Ok Moms I Need Advice

J., my advice is let the dad handle this one. you may have good intentions but its gonna bite you in the end. you and dad can talk about it but let him make all the moves when it comes to the kids mom. all you can do is just be there. it can either go two ways, yes she comes back and breaks their heart or she becomes a constant. remeember children are so forgiving. just love these babies.

I think the kids should be able to get the cards and letters. They are old enough to understand whats going on. When they get older everything will come out in the open. Especially if the mother stops using drugs. At least she makes an effort to send letters. That is more than most drug addicts do. That is there mother they will love her regardless if she is there or not.

I have four kids and two soon to be step-kids. I applaud you for that.

This is a touchy situation. I know that his mom is trying to help the situation and so is he by keeping those cards and things from the kids. The thing is, it's going to come back and bite them both in the butt. She's going to say she sent things to the kids over the years and they will find out they were kept from them. Imagine what's going on in their minds, they think their mom doesn't love them or care about them. That turns into other things and it will affect them forever. Now when they find out they felt that way all along and for nothing, you will find they turn completely loyal to their mom and the rest of the family will take the fall for the betrayal.

My advice is this. Sit down and talk to him and decide together what you are going to do. Start giving the kids the letters and things. Sit them down and tell them that their mom loves and cares about them but she has many issues right now that's keeping them apart. She isn't in a place right now to be a mom to them and please tell them that she WILL disappoint them, tell them you don't say that to be mean but to prepare them. (this was a very important step with my daughter when her father popped back in to her life. It prepared her for the heartbreak). Let the cards fall where they may. She's still their mother and that will never change. You have to see it from their point of view.
The most important thing to remember is to always keep their safety first, be a soft place for them to fall when they do get hurt, most important remember that doing what's best for them, sometimes it hurts and it's not what's best for the adults but it takes a big person to see that. I always looked at things through my child's eyes. She wants nothing to do with her biological father but she's not mean or bitter, she's a great kid and her "dad" is the man that raised her.

Good luck whatever you decide hon! It's a rough road to travel.

Once you get married I would adopt them and then legally the birth mom will have to just stay out of the picture

Just my thoughts, but I think I would "gently" share your views on this one. If the letters come to your house, however, you need to give them to your husband and let him ultimately make this decision. He has "experience" with this and he make just be over-protective, however, you have to respect his decisions, for they are his children. Doesn't mean you aren't right on this one, but sometimes we have to sit back and let things unfold as they are supposed to.

I was married with stepchildren, plus I have 2 of my own. The stepparent role is very difficult - heck the parenting role, as you know is difficult. Be honest with your husband, but be supportative as well.

Good luck!

Okay, basically here is my take on the situation. Is it possible the mother has not tried to visit because she never gets any response to her cards and letters? She may be under the impression that the kids want nothing to do with her. Also, I think the kids are old enough to make their own decision if they want to recieve these cards or not. I would of course read the cards first before giving them to the children, but it should really be their choice. You all might get some backlash later on with the kids thinking you were trying to keep their mother from them when she was trying to make contact. Well, that was my two cents. Good luck and congrats on the upcomming wedding.

I think that you have the opportunity to show those children was a real mom is like and you can give them the security they are lacking in their life. As for those letters and contact from the mother, you are the step mom coming into this and you have to let their dad handle the contact from her. Talk to him and see when he thinks he will share the information with them and in teh meantime just be a good mom to them and give them the love their mother never gave them.

Well maybe you and your husband need to sit down and talk. If you do get the letters or cards from their mother give them to you. You dont want to make them think you are KEEPING their mother away. But one day they will realise if they havent already thats not really a mom...a mom who is someone who is there for them and takes cares of them.. I know this might be hard...but you should always ask the kids what they want! i wish you luck on this and all works out!

You MUST talk to this father about this. My mother left my father when I was 2-3 yrs of age. Anyway, long story short, I finally met my father when I was 21 yrs of age. He had also been a drug and alchol abuser most of his life. I found out that he had been trying to contact my brother and I for years. I was furious with my mother and I still have not forgiven her. BUT at age 21 I was able to understand why she had kept this secret. I also felt like she should have given me the option when I was a teenager to meet and try to understand him and his life. He had turned his life around and changed long before I had met him. He was a wonderful, Big hearted man. He died 1 yr later. I missed out on getting to know him because my mother had her own selfish issues.I think the children are too young now to understand, but you two should be the one's to tell them and be able to explain and give them the option when they are mature and old enough to make their own decision.

Hi J. M

After reading your situation, it stayed on my mind for two days. I am very concern for you. I feel as though you have achieved alot in your life and to get into something with this new guy will destroy everything you have built. If the communication is not there now, then when you get married, it
will not be there as well. The decision for his ex-wife to be able to communicate with the children should be on the both of you and not only him. As women, we usually assume the man should make descision like that, but it will affect your life as well. Just think for a moment, if he treats the mother of his children like that, how will he treat you when things dont go his way. A wise friend, once told me to watch and see how people you love treat the people they love. If they are abrusive to them, then your turn will come sooner or later. I dont know you, but I can say, God's Holy spirit is leading you to do the right thing. I will say a prayer for you right now. Whatever you do, remember it's in God's hand. Ask him to guide you and believe he will.

Your friend

____@____.com

ok hi this is just a fast answer for you cause I only have a second but what do you do if they're hearts are riped out by their mom messing with them? Comming in and out of their lifes as SHE pleases? You be there for them, you be everythings she is NOT. You hold them, kiss them let them cry with you, let them talk about how they are feeling or ask them to draw you a picture about how they are feeling. You just be there to comfort them and to let them know just how SPECIAL they are and how happy that you and their dad get to have them in your lives. ALSO definatly make sure to let them know that it is NOT THEIR FAULTS that their mom keeps leaving, that she is just confused and has some problems and may be make this a good time to talk to the older kids about how bad drugs are, and you would be suprised at how earily you can talk to them about that and just be honest with them about the situation but again, let them know that it is not their faults, and that their mom has a diease, and that addiction can be inhearated so they need to STAY AWAY from drugs!!!! BEST OF LUCK! lots of hugs remember! ~C.

Dear J., you are in a bit of a spot. you must love this family alot to take on that many children who are all so hurt.
Good for you. When I got married I took on 2 children and a step son and never regreted it. But their mom was still around. On the other hand I was raising my own son whos father left us homeless when my son was 6. My ex lives 15 minutes from us and only saw his son at grandma's for special occassions, or if he was forced to. Let me tell you if I could go back in time and change it I would. My son is 20 now and suffers from depression and panic anxiety so bad he dropped out of school and cant even drive a car. It all comes down to how poorly his father treated him when they were together. and yes my ex was very into drugs at the time. If she decides to come in person there is nothing you can do but smile and be real carefull but as long as its thru the mail go along with their father I believe its for the best. my husband loves my son as if my son was his own and has helped him though so much I pray you can do for these young children what my husband did for my son As for my step children I love them greatly but their mom didnt like me so they are not as close as I once hoped to be But they still talk to me and respect me as adults
Good luck and God bless you

Hi,
What a sad situation, but one that is becoming more and more prevelent in our society.
You are getting ready to be the brady bunch! Thats wonderful that you are so concerned about them.
I am sure your fiance feels very hard at his x for deserting him and the kids by chosing drugs over them. Regardless, she will always be their mother. She brought them into this world.
Please do not keep cards or letters from the kids. They are young and old enough to hear a soft version of the truth. She has been gone a long time without trying to see them. I am sure she is suffering in her own way. She has probably stayed away from them also due to not wanting them to be subject to drugs and she has probably really gone down hill in the way she looks due to the drugs. Is she remarried? I admire him and his mother for raising the children in a secure and loving enviornment. I think that the grandmother had good intentions about the letters and cards, but she should have told her son about them and let him make the decision. IF she ever does come back in their lives to see them they need to be prepared. You may explain that their mother has an illness with a dependence on drugs. You will always be there and be a loving mother to them but you will never be able to replace their natual mother. I would have your fiance to go ahead and talk to an attorney and get the visitation rights changed to supervised and only in your home now,and she must call or contact you weeks in advance to schedule a visit, just in case. You never know, she may some day clean up her act and become a repectable person again. It is inevitable that she will some day show up, have the kids prepared for that moment. The worst thing is to have it happen and everyone be offgard and produce a trauma to the kids and your family......
Good luck.
D.

Well, I don't want to sound mean and like I'm telling you what to do. I just believe that maybe asking the kids if they want them is a good idea and definitly read them first though. The mom might have made mistakes but she could be trying to make up for them. How do you know if no one reads the cards and letters? Since she has been into drugs and if she wants to see them I suggest superivised visits. I do have to say you are a wonderful person to take on this family. Its always wonderful that a woman will love her husband as well as his children by another woman. Just be a good role model to those kids cause it sounds like they need one. Don't bad mouth their mother to them though, not saying that you would but that wouldn't be good because the kids could start to resent you for it. You sound like you got it together though. Talk to your fiance about it and tell him the kids should say whether or not they want to hear from their mom. And if mom leaves again and breaks their heart again the kids will know not to trust her anymore. Good luck, and best wishes.

J., I see where you might want to give the kids their mom's mail as I would too; however, you can not go against your husbands wishes. Blended families are a different animal. Keep in mind good or bad he has to make the final decisions where the kids are concerned. Keep talking to him and hopefully he will see that the kids deserve to see the cards and letters their mom has sent. They need to know that she loves them even if she is sick. I'm sure he would not keep letters from his kids if their mother was sick with cancer. As far as your comments regarding their mom all you need to say is that you are sure she loves them but she is sick. I too am a step-mother to a child whos mom was an addict. I never spoke ill of her and helped restore the broken relationship between mother and child. Keep in mind they will not love you less because they love her.

If I was in your shoes I would read the letters first and then decide if they should get them. If you keep them from the kids now and she does happen to come back and say something about the cards and letters they will wonder why you were hiding them.

Hi J.:
Well, I have to agree with you, it was wrong of Grandma to hold them. She should have at least told Dad of the cards and letters. Now is the time for Dad to step up to the plate and come clean with his children. They need to know that Mom did not totally forget about them. I think Dad needs to get the kids together and tell them what she did, as far as walking off and leaving them for the drugs. But they need to that she did at least think about them sometime. I think they need to know, clear the air and be comfortable before you make the walk down the isle.
Now let me tell you why I am saying this. I have 3 kids-
26, 16, 14. My 26 year old daughter chose drugs (crack) over her family for about 5 years. That was in 1998, there were many, many nights I and my younger kids would cry because we didn't know if my older daughter was dead or alive. She would not call us because she was ashamed of what she was doing.
We would have given anything to have received a card or a phone call from her, just to know that she was alive. It was a heart break to me and my kids. At the time my 2nd daughter was only 8 years old and my son was only 6. It is a terrible heart break for all the kids. But telling them the truth will take a lot off your heart, nerves and shoulders.
Good Luck!
I really do wish you the best of luck with this because of the love between you and your fiance. And your upcoming wedding.
Be sure to show lots of love and support to the kids if you do
decided to tell them because trust me they will need extra.

My advice to you is to let them decide if they wish to see her. They are at the age where they will be able to make a decision, so tell they the truth as objectively as you can. I have went through the same myself, in regards to a family member that I felt uncomfortable in them seeing. In the end, they chose to see her, but she has very little influence over them. Children will suprise you sometimes. :)

I have a 2 year old and he is about to be a step child to a terrific man. However, my son's father is in the picture and a great man too. In your case, you need to talk with your fiance and tell him that in the long run it will be best if you tell the kids the truth now. There might be a SLIGHT chance the mom gets her act together and wants to be part of their lives again. Children are smarter than you think. They may have some bottled up feelings that they need to get out and you might be the one they can talk to. Some kids are afraid to say they miss someone because they know how bad that person has hurt their family. You just might be that outsider that they can really open up to. Let the kids have a little say so, you'd be surprised. GOOD LUCK!!!

J., I want to start off by saying that I can relate in many levels. I remarried a man who had a teenage son at the time (he is now 20). The only thing that I can advice you is to talk to your fiance. Even though their mother walked away, she is still their mother. The kids still need to know that their mother exists. I know the fear of her coming into their life is critical to their development, but it is a risk that needs to be taken. If keeping them shelter from her it will only blow up in both your faces and the kids will turn against you because they were not given the opportunity to make that decision in knowing their mother. I would suggest if their mother wants to visit make sure that it is well supervised and counseling be given to the children if needed. He needs to give the kids an opportunity to know their mom and maybe just maybe their mom is trying to change. No one is a perfect parent and sometimes we do stupid things, but that doesn't mean we can't change for the better. The kids need to be given that opportunity to choose whether they want a relationship with their mom or not. All you too can do is love them and be there for them if things don't work out. Stop him from omitting the correspondence and allow the children to know their mom.