Not Sure About Having Another Baby

J.,I was in exactly the same place as you six years ago. I had two sons and really wanted a daughter, but we were just starting to travel and have fun again after all the baby years. We decided to go for it. Well, my third is so funny and is definately the sweetest of the three boys (I did not get my daughter) but I can say that had I known the amount of work it was I would NOT have done it. My house is NEVER quiet. There is always some argument going on, if not my youngest yelling to be heard over the older two, they are yelling at him to get out of their rooms or to stop touching their stuff. My two older ones got along great until the third changed the dynamic of the family. My husband and I are out numbered and neither of us has the temperment for that much chaos and mess. Three is DOUBLE the work of two.

Don't believe the others whent hey say it's just throwing another into the mix. We are talking quality of life here. We HAVE to drive an SUV, and I am an enviromentalist! Finding a sitter? Good luck finding anyone to watch three kids for under $10 per hour! Vacations? Did you know that hotels do not or cannot give you a room for five people? You have to book (and Pay for) two rooms and they cannot guarantee adjoining rooms! The worst part of it is this. We can't, in this day and age, just send our kids outside to play and tell them to come home when the street lights come on. I have to help my sixth grader with algebra, my fourth grader with his state report, and keep and eye on my five-year-old who wants to play outside, all the while making dinner to be ready by 6:30! I am SO stressed every single day of my life that there is hardly anything left for my husband when he gets home. I WANT to be the mom who helps her kids with homework. I don't want a nanny raising my kids and I want my boys to see thier mom happy and fulfilled. Well, I put on a brave face. And my boys are good too and smart! They are not hyper, ADD or troublemakers. They are just normal boys, but what if they weren't? I would really lose my mind. You said you are very sprirtual, peaceful and calm. I do not know ONE mother with more than two kids who can describe herself that way. There are only moments of peace in between the chaos. Besides, you already have one girl and one boy. Why upset the balance. There is one child for each of you. They get alone time with a parent almost whenever they want. We take turns taking one out by himself so he gets that alone time, but it is less than once a week for each of them.

A couple of examples to make my point...I used to volunteer in my oldest's class when he was in K and 1st until my third was born. Then, I could never volunteer in my middle son's class because I didn't have regular care for my baby. He just finished fourth and STILL asks why I never work in his class. My little on starts K in Sept so I can do it now, but he remembers that I didn't do it when he was littler and wanted me more. Definately "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" syndrome. And he is right! Everything is about the oldest who does everything first, or the youngest who has to stay behind. You would have a different situation because you will have two of one sex and one always being the odd man out.

Another example...both my older boys wanted to play soccer when my baby was 1 1/2. They had practice at the same time at two different schools 12 minutes apart. I had to drop one off five minutes early and wait for someone else to come watch him, and then speed to the other school to drop the other one five minutes late. I couldn't let the baby out of the car to play for the 20 minutes in between because he would scream and fight with me to get back in his car seat. Thank God for DVD players in the SUV! Then I would have to race back to school A to pickuup the first and race back to school B to get the second, then drive home. My heart is racing just reliving this nightmare!Every Tues and Thurs my baby lived in the car for 2 1/2 hours and I gained 8 pounds from the stress. My husband tried to help, but he couldn't pick them up everyday cuz he owns his own business and most people want to see him after they get home from work. I kept thinking, "Ok, next year they can be on the same team." But your two will never be on the same team for anything! Then, my boys told me they didn't want to play soccer anymore. Whew! But then came football...

And to the mom who wrote about other moms having regret? I live with the regret and sadness of not having a daughter everyday. But I would not make the mistake of taking even more time away from my children and husband to fulfill that desire of mine. That would ultimately be selfish of me. A whole family should benefit by the birth of another child. My youngest is a doll, but I wouldn't say he changed our lives for the better.

Anyway, J., I just wanted to give you the advice I wish someone had given me. We just don't have enough hours in the day to give our kids the attention they really crave as it is. Adding one more to the mix cuts that time down considerably as it does the peace that you seem to cherish in your home. You have the perfect family already. Don't mess with that by taking this chance. Good luck!

Hi J.,
Your question is full of sincerity, soulfulness. I feel compelled to respond although I am not in your shoes, have no children. For what it may be worth,I have worked with children for 16+ years and am studying to be a child psychologist. Much of my professional life has been working with
ecology (study of the home) and outdoor education with elementary kids. When I read
The Celestine Prophecy by Redfield I was impressed with his perspective of having two children per family. I distinguish between kids and children, kids are human beings, children are kids connected into a family. There are far too many kids without family
connection. Redfield remarked that having two children allows those children to be well cared for because there is a 1 to 1 ratio in the family. Of great interest to me and perhaps it fits for you is the idea of giving children every opportunity for soul development. With that time you would devote to a third child, you would find more time to devote to the development of your children's relationship to Mother Earth, develop their own rich, inner life, develop their relationship to one another and to develop their relationship with you both, their parents. I think you are an awesome person and may you and your family sit happy with what decision you come to.
In lovingkindness, C.

well u should talk to the kids and ask them what they think about having another baby around and talk to them and let them know that its the right thing to do

Hi there!

I was just like you before we had our 4th. In one way I was so glad to have lost a bit of weight, started some hobbies of my own, was able to shower daily because the youngest was sort of independent. But then a part of me wanted to have one more - our family seemed to be missing one piece.

So we got a second dog. He is totally awesome but he did not fill the void. Then I started talking about this with older Moms. Moms that had 2 or 3 grown kids. I was really surprised that there where quite a few that had wanted to have more children but decided for various reasons not to go for it. Money, age, his wishes...I found these Moms in a state of everlasting regret. Some with slight anger towards their partners because they blame them for not having been more supportive... That was so sad to me! That was all I needed to know. And we went for it.

I am sooo glad we did! I would not change a thing! Yes it added 2 years and 9 months of sharing my body with the new one, and I had to put off some of my hobbies and "stuff I wanna do for myself" But My littlest one is so sweet and it made our family complete. I was surprized to find that I have no more wishes to have more babies, I still hang all over then if I get a chance but the aching feeling of "must have one of my own" is gone. This is very freeing. It feels like I am closing a chapter of my life.
My older children adore having the little one. I have a whole crew here! it is so much chaos and so much fun!

I am not saying it is easy, there were times during the last 2 years were I was so tired it hurt, were the chaos reigned and I was shouting at my children all day but with every day things were getting easier. Now that the little one is 2 the sun is shining all the time! And I m so happy about my decision!

I'd say, if there is any doubt in your mind that you still want one more - please go for it!! Or make SURE it is your heart that says that you are good where you are...

good luck!
I wish for you make the right decision and be happy with it forever!!!

:)
-C.

I have two children, but I have several friends who said when they had their third child, it was so much more work than they thought it would be. They all love their third, of course, and so would you, but just be prepared that it will be a lot more work. Every single one of them said it was tons more work going from two to three kids than it was going from one to two kids. Probably because you and your hubby will be outnumbered! Good luck with your decision!

I would say to talk with your husband about it. Really talk and weigh out all the pros and cons for yourselves as a couple. (Financial/mental/physical, etc.) I always wanted more kids, but my husband and I just had one together and also raised my stepdaughter together. I was 39 when I had my son, so the age factor was a big consideration for me.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

J.

Three will totally change the dynamic of the household and couldn't imagine having three that close together. I too always wanted three kids had a daughter and three years later had a son then my dad got sick and we brought him into our home to care for him and even though I still wanted another baby decided it would be too much well one day 9 years later I became pregnant I was super excited & sad because I realized my dad would not be with us much longer (I always told God I couldn't do both) so my third was born in Jan 03 and my dad passed away in October 03 I now have three kids 18, 15 & 6 I wouldn't change a thing and wonder how moms have 3 so close together. It is a lot of work but also worth it. My advise would be pray about it and then rest assured the right thing will happen. Good luck

I have 3 kids. of course we all love our kids, but 2 would be easier. Vacations, car, cost....everything in america seems to be designed for the 4 person family. Plus, the interests of the oldest vs. youngest is hard. Amusement park rides, movies, food etc....there is lots to consider, plus, it isn't just diapers, it's stroller, highchair, toys, clothes, babyswing, infant carriers, carseats. and you are now out numbered, no more 1 on 1 time.

Hi J. :)

I was in the place you are in, 28 years ago, except that the third child was on the way, when I started thinking about the diapers, and stuff. Too late to change my mind. I'm glad. Our family would not have been complete without that son, and his two brothers who followed him! It took some extra work, and it was a while before we were back to that stage of "freedom from diapers" but I would never change having that third child, nor the next 2! If you always wanted 3, have 3 before it is too late to decide. I firmly believe that if you are to have that next child, it will happen if you let it. If not, no matter how much you allow, it won't.

Good luck, enjoy your children, but go ahead, try for another one!

A.

Hey J.,

After having my second baby I was DONE. Didn't think I could possible handle another baby. I had two girls 4 and 1 almost 2. I remember telling my Mom, "Gods know that I can't handle another one, he would'nt do that to me" Well one month after saying that I was prego. It was rough. Not alot of money. Single income family. The third child does seem to cost more. We had to move to a bigger place, had to buy a bigger car. But we made it work. One of my BIG issues was the "middle child syndrome". I could see the change in her right away. Now they are 15, 12 & 10. I'm driving to 3 different schools every day drop off, pick up. Did it last year and will do it again this year. Then it's only 2 schools. They all play softball,you do get the 3 child discount:). Part of the year they will have games in 2 or 3 different places. Friends and family do help out but, it's hard to not be there. Now that your boys are older and you & hubby have more freedom it is hard when that changes. Bottom line if you have another one you are going to love him or her and wouldn't want to change a thing. But things will change. If you pray then deffinitley pray on this one:)

God bless and good luck,
Amber

Hi, J.,

Your life sounds pretty good right now!

I am 43 and have two sons, one who just turned three and another who is almost two. I am up after midnight trying to clean urine out of a sofa my elder son peed on while awake. (He still has not mastered potty training.) For financial, physical, emotional, and ecological reasons, my husband and I are stopping at two, even though I would have liked to have had a daughter.

Would you consider adopting or fostering a child? I would if I had the room and the energy.

Some of my relatives and friends who have had more than two children have told me that there lifestyle changed noticeably when they went from two-children families to three-children families.

Good luck in deciding what to do.

Lynne E

I am 50. My kids are 18 and 16, a boy and a girl. When I was in your shoes I think I made a mistake that is too late to fix now. My son is going away to college in the fall and my daughter going away to college next year. But I still have the mom/nurture craving, and a puppy is not enough, and grandkids are a long way off. I wish I had a third child.

Hi J.,

I know what a struggle deciding about more children can be. The good news is that it sounds as if you and your husband are on the same page and are able to work together on this, and so you have the choice. (unlike me who is not currently allowed a second baby, says my partner!)

I only have one so cannot typically relate, however what I do think is that if you wanted to have another baby, deep in your heart, you would just know. Sometimes I think you tend to go along with a plan you always assumed would happen, without stopping to re evaluate if its still what you want. If it means the quality of life for your kids might change for the worse in any way, is that what you want?

I think if your not sure and then found yourself pregnant you might have a moment of clarity and suddenly realise it wasnt what you wanted after all, so I wouldn't come off contraception until you have made a planned decision between you and your partner. You can always make a baby, but you cannot un make one!

Every baby is a blessing, and I personally would have 20 but you have a boy, you have a girl. Theres nothing obviously missing. Unless you can look into the future and feel confident you would regret stopping at 2, I would have a serious look at what you want from your life here on it.

Good luck, I hope whatever your decision you feel confident its the right one :)

HI, J.!
If you are a healer, and you work on that level with people, it sounds like you are highly attuned to your power within. Perhaps you can do some meditation and chakra work, and see where that leads you! From my objective viewpoint, it seems that you have already made your decision. Go with your intuition! God will not steer you wrong! Namaste!
And with great love,

Katharine Kremp
Valley Village
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PS. I would love to have you do a healing session with me -- I have been going through some tough times, recently, and I could sure use a healing hand! I love crystals, and respond to them immensely, as well! I am a hairstylist in film and television, and consider myself a healer, as well -- perhaps we could trade! Let me know.

Hi J. - I think that the first thing you should ask yourself... Will you have any regrets IF you decide to not have any more kids? I just went through the same issue. I am 36 and have two awsome boys. My littlest one just turned 4 two weeks ago and my older one will be 6 in Oct. I told myself that I would give it to the end of this year to try agian for a third and if nothing happned than I could at least say, "I Tried" and have no regrets. We too are so comfortable right now that the thought of slepless nights, diapers, and bottles makes us cringe. However, I always have said that all these things are just a "hump' in the road and within a few years we will be right back at this "comfortable" stage. My kids are aware that we would like to try to have another baby and they are both excited at the idea. I think that as little as they are that they would welcome any interaction they could with their sibling even if it ment helping mommy out. In any case, I wish you the best of luck on such a hard decision.

We met with a urologist re: a vasectomy 2 weeks after #2 was born. I was SURE I didn't want anymore babies. Since he was 85% sure, he didn't have a vas done. Well, when #2 as almost 14 months old and I was still breastfeeding, we ended up pregnant again. We weren't trying and we weren't preventing - since now I had swayed his way and we were both thinking another might be a good idea. I swear the first time we were intimate after we had decided to stop preventing, we were pregnant with #3. And if you can believe this, we are on the fence with getting pregnant with #4...so it can't be that bad!

#1: Boy and 3.5 years older than #2
#2: Boy and 22 months older than #3
#3: Girl

Pros:
1. They get along SO well. They all play together, which affords us a little more time to get things done in the middle of watching them.

2. So much more love in the house. It really is awesome.

3. Once we die, they will have more than just each other to lean on and love. God-forbid one of them pass early on, then they are alone in this world.

Cons:
1. Car seat hell when traveling, but we finally figured it out.

2. You are clearly out-numbered. Anyone who tells you it is no harder than 2, either gave up on disclipine and giving quality time or they are lying. ;)

3. Time for spontaneous sex is far and few between. You have to put a LOT more work in to keep the marriage fresh.

So, having said this...my husband and I work together and we only work 2.5 days each week, so we have 4 days of uninterrupted time with the kids. We also homeschool, so there is no dropping the kids off at school and getting some down time. Don't get me wrong, we love watching them learn and we don't get to miss a moment, but there are days that it's a LOT. It goes fast. Our son is almost 7, our other son is 3 and our daughter is 15 months. Some moments are crazy, but they are all totally worth it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I am so where you are! I am turning 35 this November. I have 2 kids, my son is almost 4 (July 30th) and my daughter is almost 2. We too were going to stop, and just recently (this week) decided to try for another. I don't know about you but I was getting the now or never feeling, and we decided to go for it. I have a friend that has 3, and she says while it is chaotic at times she would never go back to 2. Like you I always wanted 3 too. I say if you think you're up for it, go for it. Our kids are such a joy, I can't imagine having have decided not to have one of them. Many blessings and much love to your family and your decision.

Hi, J.. From the summary you shared, it sounds like maybe leaving things be might be the best choice. I know you and your husband initally planned on three but life teaches us things and we can change our minds about what is best for all parties involved. It seems what you have now is working and unless you are yearning for another child, why shake that up. I suppose that is the first question that comes to my mind. Why have a third. Unless I misread or misinterpreted, it sounds like the primary reason is b/c that is what you and your husband initially planned. I would ask myself why do I want another baby? Actually, do I really want a third child. I'm biased because it sounds like you have a lovely life and starting with a new baby changes EVERYTHING. I wish you the very best in your soul searching. Thank you for allowing me the privilege to comment. Kind regards, L. M. P.S. I hope this is not out of line. If so please forgive me as I know this is intended to be about you and your soul search, but I have to ask. I suffer from cervical and lumbar spine disease and have three children. My daaughter is 22 and does not live with us but my 13-yr-old has Autism, ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder and my 10-yr-old suffers from Major Depressive Disorder and severe ADD. My income since March-09 to July-09 has gone down from $5,000 to $1,500> There is more, but the bottom line is I used to be pretty involved in the type of healing you do and I am wondering if you would be willing to work with me a little to help me gain strength and get more centered again. Oh, I also spent 4 days in the hospital with pneumonia last week. I believe in the power our bodies have but I also believe that our bodies need additional support when bombarded with so much.

So I have 3 boys oldest is 3 middle is almost 2 and youngest is 4 mos. I have to say so far it is harder some days but for the most part it is better than when we had 2 I don't feel guilty when nursing or rocking the baby to sleep the older two play with each other and I don't feel like they are not getting the attention they deserve. I love my family of three. I noticed a posting about women regretting never having another I think that would be a horrible regret.

We just had our third son when our first two boys were 3 and 5 and it has been the BEST!! Soooo much easier than with the first two since they were both older when he was born and no one was in diapers, etc. The third guy has really added to our family and yes, it is tiring, but so is two kids! They are 6, 4 and 15 mos now and we enjoy them more and more each day. I was 40, almost 41 when this third guy was born. Everyone healthy, easy, and I highly recommend it!

Hi J. W...
I have a 7 year old Boy and a 2 year Girl, I had a lot of issues with blood clots and still have mini strokes to this day because of my pregnancies. That said, my doctor fixed me at my last c section. Lately my husband and I really want another one, I miss having a baby in the house. Sometimes I think, okay if we get it reversed and we have a 3rd will I have that feeling again when the 3rd baby is two and want a fourth just to have a baby in the house again, who knows. Maybe sit down with your hubby and look through baby photos of your two kids now and see what feelings come up as you look through the pics. Good Luck with whatever you choose.

HI J.,

Well our child #3 was a bonus....because there were 8 years between her birth and child #2. I just didn't think I was going to get pregnant again after all that time. The older kids never had any problems with the new baby, because they were older. When my youngest was 1 her sister was 9 and brother was 13. I did have a hard time with the demands of having an infant- but I always had difficulties with that. (The not sleeping- being responsible for the kids/household and working a demanding part time job and having a husband who was into his work and his own interests so much was always hard). I was 39 when our youngest was born. Although it was hard those first months, I have never regretted having the three of them. The youngest has been a big blessing in my life, and continues to be a joy at age 16. I have now been a single mother for 12 years.

Hi Jen. It's amazing how yours sound just like mine. I was 35 when I had my 3rd child who is now 3. My oldest was 6 and the 2nd one was 4 when I got pregnant with our third and last. I was also wondering the same thing about the big gap in between. However looking back, its a great experience for the whole family. My 2 older kids are just adoring their 3-yr old now. Sometimes they get so protective of him and don't want anyone including their mom or dad upset him. But I'm telling you, they are very helpful with him and I see that my youngest is acting more mature than they were at that age because he's hanging around them all the time and learning fast from them and they are being so patient with him. I hope this helps and good luck to you.

When I found out I was pregnant with my third, I was worried that there wouldn't be enough of me or my husband to go around. What I forgot is that there were 4 people in our family to love and nurture a baby. No, my older kids weren't 'little mommies'. I'm just saying, that if there's a will, there's a way... and the love grows exponentially with each child brought into the family.

All the best to you however you choose!

J.,
Been there, done that! We did have a 3rd child and I am so glad we did. I felt like I needed to decided and we felt the same way you do. Things had just gotten easier, traveling, going out and even just staying home. So, we decided we were done. I felt better and then a month later I changed my mind. It took longer than anticipated to conceive the 3rd child. My older two were 5 and 7 when he was born. We had a rocky start too. My first two were the easiest, calmest babies and my last was colicky and difficult.
Here I am 8 years later and I am so grateful we went for the third child. My older two are 15 and 13 ( boy and girl respectively) and I still have someone to hug and snuggle who doesn't think I am clueless. He has taught my older children patience and I believe they are more nurturing people because of the experience.
I am a stay at home mom and proud to be a mother of three!