Ok So I Ruined My Child, Now What??

I think 7 is a little too young to be summing up her life in a nutshell, don't you?

Leave her alone. Help IF she asks.
Let her complete her work.
Help her to organize her school things.
Other than that--let her do it her way, in her time, which will change over time.
Praise her for her effort--not her grades.

Not to minimize this, but EVERY parent feels like they have "ruined" their child at some point. Good for you for recognizing the situation and wanting to change it.

Best of luck!

First off, I've been where you are now. My own mother drilled me incessantly when it came time for homework, quizzes before tests, and spelling tests. So, during homework time with my own son (8), I realized I was turning into her, when my son started to cry. That did it for me.

I turned to him, and said that I was wrong. That I make mistakes ,too. I should know better to upset him, especially when he is trying to hard to get the right answer. Instead of figuring it out on his own, first. I told him I was sorry for upsetting him. So, I told him that instead of me sitting with him constantly when he would do his homework, I would leave the room. I would help him with the directions to his assignment, and then I would allow him room to figure out the answer on his own. Without me harping him.

If he needed help, he would ask me. If I found myself starting to get frustrated, I would leave the room for a minute. It does no good for me to sit their frustrated, and then having him know I was frustrated, and then, have him start to cry.

My mother pounded perfection with me, and I am guilty of doing the same. At least you are recognizing it now, and trying to correct it.

Since I started this, I have noticed that homework time goes a lot smoother, and my son is starting to feel more confident in himself and his answers. If they are wrong, I put a check and tell him to try this one again. If he needs my help, I will offer it. I also tell him every day how wonderful and smart he is, and I can't stress how important that is to a child.

Awesome of you to be so insightful and willing to acknowledge this. I'm pretty sure I'll find things out after my daughter spends years in therapy and tells me what I did. :-) Seriously, I'm impressed by your post.

Awesome replies already, but I'll add my two cents. I don't know that I'd throw myself on the sword and tell your daughter that you are so sorry. I think I'd let actions speak louder than words. As she is doing homework or a project, make the effort to shift the focus from the result to the effort. Little comments as she is working about how proud you are of the ideas she is coming up with, or how she should be so proud of herself for working that problem out. Then at test time, reassure her that you know how hard she worked on studying for this test and you know she will do the best she can do. She'll start to see that your comments are focused on her daily efforts, not on the end goal.

If you really need to confess to her, then just simply tell her something like 'mommy started to get too worried about your test grade and forgot that the most important thing is how great you are at learning and working problems out. I know if you listen in class and do your work, you'll do great no matter what, and we'll be proud of you no matter what'. Kids do need to know that they are expected to work in school, but that it's not just the grade that matters, it's their effort in it.

She will totally be fine, and so will you!

I wouldn't say "ruined". You're too hard on yourself! Listen to your own description of yourself. Maybe you need to give everybody a break.

I recently found out that my 4 yr old got it into her head that I don't love her when she is in time out. I told her NOOO! I love her all the time, just don't always LIKE her behavior. Oy.

So....I'd sit down with your DD and apologize and thank her for being honest. Then I'd work with her on how to make homework time better. Is this something where you review it while she's not in the room? Where someone else handles homework? Where you sit down and work on being calm and make it your homework to work with HER as HER needs require?

My SD is good at math, but when she was in 3rd or 4th grade, you wouldn't know it from the battles at the kitchen table. The way my DH thinks is just not the way SD thinks and they would fight. I got involved and I was able to explain the math to SD in a way that didn't get anybody upset and in a way she understood. It was sooo much better for all if I did her math with her vs DH. So that's why I suggest if someone else might be better, to try it. And SD was stubborn. So if she really didn't want to correct it, then she owned that bad grade that she got later, and she knew the long term consequences of bringing home a C or worse for the marking period. Sometimes you just need to back off and let them deal with their own choices.

Please try to remember that everybody has faults and talents. I am no better than my sister who was never in GT. In fact, I think she's more talented than me in many ways.

Praise both kids for doing their personal best. If she gets As and Bs in her level of class, then that's terrific! And if he gets As and Bs in his, that's also terrific! It doesn't dilute her A if she's "only" at grade level. She's still working hard and doing well. Yay for DD!

Also look for other talents. My sister is very artistic and I'm about stick figure level. I commissioned a painting from her because I think it's just that cool. What else can you focus on with your DD instead of comparing her to her brother?

My SD has a high-achieving older brother. I actually had a teacher at the Open House her 8th grade year ignore me until wanted to ask how SS was doing. I was floored. I wasn't there for him! He graduated! I was mad on SD's behalf. SD ended up going to a different HS than he did because she wanted to be her own person and hated being compared to him. She's not going to an honors college. She didn't get a big academic scholarship. She didn't take as many AP classes. But she IS going to college, she IS getting a good education and she IS doing what she's good at. We're just pleased that she's doing what's right for HER.

So try to let DD be her own person. Tell her what you wrote about her art and how you love her and mean it. Do something together that has nothing to do with grades.

And remember, we are all just human. Dust off. Try again. NO parent is perfect. Not a one.

I was going to suggest the exact course of action Kade S did.
You have not ruined her - I just learned that the word crisis is rooted in the greek/latin (can't remember which) for opportunity!
This "oops" or "family crisis" could be the perfect opportunity for you to connect with your daughter, and show what grace under pressure looks like!

You didn't "ruin" her, but you are hurting her - which you know and are wanting to fix so take a deep breath and stop beating yourself up so you can move forward. Counseling for you - if you know you're putting her through an unhealthy amount of stress and that you can't accept her for who she is, get HELP so you can stop this destructive behavior and attitude thing ASAP. Kids pick up EVERYTHING.

Academics are not everything. What is the point of having a straight A student who is a big jerk? Better to have a well rounded kiddo. And some of the best business owners were C students - they may not have excelled in school, but they knew how to get things done in the REAL world.

Being a great student has nothing to do with being "the best that she can be". It's just being a great student. Somehow you need to find a way to step back and really see her for who she is, see how hard she works, and accept that. If you have to get outside help/counseling to do it, go for it. Maybe even talk to the school counselor at the school - it's possible they run into this kind of thing with parents and can help you.

Whoa, back up the bus! You did not ruin your child!! Lord I thought this would be a story like my youngest. I allowed her dad to put her on a mood stabilizer because they fought all the time and it almost gave her permanent brain damage!! I say in the hospital room saying I broke her! That is breaking your child and even she is fine now!

My kids will tell you I am a hard mom to please, I do not compliment often and I do not compliment unless it is earned. Expecting excellence from your children doesn't ruin them!

What you are probably seeing is sibling roles. Siblings try to differentiate themselves from one another. It is how you react to that that counts. Your oldest has set his sights on grades she is art so take pleasure in her art. I doubt she is average it is just grades are not her focus.

So my advice, figure out where her heart is and take pleasure in that. It sounds like that is art but you know her better than me. :) And remember you didn't break her!!!

Let her read this post.........
Knowing that you are not perfect, might make her feel better about now being perfect either.
Take out the part of - This is a blatant horrible confession but a part of me is really sad that she may just be an "average" students. I feel horrible admitting that but it is true.

Are you comfortable with your child's teacher? Is she competent, caring and experienced? If so, then take what you have written and talk to the teacher. They will guide you in how to turn this around. I have done a very similar thing to my daughter and have caused a lot of anxiety around tests for her. The teacher helped me implement new approaches at home so I did not stress her out. I was too focused on the end result and not the process of learning, taking our time, exploring, etc. I'll try to find my emails from her and copy what's relevant.

Help her nurture her talents. Sign her up for some art classes. Give her just as much attention for her creative outlets as you give your son for his academic performance.

Please don't think you've ruined your little girl. You have not! You love her, keep that in mind. There is a lot you can do. But whatever you decide, start and end in Love. She needs lots of warmth. Let her see that your love is always available by giving it to her generously. Forgive yourself, let it go. Start new. Find a good book or such you can work with to begin changing your actions. Start with mental firm deccisons.

Be kind to yourself first and foremost and when she sees that you're changing she'll change too. Change the motive. It may not happen right away. Children are very flexible and she is still being molded. Be her model/example. Won't be easy.

I know how you feel, really I do, but please let yourself 'grieve and move on for your own sake and sanity and her's.

Take Care and God's Blessings

Start by admitting your failures to her. Maybe not by admitting you hold her to her brothers standards but maybe just to high standards. Tell her you'll work on being better if she will work on doing better in school by not rushing through things and so on.

Don't beat yourself up...we all make parenting mistakes. Its confronting them and how we fix them that matters.

I would start by apologizing to her and acknowledging your fault in her problems. Start by reviewing the many points made in your post.

Then, maybe, ask her how you can support her in school and support her in homework. If she says, "You can support me by never asking about school or looking at my homework", comply for a time and then revisit the conversation.

Students are all different. Personally, I thrive in environments with high pressure. My husband, however, and my son need to take things slow and without added pressure. So, it requires a lot of discipline not to push my son too much becuase it only makes him insecure.

Yep - first have a martini. And a hug.

Now - realize that different people are capable of having different roles to their kids. Maybe you should be mommy and not teacher? Get someone else to help her with her homework.... It's not about YOU being and doing everything for your kids.... it's about you getting them what they need.

Next - cut YOURSELF some slack. Your daughter will only learn how to cut herself slack if she sees that you are able to re-assess, course correct and move on. This is a GREAT teachable moment. One that can be extremely powerful for her and steer her back toward a healthy self-accepting future. But she has to see it in YOU first.

It is great that you realize what you have done while your daughter is still so young. I believe that you can absolutely reverse the damage that your outlook has done to both her AND your son. I highly recommend this book as exactly what you need to help you going forward. I am reading it now and learning so much.
Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success:

http://www.amazon.com/Teach-Your-Children-Well-Parenting/...

JM, can you hire someone to help her do her homework? Perhaps a high school student - some cool, nice girl who you tell that you need a "mother's helper". Tell her that you'll pay her $7 an hour for her to come over after school and be with your daughter. Give her a schedule. First, a little downtime - 20 minutes. (No TV or electronics, though.) Outdoor play would be ideal. Then sit down to do homework.

Maybe she could stay an hour a day, or maybe two hours a day if you can afford the expense. (No Starbucks would pay for half of it!)

That way, no homework pressure from you. Let the TEACHER tell her not to turn in her classwork undone. (That's something you need to work out with the teacher.) While the high schooler is working with your daughter, get your housework done. After she leaves, you have some stress-free time with your daughter.

You don't have to do this forever, but it would break the cycle that you have realized is going on, and both of you would feel better. I would continue it while her teacher is trying to change the way she handles the classroom, as well.

Good luck!
Dawn

She is only 7. Its not like you realized this when she was 40. Its ok. Looks like your really hard on yourself too. Perhaps some books, therapy and guidence from someone who can teach you how to handle expetations. I am sure these other mommas will know what direction to point you in. Just realize you are doing a great job by recognizing you put your kid slightly out of wack and there is still time to fix it. The best thing a parent could do is " be the best that she can be". Even if your child had disablities you still push your child to be the best they can be. With out thinking they were going to win the gold in the olympics. Your recognizing the bar needs to be lowered for her. Also recognize the bar can be lowred for you too. Its ok were human we make mistakes. Its the adjustment and how we handle those mistakes that make up for the mistakes!!!

You have not ruined her! You are a great mom because you are aware now of what the issues might be. You can work together to problem solve and she will be better for it!

Didn't read the other answers. Oh don't worry we all have our moments. Just let her know that you are noticing how artistic she is and that you are letting up on some of the other things. If you are so inclined 'I'm sorry' never hurts.And let her know you realize that perhaps this is the case. Let her know what you told us. We all just want our children to be successful. And she is. My own children are an example of this. My older son actually got a degree in engineering and the younger is struggling along. Walaaa he has been in numerous shows in fantabulous parts and may I boast a little will play a rather large part in a well known Christmas show soon. They grow up in spite of us, don't they?

I can kind of relate... I think like any behaviour you want to change, you just have to keep reminding yourself. I'm in a hyper competitive area where every child is a "genius'. Look at this board - how many people say how smart their child is? Every toddler is "advanced." Hardly anyone ever says their child is average. Yet - likely many of them are! And that's ok. I've seen in my work that lots of people who didn't go to fancy schools have done very very well financially. I'm talking millions a year. Same time, some people we hire from ivy league schools don't do well at all. They don't have enough people skills or common sense or believe it or not a strong enough work ethic, modesty etc. So who knows how things will turn out for our kdis. Your daughter could end up doing better professionally than your son. I also think how my mom was always just pleasantly surprised by how I did academically. I did do very well but I certainly wasn't #1 in my class. I think her laid back attitude drove very few conflicts between us. Part of me thinks this is bc she didn't go to college so I was doing better than her just by going to college. Not that she's not smart - just a different generation etc. For my daughter to do better academically than me won't be as easy as I have advanced degrees etc. So I am very consciously not going to compare her to me. And I remind myself that end of the day, happiness is the goal and that's not always reached via a big job and money. I also look at my SIL who is well below average intelligence and think how thrilled my inlaws would have been for her to be just average... So I'd just take a step back. Be enthusiastic with her and remember she is 7. I have to say 3rd grade is starting off very differently for my daugher and I. I also hated hated hated homework time in 2nd grade. All of a sudden my daughter is way more independent and enthusiastic about her homework. So things may change with time and if not, reset expectations. Remind yourself of the ultimate goal - a happy child who grows into a happy adult. At 7, you have not ruined her. But good you're thinking that you want to change things.

Ok, relax, I dont think you "ruined" her. I too get frustrated doing school work with my daughter, and all I tell her is "Thank God Im not a teacher!" I dont know how they do it.
It is good that you recognize that your children are both very different, so, you have to treat them differently.
Comparing them will do no good. Like you said she is great in other ways than your other child, and thats fine!
I think you are too hard on yourself as well.