Not Included in "Promise" Made to Kid

Anyone on unemployment (unless there's a big family savings account) is not responsible to buy expensive gifts. The best thing he and you could have done for this child is to explain the facts....the family has NO extra money and must attend to the needs of the entire family.....house payments, food, utilities, etc.

The kids could share their iPads.

Honestly, this does not sound like a very cohesive family.

I would tell her she will have to wait until finances improve. Acknowledge that he did promise but things were different then.

Someone needs to be working!

It will break her heart now if he renegs because, even knowing the circumstances--he promised it.

I am a single mother of 3 very bright, hard-working daughters. My youngest, 11, just got straight A's - she got NOTHING materialistic, but tons of praise and I took a photo of her report card, posted it on my Facebook page and emailed it to her dad and all of his side of the family. She thought that was awesome!

Although I agree with most of what is said below - "getting income" and "finding work" DOES NOT COME EASY! It will be two years Dec 15 since I was laid off from a VERY lucrative job and I still have not found work. I have applied for over 300 of them - gone on 2 interviews - and BTW, found the comment by K. about the "stench of unemployment" a bit offensive, but true.

AND, YES, UNEMPLOYMENT RUNS OUT - mine did 3 months ago. I am living on nothing, but thank the Good Lord, my parents have a home large enough for us to live with them until I get us back on our feet (which is seeming further and further away, but that's a whole other post).

I do agree though, you both should be actively searching for work. Who knows, you may be the fortunate one that is LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A JOB! Just because that was the agreement when your son was born, things happen and changes must take place in order to do what is best for the all concerned.

Good luck to you and remember it doesn't take much to find someone much worse off than we are . . .

This is all a moot point, you realize that...right.

It's been 7 MONTHS. Someone needs to get a job, sweetheart. An IPAD shouldn't even be on the agenda. Unemployment, is NOT income. It's a back up plan, emergency resources, our tax dollars at work. Priorities need to be looked at, and someone needs to be gainfully employed.

Okay so he made a promise to her, but he does not have the money to keep his promise.
His girl is almost 9.
If that were me... I would sit down with my daughter, and explain to her... that per life/budget/being unemployed/having hardly any money, and whatnot... that AT this time, I cannot.... buy it now. And further say to her "I am very sorry, I am proud of you and I was going to reward you with the iPad, but I cannot afford it right now..." etc.
If that were my daughter, she would, understand. She would not expect me to buy her a $400 dollar item, knowing that we as a family have no money.
Husband, has to ADMIT that he made a mistake and it affected her. He made the wrong choice. AND he has to APOLOGIZE to her and own, his mistake and be a man.

And, gifting expensive devices to kids, when the parents cannot even afford it & have no jobs, is foolish.

All combined, you and Hubby have 3 kids.
And, if there are any priorities, being there is only unemployment money coming in and nothing else, giving expensive gifts, is simply not, logical.
For any of the children.

And besides, his daughter did not make... all A's. She got one B+.
BUT, still, if/when she does attain ALL A's... then what? What is he going to do? Giving a kid, a $400 "gift" is really, over the top.
I mean, as a Mom/Wife/Parent... do YOU ever get yourself something that is $400?
What and where, are the priorities?
Kids... need to be taught, about life/budget etc.
Your Husband's daughter is thankfully a "bright" girl who does well in school. But so, is he going to continue... to reward her with costly items... ALL throughout her school years???? That will be even more and more costly. It it is a $400 iPad now... then he will have to top that, every time.
That is a BAD vicious cycle to create, with a child. BAD BAD BAD foolish thinking.

Geez, $400... can feed a family for a few weeks. And pay off bills. And get the kids things they really need, like outgrown shoes/underwear/clothing and get gas for the car.

No to the iPad.
Husband NEEDS to talk to his daughter, and be a grown up and be more responsible and ADMIT, his stupid mistake.

And, on top of this, being Husband is unemployed and you don't work... how the heck is the family being covered or not with medical insurance? COBRA is expensive too.

What a foolish thing to get at a time like this, a $400 iPad is really, foolish. And your Husband is very foolish. AND WHY... even think of getting Kindles?????? Why even think of getting anything... so costly and not necessary?

Ditto what Krista said.

You and your husband have no business buying stuff that is not needed when you are BOTH unemployed. Absolutely not.

I'm with Bug on this one. The iPad is not the issue here. The issue is that it's been 7 months and neither one of you is working. One or both of you could have a job and bring income into the house.

I never pay my kids for their grades. That's insane in my opinion. They work hard and they are rewarded with praise and doing right for themselves, not by getting an iPad for the first quarter. Maybe if she did it all year? But even then, we don't pay for that stuff.

I think you guys really need to figure out how to raise all of the kids, because it's not working. Someone get a job, don't make promises that can't be kept, and CO-parent.

The first thing is she did what she had to do to earn the iPad, you guys need to figure out how to obtain one. I will suggest you go to gamestop and purchase a refurbished one for a more affoardable price.

here is an example:http://www.gamestop.com/ipad/tablets/ipadr-16gb-wifi-blac...

I have purchased MANY refurbished items from gamestop with NO issues - you can also get an affoardable warranty at purchase.

Here is the other issue - both parties should go on a job hunt right now, I understand that if he makes more money in his field his job is priority, but both should be looking for work. If you find one that supplements the unemployment income you can quit once he finds one IF you need/want to go back to being a SAHM. Long story short, income is everyone's responsibility.

To address your main concern, you both need to discuss these things with eachother. I also would hope you will take this into account and discuss an "update" to how you will do things in the future. I do not think that he was right to promise something he knew he may not be able to fulfill and that to me is the BIG problem.

Ok first of all you said he told her if she got all A's well if she got a B+ that's not all A's. Second he needs to tell her flat out that ya'll don't have the money to get it as he is not working still. He should not get mad at you. But for you to say they have to sell their stuff to get one you should not make them do that. If it's supposed to be a gift you don't make them sell something to get a gift. Or at least I never would. Also 9 year old's don't need their own IPad. To me that's crazy. My kids both have IPod touches and I have an IPad. They can play with mine but I would never get them their own and my kids are 10 and 13. Sounds like you need to have a long talk with him!!!

Good luck and God Bless!

I also like what Krista said. You and hubby need to get the finances sorted out.

Seems to me that it's moot - she did not get straight A's - she got 1 - B+. So, she did not meet the criteria and he should not feel on the hook to buy the device.

I also think that you should explain to your hubby and he explain to his daughter that her "reward" for doing well in school will come later when she's able to get a job that will support her. If he wants to give a little incentive, fine, but nothing as extravagant as an electronic device. Kids need to learn to do things because it's in their best interests whether they want to or not and also learn not to expect a reward for doing a good job. Self-esteem and self-satisfaction should be their reward.

But yes, I would be highly ticked off. You and hubby are going to have these fights until someone passes away (you, he or one of the kids). I know you think it will stop when they become adults, but believe me, it won't.

As a single working mom raising two kids by myself, I knew better than to "promise" my kids anything.

I make pretty good money when I'm healthy, but I've been off work with a broken leg, I've been hospitalized with shingles and pneumonia. When I'm not working, obviously, money is not abundant. My kids have NEVER gone without the necessities, EVER. I never paid them for "chores" and I never paid them for good grades. That's not to say they weren't rewarded, because they were. But, I never would have promised them something expensive if there was any hint of a chance that I couldn't follow through with it. As a result, guess what.........I never had kids that demanded I follow through.

When I was married, I had kind of the same issue you are facing. My husband constantly was spending tons of money on his son from his first marriage and giving him things because he "promised" him. Well, I have to admit, I thought his argument was pretty ridiculous when it came to, "I promised him when he was 9 years old that I would buy him a car at 16. I REFUSE to break my promise!" At 16, the kid was on the verge of being kicked out of school, he was truant, cut school constantly, and my husband apparently believed it would get better if the kid had wheels. WRONG. His attendance got even worse when he actually had a way to drive around.
All my husband focused on was not breaking a promise.

In your case, the girl followed through on her end. I believe she should be rewarded, but not to the detriment of the rest of the family during difficult times and not just because your husband can't break a "promise" he made.

My point is about promises.

I promise to always love you, I promise to always be here, I promise to be proud of you no matter what.

Monetary promises can be a slippery slope, and I truly believe that well-adjusted kids understand the concept of not being able to be given everything they want. They can wish for something, they can want for something. No problem there. However, it doesn't hurt kids to understand that Daddy or Mommy lost their job or aren't making the same money temporarily and the main thing is having a house and food and trying to take care of everyone as a team effort is how it has to be for now.

That said, I think you and your husband should talk about how to come up with a compromise. Your daughter might have to wait a bit, but you can very likely find something for far less than $400. My son, who is 17 now, never asks for anything, but he mentioned a techno doo-hickey and I priced them at Radio Shack and other places. The price was out of the question, and I told him so.

We actually found one on e-Bay and it was delivered just yesterday.
Brand new, an iPod accessory he'd been wanting. Including shipping, it was less than $15. I didn't even have to bid. It was a "Buy it Now" thing.
My son had to wait, but he got exactly what he wanted and it cost almost nothing. He didn't get one for his birthday in June, but he got one yesterday.

He's happy.

It's okay for kids to wait. It's okay for them to know they earned something, but they might not get it immediately.

I believe that the concept of instant gratification does more harm than good, but that's just my opinion.

Best wishes.

I agree with Krista as well so won't repeat it all. I would find a way to work towards getting her the ipad since it was promised but I can't believe they have all this stuff to begin with. We're very secure financially so no problem at all to buy ipads and we have an 8 year old and no friggin' way am I buying her an ipad. She also doesn't have an ipod OR Nintendo 3dds. Every minute kids are on those devices is a minute they're not exercising or using their imaginations. And what is there left to look forward to when they're older if they get all this expensive stuff now? Maybe show your husband these responses. Granted, my husband and I have an ipad so my daughters do use them to play music and dance. So those moments are exercise but sitting and playing games or surfing isn't. Your husband messed up in 2 ways and I think he needs to admit that to his daughter and have an honest conversation with her.

This sounds like a good jumping off point for a lot of conversations with your husband. Probably it wont all get worked out with this one issue, as there is a lot going on revolving around this.

I glanced at a few responses and I am very surprised that people felt the iPad must be bought. My son is younger, so I don't know what it is like to have a 9 year old, but don't 9 year olds (esp bright ones ) know a bit about money? Dad made a mistake by promising something you cannot afford. Now the teachable moment is about money.

Plus, she was supposed to get ALL As, she did not, so there is your loophole.

Well, he certainly doesn't owe her anything, much less an iPad, for getting good grades. She got a B+, so no iPad for her. The deal was straight As, right?

But that's beside the point. Your husband is unemployed. What in the world was he thinking, suggesting that he would buy her a $400 toy under any circumstances? That's completely delusional, as well as totally disrespectful to you. We are financially quite successful, and even so, my husband knows I'd have his head (and likewise) if we made such a promise to a child without first consulting each other. I really think you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your husband about this.

I'm sure on some level he feels badly that he is not able to provide nice things for you and the children, and this is his way of making up for it (i.e. pretending there's no problem). However, there IS a problem, and he needs to be very clear with himself as well as the kids that right now, it's just not possible to buy expensive toys.

Your kids have iPods, they don't need iPads. After your husband finds a new job, you've paid off whatever bills you may have, and you've put money into savings, THEN he can buy toys for the kids. Until then, they can certainly be happy with what they have, which is more than most kids have!

I love Krista's response, and agree 100% with all of it.

No problem here. If the agreement was all A's and she got 1 B there is not iPad in her immediate future. She DID NOT fulfill her part of their agreement and he is off the hook. She didn't get all A's as agreed. He needs to find another way of congratulating her outside of buying her affection.

You can be mad at your husband all you want but I would encourage you to get out there and get a job to help out with the family finances. He may not like it but we all have to do what has to be done for the short term to get us to our long term goals as a family.

Lastly unemployment doesn't last forever. Don't wait until it runs out for you to go back to work if you are the more employable at this time. While your husband is on unemployment he should seriously consider getting some additional training or certifications in his field. This would put him in a better position for making contacts and connections which are necessary for getting a job. Secondarily he should seriously consider taking what ever job he is offered no matter what the pay because anything beats a blank and when you have a job you are more attractive to employers than when you have the stench of unemployment all over you.

Don't be mad but get some income in for this tough time. Don't wait because it may get much worse before it gets better. My husband was unemployed for the first seven months of this year but I work full time. It makes a difference. Time for you to make a difference to where you can.

What if he were to get the iPad for her once he's working again?

In the meantime, he could give her some small gift while to say congralations on a job well done while he waits to hired on.

Also, selling anything the kids (or anyone for that matter) doesn't use is
a great idea. Extra cash is always helpful esp when things are just
sitting around being used. Or wanting to turn in something for a newer
model for that matter.

I'm pretty sure that "All A's and 1 B" is NOT the same as "All A's"...you know...because of that "1 B". So why should she get an iPad? He should have said "Oh, sorry, sweetie, you got one B, the deal was all A's, remember?" and be done with it.

But, yeah, if money is tight, he shouldn't be making promises he can't keep...

Sounds like a classic case of the non-custodial dad unthinkingly giving his child material things because it makes him feel better about himself and his relationship with her.

It also sounds like he may have blithely promised a device with no idea at all how much it actually costs. Not smart. And not a habit for him to start with her.

He (not you, not her mom) must sit down with her and explain that when he said that he did not realize how tight money would be at the time her grades came. She is old enough to learn that things cost money, sometimes plenty of it, and to learn too that adults sometimes are just wrong. He needs to come clean and say he cannot afford an iPad for her now or anytime soon, and he should be CLEAR that he is not saying "Maybe soon, maybe by spring, maybe for your birthday" or whatever. No promise. He should have an alternative ready: Time spent with her doing something fun that she really likes. She needs his presence, not his presents. Yes, she will be disappointed and maybe upset but he needs to take this on board, admit his responsibility for promising something he could not afford, and ensure she AND he learn the lesson.

And as someone else noted-- you and he need to have a real discussion about which of you is going to go out today and find SOME form of job other than unemployment insurance. Not so you can buy electronics for the kids but so you can be able to show the kids that working any job is honorable. Why are you even considering putting tax money (do you mean your tax refund money?) toward upgraded electronics for your kids, even if they do sell their curren i-whateror whatevers to help out? Take that refund money and bank it. There seems to be a problem here with priorities overall.

Sorry... But your priorities are screwed up!

Who plans on buying ipads when you're unemployed and broke!?!?

My husband works a seasonal job. That means, unless it snows a LOT (he gets paid for salting and plowing during the winter) we won't have much money soon.

Recently I received financial aid for school. My books and classes are paid. So I spent it ALL (4,000) on BILLS AND CLOTHES! Now we don't have to pay rent until March. By then we will have our tax check, which is being used for BILLS and moving to another state in the summer.

And "extras" will come after that, when we are financially stable.

The promise for good grades is irrelevant! You need to pay the bills, keep your kids clothed, and stock up on food. You DO NOT need more devices!!

He shouldn't have promised such an expensive reward especially since he really can't afford it. Right now she doesn't have all As and you should probably have a few months before the next report card comes out so that is a good thing. He did promise it to so if she does bring home all As, he does owe it to her (it's not her fault he promised her).

Now is the time for him to have the conversation with her that he is very proud of her hard work and grades. He needs to tell her that he never should have made the promise because he can't afford to get it for her immediately but since he did promise it, he will honor his word but it will not happen instantaneously. Explain that he will start putting some money away in a "Suzie's ipod" fund as he is able and WILL eventually get it for her.

I don't agree with making them sell something else to get a gift from you and since you have already set a the precadence that once one gets it so does the other, I hope you don't make your son sell his other things when the time comes.

You and hubby need to get on the same page with these older kids NOW because it is only going to get harder. For all the kids, you need to establish some ground rules regarding not threatening punishment or rewards that you know you either can not or will not really follow through on.

It's hard, and iPads are expensive, so you might include her in the discussion about budgeting and saving, and set a savings account for it. Then she can also contribute to the set-aside account for this one thing. Another thought is to check for used ones, Craigs list or a Pawn shop. He didn't promise a new one.

Tough spot, and hubby screwed up.

He does have to come through with his promise, but that doesn't mean right this second. His dd is more then old enough to understand that money is tight. Sit her down and talk to her, let her know that she will be getting an ipad as soon as dad finds a job. Put the responsibility back on his shoulders, even if that means he has to work some where 'beneath' him.

You also should be looking, any income on your part is better then no income, and every penny does count. If he's been home all of this time he can take care of the kids while you are supplementing the income. He can look around your hours.

I would not be happy about that either . . . but I would try to cut him some slack and show some grace (without being a push-over).

If he's determined can he clean some houses or do yard work on the side (snow removal?) to drum up the $400? Since he made the promise, and apparently doesn't want to explain things to his daughter, he needs to figure out how to get it done.

It's very tough to be in a blended family and this is one of those moments. Hang in there.

You're married to a train wreck, mom. I don't know how you stand it.

It really sounds like his head is totally in the sand. What will it take to wake him up to this precarious situation? What were the REAL circumstances of his divorce? Was he a poor provider then? Did he ignore reality? Is that what blew up his last relationship?

I don't think I could stand it.

Wish I had advice other than demand that he stop showing his daughter preferential treatment. You are caught between a BIG rock and a hard place. Please don't have anymore kids with him until you are sure he figures out that EVERYONE matters - not just his first born.

Dawn

I think that you need to sit down with him about the finances. Make it less about not rewarding the kid and more about financial reality. And you and he need to make a pact about spending a lot of money you don't have. For example, when I was working FT and I had my own account and spent $100 on shoes, that was MY money. It wasn't keeping the roof over our heads or food on the table. You can tell him that he can tell her that the iPad needs to be a delayed item. Not now vs never. Frankly, I think it should be never because it's an extravagance, but if he wants to follow through, he needs a job, bills need to be paid, etc. I suspect he didn't really think it through all the way and you and he need to sit down and talk turkey (or at least Benjamins) before he makes any purchases. If my DH makes a deal with the sks but HE can afford to bank it, then I'm not so mad. But if he was out of work and we were struggling, SS's car would not have even been a consideration. You need to take care of your home more than SD needs an iPad. Kids need to learn about financial priorities. My DH wanted to get each sk a car. We couldn't afford it. He told SD that he'd try to afford one later, and only got SS a car. Things happen. We were no less proud of SD but her gratification (car) needs to wait. It was more important to put down her housing deposit than to put her in wheels. So I agree to tell SD you are superproud of her, but the household can't swing $400 right now.

Many times when my DH gets riled up about his older kids, it's because he thinks I'm attacking his parenting when it's not all about what I think about the kids' behavior. So that's why I suggest laying down all expenditures and going over the budget so he SEES there's no money for this. Really get into needs and wants and where you are financially. It's a hard conversation to have, but times are tough. You both need to lay it all out there.

And, down the road, discuss with him about household rewards vs this one gets an iPad because dad says so but that one doesn't because you don't want one. Make things appropriate cross the board.

Paying for grades is a slippery slope.

I do think your husband did a wrong thing in promising something to his kid that he had NO idea how to make good on. The fact that he promised her a pie in the sky reward (for doing what she is supposed to be doing, I might add) with the idea that she'd never actually be able to do it is also troubling. If he admits this to her, he'll most certainly be wearing some egg on his face, as they say.

This is the compromise I would make, since what is done is done: sit down with him and do a budget each month. Whatever is left over can do go into the the iPad fund. However long it takes to save it up---well, he will have to explain that to her. The iPad does not come before groceries, gas, and/or living expenses. If you have a monthly allowance for extras, it really should not come out of that. He made a promise he really shouldn't have, but let him work it out with his daughter while you make sure the family expenses are taken care of first.

The idea of if YOU need to go back to work should be a separate conversation, IMO. I wouldn't bring it up in the context of this incident with him. He's defensive because he put himself in the doghouse. I wouldn't heap coals on his head, instead, the consequences which will occur in his relationship with his daughter will likely be enough.

Wow I would be mad too!

Actually, my husband just did almost the same thing. His daughter and my oldest son are the same age (14). She is a great student. She doesn't need to be bribed with rewards for good grades - to me, when someone is smart and works to his or her potential, you give the child your sincere congratulations and maybe celebrate with something small, like going out for ice cream. So what did he do? Without asking me told her that if she made honors all year, he would pay her $75 a semester ($300 total, it would be $400 for high honors) and that he would us the money to pay for her to go to California with a friend. Well the friend invited her to go this February, not next summer. We agreed that she could go because I was under the impression that she was paying for her plane ticket ($340) herself with baby-sitting money and that we would kick in some spending money. She has made almost $500 is baby-sitting money since September from a job that I got for her just so that she could save up for this trip. He told me last night that she's not paying for the trip, WE are, for her grades (of which only two semesters will be done before the trip). And that she's using her savings for spending money and to buy a video camera for the trip. What? We don't have $500 to buy oil for the house but now we're supposed to front $300+ for a trip for a kid who has hundreds of dollars at her disposal? I'm so mad I can't even address this.

Anyway...I'm sorry that I have no real advice for you. Just wanted to let you know that I understand your situation. I have no idea how we'll resolve the situation here, but I do know that I am NOT paying for a plane ticket when she's sitting on a pile of cash.

Well my first thought is: All As and a 1 B is good grades, but it's not straight As, so why is this even an issue.

My second thought is: You don't have the money. Period. If he promised her the iPad and feels he needs to follow though, he'll have to give her an IOU until you can afford it. Period.

He should have never promised something so expensive with no job. Sorry, he has to come through on this one. But I think she is old enough to understand that dad doesn't have a job and she can get one when he gets a job or gets his tax return money. I think Christmas should be one or 2 presents each or a dollar limit like 20 dollars considering the employment situation and the Ipad situation.

He did not say WHEN he would get it--he had BETTER not buy it with the limited unemployment money (if he were my hubby). But WAIT--he will continue this kind of parenting and the costs will rise with each year she gets older. You are in for a long ride...

Here is what I would do.

I would get the finances together on a spreadsheet, or a piece of paper. Write in how much is being brought in by both of you each month, and all the expenses that go out.

Then, approach your hubby in a POSITIVE manner. Tell him you are so proud of your stepdaughter and you understand that he promised her an iPad. Tell him you'd like to work out how you are going to get the iPad for her.

Approaching it in that manner puts you and him on the same side so he's likely to listen instead of getting all defensive.

Let the numbers do the talking. You can't afford it, and he's not going to believe you until he SEES it.

Keep approaching it from a positive manner. You want HIM to come up with the solution, because if it doesn't come from him, he won't listen. His solution may be that you wait until later when you can afford it. Or maybe he gets an extra side job to pay for it. Or maybe you can get a used iPad from ebay--an older model--and it's a Christmas gift.

Whatever it is, he needs to see the facts and come up with the solution himself. You just stay positive and "guide" him to the solution.

My husband is similar to yours in many ways. He won't listen AT ALL when it comes to his daughter. So I've learned that I have to stay on his side and let him "experience" it for himself. For example, his daughter said she wanted to learn how to play guitar. He wanted to buy her an expensive guitar right off the bat for Christmas. I KNEW she wouldn't like it, I knew she would hate the strings pushing on her fingers etc. But he wouldn't listen. Soooo, I suggested we all go to a music store and try out different guitars. Well, wouldn't you know she tried a few guitars and decided she didn't like it at all and wanted a keyboard instead (which we already have 2 keyboards).

Good luck! I understand your position and I feel for you!

I agree an ipad is too much for a young kid, that is why we decided on kindle fires for our boys.

I would have him apologize to his daughter for making a promise he can't keep. He can explain that he hoped he would have the $ but he doesn't, so he needs to do what is best for the whole family. It is better for her to have a broken promise than to have her parents continue to struggle financially. My main goal would be to do whatever it takes to bring financially security.

Have you considered that he might be depressed?

Promising his daughter gave him the 'hero' and 'provider' feeling he lost 7 months ago. The longer he has to look for a job, the more emotional rewards he is going to look for, and they're not all going to make sense to you.

To start with, I would look for a part-time or holiday job to subsidize your income. It might also 'encourage' your husband to re-energize his own search. Next create a budget, a very strict budget, where he has some cash to spend. If chooses to blow it all on a n I-pad, that's his choice. All extra money needs to be put in an emergency fund, because unless he gets employed, you will run out of unemployment, and it will be an emergency. Then find someone to talk to, a pastor, counselor, or other impartial party. Money is the most common topic for a couple to fight over, and with the other stressers in your life, it's a ticking time bomb.