We are very very close with our next door neighbors. I love their kiddos, they love mine. They have an 18 year old girl that just graduated from High school.
As a gift to their youngest kiddo, they went off camping this morning. The 18 year old stayed home because of work. She is normally a great kid. She works alot and is your typical ''Teen''...
Here is the problem....Parents are outta town and she is having a Party. I know mom and dad would not fly with this. They are strict as can be about this stuff. I am also VERY VERY close though with the girl. I would trust her with my life if it came too it.
Do I tell mom and dad? I know they would be flying off the handle. I dont want to start drama...but they DO ask us to keep an eye on the house. They are not being overly loud. I just thought I would add that, so the possibility off cops being call is minimum. I dont know that they are drinking under age either...so I am stuck with a tough call..Who do I betray???
I am trying to fine that line between being a good ''MOM'' and some ones buddy. Oh this sucks:(
So, I went to make myself known to her. Saw I had a text message from her. She was letting me know she was having a party. I texted her back asking if the was booze. She said no. I asked if mom and dad knew about it. She said no. I told her she HAD to keep the noise down and no cops. I thanked her for being comfortable enough to tell me what was happening before hand. I think I owe it to her to let her be responsible. She was telling me because she knew I would be over there the minute things got even sort of loud. If she is not given her own space to screw up.....she may do something worse later on down the road. She is a good kid and I remember what it was like being 18. I was doing this at her age too. And I actually dont remember mom and dad asking to ''Watch'' her so much as watch the house. So, I hope I am making the right call on this one. If not I know how to handle it different next time. I am also going to have a talk with her on how this puts me in a really tight spot and it is not fair to stick me there....I think that is a petty true statement.
I would walk over there and talk to her. Kinda be the mom and tell her ppl have to leave and you are torn whether to tell her parents or not.
Just because if someone leaves, drunk...it will come back on the parents whether they are there or not.
Tough situation.
OOH man - what a spot to be in....
I would go knock on the door and find out if everything is okay....
then when the parents got home - I would talk to them about what you witnessed - not to be a tattle tale but to let them know what happened....
I'd tell her to stop the party, and give her a chance to do the right thing before telling her parents.
"Hey _________, how's it going? I'm just stopping by because I told your folks I would keep an eye on things while they were gone. So, I want to quickly check in with you, and make sure you are being responsible, and that your parents okay'd this, just so that I can be respectful of your parent's request."
Hopefully, she IS having a responsible and okay'd party.
If not, you could give her the option of telling her parents herself.
Good luck, I was in a situation a lot like this recently.
IF you werent home you would never know this was happening. Might be best to turn a blind eye if your neighbor didnt specifially tell you this time to keep an eye on their kid. If it appears things might be getting out of hand, might be a good idea to call the daughter and ask her "whats up over there?"....
Why do you feel like you would be betraying her? Especially if you are considering the possibility of underage drinking...she is putting herself and her parents at risk. There should be no mixed feelings here, IMO.
Since you are that close to her you should be able to discern from what she is telling you if this is just a little get together among girlfriends or if this is truly an all out party in which the chance of underage drinking is very good.
I think that your loyalty should not lie with her, but really with her parents. They trusted you to keep an eye on their home and you agreed. Parent to parent, you owe it to them to report anything that may place their daughter or property at risk. It really is for everyone's benefit, even if the 18 year old gets upset. This is a safety issue, and the 18 year old, as great as she seems, is not mature enough to fully grasp all the risks of hosting a party behind her parents' back.
In an auntie-knows-best sort of way, I would have a serious talk with your friend. Ask her directly the details about who will be invited and if there will be alcohol or drugs. Also, inform her that since she is 18 (and not a minor) she will be held acountable for her guests. And, since she is choosing to host this event at her parents' home, then her parents will also be held liable. This could mean lawsuits that could cost her parents thousands if a guest is harmed on the property, depending on the situation.
Finally, I would let her know that you will be informing her parents about this, to make sure that they are aware (and keep in mind it is possible they already know about this, or maybe allowed a get together but not necessarily a party). It is fine if she feels "betrayed." Explain to her that this is about safety and not about ratting out a friend, but expect that she will not be able to understand this so she may be angry at you. And that's OK -- you are thinking like a parent now, not like a bestie.
Go check on the party and make sure there is no drinking or drugs if there is take her aside and explain that her parents, even though they are not there could get into trouble.
If she doesn't stop talk to Mom and Dad when they home. You are not betraying her, if she is breaking the rules she is betraying her parents trust.
You are in authority because they ASKED you to keep and eye out.
I would drop in and make sure you make you presence known and let her have the option of telling her parent before you do. Also, she might have approval got the select list of guests, i would suggest you make the assumption when you visit that she is doing this with mom and dad's blessing. Her parents M. have said it is ok to have a few friends over not realizing that it meant late night friends...
Since she is 18 and you have a good relationship with her, go to her and have an adult conversation. Let her know that you know about the party and you are concerned for her safety and that of the other kids involved. let her know that next time you will stop by and check things out...since you were asked to by parents, and if there is underage drinking you will have to report that to her parents. If there is none, have a nice time.
Good Luck with this one. I would maybe just pop my head in a give the girl a little "warning signal" to let her know you know. Peek your head in and see if there is any drinking. If no drinking, then I might mention it to the mom and say that you did look in on them and it seemed harmless. However, if there is drinking and you didn't intervene and something happened to one of the kids, you would have a hard time living with the guilt.
Do not tell her mother! Were you asked to keep an eye on the daughter? If so, maybe. If not, def no. IMO, they left an 18yo home alone, of course she has friends over for a party. How many did you go to? I went to many. Thank goodness noone's neighbor ever called my mom, I would have been done. I was a good kid, and it sounds like she is to. Let her deal with the fallout herself. She may get caught anyways, we often did. You may be her trusted adult outside of the family, someone she can come to for advice. By telling on her, you will ruin that for both of you. If you would trust her with your life, you should let this run its natural course.
I wouldnt tell on her, but if her parents ask I would just tell them she did have people over. Just explain to her that you cannot lie to her parents because they are your friends and you want them to trust you. Shes at fault, not you. Like I said, I wouldnt bring it up, but you know the parents will probably ask, so shes probably busted. Im sure they are going to notice she had a party.
When my SIL was younger, she always asked me to lie for her. I told her, I wont tell on you, but if your mom asks, you know I cannot lie to her. She understood.
I agree with Kiki. However, if you see there is evidence of underage drinking, the parents NEED to know. They could be held liable for anything that happens at their home, and they need to know of that going on. They need to deal with this problem, before their daughter makes more serious bad decisions. (Drinking and driving, accepting drinks from strangers, etc.)
I VERY seriously doubt there isn't drinking on, but I'm not all that far from high school. I'm not sure there is such thing as a party without alcohol, at that age. It's a sad fact. Go give her a chance to stop the party, and you really must tell them about alcohol. If you see any bottles, out of it teenagers, or red cups...you know.
P.S. Doesn't being a good mom always override being someone's buddy?
I guess I am chiming in a little too late on thios one...but when I was in high school my parents went away and I had a party. Oh how I wish now that some neighbor would have called the police or my parents. The trouble I would have been in would have been so much better than living with the consequences of what happened to me that night....I got drunk, and I was raped. Okay 18 may be considered legally an adult, but thats her parents home and no matter how responsible she might be, it's very easy for things or other people to get out of control very quickly. I hope everything turned out ok. I agree with what YoMama said.
Is it possible that her parents gave permission for her to have a couple of friends over? If I were close to the family as you describe I'd just go over and check it out. If it's a "party" with the chance of getting out of control, I'd tell the girl that she knows her parents wouldn't approve and she needs to send her friends home. If there is alcohol, then it's definitely stop the party.
Sounds like you're assuming the worst. How do you know it's a party and not just friends visiting? I allowed my 18 yo daughter to have friends over when I was out of the house. If she'd abused the privilege I would've stopped it but she never did. How else am I going to know if I can trust her. After all, she is 18 and has a responsible job. Has your friend been untrustworthy in other ways?
As an adult you should not be a teens buddy to the point of overlooking anything that is out of line. If this is a teen party, especially if alcohol is involved, and your friend, the mother, has told you to keep a look out then you need to at the very least check the situation out. And, yes, you do need to tell the mother when she gets home. Would you want your teen daughter to have secrets? so why would you as an adult want to keep secrets?
If you have the teenagers cell number... I would send a text to her mom on the teenagers cell number. Stating, does she know you plan on popping back in within the hour? My guess is the party will clear out quick! And the teenager will never know that the text was bogus, or she may feel you were trying to help her stay on course. I have foundarty that hOwever well intentioned, getting very involved on family issues only gets everyone upset with you. But of course if their is danger of unsafe driving that is where you must take it on the chin and be the party pooper so to speak. Good luck and please litmus know what happens?
I would rather have someone ALIVE to be mad at me than someone dying and carrying that guilt around for the rest of my life. I HIGHLY DOUBT they have designated drivers!
Kids don't do ANYTHING within limits when they THINK they are safe. Being at her house will just give them a false sense of safety.
Ever since I learned the impulse part of the human brain doesn't FULLY DEVELOP until you are around 25 years old scares the hell out of me (and I'd probably add another 5-7 YEARS for males!)
In this age of Facebook, You Tube and Twitter she WILL be found out. Kids have NO FILTER!
Unless the party gets loud and crazy you don't have to say a thing.
Four years ago my next door neighbors daughter age 18 staged a four day party that kept the neighborhood up for two nights.
I told them.
They were upset because she and her friends trashed their extremely well kept and decorated house and until I said something they did not know exactly what had happened.
No dont say anything kids will be kids and they only live once, unless you think there doing anything really bad. Its hard because what if the shoe was on the other foot would you want them to tell you? Wow this is a tough one girl.... I say just act like you never saw anything!!!
Put yourself in the same situation, would you want to know?
I say, call your friend ( the girls mother ) and tell her what is going on. Tell her to call home and to tell the girl that they changed their mind and that they are about 5 minutes away and to unlock the door for them.
And there you go, party over.
Or ~ forget about it and pretend you don't know anything and let it be.
Good luck with this one.
I know your heart is in the right place.
You say you're walking a fine line between being a good mom and someone's buddy. You are not that 18 year old's mom. You just went through hell with a little boy in the hospital so maybe you're in hyper-drive, but it doesn't sound like you were specifically asked to watch over this girl or even over the house this time.
My boss and his wife went out of town and their 19 year old stayed at their house to keep an eye and take care of the dogs. She had two girlfriends come to spend the night and two male friends came to visit for dinner. They were playing music and out in the yard while the dogs were running around.
A neighbor called the cops, said they were drinking and smoking pot. The cops showed up. There was no alcohol in the house, no drugs.
When I got to work Monday morning, the woman STILL hadn't let it go and called the business office because she felt the parents needed to know what was going on, blah, blah, blah.
Oh....my boss's wife called her back when she got home, all right. First she gets a call at 10:30 at night that the cops are searching her house and then the neighbor is bothering their employees two days later.
Not all kids who have friends over are doing anything wrong. The girl I'm talking about had her parents permission to have friends over. They preferred not having the house empty and the dogs being watched over, yet the police were called because it was assumed that surely they were up to no good.
You would trust this girl with your life. She's a good kid. You don't know that they are drinking. If you don't want to start drama, don't.
If you saw a keg being wheeled into the house or something, it might be different.
If the parents come home and the house is trashed, they will find out with no one telling them. The parents will deal with their daughter. Next time you talk to the girl you could say you were a little surprised she had friends over when her parents are so strict about it and wonder if they know.
She'll know YOU know.
You don't have to get in the middle of it.
Just my opinion.
I wouldn't say anything. They are not being troublesome and if they are drinking they are probably getting it from the parents and they will figure it out. Bottles will be less or rearranged or beer is missing. They are underage so where would they get it from anyway? You say that you trust her then you SHOULD trust her. I could see if there were alot of kids, like the house was full and they were tumbling out into the yard. But if they are quiet I would let it go. Kids will be kids. Every kid whose parents went away have parties. Its a part of being a kid. I would let it go.
If the daughter is choosing to do something under her parents roof that she knows they wouldn't approve of that is her choice and she should know the potential consequences. The only people you could betray in this situation are the parents. This is the classic "being a friend to the kids" situation. You want to be liked and "cool" so you make exceptions, when really you are doing them a disservice. Just my two cents.
you prob wouldnt be askin yourself this if it were tomm and you saved a life cause soemones kid drove drunk and killed someone.
