Not Exactly Sure Im the Right One for This.

You can visit here, it has several perspectives of women in similar circumstances and how they came about their choice. I hope you can get some guidance and counseling from a group who will listen to you and not try and push you to make a decision. Its About Love is an lds adoption service and they are wonderful. My mother in law helps women navigate throguh this all the time through them.

https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/pregnant/

several of the women's stories are here:
https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/pregnant/what-ar...

My sister-in-law put her baby up for adoption when she was 19. For her, it was absolutely the correct choice. She later married and had 2 more children. She will be meeting the daughter she put up for adoption later this week and they all couldn't be happier. The little girl was adopted by wonderful people who were ready for a child but couldn't have one of their own.

I completely agree with the other posters about getting counseling to come to the best decision for you and your son. An honest, open discussion with your boyfriend as to whether or not he'll be on board with an adoption is also extremely important and may impact your decision as well.

You said that you love your son more than anything and I believe that you do. The first step to motherhood is doing whatever is best for him. Sometimes, that does mean admitting that you may not be ready to parent.

I get the feeling that a lot of the other posters believe you should keep your son. And maybe you should. Only you can determine if your situation is the best for your baby.

A family member of mine got pregnant under less than ideal circumstances and chose to keep her child. Then, after the child was two, realized she wasn't going to be a good mother (and didn't want all the responsibilities that come along with being a parent). And then that little innocent girl was handed off to whatever family member or friend would keep her for any amount of time. By age six, she had seen things some adults would never want to see and been exposed to people she should never have been around. She had been shuffled around from place to place and didn't know who was good or bad. She's still in counseling and has very deep emotional wounds.

Will something like this happen to your son? I hope not. But, had my family member heeded the gut feeling she says she had while she was pregnant that she wasn't ready to be a mother, her child could have been adopted to people who were ready and willing to parent. Her daughter most likely would have avoided such a difficult and rocky start in life.

If you do decide to adopt, there are so many programs out there that let you choose the terms. If you want an open adoption, there are people willing to do that. The truth is that there are thousands and thousands of childless couples just waiting for a baby to call their own. If you do decide that now's not the time for you to be a mother, you will most likely get to choose the parents (with the help of a counselor, of course). Your child will be loved and cherished, not only by you, but also by two other people who know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they want to parent your child.

I guess the short answer to that long-winded response is that it's okay, very mature, very brave, and extremely loving to say, "I'm not ready to be a mother. I want my baby to have a mother that is."

Please know that we ALL have our doubts all the time that we are good moms-it is not just something you are feeling in your unique situation. I think it just comes with the territory. My honest opinion-I think you should keep the baby. Just from your post I can tell that you are a mature and level headed woman. With this, and the major support that you have, you are going to be fine. And you will be a terrific mom because you already have the single most important thing for the baby...Love. And the kind of unselfish love that would even give the baby up if it meant for a better life. Everything else will fall into place.

Well... to know... your BF says he wants to keep the baby. If he's the genetic father, you can't give your baby up for adoption without his (legal) approval. At best (without his approval for the adoption) you can terminate your own rights (otherwise you will need to provide child support, work out visitation -if any- etc., as he or his family raises the baby). If he WILL sign off on the adoption, that's a different matter.

My daughter I lost at 6ish months along... every day it was the battle in my mind; to give her up for adoption or keep her. Every single day. I never came up with an answer. My best friend growing up was adopted... I knew many couples who had adopted children. It was a totally viable option in my own mind, because of all the positives I knew about it. I also didn't have to muck about with a biological father (technically I would have if I'd gone through with the adoption process... notice in the paper giving said person time to object... but coming forward would have also tagged him as my rapist... so it wasn't something I sweated. Probability 0 that he would step forward).

Like I said... I never came up with an answer for myself... as I miscarried at about 32/33 weeks. Every day was the wonder; what kind of mum would I be? What would our lives be like? Alone? Together? I watched so many women thrilled/excited about their pregnancies... but I think I may have chewed through my lower lip through all those months. There's no wrong answer. Which is the hardest part.

That and the fact that *everyone* I talked to had this vested interest. Either those pushing me saying I wasn't ready, or those pushing me saying I was. <laughing> I SWEAR at one point I was going to punch the next person who called me "brave" in the face. Ugh.

Thwibbt. No one ELSE knows if you're ready to be a mum or not, much less whether or not you want to be (huge... and there's no shame in either answer). So ignore them. But DO figure out the legalities... because doing so can totally change what you would choose to do.

((I was 17/18 and in the usmc at the time))

When we had our first I was 20, I hadn't quit finished college, and my husband graduated 2 weeks after our first was born. We had no jobs, and no place to live, he wanted to keep the baby so bad, I was worried. We moved in with my in-laws (whoo-hoo...not) for a few months until he found a job, took 10 mo and we were glad to get out. That's just a glimps for us. There are great resources for moms in situations like this, WIC, Foodstamps, Healthcare throught the state etc. Don't feel bad to use them you pay for them in your taxes your whole life! Now we are 7 years later and have three beautiful children and a finished family, We could not be happier that we had ours when we did. We grew up fast, made wise choices (o.k. well after the choice of baby out of wed-lock ) but hey like I said it was the best thing that happened. So how do you know your making the right decision by being a mommy, well you are racking your brain on whether you are making the right decisions and that is what being a mommy is about! And to be honest some 30 yr old moms arn't mature enough or financial stable enough to have babies but they still do! You have the support and love from family and that is wonderful! This is still your choice and if you do choose to adopt that is fine too, there is a family out there that will love your child as it was their own flesh and blood and that is a wonderful thing for a soon to be mother to know!

Being a mother is hard. As hard as you think it's going to be, it ends up being 10 times harder. Emotionally, physically, spiritually ... it can take every ounce of your being.

That being said, there is nothing in the world more gratifying. Nothing more life-affirming. Your own little example of a miracle. You don't just love your kids, you fall in love with them.

I don't think anyone here can advise you what to do. Making the heartbreaking choice to put your baby up for adoption has got to be the hardest thing you'll do. I hope the conclusion you come to will give your heart peace.

I do think that speaking to an adoption councelor is your logical next step.

Be well and the best of luck to you.

Well here I am- I have 2 kids who are 4 and 8 years old- and I STILL WONDER... If I am going to be a good Mom. Even though I am a Mom, everyday 24/7, already. Then I wonder, will I be a good Mom and will I one day be a great Mom.

So, there is that side to it too.
You always just wonder.
And, no situation is PERFECT, to have a child, to bring a child into... or the parameters of it.
But you have your child or choose to provide him/her, with an environment and Parents, that hopefully will be as good, as you are.
Because, there is that unknown too. Will the other parent(s) be as good as you are, as a Mom.

We all have, an endless whirlpool of love for our children.
No matter what situation and no matter if they are here with us on this Earth, or are elsewhere or in the Heavens around us.

You are worried.
ALL pregnant Moms, worry. All the "what if's" abound.
You are also nervous and you think you are so young.
But your post... sounds very mature and reflective and, thoughtful.
You do not come across as a flighty superficial superfluous 20 year old to me.
And you said you will have major support to take care of your son.

No matter where your child is... you will love him/her and miss him/her, even if she/he is right there with you.

all the best,
Susan

If you do keep your child, you are an unwed parent. There are laws about 'child custody' between Unmarried couples. Please be smart, and RESEARCH 'child custody.' There are MANY different kinds of child custody.
ie: http://singleparents.about.com/od/legalissues/a/typesofcu...
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/types-of-child-cus...
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/maritalproblems/p/chil...

Your brief description of the situation with the baby's father causes me to think you need to assess this situation as if he weren't in the picture. You don't mention having any support. If you don't, then I suggest that considering the possibility of placing for adoption is good.

I suggest that you get some professional counseling help in making this decision. I'm not sure how you would find someone who is knowledgeable in this area, tho. Perhaps call Planned Parenthood. Ask you doctor about getting help. If you know of anyone who counsels ask them. Look up counselors in the yellow pages. Perhaps a minister or priest.

A good compromise is to have an open adoption. One of my friend's nieces, who delivered when she was 20, planned an open adoption thru an agency. She has become an extended member of her adopted child's family. She and her family celebrate birthdays with them and her mother, the grandmother, babysits. She sees the adopted baby several times a year. At some point they plan to let the child know that one is a birth mother and the other an adopted mother. The plan has worked well now for several years.

I think this situation is unusual. It would take several really compassionate and unusual people to do this. Other open adoptions aren't that open but the birth family does get to see the baby sometimes.

One of my best friends fell pregnant when she was 18 and at school. She was living at home and keeping the pregnancy secret. The child's father was not in the picture. When my friend's parents found out about the pregnancy her father wanted her to put the baby up for adoption. When the child was born, the whole family came together and decided they would not see their child leave their family. While her baby was little she went on to university and completed two degrees. She is now a high-flying executive who has married and has two other children. They are very very happy, and so is the baby who is now a lovely teenager. It can be done!

I am currently 20 years old I have a beautiful 16 month old daughter and when I found out I was pregnant when I was 18 I wasn't financially stable, I was recently fresh out of high school and looking at colleges, I wasn't sure I was ready to take on this responsibility. I even had your thoughts of "Maybe I'm not ready for this" but when I think back on it and look at my little girl I am glad I chose to raise her cause it is way to rewarding to give up on something so precious. I have been raising her as a single mom for most of her life and honestly I love it. I didn't have to give up anything, I do college classes online while I am a stay at home mom, I have family that helped me out. One of the things that bothered me with the thought of giving her up was could anyone be as good of a mother and love her as much as I can, I am positive no one could love her like I can. Honestly it is up to you but I think you could do okay with it. If I was you I'd give it a shot, if it gets to stressful ask for help cause I am sure there is someone that can lend you a hand and if worse comes to worse if things are horrible for you in say a month or two after giving motherhood a chance then reconsider adoption.

You stated that adoption is "only your decision to make" after saying that your boyfriend wants to keep the baby, but you're wrong. If your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt out the baby then you won't legally be able to give the baby up for adoption. Even if you break up before the birth and he refuses or is unable to support the baby financially. He has to legally give up all rights and sign for permission to allow the baby to be adopted.

If you decide that you really want to go the adoption route then you have to be 100% certain, and you have to get him on the same page with you ASAP. I think it would be a wonderfully amazing gift for you to allow a couple to adopt your baby, and would be the most selfless, responsible, and loving thing you could do. If you're not ready, then you're not ready. But keeping your baby wouldn't be wrong either. But I have to admit that your description of your "romance" and your boyfriend's financial situation (as well as your own and your shaky support system) leads me to lean toward encouraging you to adopt your baby out.

Good luck in whatever you do.

First, I'm not an advocate for the types of young girls who have babies just for the sake of having babies. Good news is, you already want to make a responsible, educated decision, so I don't think your one of those ;)

Second, I was 19 when I had my first child and 21 when I had my second. I wasn't a hussy... both those relationships were long term, and come to find out I'm allergic to birth control (we weren't using condoms, had been tested, were stupidly relying on my pill)... so yep, 2 pregnancies out of wedlock. Didn't sit well with my parents.

For me, adoption or termination wasn't an option. I dug this hole, now I had to sit in it. It was a real struggle (still is)... BUT I WOULDN'T CHANGE IT FOR ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. It really changed me. I grew up really fast, but I would NEVER change it. I can't imagine life without my daughters!!

I truly believe that it's never a good time for ANYONE to have a baby... until that child gets here. I don't care if you have a mazillion dollars... there's always something going on and expectant mothers are still going to worry if 'now' is the right time. There are certainly ways of making it work. You being so sensitive about the thought of giving this child up is kind of telling me that you'd like to keep this baby. It's YOUR decision, NOT YOUR BOYFRIENDS!! A child is yours forever; boyfriends come and go. This is something you have to be willing to commit yourself to, with or without his help.

PM me if you need to talk :) and BEST WISHES with whatever you decide!

I think that by reading your post, the answer is almost clear. The REAL question to ask yourself is can you imagine your life without your son?

I was 15 when I had my daughter. Of course when my parents found out, the first suggestion was adoption, but I did not think that I would be able to live with that decision. So in August of 1998, my daughter was born and with the AMAZING support of my family and friends I finished high school in 2001, attended a community college for my associates degree and continued online classes for my bachelors, all while working part time. Getting by with a child and school on part time work is very hard, but there is always government assistance. You can get WIC to help with food/formula for the baby, the medical card is great and welfare is not bad, when used for what it is meant for...TO HELP YOU GET STARTED! The support of family and friends is going to be huge. With all of that being said, the decision is not EASY, and it is something only you can decide. Neither decision will be easy. I will be the first to say that being a young mother is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding things you will ever do. My daughter has been my will power and I often wonder where I would be if she was not part of my life. I honestly think that it is because of her that I have made all the GOOD decisions I have.

My daughter is now going to be 13 and is my LIFE, and did I mention that she is also my parents WORLD. They do not miss anything she is involved in sports, school events, etc.

If you would like to talk, please feel free to email me ____@____.com.

There are plenty of twenty year olds who have had babies and people of all economic means. There are plenty of planned parenthood places around the country that encourage peole not to have children but not enough parenthood centers that encourage and teach people about raising their babies. You should get a positive role model who can answer your questions and possibly someone who can help you and the baby when it is born. Don't give it up. Good luck.

lds family services offers free consultations and can talk you through all the options without judging you or pushing you into a decision one way or the other. they will support you with what ever you decide. they are a church adoption agency but you do not need to go to church to use the services. (and you do not need to adopt to have someone to talk to!! if you decide you should keep your baby they won't charge or treat you badly.) my mom used to work for them in michigan but they have offices and representatives in ohio as well. the website is itsaboutlove.org

if you do want to adopt, there are many parents who are unable to conceive who are ready, waiting and longing to have a baby. there are open adoptions if you want to stay in touch and get letters and pictures of your son as he grows up, it doesn't have to be a goodbye forever kind of thing if you don't want it to be. you look at profiles of parents and learn all about them and their lives and you get to choose a home that you like. you can interview them before your choose. and as you have said, giving up your baby for adoption is something you do because you love your baby and want the best for him!!! (not because you want to abandon your child or don't love him-- it's because you are mature enough to realize that you don't have the resources he needs to have the best situation growing up!)

contact them and talk about it, and then do what feels right to you. the choice is not easy, but i am soooooo proud of you for choosing life and giving this boy a chance!

I was 20 when i got pregnant with my oldest. 21 when i had him. I thought of adoption at first but the decided it was best to raise him. i was part way through nursing school and wanted to finish. i ended up breaking up with his father 2 months before he was born after being with him for 2 yrs. i moved back in with my parents and finished nursing school but a year later than the original plan. he is 10 1/2 yrs old now and we are very close. I was terrified to be a mom. didnt think i was going to know what i was doing but i figured it out. Hes a straight A student and well rounded. And his father has never been around.

thats just my story...

This is a hard hard road to be on and I think you are doing the right thing in exploring all options. It may be worth it to talk to a private adoption agency as well as a social worker for the state to see what all does/will happen if this becomes your choice. The best decisions are well informed, plus many couples are happy to have an "open" adoption these days where you will/can still have some part in this child's life. Inform yourself before you make any choice and know that your life will change no matter what you choose.

.

Hi ,

I feel for you. I understand you are in such a hard position. My suggestion would be to go meet with a few adoption counselors and talk with them.They can help you decide if adoption is the right choice for you and your child. I wish you the best with your decision.

M

Hi there, My daughter and daughter in law are both going to have babies soon. We are very excited about it. I would like to answer some of your ?s if you would like to e-mail me I would love to talk to you. ____@____.com. A concerned grandmother

When I caught pregnant with my son, I was 18. I was still in high school (A year behind). Had a very unstable job (I could have 10 hours one week but none the next). Still lived with my parents and younger sisters (Who were also poor, and very... Moody). I was still with my boyfriend (Had been with him for 1 year).

Now I am 19. I graduated high school 3 months after my son was born. I have 4 jobs. I still live at home. I am still with my boyfriend. And we have an AMAZING 6 month old baby boy.

I have government assistance that provides him food (Formula and just recently some solids) and medical care.

My boyfriend helps out in anyway he can. He has literally paid for everything baby related (Except for a cute outfit here or there that I couldn't resist). He can only see us on the weekend because he has to live an hour away for his job.

My family has been very helpful. I haven't paid for childcare yet.

Is it hard? Ya. I haven't been out of the house except to go to work, go to a dr. appointment, or to go see my boyfriend for months. I also haven't communicated with anyone beyond co-workers, doctors, family, and my boyfriend for the same amount of time.

Do I regret my decision to keep my son? Not for second. I love him more than anything else in the world. I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine not being able to see his beautiful smile every day. I can't imagine not being able to soothe him while he cries. I can't imagine not being able to see all his 'firsts'.

You said that you love your son. That is all that matters. That is all that he needs.

Everything else... There's plenty of government programs out there to help you.

We all have doubts as mothers. My mom is 56 and she still wonders sometimes if she makes the right decision for me, and i;m grown. You say that you have a good support system, and that always helps. Sometimes not having yourself together gets turned around by having a baby. I was just living for me,myself and I before I got pregnant. I had a job but it was not enough to take care of a baby but as soon I had my son, that "HEY, GET IT TOGETHER, IT;S NOT JUST YOU ANYMORE"!, mode kicked in. I went back to school while working because i knew i wanted him to have the best. You know what you are capable of and what your heart says, If you know there is the slightest chance that you know you can make it with this baby then i say keep him. If you choose to give him up for adoption I would agree with Marda and opt for an open adoption because it sounds to me that you don't want to give him up and just know know him or that he not know you. so leave the door open for both of your sakes. This site has many wise women who can offer you if nothing else but emotional support for which ever direction you choose,so use it to your advantage! I wish you the best of luck and your in my prayers!