Not Loved the Way I Want to be(LONG)

If you are really planning on leaving I'd do it now. It's only going to get SO much harder with a 6 week old. Start getting stuff together and let him know you are planning on being out of the house by X date, that you just can't do it anymore. If he has a heads up you're serious he may jump into action.. or he may not then you'll know for sure. Good luck, there's way better men out there for you!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also a cop's wife. My husband and I have been through some tough times over the 17 years we have been married. It is hard to stay connected unless you really work at it. I remember once it had gotten so bad that I packed up the two older kids left. I was pregnant at the time. The kids were all under six. I had no money and no place to go. A snow storm was brewing. The entire situation stunk. He ended up calling me several times and I explained I was not coming home. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I knew I couldn't be with him at that moment. He finally said he would leave and I could bring the kids home. He ended up telling the kids that the way he acted was not appropriate for anyone to act. The biggest turning point came when I began to do something incredibly radical. I began to pray like I have never prayed. I then gave up eating all lunches and offered that up as a sacrifice for him. Each time he would get verbally out of line or acted inappropriately I would not say a word. I would just begin to pray without saying a word to him. Somehow everything turned around. We went on to become closer and closer. Since then we have survived the death of two of our children. We clung to one another and became even stronger. I guess I feel like my marriage is mine and I am not about to give it up without a fight. I don't think that it is possible to really be married without God being front and center. I know that it is only because I chose to love my husband even when it was difficult and asked God to take care of the rest that we are together to this day.

Before planning to leave, sit him down and tell him that you are planning to leave. I would give him the opportunity knowing you are serious about this. If he still continues to be a jerk, I would separate too. Make sure you will be finanically ok and that you have a safe and stable place for your children though. You can't be selfish when it comes to your children. You do deserve to be happy.

Wish i could give you a hug! I am so sorry that you are going through this. Why won't your husband go to counseling??? Has he ever said why? Also, when did the intimacy stop? After you got pregnant? Started showing? I have concerns about you being calm and asking him about the two of you and he is indifferent. Do you think he would cheat? Has something happened at work? To up and leave after another addition to the family is pretty serious. I think you need counseling to keep yourself in check and wait until after the baby is born like you said before you do anything. I know I was on an emmotional rollercoaster until the pregnancy hormones settled down.

I thought I'd pass you on a couple of neat diagrams that I find helpful:
http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/0...
http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/0...

All I can say is that it sounds like you've done everything in your power to show up for your side of your relationship. It doesn't sound like your husband does the same, and I'm sorry. That hurts bad.

You are not alone. Sometimes leaving an unhealthy/unequal relationship is what is best for us and our family. I'd like to suggest that you begin quietly making copies of all of your financial documents. Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and just explore your options - you don't have to make a decision...but it helps to be informed. If you haven't already begun individual counseling, you might start exploring that. Remember, not all lawyers or counselors are created equal, and who works best for us is different, so don't be afraid to switch if it doesn't seem like a good fit.

In the meantime, try to take care of yourself and your body. You're not crazy, and you're not alone.

Big hugs.

Oh N., I feel for you so much. You must be just mentally and physically exhausted. It is unfortunate that most men do not truly understand the extent of things that we do for the family, for them, for the children, and for the household. And when we spill our feelings out and let them know what we need, it goes in one ear and out the other. It's the Y chromosome girl. LOL Just a little humor there, but not trying to make light of this, because it is truly something that men should really pay attention to. They do not know what they have until it's GONE. Most people don't realize that. We all make that mistake I think.
Sounds like you have tried everything, and you're right. Therapy will not work if only one of you is going. Family Therapy is vital in situations like this in order to rebuild a strong foundation. May be ask him directly what he wants out of this relationship? What does he expect of you, where does this all leave you and the children? Where do you stand with each other...vice versa etc. If he won't sit down with you and talk about all of this, then all it will do is fester and it will end up blowing up. Men, even though they work and they are not around the house and family much due to being at work; also feel the stress of being a parent. And with his job, being an Officer, he is truly dealing with dangerous situations every day. It's got to take a toll on him. I'm not excusing his behavior, but merely pointing out that this could be what he's feeling. Most men don't know how to release their feelings into words. They have to veg out (play xbox), in order for their own 'down time'. My husband plays computer games in order to relieve stress and have down time. It works for him. Don't know how, but he says it does.
Take some time away from the situation and allow yourself this break so you can come back to it with a fresher mind, and perhaps a different perspective on things. Then approach him about family therapy, or even just talking with each other and allow each other to vent and tell one another what you need out of the relationship. And do your best to give that to each other. It takes a lot of work. As the years go by, as time changes, we too change, and sometimes we end up going separate ways, instead of embracing that change together and going with the flow of it. It's definitely easier said than done. But it can work, and it can be done if both parties are willing. He loves you. He may be at a loss too as to how to go about things. Men have such a different way of dealing with issues from us women, and it definitely can lead to conflict.
Hope this helps you. Think about what brought you all together in the first place and share that memory with your hubby...with a smile, with an 'i love you', and share with him what you love about him, what attracted you to him. Keep it positive. No "buts" in the conversation, and no 'negative' comments. Keep the positive energy and it may lift both of you up. :-)
HUGS to you!

the first thing you need to do is figure out what the heck is going on with him. my husband used to be a police officer and i have to say they're sometimes their own special brand of people. lol. i used to feel neglected after the birth of our son and i found out that my husband was having a really hard time adjusting to our new life as parents. he struggles with it still but is a lot better - i talked to my therapist about it and she said cops usually handle stress a lot differently than other people - they can handle stress most others can't (i.e. guns in their faces) but can't handle everyday things that most of us can. so it could be the stress issue that's making him retreat. another thing that comes to mind is did he witness your birth (i.e. see everything as your kid came out down there?). there's this condition where sometimes men stop being able to see their wives as sexual beings after they become mothers. my husband's cop friend had that and ended up divorcing. my hubby said he wasn't going to see what goes on down there b/c he was worried the same would happen to him but the nurse made him help out when i was giving birth and he saw everything!!! lol. luckily he didn't have that problem though and he still wants me sexually. thank goodness!! anyway, i just want to encourage you to speak to him (try again if you've already tried) to get to the root of the problem. tell him what you told us and that you're going to leave b/c you can't take it anymore and if he cares at all, you need to communicate. very important - when you talk to him, don't be whiny or demanding or accustaory or highly emotional. hopefully that'll help him to open up to you. good luck!

I just wonder what didn't work about therapy. It is not like they have a magic wand you have to open to changing how you see yourself and others. So many times we get so stuck in our perception of reality that we truly do not see how things really are. When that goes both ways, as it appears it has in your case, there is just no way you can properly communicate to repair your marriage.

What I mean is you feel unloved and appreciated. He probably sees something he is doing as showing you this. So when you say you don't feel unloved an appreciated he thinks you are nuts. So you react to that, he reacts to your reaction. Walls go up. He needs to explain what he feels he does to show you how you are loved and appreciated and he won't do it because he now feels you don't appreciate what he does to show you that you are loved an appreciated.

Clear as mud?

Going on just what you put here I don't see your relationship as ruined. What I see is a massive failure to communicate that is going both ways. I see at the beginning that you enjoy being home with the kids, that is not going to be possible if you divorce. Please think about that before you call it quits.

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