Ohh Noo... Awkward Misunderstanding at School

Ok...my thoughts

If the teacher originally said she could go, then it isn't her fault. I wouldn't expect a 4 year old to keep track of how many stars they got unless it is on a chart and quite noticable that they didn't reach the goal....so I think it is the teacher's fault and if they let her go...she deserves to win the prize. I would think this was totally different if she was older and could count all the stars and realize the teacher's mistake and just didn't tell them.

Deanna,

It was the adults who made the mistake. I'm guessing they let her go since she had been told she earned it and was ready for it. She seems to have understood what was wrong about the situation and I don't think anything else should be done. I have 3 girls of my own and I would not make any of them do anything more.

I wouldn't be too concerned about it. It appears to me that they recognized her effort & I am impressed by their flexibility.

Please don't make your daughter give back the lollipop and apologize. She didn't do anything wrong. If you make her return the lollipop and apologize she'll be crushed and you'll feel awful. So what good would it do? I agree that each child should have been allowed to attend the event anyways. It's cruel to exclude just a few children in a classroom from something so exciting and wonderful. Why would any teacher do that and any parent allow that?? Don't ruin this happy memory for her. Your princess deserved her prize. Just remind her to be a good and to behave every day.

Find a new pre-k if this is really what is going on there. Forty stars and a dance as a reward? That's ridiculous. I feel worse that your daughter is being made to feel as if she doesn't "deserve" to be involved in something. I agree that children should learn there are consequences for their behavior and you can't shelter them from everything, but this doesn't make sense. As others have said a small token or reward would be appropriate. I can't believe all the other parents and teachers feel this is right and are going along with it. I could see you as the parent holding your daughter back from a special event if she had displayed very bad behavior, but not a teacher barring your child from a dance because she just isn't quite good enough to go. What would the kids who didn't get to go be doing? Sitting and watching? And the fact that the teacher, an adult, said something directly to your daughter and not you would really have me fuming. A remark to your daughter that she doesn't "deserve" to be at the dance and win a prize is mean and spiteful. Talk to the teacher asap and get the whole story. If this is really the truth, I would be looking at other schools that will bolster her self-esteem, not tear her down.

What a terrible behavior system for 4 year olds! I can't believe they actually have a party that only some kids can attend. You and your child should not feel badly about this situation. I would just let it go and move on. I think it's a ridiculous rule, so maybe it was okay to bend it. I'm sure that your daughter is not a "bad kid" and deserved to have a special day. If I had done something like that when I was teaching, the parents would have had a fit! The only way I'd ever exclude a child from a fun event was if they had done something very serious, like hurt another person. Unless these 4 year olds are little monsters, they all deserve a fun time together. Just my opinion!

Oh, so sad...ARrrrrrgggghhh. The thing that strikes me most about your post is your daughter's response - your four year old is quite mature!!!! She has a conscience. You should be proud! She should not be punished for the misunderstanding. She did not do anything wrong. Yes, I am the parent who has a great respect for teachers and I have had my children apologize to teachers, when wrong but... this is sad. This is not her fault. It's the fault of the passive-aggressive teacher who felt the need to be nasty, coupled with the lack of communication from the kind Teacher's Aide, who probably recognized that there were bigger things in life than chastising a 4 year old. Awful. Awful. Awful.

If you honestly believed that your daughter wasn't supposed to attend, then YOU, the good mom, would not have written this post. The whole moment of getting the poodle skirt, participating in the event, getting the lollipop, ... that is all tainted by a teacher who felt the need to undermine the situation and say that your daughter "didn't deserve to be there".

Since your daughter believes that she didn't earn her prize, I would call the school, go to the school, let that teacher's aide say to your daughter that she granted permission because, maybe she believes that, forty stars or not, your daughter was worthy to go. If she really has long forgotten it, then so should you.

She deserved that lollipop - if not for the forty stars, for her maturity in this situation. Not all adults are mature - shame on that teacher!

This misunderstanding was not your 4 year olds fault. While she might not have had enough stars to go to the dance, that is over.. she was there. Now, she won that stuff fair and square at the dance she should keep everything as she did nothing wrong. While explaining to her that it was a miscount for the stars, expalin that eveyone makes mistakes and that is normal, then leave it at that.

Hi Deanna,

I think your daughter's teacher should of made it very clear as to if she was able to go. I would let your daughter keep what she won because she is 4 yrs old and it should not be her responsibility to keep track of good behavior. She is just learning all the "right" from "wrongs". And if it was your responsibility to keep track of stars, I would still say it is the teacher's fault because it is a school reward system. You could tell the teacher about the miscommunication with the aid so she doesn't think, that you think, your child is above the star reward program. All you need to tell your daughter is you and the teacher misunderstood each other and everything is just fine. Leave your husband out of it.

C. B

I think it's a strange idea to have a reward system like that for preschoolers, if I understand how it was supposed to work.

As for what happened in school, it happened in school and the teachers made the decision. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, and I don't think you need to take any action with your daughter. I think I'd have a discussion with the teacher about it, though, because the story from beginning to end makes me question their judgment.

I understand rewarding kids for good behavior but i can't believe that there's a pre-school that excludes kids from a dance for bad behavior. There still learning how to deal with there emotions at this age and act appropriatly. This is aweful to me. And believe me I'm not one of these mom's who believe in the everybody is a winner and not keep score at games kind of mom. I'm strict with my daughter but I wouldn't send her to a school who did that kind of teaching. Pre-school is their first experience with school and it seems to me that excluding kids from something as big as a dance (in their eyes it's a big deal)would make some kids get a negative thought of school. I would talk to your daughter about how she feels with the situation. When I was in first grade I had stars for spelling taken away from me that shouldn't have and to this day i still hate first grade. If you have a sensitive child this could bring about a negative feeling and you don't want her to have negative thoughts about school already. She did nothing wrong.

I applaud you- a very mindful parent. I have had the non-pleasure of meeting so many questionable ones.

This is a question about integrity.
Either the 40 stars mattered or they didn't.

It is also a question about benevolence.
I would be curious to know if the teachers were charitable with any of their other students.

Just my opinion
Please-try not to let your daughter go on thinking she "got away with something" and should feel bad (unless she was in some way responsible). Take this opportunity to teach her about benevolence and charity. As a teacher I had to decide what grades to give a students. Sometimes the student's effort and desire to succeed came into play when determining if they received an A- or a B+.
I wish that the teacher would have explained this. I think it might be a good idea for you and your daughter to have a short chat with the teacher and teacher's aid.

Shame on the teacher! this is a teacher issue not a child issue. Your daughter, and you, did all the right things. Do not have her take the sucker back. Whether she earned these things "fairly" or not was up to the teacher...not a four year old child. Go to the source, not the subject. the teacher spoke out of turn and is the one responsible, and needs to own her mistake...
I say praise your daughter for her awards and let her shine in this moment. She is 4 not 44. Yes, you can use this as a teachable moment by talking about fairness, responsibility, humility, acceptance, fun, etc.,....

Many more trials of this sort, and more important, will arise in the coming years. let this be a small stepping stone along the path, not a huge boulder to block the journey. xo

This is totally the teachers fault. It is not your daughters responsibility to know how many stars, etc. The teacher should have never told her she thought she had enough. Please don't make you daughter feel bad, or like she did something wrong. Let her enjoy the experience, gently reminding her that she got 'lucky' to get to go, and next time we'll make sure she really earns it so she won't miss out.

I know you are trying to teacher right from wrong and that she gets reward for good behavior.
But I am sorry; she is 4. You have told her.. now let her just have the moment. There is lots of time that these lessons will be taught through out her still very young life. If the teachers know and are letting her enjoy it; you should too. Pick your battles and this is something (in my opion) you should just let her have and enjoy.
Good luck

I don't think the school should have 'qualified' a school event like that from the start. It's either open to all the children or they don't have it at the school during school hours. Period.

The idea that a full year's worth of stickers would add up to one event in the spring and that 3&4 year olds are going to 'get' that and be motivated throughout the year for an event they don't understand (sock hop - what kid knows what a sock hop is) is silly. The whole thing set the kids up to fail.

You've already talked to her about it. She understands. Don't make her revel in guilt about a decision she didn't make. The teacher invited her. You both accepted. If your 4 year old is at fault, then you and your husband are at more fault for not knowing the timing, rules, her total stars, etc. If you couldn't stay on top of when it was, what her total was, etc., why would you expect your 4 year old daughter to?

Pretty harsh to get her to return the lolly don't you think! She enjoyed herself - the other kids most likely didn't realise - no ones hurt - she is only 4 yrs old. Just let it go and don't worry about it - in the larger scale of things it's no biggie really is it?

Hi Deanna,

I think you and your daughter should go to the school and explain things to the staff in the office and see what they say. It doesn't sound like this is your fault and you didn't know. The staff may be very happy that you were just willing to go in to at least mention things and try to make things right instead of just blowing it off. And no, you cannot return an opened lollypop so your daughter might as well enjoy that. It may be a good experience for your daughter to see you trying to talk it out with the staff also. I don't beleive you or your daughter has done anything wrong but maybe if you speak with them about this it would ease your conscience,
Good Luck, J. J.

I agree, what a HORRIBLE system for young children! I think it's a horrible system for kids of any age. Rewards are good, but the best way to do it is to give small prizes (certificates, pencils etc.) when the child has earned enough, and give every child a chance to improve and earn a reward.

It is possible that the teacher held the dance up as an incentive, but in the end let every child go, even if they didn't have enough. I would talk to her and find out.

I would tell your daughter that her teacher was extra proud of her and that even though she didn't earn enough stars they all felt she was such a great person that they wanted her there. It could be damaging if she is left to think she didn't deserve it, and really ruin all the memories she has of it.

I think all children need to be encouraged positively, and it's funny but the more you compliment them on a certain quality, the more they seem to have it. The more you focus on what they can't do, the more they can't do it.

I feel so bad for your daughter. She needs a big hug!

I agree whoelheartedly with all the moms saying don't even bring it up to your daughter. She is blameless. I've been a teacher, mother, and now counselor. Denying a 4 year old something that is a whole class event and so special that has been a long time coming can be deeply damaging. I applaud the aid who could see with heart instead of head.

The mom who said, "EVERY child should have been permitted to attend! Imagine if you were the one child who missed the cut-off and had to sit out while all of your little mates played and celebrated with their friends and parent?!" speaks to the wounds I see in adults in my counseling office so often. Children that age take things on as being about the whole person, not about the event or behavior. Negative beliefs about self like "I'm not good enough", "There's something wrong with me", and "I'm bad", that started with one unexpected event (or constant small repetitions too) can become a damaging lifelong belief system that unconsciously pervades the person's choices and relationships. I hope you can help her stay focused on the fun, the winning the costume contest, the music, etc. and let her know she did deserve to be there.

EVERY child should have been permitted to attend! Imagine if you were the one child who missed the cut-off and had to sit out while all of your little mates played and celebrated with their friends and parent?! Where did the kids who didn't earn enough go? Were they sent home early? Did they have to sit in another room with a staff member?

Even at 4, kids recognize they are being excluded and it is hurtful.

I have never heard of an early childhood program qualifying a gathering in this way. If it was a celebration of community, exercise and fun...then, it should be for EVERYONE!

NO child should have been made to feel that they were not "good enough" to attend. She deserved to go and have fun, same as every little child in her class.

Celebrate that you and your daughter had a great time at school together and "hurrah" to the aide for seeing that excluding kids is not a kind thing to do!

Hi Deanna,

I agree with Jennifer. I don't think it's your daughter's fault, or yours for that matter. The teacher's aide extended the invitation because she thought your daughter had enough stars. She should not have assumed. She should've made sure. I think they had to let your daughter attend because it was their mistake. You would not have dressed her up for the event without the invitation. I think it's enough that your daughter feels bad about the situation. It means she understands between right and wrong. But, again it wasn't her doing so I wouldn't make her feel any more guilty than she already does.

I'm with everyone else. My daughter is only 3 so we're not at this point yet but if she was excluded from something next year in preschool, I'd be looking for a new preschool! Preschool should be fun and exciting, not filled with punishments and ultimatums. It sounds pretty manipulative to me. "Only the good little girls and boys can have fun at the dance" is pretty much what they are telling kids. Again, I have no experience with this yet but it sounds pretty backwards to me.

I like the idea of redeeming stars for something special, but not a dance. My 7 yr old twin daughters class if an individual stays on green for a whole quarter, they get to pick a small prize and get a certificate. That is the way to do it, or have the incentive for the whole class ( if the whole class gets enough stars, then they all go to a dance).

This was not your daughters fault, but I would ask the teacher if they can do something else as an incentive for good behavior.

oh my! This sounds like a lot to put on a little one. She is a wonderful little person who works hard, does her best, why doesn't she "deserve" to go again? Do you want to take this joy away from her? What does it serve to punish her? Will this event affect her going to college...well, maybe if she doesn't feel like she "deserves" to go when she gets older?

Sorry, don't agree with this type of reward/punishment system.

I think sitting and talking to her about it is appropriate and maybe having her use her own money to buy a lollipop to give back to the teacher for someone that did go would be appropriate. I would also go with her when she takes the lollipop in and have her explain to the teacher that she knows she really shouldn't have gone and she's very happy they let her go, but she thought it was only right if she bought a new lollipop for one of the kids that actually deserved to go????

I'm not sure what she has to do to "earn stars" but maybe you could let her know she needs to make up the difference asap (maybe with extra pages at home at night?).

Maybe you could discretely speak to her teachers - tell her you feel terrible about the mis-communication & that you want to make it right.

I think she should be able to keep her lollipop & award.... she's only 4. It's not like she didn't something on purpose... she simply (as you did you) followed the information given to you by the teachers/adults.

To ease your mind & to make her feel better & feel like she actually "earned it"... just have her get her stars as soon as you can.... It's not a huge deal really. I completely understand not wanting to reward her for things she didn't earn (a very good life lesson - great parenting on your part) - but this was a complete mis-understand & the teachers fault really - not yours or hers.

Hope this helps...

I agree, do not have the child return the lollypop. She has be humiluated enough! I would go to the teacher and explain that it is a bad policy to exclude any child from an activity. (remember the child will still be with the teacher). If you get no cooperation, go the administration. This is horrible for a 4 year old. Be vigilant, talk with your child each day about daily activities at school. I feel terrrrrrrible for your 4 year old. At this age, school should be fun, learing to love it. Find a different school, if possible.
Read the comments from teachers. They are on target. Maybe this teacher should not be teaching 4 yr. olds.

Hi Deanna,

It seems to me that the misunderstanding happened at school (versus at home so your actions should be minimal). Your daughter was told she could go and she herself did not do anything underhanded. That's too bad that an adult screwed up but it does happen. The fact that your daughter already feels down about it should be consequence enough. I wouldn't take any more action. I'm a teacher and a parent so being on both ends of the spectrum that is just my feeling on it. If the teacher's aide is the one to make the mistake, isn't she the one who needs to apologize? The teachers had the opportunity to tell you and didn't so let it go......

I think this is an adult error and your daughter should not be punished for it. Honestly, I would have been upset if they had not let her go after all. Talk about a self-esteem bust. I also agree with other posters about this reward system. Sure kids this age can understand about stars for good behavior etc but really, I think a book or stickers would have been more appropriate than a dance and prizes. You can bring it up to your daughter and talk about it since she seems to understand that she should not have attended but then drop it. At her age addressing repeatedly is just mean. She didn't do anything wrong since she didn't tell you she could go and lie or anything. The teacher made the mistake and that is something she should be told also.

I would let it go and wouldn't mention it to your daughter again. I agree with the posters that said she is the subject, not the source. Your daughter is blameless here.

What I would do is bring it up with the teachers. Mainly, that it is ridiculous for some students to have a party and not others. Seriously, this is what they think up for 4 yr olds? My 5th grader's teacher has game day every once in awhile, but only if all the kids are well-behaved, not just a select few. The teacher also hands out tokens for good behavior during the week and on Fridays, the students can redeem their tokens and choose a prize.

The second issue seems to be a communication one. Is the reason you did not know about the date of the sock hop was your daughter wasn't eligible to go? If they're going to keep this arbitrary star system, shouldn't a letter have gone home to all parents summarizing where exactly the kids stood on the spectrum? I mean, wouldn't you have appreciated a letter stating, "Emma is 4 stars short for the sock hop. Here's what she can do to earn them." Which would have prompted a nice conversation with your daughter about what she could do in class.

Great moral dilemma question....

It seems your daughter (by looking down with a sad expression) gets it. What I don't get is how the teachers could make this huge error, and not be a part of the solution. They owe it to your daughter to help her understand how THEIR mistake led to her getting something she 'doesn't deserve' ? (I feel like all 4 year olds are deserving of a party and prizes!!) But seriously, the mistake on the teachers' part to 'let her go anyway' was the beginning of this chain reaction that now has your daughter feeling bad-they need to explain that they made a mistake, and all that your daughter should have to do is be grateful that she got to go and get prizes and have her picture taken, etc. It sounds to me that you have done a great job with her, in that she knows she kind of slid in. I think she should just be made to understand that it was an error, and that she should appreciate the opportunity it gave to her. Done!

Good luck-I've got a 4 month old-can't wait for his moral dilemma's to come!

M.

First of all as a teacher who has taught pre-k I am furious that a school or teacher would have such a huge incentive that would actually leave children out and have a contest on costumes. This fails to establish positive self esteem for students in the entire class. I feel sorry for your daughter who is only FOUR and is expected to understand this so called positive reward system. No child should have been excluded from such a school function. Based on your daughters response to the party or dance she is already deflated feeling that she should not have been included. That is punishment enough. I would talk to the teachers and tell them that communication should have been better between parent and teacher for those who should not have attended. Then I would express my concern over such an incentive program for 4 year olds. It sounds like your daughter is a very bright littel girl and needs positive incentives in other ways. I hope her kindergarten experience is better.
Lastly as a parent and a teacher always keep communication going at least on a weekly basis in the early elementary years and continue throughout the rest of the childs school years.

Relax, it's just preschool.
The teacher okay'd for her to go.
She's happy and all is good.

I wouldn't worry about it. As a teacher and parent myself, it's not that big a deal. If the teacher didn't stop her from going, then it can't be that big a deal to her, either. BTW, I'm not sure I agree with the 40 stars thing for 4 year olds! I teach primary kids (K-3) and they have a hard time with daily and weekly goals & rewards, let alone over an entire year! Even when I taught 1st grade, we started out with rewards for morning and afternoon, and gradually worked our way up to rewards for the day.

Your poor daughter! I feel so bad for her. Were there other kids who were also left out (or were supposed to be left out)? And what did they expect your daughter to do while everyone else was having fun? That sounds terrible.
I can't believe a preschool plans something that fun and has the nerve to tell small children that they don't deserve to go. This is her introduction to school. She should be getting praise and encouragement at this stage. My daughter is also in preschool. Kids are rewarded for certain behaviors but they are not withheld from the fun stuff for not being "good enough". Unless your daughter did something unacceptable like fighting or something serious, she absolutely deserved to go.

After reading your request, I must say that it is kind of disturbing. A four-year old first of all should not be excluded from a school event for "bad" behavior. As a former teacher, and mother to a 3 and 6 year old, I am shocked. At such a young age, they are just beginning to be in a social learning environment. They should be encouraged to love school and feel good about themselves. This is horrible. What school is this? Your daughter should not feel bad, she should be rewarded for the stars she did receive. Return the lollipop?...give me a break...it's a lollipop, not 100 dollars. Every student should have been allowed to go regardless of stars. Each child in a classroom should be treated as an individual...this reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book where the things with stars thought they were better than the ones without a star. Those teachers need to be evaluated by a superior and their classroom management needs to change BIGTIME! I bet they are older...right? Time to retire!

I would just let it go. She already feels bad and realizes she didn't have enough stars. It was an adult that let her go. I wouldn't make any more out of it. She probably was very close to having enough stars or the teacher wouldn't have let her go. She's only 4.

I am with the parents who think this is an awful system for 4 year olds. What a rotten system and way to destroy their little feelings. They simply are too young to understand that kind of system. Let it go with your daughter. Don't make her return the lollipop---she didn't steal it. Good luck.

I love the answer about charity. If you are Christian, you can bring in mercy, etc.

I have to agree with "let it go". She's 4 years old. This seems like a very big issue for a 4 year old. I'm a little surprised at the teachers for having such a big reward/punishment for kids this age. Imagine the kids who didn't get to go.

It sounds like you didn't have much warning either. It's not always easy for parents and teachers to keep the communication going perfect, but if you'd had a few weeks notice, maybe she could have gotten enough stars by working harder.

Keep the lollipop, she did look cute in her "costume" and I'm sure she worked hard for the stars she received.

She is 4.. don't tell her she should return the lollipop. It is sad that the school rewards a pre=k class like that. That is something you would do w/ upper elementary because they have the processing skills of understanding causes and effects... NOT A 4 YEAR OLD CLASS. I think the teacher needs a lesson or two on doing positive rewards for behaviors. Yikes... thank goodness for the aid in your daughter's classroom.

I would temporarily take away the lollipop. Then you could create an opportunity for her to earn the stars she needed to achieve 40. Preferably this would be a joint effort with her teachers. But, if they aren't doing stars anymore, you could do it based on her behavior at home. When she reaches 40, she gets the lollipop.

I would definitely find out which specific behaviors prevented her from earning 40 stars. This is a teacher's perspective... I would bet that they made the sock hop VERY attainable, which could indicate that your daughter needs to work on her behavior. One thing that's very impressive is that your daughter told the truth. It's important not to punish her for being honest.

For goodness sake just drop it! The misunderstanding was in no way your child's fault. She had nothing to do with it. The error was made by teacher's aide, and no one else.

Everyone involved realizes the mistake, and next time I'm sure everyone will double check to ensure it won't happen again. Not a big deal in the big scope of things.