DH and communicate the things that I wanted to see change and let him give me a list as well.

The honesty, communication and opening of our hearts made us both feel so much better. That and a couple glasses of wine! LOL! No seriously, for the sake of my kids, I felt that working on our marriage would make ME feel better. I never wanted to see myself as someone that just “gave up” on my children’s father.

Your situation may be different but it is similar. You may not think this is a good idea because you are NOT attracted to your husband, but for yourself, you should dig deep and think of what HE can do to help you feel attracted to him again. Make a plan and have an honest talk with him. You owe it to him to give him a chance to light your fire again =-)

First, Dr. Laura makes me crazy and I am really glad she's not "on air" anymore. I'm a psychologist (real one) and it would put me through the roof when my husband would come home and quote her as though she had some major revelations... meanwhile I said the same thing a week earlier and got nothing more than a "nod".

Okay.... she's kind of right here except that I would say that it's about "the family", not "the kids". It started with the two of you and you built this family together- you are the foundation. If the foundation is cracking, the rest will come tumbling down (whether you live in the same house or not).

"Love" b/w a husband and a wife isn't always "pitter-patter" b/c that simply isn't sustainable. Many couples go back-and-forth depending on the stage of life they are in and the stresses on their plates.

I can tell you that I adore my husband most of the time. He makes me laugh and keeps my neurosis within a normal parameter, but I'm not always attracted to him. When I'm stressed... tired... feeling unappreciated (or overly appreciated by someone else)... not heard.... invisible and withering... I dread being intimate with him. Sometimes this goes on for weeks depending on "life".

However, I will tell you this... changing your behavior will change your thoughts if you want to make your marriage a relationship again. DO something proactive (including counseling) and see what happens. If you love your family life, then work on it. If you don't love your family life, then leave. Your kids will know if you're unhappy and they will be insecure about their relationships (including their relationship with you) and that isn't good for anyone.

Find a good therapist and get to work!

You know I once heard an elderly couple who had been married for 60+ years say that the reason they stayed married so long was because they never fell out of love at the same time. I'm by no means an expert but look to my parents and grandparents who have been married 40 and 65 years. Both have said they contiplated divorce at one time or another but then started thinking about the reasons why they married and sometimes even wrote down the reasons why they married and why they should stay married. Think of things that he's done for you and your family. It may even be good to counsel with a church leader and see if they have any good suggestions. You could also get the Fireproof book. If I remember right it has a 40 day plan for your to follow. My husband and I purchased when movie came out but luckily haven't had to use it although we are only going on 3 years. There are many cultures that marry someone they've never met or hardly know and find a way to grow to love each other. Try doing something nice for him. Even though you don't feel love right now it doesn't mean it will last very much longer especially if you work at it. Everyone has always told me that you have to work at a marriage for it to be good. I'll pray for your clarity and that you'll see your husband through new eyes. Remember when you put God in your marriage it creates a triangle which if I remember right is the strongest structure shape.

Try the movie Fireproof and also do the Love Dare Journal

A couple of questions:
Do you love your husband?
Do you like your husband?
Did you marry him for love or for security?
Does he love you?
Does he know you are not attracted to him?
How long have you felt this way about him? And when did it start?

If you love him, then you stay with him. Attraction comes and goes. A marriage should not be ended over the loss of attraction. And you don't always have to like your husband, I don't always like mine, but I do always love him. I ask if you like him because it certainly helps the relationship if you like the person as well as love them. And it helps to like the person even when you don't feel very much love for them.

If your husband knows you are not attracted to him, maybe you can talk about it. I know it would be a difficult conversation, but I think he deserves the truth. Just don't be cruel; I'd not mention the dreading to be intimate part.

Lastly, I know it is possible that depression or a hormone imbalance can result in the loss of attraction. Maybe you should talk to a doctor.

Personally, I'd talk to my husband and tell him I want to go to the doctor to make sure that everything is okay. It would be horrible to end a good marriage because of a hormone imbalance that resulted in the loss of attraction and sex-drive.

I think at one point in any marriage we all go through these feelings. But the best advise I can give you is "fake it" sounds horrible right? but you need to realize that the more you show love, the more you'll start to feel it. Wake up each morning and think about something sweet you can do to him. Like, every time he walks into the room you're in give him a kiss. Some times we have to exercise our emotions just the way we do our physical. Trust me, if you do this for a month, you'll start to see the reasons why you married him and the reasons why you had 3 beautiful children with him. And like Lucky said, as long as there are no bad habits keeping you from loving him, it will grow back.

You two also need to keep the love momentum going. Plan date nights. If you can find someone to watch the kids do something special together at home when they kids are sleeping. Something as little as playing board games to laying together reminiscing about when you first met. Don't give up just yet. There's still hope. Goodluck.

First of all let me say that I feel for you. I almost married someone I had no passion for. He was/is a good man, I knew he would be faithful, he was not bad looking etc etc...but there was just nothing there, we weren't the right personality mix, we weren't best friends. We were two good people thinking we could make a life together, that's all. I thought about life with him and the idea of sleeping with him and I just couldn't go through with it...but I almost did. So I probably would have been in your shoes and here is how I think I would have handled it. I personally think the most important thing in the mix is being really good friends with your mate. Like the best of friends. I once read a quote that said "Love is Friendship Set on Fire". I think you could ask yourself, if we weren't married would I pick him as a friend. If yes, well, that is great. If no, then maybe it is time to think of ways to be a friend to him. Like what would you do for a great friend who had had a hard day? How would you speak to friend who called you up and wanted to go out on the spur of the moment? What ways do you try to make the lives of your friends better and more full? Maybe by trying to be a true friend to your husband, the door for a love that can grow with time can be opened. You are married and he sounds like a decent fellow and I think ripping the children from their father is a very bad idea. There are plenty of women holding onto a scrap of a man who doesn't pay bills, is a bum and live love starved existences. He sounds like a good one, maybe he wasn't your perfect fit, so now you have some adjusting to do for better or worse. I also agree with all the ladies here who talked about marriage having it's seasons and that attraction will have it's peaks and valleys. In some cultures they still do arranged marriages and I am certain they aren't all bad. I actually knew a couple like that and you know they were happy! I also agree that getting the old hormones checked isn't a bad idea either, it can't hurt. I personally always vote for staying together, and I don't think doing it for the kids is a bad place to start. You and your husband are their first line of defense in this world, they need you both, and together is better for them, hands down. I have heard of this thing called Marriage Encounter, some people swear by it. Maybe look into that. Marriage is a covenant and you both promised to stay in it for life, hang on because I truly believe there is a blessing for you by staying. Also, you didn't say what the attraction thing is, like did he gain weight?, is not satisfying you intimately and you have just never said so?. Those really are things that can be dealt with and counseling can do wonders. I wish you the best and I think you guys can get through this!!

I like BugB's answer. I am going to get my thyroid and hormones checked. I have ZERO drive. It would not matter WHO I was in a relationship with. Is that you?

Is there someone else? Even just an online buddy? If so, it will be impossible for you to heal your marriage if your heart is elsewhere.

Personally, I thought about divorce to see if that is a life I would want to live. I don't want to work outside the home due to ongoing medical issues which leave me having some bad days, I need my insurance now more than ever, and I don't want to not see my child even one day. Plus, my child needs us both and would be devastated.

For me, being best friends+security and being drama free inside my own home is why I agreed to marry my husband. I know that is not romantic, but I am a realist.

My college boyfriend was a sexpert. I finally understood why people had sex. Out of the seven?? men I have been with, he is the one who KNOWS how to get the big O every time. I sometimes wish I had never had sex with him because I would not know what I am missing. That would be icing on the cake, but that alone does not make a marriage. He is on his second marriage so sex was not enough for his wife to overcome the travel due to his work.

Your marraige vow was to God. It includes your husband. You've made your choice, now it's time to live with the consequenses of that choice. I made a bad one too, but I'm learning and growing in ways I never would have if I hadn't. I read the other posts first (or at least in scrolling down the first 5 or 6). Changing YOUR attitude is the key. That's what helped me. I chunked all the negative thinking (I call it stinkin' thinkin') and focus on his good points. My "feelings" do change from day to day, but I really try and focus on what's right, not what's wrong. It takes some time, but it will make a difference. Sister Hazel sings a song, "If you want to be somebody else, change your mind" and I truly believe you can.

Grandma T is very smart!

I noticed you didn't use the work "love" O. time in your post.

Do you love him?

Our inner voices are deceptive and they change from day to day. You cannot rely on your emotions. Love isn't about the pitter patter of the heart-- that goes away with anyone in about two years. Love is day to day action and sacrifice.

Try to work it out-- your family is worth it. I recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and a good counselor.

ouch!! While I've had mild feelings like that I look at what is the deeper issue? You were obviously attracted at some point to have three children with him!!!! Are there some issues that subconsciously keeping you from relating to him? How are your hormones and thyroid? That could be throwing off your libido. I've had marriage counseling and when the two of us relate to eachother and make time for date nights/quality time I feel so much better about our relationship and that warm feeling of wanting to be intimate.

Also, not to be personal but did he gain weight? Is he a couch potato? Does he lack proper hygene? Losing his hair? Did you gain excessive weight from childbirth? How do you feel about your physical self?
does he have a bad habit that once could have been cute/tolerable but now turns you off? Let's face it for example..if DH passes gas...that is not exactly a turn on LOL!

If you pay attention to your inner voice and go and find someone you lust for, it will also be temporary. That feeling doesn't last, and that's natural. Probably not worth losing your family over. My guess is that you will find yourself in the same boat in a few years. As long as your husband is a person that you LIKE (and is good to you), then work on your friendship. If you become best friends with him, you'll want him to be with you no matter how attracted you are to each other. And follow Grandma T's advice below for being intimate. ;) I'm sure all of us do that to some degree.

I've found that in all relationships, not just with my husband, that if I have bad feelings for them, then I do something nice for them and it helps me feel better about them. Service is a great way to show love and gain love for people. Try doing nice things for your husband. Notice the nice things he does for you and acknowledge them. Love is not something you just fall into. It's something you work toward.

I'm sorry, but I am no fan of "Dr." Laura. Who says it's not about you when you have kids? So you have to put yourself on hold and in the back seat in every aspect of life just because you procreate? Like being a happy and fulfilled mom is somehow BAD for your kids? She really has no clue what she is talking about. She is no doctor, because any one in that position would give you constructive and realistic advice like the ladies in this forum have. Do what you have to do in order to feel good about YOU and I guarantee you'll feel better about being with your husband. Go to the gym (if you don't already), get some cute outfits, get your hair done, go out with friends... be someone other than just a wife and Mom.

I agree totally with what others have said about marriage being more than just lust and "pitter patter" type feelings. Those wear off quickly. We all feel annoyed and sometimes not attracted to our spouses sometimes in the daily life of work, kids, cleaning up, chores, bills, I could go on and on. But if you have a decent self image and you believe that your sex life can be more than just wanting to rip someone's clothes off, it can and will work.

I once felt that way about my husband so I had an affaire but the entire time I was with the other person my heart was with my husband. As crazy as this may seem I started crying when I was with the other man because I felt why I cant have these feelings for my husband. I felt so horrible like the scum of the earth. After being with someone else I would never do that again becasue I was determine to fell this about my husband. I prayed, asked God for forgiveness to help me overcome what I was feeling for my husband. I wanted my husband in everyway possible. I am not saying it's easy but it is acheivable you just have to want in your heart. If you are argueing alot now that's not healthy for the kids an sometime you have to compromise but it has to be on both ends. Kids that see mom and dad argueing will grow to think thats normal an they tend to be in relationships like their parents. I know you wouldnt want that. So take it one day at a time maybe try counseling it might help.

Love Bug B and Grandma T. Would like to add something practical to their line of thought. I've been working for a few years on believing there is a reason we are together and even thought I sometimes (OK, I mean usually) don't understand it, it doesn't mean I can't keep trying to understand. He is teaching me and giving me something my spirit needs and I need to find ways to be open to him. Recently, I learned I need to be grateful and boy oh boy was that ever a sour note in my mouth!

OK clearly, from your post, you've *thought* of leaving him.
And unlike everyone else, I'll say that you should, if it's impacting your day to day like this.

You aren't happy like this, otherwise, you wouldn't be posting out here.

Your kids can tell. And the only thing you're teaching them by staying in the marriage, is that it's OK to settle and not be happy. I don't know if you have a daughter, but would you want that for her?

Sorry, but I'm not of the camp of "staying in it for the kids". Kids are smarter than we ever give them credit for. And while they may not know exactly what the problem is, they know something is wrong.
You have to set an example. And if you don't think this is something that you can come back from, then you need get out. Right now you just have a roommate who happens to be the father of your kids.

Sounds like it is time to set up some counseling, first just for you, and than as a couple. It is normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse, but you have to work on it for the sake of your family.

Did you ever... feel attracted to him?
Why did you get married?

Did you tell him that????

I am in the same situation as you. I try imagening someone else during the "have to intimate times". I know that might sound bad to some people, but they dont understand the cringing feeling associated with intimate moments with the hubby. Another thing I try to do is ask him to first stimulate me by touching my body with his hands and no kissing or him putting anything else near my face. (If he can manage to get you even a little turned on this way it makes the rest of sex a little better. ) I understand that this will not always work and he will not always want to approach sex this way, but you can use it sometimes. Another thing you can do is tell him you like him to get you from behind (this way you dont have to kiss him, and he is forced to kiss the back of your neck or back or whatever). Try flavored condoms if he wants oral sex - just act like you think it would be fun to try. Close your eyes a lot - it helps to imagen someone else. I think you are wise to stay with your husband for the kids sake.
Just so you know - I totally understand & if you find other things that work alos please let me know.

OMG. is this my post? I feel the exact same way.
I talked about it with my doctor and am going through some counseling which is working. My doc put me on a very low dose anti-depressant.

SO, I am still not very attracted to him, but I know I don't want a divorce and I know he provides well and is a great father and husband. There are many more positives then negatives. So now I am just trying to feel attracted to him again.

I am doing this by telling myself how great he is in every other area. By reminding my self that the grass is much greener on the other side, and by telling my self it is ok. It is hard, but the constant reminders to myself seem to help.

You might also see if something changed. I know my husband is not happy at work. His job sucks and it really takes away some of what I was attracted to. Like his motivation is gone, his love for work and his energy and the list goes on. I know if he were more happy at work it would make me more attracted to him because he would have more positives to talk about and more happiness in him.

So, it might be that he needs a change for you to come around. (if that is what you want....) I think Blessing O. and Lucky explained it pretty good to. The faking it really does work. Sounds bad, but if you have all good except for the sex.....this does make it become more natural and better with the person you were once in love with. It is hard but helps bring back some attraction. Slowly but surely.

Hope this helps....

I feel for you. Is he still all of those good things? ..."good provider, faithful,." Has he earned your respect? Are you just longing to have someone that you're hot for? I'm sure its more complicated than what information you've provided for us. But if I'm reading this right, you are contemplating ending your marriage when your kids are older so you can experience a more passionate relationship. I say this tongue in cheek, but, just have an affair. Divorcing so you can be with another person is not different than having an affair. You may fool those around you, but not the man upstairs. There is one word for divorcing so you can be with someone else and its "adultery". Are you really willing to bring that kind of pain and suffering so you can get hot in the cot with someone?

My belief is if your truly unhappy then your kids will suffer more if you stay together. Try and talk with your husband and see if maybe it is something that can be worked through if not then at least you gave it a try. And a real hard try. Please do whats best for you and your family Good Luck and I hope your holidays are brighter.

If you want it to work, then I would suggest being honest with your husband. As the other moms have suggested, it could be a hormone thing & a trip to the doctor will do wonders! If it's not that, people change every day. You and him are no exception. Sometimes we grow closer together and sometimes we grow farter apart. The trick is to know how to bring yourselves back together (assuming you're wanting to make it work). So maybe, if it's just a bedroom issue, you could change it up a bit to make things interesting. Try role play. Each of you live out a fantacy with the other. Maybe try mutually agreeable toys. Books with new positions. Games.... It could be that you've been in the same routine for how long now and you're just bored.

Good luck sweetie! I hope this helps. In the end, either thing you do is not the end of the world. Be happy.