Ok, Ok, How Does Your Relationship Handle B*tchiness?

If it takes him a week to get over a one-liner, he needs to grow a thicker skin. I don't know how a one-liner can be worse than anything he's ever experienced! Sorry but I think he's overly sensitive.

I love my husband, except for about one week out of every month. For that week of PMS I hate him. I think he also suffers from PMS. Every word he utters makes me angry, and I have nothing nice to say back to him. Anyway, I tend to avoid him when I feel like that.

"Ok, ok, how does your relationship handle b*tchiness?" It didn't, my husband was the b*&^% and now he doesn't live here and it is nice-

Okay, so being normally softspoken (according to you) means that your husband's feelings aren't supposed to be hurt when you behave bitchily towards him? He's not allowed to continue to feel hurt when he receives an immediate, maybe not-heartfelt apology? Even if the apology is heartfelt, you don't know that it's coming across as heartfelt.

You're holding it against him for being bothered when you get bitchy and then blaming it on hormones. It's 2012 and we're still blaming hormones for our moods? Really? If you think tone isn't much, you're wrong. Tone is EVERYTHING. Tone and body language say far more than our actual words do.

Not to mention he's recovering from an apparently bad marriage. So he's got some baggage. Give him some leeway. But also get some marriage counseling. Learn to communicate better. Ooh, and get the word-of-the-day toilet paper that has the definitions on it too.

Nuff with the ****! We are adults. It makes me feel like I am talking with children!! Bitchy enough? :)

Before I ever married my husband I mentioned he may want to move out when I am sick. I am a bitchy, whiny nightmare!! So not like the person I am.

I don't think it bothers Troy because I am very self aware. It is just something I cannot control and I admit it freely. It is no different than when he has a bad day and wants to kick the cat. Totally not the person he is either.

So in the end if I see him trying to kick the cat, oh, bad day at work, anything I can do? Even if the answer is leave me alone I accept that he is not being mean, that is just what he needs. If he sees me whining and bitching he asks oh, are you sick, yup, anything I can do to help. Yes I would love for you to get me this...and he knows not to take a word I say personally.

If he's going to live with a woman, he had better get a thicker skin. That doesn't let you off the hook entirely, but if he's given fair warning that once in a while this will happen (I don't know a single woman who isn't bitchy once in a while), he needs to grow up and let it go. Being married means sometimes putting up with your mate's idiosyncrasies and bad moods without taking them personally. You are over-thinking this, and I don't believe him for one minute that his other partners never got bitchy once in a while. He must not have known them as intimately as he knows you, or you wouldn't let your guard down like that in front of him.

Do you know why some children have tantrums in front of Mom but not their teachers or strangers? They trust Mom to still love them afterwards, there's a bond there they don't have with other adults, and they feel safe losing it in front of that trusted person.

If I'm in a bad mood I make sure people are forewarned.
"I'm not mad at you Dear, I'm just mad".
But I have to say my husband is a sweetheart with just bringing me flowers or a sweet card for no particular reason.

Everybody has their moments, BUT we also have the ability to control ourselves and remove ourselves when we feel that "moment" coming on. There is nothing to blame but ourselves, and a lack of thinking things through & how what we say or do will affect others. That split second when you know something bad's about about come out, or the tone will be all wrong, is when you need to pull back & either count to 10 in another room, or shift your attitude from negative to positive. Stop your tongue & think of how you can get your point across in a nice way.

You can be nice 90% of the time, but people will remember the 10% of the time you ripped their heads off for no reason, a lot more. If it happens a lot, then some serious self examination needs to happen. As adults, we should be able to control ourselves the majority of the time. Words & how they're said can hurt a great amount. I would say that if you're at the point of telling your husband "____@____.com you", then something needs to be changed.

I think everybody does this at one time or another, don't they? I mean, I know I do. My kids sure do. My husband does (although less often than myself).

I can't imagine living with someone who is so incredibly sensitive that they can't understand and forgive a certain amount of 'snappy' behavior every now & then (assuming it's not very often). Usually when it happens at our house, we make a joke of it (usually). If my husband snaps, I'll say something like, "Good gravy, mister mental, don't resist when the white coats come!" and if I snap, he'll make this face he makes at me when I'm being irrational, and it makes me laugh. Our kids look at us like we have grown two more heads when we "snap", and it makes us all laugh.

Life is hard, stressful. We have to be able to be ourselves around family. As long as you're not being abusive, you're apologizing, acknowledging his feelings, he needs to cut you some slack, in my opinion.

Well, my husband and I have been together for 25 years and we both zing each other from time to time. It happens -- grudges are never held more than a few hours and the silent treatment does not happen (mostly because neither one of us can shut up). We usually put things to bed quickly, but we might snipe at each other again if we're still feeling bitchy. (And I'm not using an * because we're all grown ups here and I'm feeling bitchy today!)

I don't know what suggestions you're looking for -- how not to be emotional and grouchy from time to time? Or how to help your husband get over it? Either way, you are who you are and he is who he is. I'm kind of surprised he's so thin skinned and he's never experienced it before -- but my husband and I are both hot blooded Sicilians, so we roll with the punches pretty easily.

i definitely know how it is to act a certain way (and yes, i do blame it on hormones - also the stress of being the mom and wife and everything else we supermoms are expected to be) and watching yourself do it as though you are an innocent bystander rather than the participant - i swear once i was having an out of body experience. i could no more stop what was coming out of my mouth than if it was another person standing ten feet away. weird feeling! and not in a good way lol.

luckily i have a husband who is imperfect as well, and has his own temper outbursts from time to time. and we are blessed in that, in a way, because we both understand.

i'm a little surprised that your husband can take a week or so to get over one uncontrolled outburst? that seems a little over the top to me. i get that we are supposed to be mature and control ourselves and treat each other with respect. but i think we as married people should be a little bit more forgiving and understanding when our partner makes a mistake. but that's just me. there is something freeing about being able to express one's frustration/anger in an honest, open way, without having to worry about a week long rift between husband and wife if one is accidentally honest. if that makes sense.

i would talk to him and yes, acknowledge that you screwed up...but dang. it can't ruin your relationship for a week when something like this happens. if he is secure in your marriage and in your love for him i don't see why it should go that far. forgive and forget. you should feel free to be YOU, and he should accept that. it's not a reflection on your feelings for him. it's just life. i disagree that there is no previous baggage. maybe not due to his prior marriage, but to me, no, it's not normal to hang onto something so trivial for a week. something seems to be going on there.

BUT. everyone has their own version of "normal". it's not a bad thing that you guys go to such extreme lengths to be polite and considerate :) it's your way. so maybe just hug and work through it. each relationship is different. this is definitely not a "right" or "wrong" situation...it's just how you are as a couple. nothing wrong with that.

If it makes him feel bad, then stop. You *can* control yourself. I don't care if he is too sensitive, marriage is about honoring each other. I refuse to make your husband's feelings invalid based on how *I* think your husband should take it.

Sorry if I seem too blunt, but my FIL says terribly hurtful things and then claims to not be able to control himself. I called BS on him and guess what? He can control his mouth and his attitude! No one held him accountable before. He still acts nasty sometimes, but we call him on it right away and he is training himself to keep his mouth shut when he knows that he doesn't want to say anything nice.

Making other people feel bad just because we feel bad is not okay. I understand physical issues, bad days, grumpiness, etc. but we shouldn't hurt the people we love.

Treat this as an opportunity for personal growth. I am saying this to you because I would want someone to be honest with me if I were acting in an unkind way.

Okay, me and Hubby have tough skins. And we are very blunt people who are very expressive and have a lot of knowledge about adjectives.
Now, we BOTH... can tell each other if things irk us, and we both can vent. Everyone needs to vent. But there are right and wrong ways to do it. Then there is how each person is, individually and by now, I KNOW what offends my Husband and he knows that about me too. And we both, are strong about making our points.
But so, over the years of being married for 15 years... we have recently gotten more sophisticated about it. Not that we are perfect, but we communicate, better now.

If I am just irked for no reason and irritable and PMS'ing... and I need to just spew something off my chest or if I just need to vent about whatever... I say: "Honey, I am in a bad mood, I just need to vent, this is not about you, I just need to vent then I'll be fine..." Then he looks at me and he knows how I just need to get things off my chest and vent... and he'll say "Okay, so tell me..." Then he will give me a moment while I vent or whatever, and then I will say "Okay, thanks for listening, I'm done...." and then if he has something to add or say... then he will. But at that point it is not personal. It is just opinions. And he will say "I'm not criticizing you... I'm just sayin'...." and he'll say it. Or he will tell me "Try not to take this the wrong way but..." and he will say it. Or we both will say "This is just my opinion, I may be wrong, don't take it personally but...." and then we say whatever.

It is all about, how you frame... what you are saying or going to say.
I have found, that with me and my Husband, that this helps a lot and clarifies things and makes the conversation better. Not a fight.

AND if you know you tend to be ill toned when you speak, then work on that. My Husband told me that once. And I know it true. You have to be willing to admit it. Without fighting about it. The person is just giving you a head's up. Especially if you are offending or hurting the Husband's feelings.
I am sure, that BY now... he knows that about you... your tone of voice needs improvement, no matter what mood you are in.
So work on it.
Everyone needs self-improvement... without having to be defensive about it. Just acknowledge, it.

And your Husband does not like your tone. He finds it very prickly. And unpleasant. My Hubby was like that. I grew up in a very opinionated home. I was used to it. But not my Husband. So... I have humbled myself and learned... that certain tones... irk or upset my Husband, even if I never meant to offend him.
Its just about being aware of yourself... and learning to... modulate your tones of voice.
We as parents EXPECT our kids to do that... but what about us?
We need to learn that too.

And sure, it takes your Husband TIME to get over your tone of voice and attitude that is associated with it. BUT HE TRIES. So give him credit for that. Even though, your tones of voice and attitude, to him... is really disturbing.

The tone of voice a person speaks in, DOES affect others. So admit that.
The tone of voice a person has, really does impact others and conveys a certain personality to others.

And you also have to admit, that when you are grumpy, you get this way.
So either try to rise above it, or talk when you can more pleasantly.
And as you said, most of the men you dated, had this same issue with you. So YOU have to try and improve your own reactions, when you are grumpy.
If someone did that to you all the time they were grumpy..... would you like it? Its sort of a turn off.

Try to be aware of when you're feeling grumpy, then remove yourself before you open your mouth.

When I'm having a crabby day, I give my family a heads up about my mood then spend time alone reading in my room, heading out for a long walk, or other activity that keeps me busy and alone.

First, I love that you didn't print your swears. That's a way of controlling your expression and after all, isn't that what you're working on?

I appreciate your questioning how you can improve your times of snarkiness. Been there. Years ago I had to come to terms with the fact that my husband was so sweet and dear and that I really hurt him with my "tone". I worked very hard to not snark at him and when I did I apologized immediately. I also had to learn to wait for him to forgive me. I initiated more than one conversation about how I knew I had this habit and that I was working on it. The thing is, I got less snarky over time. I learned to edit myself. When I think about it, I wonder why anyone would hurt the one they love. I guess I just felt safe and used him as an outlet. Now, I'm so glad I am less nasty in tone. It's not easy, but you can do it, because you want to! All my best to you.

Generally, I know when I'm in a bad mood. Usually I'm pretty even-keel and not much gets to me, but when that's not the case, I put myself in time-out. I'll go for a walk, or take a hot shower, or lock myself in my room and read for a little while, until I'm in a better frame of mind. We all have our moments, but the key is to recognize that you're in no condition to be speaking to others, and do something about it before you snap.