Oh, the Agony...

LOL i think there is alwasy one child tht has a binky and my daughter was 3 and she kept biting it and it kept getting black inside so i showed her the black and she threw it away and that was the end of it. There was the first couple of nights that she kept asking for it and i told her it was in the trash. Don't give it back it only last very little and PLEASE DON'T make him suck him thumb he needs to sooth himself and not another habit.
good luck
T.

This is a great post! Just an FYI, the sucking reflex stays with most kids until age 4 or 5. Teeth aren't an issue until preschool age, and even then no guarantee he won't need braces! :) Info from the AAP. good luck! :)

You are in excellent company! We did the same kind of talking with you daughter -- she is very inquisitive and aware and has never been bothered about the stigma of being a preschooler who uses a binky. The binky fairy worked a bit for us, but a first visit to the dentist was what it took and it wasn't pretty. She actually loved going to see the dentist after having memorized the Berenstein Bear's Visit to the Dentist. The visit was low key, they just had her sit up on the big chair, the dentist introduced himself, looked at her teeth and the very first thing he asked was "does she use a binky or her thumb?" He could see immediately that her teeth were being pushed out in a bad way. He said it had to go and then her teeth should correct themselves.

That night was the first time we didn't let her have the binky, but we cuddled with her and were patient with her as she screamed and cried and got really upset and angry. I should also say we are Cry It Out sort of parents -- we lean much more toward the Attachment Parenting side of things, so this was hard. The surprising thing is that it was only hard for 2 or 3 nights at the most. She is clever and has asked a couple of times if she can have the binky after her teeth are better, but she is okay with it now. There were literally only 2 horrible evenings -- she is actually sleeping better at night for the most part. The binky fairy did leave a little present for her with a note that said that she heard that she had gone the whole night without the binky. We are also planning another visit from the binky fairy in a week to celebrate a whole month without the binky! She will be four in July. There are probably many of us, MOPBUs (Moms of Preschool Binky Users), perhaps we can form a secret society? :)

I think that you are an amazing mother and as everyone else has said, please don't be hard on yourself. You and your son will get through this and it will be okay.

I know exactly where you are coming from and all I can do is let you know that you are not alone.

N.

I felt that way about my son's binky (although he was 3 when I took it away) You know what? IT was WAY easier than I thought it was. WAY. He was actually fine with it because I think he was ready. TO be honest I think I needed it more than he did as it was my sure-fire way to calm him down. I think this is your issue also. YOU need it more than him at this point. So...
Today when he wakes up tell him "no more binky" He will probably be a little upset but DO NOT give in. And PLEASE do not teach him to suck his thumb instead. As a PP stated he needs to learn how to sooth himself, by himself. This may take a little while to learn but he will ultimately be so much better off for it.

One more thing..my son's teeth are SERIOUSLY messed up from the binky and we are looking at massive orthodontia bills in the near future. And until we can actually get the braces on, his teeth look kind of funky and I am always afraid that he may get teased for them as he gets older.

LOL! OK first, you are not alone!! My son is almost four and we only just got rid of the binky's a few months ago! We had many binky's to content with and basically at that age they didn't last very long, so as they broke we talked about them being broken and asked him to throw them out and one by one he did!! I think he did miss it a bit and I too heard many stories but really, the sky will not fall, the crops will not fail, if he holds onto it for a little longer!! I do suggest you try and find something else to catch his attention, if he's into helping, perhaps something else he can focus on. Our son still has his bear and when it's time, and he can decide that, it will get relegated to the shelf but until this I love seeing my little guy walk around with his little bear and of course drop it in a heart beat when something else more interesting comes along!! Good luck and remember there are far bigger things to worry about!! A.

Hi, L.:

1. Stop telling him all sorts of things to get him to stop sucking the d..... thing.

2. Let him suck it.

3. Stop crucifying yourself.

4. Love him and let him enjoy his self care.

5. Let me know when he stopped sucking the thing on his own!

Good luck. D.

L.,
I don't have direct experience with delaying the binky thing...it is the O. AND ONLY thing I ever did by the book--LOL. When I have up my "ubbie" I was old enough not only to KNOW my garbage man's name, but to pronounce it when I finally declared (pop) "Give this to Mr. Virgili." LOL
If I were you I would do O. of two things:
1. Leave him alone
2. Rip it off of him like a fast band ad removal. Pick a day and do it and brace for a horrible week.
Your choice!
Don't beat yourself up, we ALL do stuff like that. I gave my son his nighttime bottle for WAY too long, convinced he would die without it. When I did toss it, guess what? He barely flinched, didn't cry, whne, notice or anything...just started using the sippy immediately. Not a blip on his radar. Turns out I was addicted to the nighttime bottle!
Good luck!

I wish my daughter's fingers were a binky so I could take them away! For about a year and a half now-she's 4-we've been telling her to take her fingers out of her mouth all day long every day. She always does. And they go right back in. Her teeth are protruding a little, and a lisp is forming. She definitely soothes with them while snuggling her favorite blanky and her Ratty-favorite stuffed toy. One day, after a long hectic day of errands and visits etc, she said from the back of the car, "Mom, can I go home and smell my blanky and Ratty and suck on my fingers?"

That's SO HER!!!! Her dad has no patience left for it, and always threatens her with the "skunk spray" he'll put on her fingers in the fridge (an old jar of veggie broth) which mortifies me, because what if she ever calls his bluff? It's so not skunk spray! She just takes her fingers right out and cries, "NOOOOO, NOO skunk spray!!!!!" and sobs for a bit. And then soothes herself with her fingers. I get the same result without the crying by just asking her to take them out. UGH! We haven't used discipline, because I really feel she cannot control it. She knows it's not allowed in the daytime, we've now removed blanky and ratty in the daytime since they tend to make her suck her fingers more, but she still gets caught constantly sucking her fingers.

I don't know when she'll outgrow it, but if they were a bink I'd definitely snatch it cold turkey, because as much as she needs them to sooth...she's also totally fine when she's not sucking on them! Like if she's occupied. So I don't really believe the soothing is so much necessary as just a habit.

Ask yourself this, when that rat bastard the Easter Bunny took your binky, did your childhood then take a nose dive? Do you remember being an unhappy child after that? Then by all means! MAKE him keep his binky as long as you can! But if you know he'll be fine in your logical head, then just pick a time and do it. The good news is, if there was a recommended age, it's already gone, so no hurry-it's totally up to you. Good luck, and if you DO it, and then he sucks his thumb, and then you break him of THAT-PLEASE tell me how you did that, because I think my daughter will still be sucking on her fingers!

Hi L.,

I have a 4 and half year old daughter that still uses a pacifier. I have excuses as well. She bites her hands if I don't let her use it. I also had one til I was 3 and it was taken away and it was traumatic. I grew up chewing on things and eventually started smoking. It took me ten years to quit, luckily before I had children. I still have an oral need and wonder if this is genetic. However my son barely uses a pacifier and refused it until he was almost two and now will occasionally suck or chew it before bed. So kids are apparently all different. I did the same thing with both my kids and i have a 4 yo that loves it and a 2 yo that basically just chews it occasionally and I think he has only started this now because he sees his sister with one. I was smarter with him and he has an orthodontic one, my daughters teeth are already ruined since she used a soothie. She has a huge overbite and her two front teeth are already capped due to decay from sucking so much. Apparently the teeth thing is not inherited since my son's teeth are perfect and he never used one. I had braces from my use of a pacifier and my brother who did not use one had no problems and no braces. So I think we can rationalize all we want but it does affect things, especially the teeth. But that being said, braces were not the end of the world for me and I know my daughter will need lots of work on hers too. If i had it to do over again, I would give an orthodontic one and take it gradually away before age 1. But being in this situation now, the damage is done and I know she already needs work and I asked a couple weeks ago myself about taking it away, but in the end decided I am torturing us both. She doesn't use it when we go out of the house, only in the car and at home. I try to limit home to just in bed but it usually doesn't work. Anyway, you are not alone.

LMAO sorry but this letter could have been posted from me...My son will be 5 next month and still have his binky and you know what i am 34 years old and still suck my thumb at night...so i am right where you are i will not take his binky from him if he wants it because how can i i have though limited it to being used only in our house and i am trying to limit it more to being used only at night...when he is ready he will give it up and if not oh well his mental health is more important to me then his teeth or anything else...so i guess i am a horrible mother too just wanted you to know you arent alone out there..

Well, they say there is always two sides to a story - or situation. Try looking at this in a different way - maybe that will help. Look at the binky in a dependant way - as a crutch he is addicted to. Help him break away.
Once you make the decision when, stick with it - it may surprise you to be easier than you think.
When I weaned my son I did it while we were away for a week traveleing - our routine was not the same - when we got home he fussed for a while, but the hard part was already over with. They can cry for something lost - we all do.
Good luck.

Hi L., Wow such great responses! Fortunately--neither of my kids were interested in it, but I don't think there's any reson to beat yourself up! It's not like he's going to go to middle school sports with it..: ) Maybe once he starts a full-day of school he'll become dis-interested. But I say: Who cares?? Right now my problem is getting my 5 month-old to sleep through the night again--he did but right before Christmas he got an ear infection and got all messed up. And now that he's fine my husband just wants to do everything the Doctor says, (HMPH!) and let him cry it out--I just give him a bottle anyways, it's not like he's going to be crying for one (well maybe a sippy cup..:) next year at this time when he's eating real food, or even a couple years from now! He's my last, so I'm not worried about it and almost everything we are worried about now they will outgrow sooner or later! And that's my 2 cents :)

I am cracking up over here. See, YOU are not a horrible mother, because I am the original horrible mother. And all my kids have survived. 22, 20, 19 and 16. All boys. Ok, the horrible part would come in if you dipped the binki in vodka, put it in YOUR mouth, and gave him the rest of the bottle. See? The child protection services get involved, there's paperwork, its a real drag. So chin up.

I know younger moms are going to have advice that is practical and will actually work, but I am old (45) and my kids have received whatever benefits and damage my mothering doled out. Hey, when I left the hospital, they gave me a whole manual on how to handle the new human, from birth through kicking them out of the nest, and wouldn't you know, the binki-at-4-years-old page is missing. The RTS (return to sender) label was missing also, so I had to end up keeping them.

Whenever I would worry about my little dears dragging 'silky blankie' around too long, the pediatrician patted me on the back and assured me they wouldn't be taking it to college with them. So, chin up, he won't have the binki in college. Don't be so hard on yourself, there are plenty of other people who will do that for you.

Good luck and no matter how much dignity you lose parenting, don't ever lose your sense of humor. The voices in my head are glad I kept mine. :)

Wow, what a posting! Anyway, don't beat yourself up about this. Every mother has done something in the process of raising their kids that they aren't proud of. I rocked my oldest daughter to sleep until she was over a year old. She never used a pacifier. She didn't have to, she had me to soothe her. I don't think I got to sleep before 2am any night in that first year. Back then, I felt very justified in rocking her to sleep. When my second child came along 5 yrs later, I got him hooked on the pacifier. Because I didn't break him of it at the recommended time, which is by the 2nd birthday, he was delayed in his speech. I finally had to break him of the pacifier at 28 months and call in Early Intervention Services for help in getting him to talk at that level he should have been at. By the time my third child came around, I think I learned my lesson and although she had the pacifier, I promptly took if from her when she turned 2yr old and I don't regret doing it.

The reason that you feel he needs the pacifier is most likely due to the fact that the pacifier is the only way that he knows to soothe himself. He hasn't learned any other way. He hasn't needed to because he had the pacifier. In my opinion, it is definitely time for your son to stop using the pacifier. But, don't teach him another sucking method. It is harder to stop sucking the thumb than it is to stop sucking a pacifier and it can do more damage to the teeth than just sucking the pacifier. Let him figure out how to soothe himself without your help. He will learn, every child does. It will not happen overnight. It may take as much as a week. But once he does learn how to soothe himself, it will be so much better for him and for you.

Now that I have given my opinion, it is up to you. You are the parent and you are the one that has to make these kinds of decisions. You are the one that has to deal with the outcome of your decisions, good or bad.

Good Luck!

Hi L....Here I am...The horrible mother who let her child keep her binky til she was...ohhh...five maybe? I also worried just like you...except my biggest concern was that it would become a choking hazard. She actually got rid of it herself as she got older and put her attention into other things like school and playmates...she's also the youngest of 5 so it was easier for her to take the steps to get rid of it. First we got it out of the car...then we left it in the bed..then I would go in every night and take it out of her mouth and lay it on her pillow...finally it was just gone...stop beating yourself up!! You know what you have to do...Good Luck and you know....I don't think we are the only ones!!!

I am laughing so hard, and I am so sorry....but you are soooooooooooooooooooooooooo me a few years ago.
It will be okay. Do not feel like a horrible parent. Don't.
I just let her make her own choice on when she wanted to rid of her BB(mine used that word also).
Yes, he is 4, not 14. I have never seen a child in school with a BB. Is he potty trained? I would work on that first....then the BB. All in all, things take time, and I am so glad that you understand it all. You really do. If you HAVE to do it, then just do it.
Take it away tomorrow morning, and never give it back. Never! Give him a new blanket to sleep with, a special washcloth that he can hold in his hand. Something! Anything! Ask him what his new BB is? Do not be surprised if it is the thumb. Can happen sometimes.
I can not help but to still continue to LOL. It will be okay

ADDED: Every mother has felt this way about something they have done or lack there of. We are in no way shape or form to denounce a mother for her choices or decisions.

Hi L.,

It sounds like you are conflicted. On the one hand, you realize it is not normal for your son to have his pacie. Otherwise, you would not be stressed about it. On the other hand, you think that taking it away would be like taking something essential and paramount away from your son.

You say that you're not sure what type of question you want to ask. It sounds like you want to be told you are doing the right thing so you can stop feeling so conflicted.

I say that without judging you. When people (myself included!) are struggling with a decision, we often times are looking for validation or justification to make ourselves feel better.

I don't think that other people telling you, "Oh, it's okay. He won't have it when he's 16," or "You should take it away ASAP! You are just making it tougher on him," is going to resolve your issue.

You have to figure out who needs this pacifier more: you or your son. And I think if you delve deep into your heart, you know the answer to that. In fact, I think you inadvertantly stated in your post to whom it's important. Why it's so important is irrelevant. What is important is how you are going to go about changing your thinking. Sounds like you see how happy your son is with his pacie and so you think his happiness and contentment is contingent upon having it in his mouth.

Sure, your son needs his pacifier because it has become part of his routine. His bottle was part of his routine, too. It made him feel satisfied and content, but I am sure you stopped giving him a bottle. Pooping in a diaper was part of his routine as well. I assume you potty trained him.

I think you need to talk with someone who is not going to judge you. Someone who doesn't know you or your son. Specifically, a therapist. Whether to allow your son his pacie or to take it away isn't the issue: figuring out how to deal with the conflicted feelings and guilt you feel regardless of your action or inaction is what's at stake. Seriously think about that for a moment: regardless of whatever you decide to do (let him keep it or take it away), you are going to be plagued by doubts, guilt and insecurities about your decision.

I wish you good luck. I hope people on here aren't jerks and judge you. You are human and just want to be the best mom you can be.

T. :)

Hi there! Well let's just say you aren't going to like
What I say! You are doing your son a huge dis-service by
Keeping that binky in his mouth and perpetuating that attachmet
He has. I bekieve YOU are attached to him having this comfort
More than HE is. Especially in light of how you mentioned you
Were traumatized by someone making you stop as a young child. He
Will fight you initially, but he'll get over it and have less lasting
Effects than the damage he's probably already done to his mouth and
Teeth. Because he will now most likely require braces and as a young
Boy he'll dread that (and so will you) all from some unnecessary
Comforting. Truth be told, the american peds assoc reccomends only
Newborns and very young infant suck a binky after that ween them off
Reason is becasue in utero they suck, so you continue that after birth
As a calming mechanism. However, they have you and bottles, etc and also
Must learn to self calm and self soothe after that. I hope you can be
Successful getting that away from him, cause nothin's worse than a binky
Hanging out of the mouth at that late age, just think of the germ factor too.
I'm sure he's dropped it on the ground and then popped it right back in! Please
Don't take this as me being harsh, I'm just trying to help, I've seen friends
Make this same mistake and wish like heck they could roll back time!

L.,
Stop being so hard on yourself! This one thing does not make you a bad mother.
How do you know how your son will react if you don't try; it seems like you won't take it away bc it may affect you in some way. Maybe you could try slow weening. Only let him use it to fall asleep.
on a harsher not consider this: my 3 year old nephew was sedated 3 months ago and all 4 of his teeth remove because he wasn't weened properly-it was the only way to save his adult teeth. Now he has speech trouble and probably will through the beginning of grade school until his adult teeth grow in.
Good luck

Oh, L.. You're very hard on yourself. My daughter is 3 years, 7 months and still has her pacifier. She uses it a lot, and for all the reasons you suggest. Our kids will get rid of their pacifiers eventually. There are so many things to worry about as a mom. This shouldn't be one of them. And by the way, my friend's daughter had her pacifier until she was in kindergarten. The girl is in middle school now, and she seems fine to me.

I hope this helps,
C.

Hi L.,

Yes, I too have a 4yr old son that still uses his BINKI. We too talked and still talk about giving up the binki. We talk about the binki fairy, all the babies etc... I am a reg. dental assistant and know all about the teeth issue, like you said 50% of all kids need braces anyway. PS> both kids are doomed and the other never sucked his thumb or a binky. He started daycare at 18 months and NO BINKIES ALLOWED. That stopped the noon time real fast, and with out an issue I was told. I started seeing him get a little embarrased when company came over and people said things to him when they saw the binki in his mouth. We talked and came to an agreement, only at night. He actually came to me at 3 1/2 and said he would give it up at 4. I said that would be great and he would get a present for being so strong. Well, the night he turned 4 HE remembered and I put the binki away. Actually went to bed without a problem. At 2:15am (he usually stirs around that time)I heard this faint, faint voice, I want my binki, I want my binki. I went in to check on him and I hear I want my binki, not screaming or crying. I explained that the he is such a big boy now and I am so proud of him, the toy that was left for him would have to be taken back etc..... His response was "Maybe we will try again another day". I couldn't help but feel his pain so out to the kitchen I went and gave in. Like you said some kids just NEED the oral stimulation. OH WELL, I guess it could be worse at least he sleeps through the night in his own bed and stays in bed till the alarm goes off at 6:00am. Don't worry about it, he will not go off to college with it. You may want to save it to give his future wife though> LOL....

Keep smiling, K.

Don't sweat it. My son was a complete thumbsucker and when his teeth got wiggly he stopped sucking competely. Then we found out that he has sensory issues so now instead of sucking his thumb he now puts everything in his mouth and chews on that instead. If the binky gives him comfort let him, maybe just give him safe places to suck it, home, bed, car. At 6 my son now has chew toys to chew on. So maybe it's not a bad thing. Take it easy on yourself.

I think you have already gotten a lot of great advice here, but I just wanted to write to. My son is almost 4 and we took his binky away at 3.5. I was very worried about it too. I felt he needed it too. He had it since he was born just about, and he didn't know anything else, in my opinion he did NEED it. I also sucked my thumb for a very long time. My parents tried everything to no avail. So, I felt for him because I knew how hard it was for me to stop.
In the end, it was his decision. We started by not allowing it unless he was in his bed. It was only for sleeping, nothing else. Then we told him, he could buy whatever he wanted with his binky when he was ready. We talked it up a lot, then went to Toys R Us and told him he could buy something with his binky. He bought a Clone Trooper Blaster, not really my first choice but a promise is a promise. When night time came, he was able to take his new toy to bed. He did ask for it for a few nights after that, but we reminded him that he paid for his toy with his binky. It worked. I think that its up to you when to take it away. Don't beat yourself up though. He'll be fine. Also, as much as I sucked my thumb, I didn't need braces, weird as that may seem, I didn't ever have them. My lower teeth could be straighter, but my upper teeth are fine. Also, don't let anyone make you feel bad about any decision you make. You know your child better than any one else. Best of luck to you!

Just want to add my voice to the others saying not to worry too much. My older daughter was a big binky addict (and had medical problems/hospitalizations her first year and a half that made her use it a LOT then). By age 2, we got very strict about making it restricted to the CRIB ONLY (later her bed), but she couldn't sleep without it and if she was having a stressful day, she'd climb into her crib to have some "binky time" and decompress. I talked to her pediatric dentist about it when she was 3 and he said, "Teeth are easier to fix than psyches" and I'm so grateful for that. When she was approaching her 4th birthday we talked a lot about how 4 was too old for a binky and she'd have to give it up sometime when she was 4. A couple of days after her birthday, she was ready. (I had one stashed in my dresser for months, just in case, but she just asked a couple of times about it and was fine. I think she woke a couple of times the first night). She's now 9 and 1/2 and the dentist (different one now-we moved) told me she'll need braces this year, but it has nothing to do with the pacifier-it's a different set of issues, which are not severe. He guessed that my little one was a pacifier user based on her tooth configuration, and she never used a pacifier or sucked on fingers/thumb. You'll find what's best for you and your child. If it doesn't feel right to you yet, then it isn't right yet. Good luck!

My son is almost 3 and also very attached to his binky. Addicted is a perfect word. He must have it all the time or know exactly where it is. He recently developed a medical condition requiring hospitalizations, etc and I feel awful trying to take it away now. And like you say, he really seems to need it. I took him to a pediatric dentist last year and they said to try to kick the habit by 3 but no later than 6 yrs old. You know your son better than anyone and if you think he still needs it, he probably does. Do what you think is best and rest assured that no one goes to college sucking on a binky :)

Just wanted to let you know we took our son's nuk from him on monday and only went through 1 night of tears...second night up only 2wice and last night slept through the night (he is 2 and 1/2).... Just wanted to let you know that it wasn't nearly as agonizing and painful that I have been building it up to be! So you never know..... Good luck!