A month after I turned 20 I got pregnant, a month after that I found out. I love my son and I don't regret anything however I am going to marry a wonderful man who is very iffy on the subject of rather or not he wants kids of his own (which is perfectly fine by me since I feel the same way) His Mother however is not so iffy about being a grandmother. If you talk to her she will tell you that she will be a grandmother and even went so far one day as to tell me that she will not allow her son and I to wait to have children and even scolded me when I said 'if we ever children'. I find this kinda disturbing. I feel like since I had a child so young I missed out on alot of things...when I got pregnant I was planning on going to Ireland to study veterinary medicine which of course didn't happen and I'm very happy it didn't because alot of things have happened that wouldn't have had I gone. But when I try to explain to his mother why at this point in my life (I'm 23) I don't want anymore children she gets very upset and makes me feel selfish. I have so much I want to do before I even think about having another child, I want to start volunteering again, my fiance and I have a dream of growing our own food and having a little mini-farm type deal. I love being able to devote my time to my son with out having to worry that another child is going to feel unloved, I have trips I want to take with my son (whose 3) and I don't want to be pregnant or have to worry about caring for another child. I just don't know how to get her to stop. There are other reasons why I don't want to be pregnant as well....more personal reasons that she just dismisses which upsets me. I'm not saying I don't want any kids ever I'm just saying I don't want kids right now but that doesn't seem to be good enough! I just don't know what else I can say to her that will get it though to her that she needs to stop. She makes it very hard to be nice when she gets in to her 'I want grand children' rants
PT.2 My future Mother In Law has been telling my fiancé that she wants Grandkids since he turned 16 so he just ignores her, she does have another son (2 years older and not even close to settling down). She does love my son but she feels that my son is my mom’s grandchild and so she wants one of her ‘own’ I try to reassure her that there is room in our lives for everyone it just might require some super-human organizing skills around the holidays. I have a theory about why she is so set on wanting a grandchild and it’s because she wanted one more baby but her husband was perfect happy with the two they had so she has gone through her life always wanting another child but not be able to have one. I feel for her I do which is why I think she comes to me when she gets on a baby rant. I have told her numerous times my baby making cut of age is 38 but I’d be willing to adopt at any age. I don’t want to be mean because I really want a good relationship with her …and I was raised with the ‘respect your elders’ discipline so it’s very hard for me to be disrespectful. I am also very private and protective of my family sometimes to a fault (it’s a trait I get from my Mom :-D) and I’m beginning to feel she is intruding, I mean there is a reason my friends and family call me Momma Bear! LOL. I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like she’s putting me in an awkward position. Honestly, I feel like ever since her son and I got engaged she thinks of me as the ‘enemy’ the one that’s taking her son away even though she loved me when we were just dating. I’m sure she still loves me it’s just even though we have talked about things in the past and I have made my position very clear she thought that I would change my mind. IDK what’s going on, she used to respect my decisions but now that I will be ‘family’ it’s like she thinks she has the right to question me and I don’t like it!
Um, don't engage her in this conversation anymore.
When she begins her rant either change the subject, or politely leave the room. Also, your fiance should be having a discussion with her about this issue, especially since you and he share the same views. He needs to make it clear to his mother that this is not a topic for conversation.
Oh, and she is getting a grandson! Your wonderful little man.
My 1st thought was, when you marry her son, she WILL have a grandchild. YOUR son. Doesn't she think of it that way? If not, that's sad.
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I can understand a parent stating an interest in having grandchildren...but what does she consider your 3 year old...chopped liver?
You're 23. I had my son when I was 39....that's 16 years from now for you. Who knows? You might get a little farm and think "Hey, this farm needs a kid!", right?
Your MIL needs to seriously back off of this topic.
And your fiance needs to tell her that.
Yesterday.
Good luck!
She'll have a grandchild when you are married, just not a bio-grandchild yet. And your fiance needs to tell her to back off and be a grandmom to the grandchild she's about to have.
It's not your job to get her to stop, it's your fiance's job to set the ground rules, and it's her job to back the heck off.
You're 23 for heaven's sake; you have 15 years to decide if you want to have children together with your fiance, and she's going to have to wait till you do, and be happy with what she has in the meantime.
I had my son at 39 - he's 4 now. I do wish we'd started earlier so we could perhaps have another (but at the same time, I'm still sleep deprived and don't know WHERE I'd get the energy for another one LOL!)
Don't talk about your reasons anymore.
If you say anything, I would just say something like...."We certainly won't be having any children until well after the wedding. My doctor says that stress can inhibit my getting pregnant, so we have agreed not to talk about that subject at this time and I hope you will respect not adding more pressure."
If she REALLY wants another grandkid, hopefully that will get her to zip it.
Whether you have another kid or not someday, it might hopefully get her off your back for a while.
Just a suggestion.
Stop allowing her to engage you in this topic. I find you to be a very wise person for someone so young and I admire you for thinking this through.
Future MIL, on the other hand, is a nut case. If she brings up the topic, DO NOT go into your reasons. Just smile and say "isn't the weather lovely today?" and keep repeating it. Walk away if you must.
Do not allow this woman to upset you. You know how she feels about the topic, so stop giving her ammunition for the battle. Don't bring up the topic, it is between you and your husband.
Just be aware... this is only the beginning of your life with this woman. If she is still relentless, then you should tell your future husband that he needs to pull his mom aside and have a conversation with her. If he won't stand up for you, then I recommend that you proceed with caution!
Good luck and keep us posted!
I thought I wouldn't have anymore children, after my second 4 years ago... and here I am at 30, pregnant.
You are young and have PLENTY of time to change your minds or not. You do NOT however, have to give her excuses or explanations on your family planning. Just don't talk about the subject with her. She brings it up, walk away. Literally, leave the room, if she follows you, leave the house. Firmly, but calmly ask her to respect your decisions and privacy, and tell her you do not want this to subject to ruin your relationship with her, but it will if she continues to harp on you. Your fiance needs to talk to his mother and put a leash on her mouth and request that he respects his future wife. You need to set the boundaries now, b/c it will get much worse... especially if you DO have her grandbaby, she is likely going to nit pik everything you do. So nip this behavior in the bud now.
Don't engage with her. Your reasons for having or not having children are none of her business. When she works up a head of steam about wanting grandkids, just nod and say uh huh and I hear you and that would be nice, wouldn't it? Then live your life. If she keeps after you, or gives you any other bizarre ultimatums, kindly suggest she speak with her son about it and change the subject. Don't feed the flame with any more reasons, it will only make things worse. Good luck!
This is not her decision, which is sad and unfortunate for her. This is not even her business. I'm not saying this to be dismissive, but it sounds as if something is missing for her and she is attempting to beholden you to fulfill a dream for her. That is not your place.
This is about her. If you'd like to respond kindly and empathetically, you can state that you understand that she really wants grandchildren and leave it at that. What if having another child right now was something you wanted right away and could not have any more? It is not your role to fulfill her fantasy.
It's not your job to make a baby for somebody else. Next several times she brings it up, empathize with her. Try to be understanding about how important this is for her. Then insert the gentle connector "and," which puts your response on the same level of importance with hers. Finish with your position, or simply the phrase, "…that does not work for me." Use a relaxed and friendly voice, even if you are feeling shaky.
So, altogether it might sound like, "Sue, having grandchildren is a long-time dream of yours. I hear how important that feels for you. And it's not for me. That discussion is off the table. We'll let you know first if our plans ever change."
When using this approach, avoid the temptation to make excuses or sound apologetic. If she whines or wheedles, repeat the same basic information again, don't get drawn in emotionally. Keep your voice gentle and friendly, but matter-of-fact. I have found this approach to be effective.
#1 - You can't change her. Obviously, her ranting drove her son to the place he is now regarding not wanting children. You are definitely insightful to see her own longing and loss mixed up in all of this wishful ranting. Let her be. How sad that she has chosen this fantasy as the one item missing in her own life to make it all complete. But she needs your uterus to complete it.
#2 - Be as sweet as pie and lie through your teeth. Just tell her you both want children too one day and you'll be trying and it's all in the good Lord's hands and His timing and you don't want to hear another word from her about the topic. There's enough pressure and stress adjusting to an instant family, yada, yada...and we don't need you too..so you better call before you come over. I love Lesley's 2nd paragraph....what is she going to do , steal your birth control? Poke holes in condoms? Just make sure to hide your birth control so that she doesn't ever catch on.
#3 If you were to go to your family doctor about wanting to become pregnant, they would tell you to try naturally for at least 1 year before they would consider any type of fertility testing. Largely due to your young age. So if she does pester you, that line will buy you at least a year. But honestly, even though there are lots of moms telling your husband to step up to the plate on this one...it sounds like he has tried and is just plain tired of the topic as well. You MIL is going to drive people away if she continues on with this broken record message.
And finally, there are many people who honest to goodness don't get that they are being a pest until they are directly told so to their face. She sounds like this type. I know at 23 it sounds awfully hard, but this isprobably the route your will inevitably have to take with her. You will have to kindly and firmly look her in the eye and tell her...we too want children one day....when it's right for us, not for you.
And like many other moms here, I had my last baby at the ripe age of 41+ . We are fertile for a very long time. Enjoy your new marriage and your new family.
In my opinion, this is a battle your fiance needs to be fighting - not you! If she starts in on you, then just brush her off with a vauge non-committal response - "oh, who knows what will happen in the next 20 years" or something like that. Because really, you *don't* know what will happen in the next 20 years, right?
And I'm sorry, but she won't "allow" you two to wait? What, is she going to hide your birth control or poke holes in your condoms??? What makes her think she has ANY say in this aspect of your lives whatsoever?!
If she starts on a 'I want grandchildren' rant, then just leave the room. Just go to the bathroom and do some deep breathing....or go get a glass of wine :)
Seriously though, you're 2 years younger than I was when I had my first! There is SO much time to have kids. So unless she's pushing 90, your fiance needs to tell her to back the eff off!
Just tell her that you understand her feelings on the matter, when and if you are expecting, she'll be the first to know, until then, you don't want to talk about it further, thank you. Then, with a wink, and a smile, say, "so, how about those yankees," or some other innocuous topic that you feel is appropriate.
First off, I can understand her point of view...however, it's none of her business and your fiance' needs to step up and tell her to back off. It's not her decision.
Oh honey you're signing up for a world of dysfunction. You need to set some boundaries, pronto. Better yet, get your fiance to set the boundaries, as he should. Your reproductive plans are no one's business but your own. Someone (your fiance if he's got any spine) needs to plainly say that this discussion is inappropriate and over. Neither one of you will discuss plans for your future family with her, period. And if she's not willing to find a new topic of discussion, there is nothing to discuss and she can call you when she has something else to day. Then stick to your guns. If she brings it up in person, excuse yourself and walk away. If she does it on the phone, say "I have to go now" and hang up.
FWIW I think it's pretty sh*tty that she wouldn't consider your son her grandchild. That's just petty. My IL's treat my oldest son like their grandson/great-grandson/nephew just like my family considers my step-daughter 100% their grandchild/niece/cousin as well. Neither child is treated by the extended family any differently than the biological children are.
All that said, your age (you're so young!) and the fact that you and your fiance have no idea regarding whether or not you want more children raises huge red flags. Tread very carefully moving forward. There are so many moms here who post every day agonizing over whether or not to have more children. Don't set yourself up for that agony. There is a great book called "The Big Questions" that couples should discuss before considering marriage. Take look at it and discuss the questions with your fiance to see if there are any other giant gray areas or indicators of boundary issues in your future. Best of luck to you!
You are still very young, so I can see how she could intimidate you. Just because someone asks you something, you don't have to answer. Obviously she doesn't respect your position, so don't discuss it with her. Your fiance is the one who needs to put a stop to this.
It will be hard to stand your ground. Do you have a friend that you could role play with? She could play the part of your MIL badgering you. You could practice your responses. One might be "We have already discussed this." Then change the subject. Redirect the conversation as many times as you have to.
Unfortunately for her, she doesn't have any say.....period. A baby is a huge decision that needs to be made between you and your husband ONLY. You have a lot of things going on and a lot of plans you are making in which a new baby may not calculate into at this time. Be sweet to her, but if she pushes too hard you say "I'm not having a baby for YOU, ever". Then tell her if plans look as if a baby will be included she will be the first to know. Good luck!
How does your fiance deal with his mom? His behavior in this situation and others should tell you what is in store for your future. Can you live with this future? Make sure because he is not going to change just because he marries you. What you see is what you get, and if you can't live with it now, think about how your son will feel if you bring him into your life, and then kick him out. Your future husband comes with a family...you are marrying them too!
I would avoid this topic entirely. At 23, you are really young to be making this decision and frankly it's none of her business. At 23 you are just starting your life. You may feel differently 5 years from now, but for now this shouldn't be a topic of conversation at all in her presence.
If she brings it up, let her know that you are focusing on planning a wedding and building your family life together right now and leave it at that. Some pepole are so rude!
stick to what you believe. Enjoy your son, and do what you think is best for you and your new family. She will have to get over it. :)
The thing to think about is that you 2 aren't even married yet and your future MIL is already at the helm. After you get married there may be a greater possibility that your future husband will cave into his mum's wishes. Just letting you know, so you can prepare or call it off if you feel you won't be able to handle it. Make sure he definately wants to wait and exactly how long he's willing to wait. This is very important, because nagging like this can make a marriage very rocky. I know, I went through it. You might want to ask her why she's in such a hurry to become a grandmother and that she needs to realize the child you already have will be her grandson through marriage. When you get married, the 2 families are supposed to become 1 family and not separate entities.
She sounds bossy and controlling. How does she treat your son? Can your fiance sit her down and have a heart to heart talk? You can avoid her as much as possible and ignore these rants. Hopefully, your fiance is behind you 100%. If he isn't, then I would reconsider marrying him. Also, I would explain to her that you are 23 which is very young, and right now is you want to live your dreams. Maybe in 8-10 years when you have your nice little farm life, you will change your mind and have more kids. By the way, here's something positive to keep in mind about being a young parent. When you are 40 years old, your son will be 20. It's great to have kids when you are young because you have more time to enjoy them and energy to keep up with them.:)
you have to ignore her its your life and your choice personally I with you one is enought i have two great but tough he should tell is mother to mind her own business take on your son as her grandchild and be happy
Simple talk to your fiance and have him talk to his mother. Bottom line it is your and your fiance's life not hers and she needs to butt the heck out. If she continues to say stuff change the subject or make an excuse to leave, or better yet tell her this is between you and her son and you will not discuss it with her anymore, eventually she will get the hint.
You really should not allow your soon to be mother in law dictate on how you and your fiance live your lives. All this is between you and your fiance. Granted it is very sweet of you to talk to her about this, but ultimately it is yours and your finace's decision. I'm a little confused about the issue of your mother in law 'iffy', or I should say "not so iffy" about grandchildren. This tells me that she doesn't want grandchildren. But further down in your question, it appears that she 'does' want grandchildren? I think I'm missing something here. I'm sorry.
Anyway, despite on what your soon to be mother in law wants, the decision is yours and your fiance's and she is just going to have to buck up and either accept it, or it could cause some problems later on. You don't have to prove yourself or explain yourself to no one. You and your fiance live your life with your son, and whatever problem she has with it, let it be 'her problem'. You be happy, and make your little family happy. :-D
Please talk to your fiance about how his mother is making you feel. This is his mother and HE needs to make her stop immediately. If he is not willing to stick up for you and make her stop torturing you with this you need to think long and hard about your relationship! In the long run, this has nothing to do with having a baby. This is only one of MANY things that will come up during your marriage. In-laws that butt in where they don't belong are a nightmare and if you and your fiance are not on the same page it can cause long term problems in your marriage. You need to be sure BEFORE you get married that YOU come first, not his mother!!! HE needs to make this stop NOW!!!! and if he can't or won't that is a problem.
