This may be a loaded question, so I am apologizing up front.
Do other single mother's have difficulty with their older children? Specifically how they speak to you and respect your home?
All my children are grown and as they have gotten older (early 30's) they seem to feel that they need to speak to me without any respect and yell at me when their lives don't go well. I brought them up to be self sufficient, but if there is a problem it is my fault because "I'm not there for them". I am tired of telling them that they are adults and need to stand on their own 2 feet, pay their own bills and if they can't pay for their rent - move somewhere where they can. I closed the bank-o-mom long ago but they get angry if they find out I did something for me. I am a successful businesswoman and for some reason, they think I need to keep supporting them. WRONG!
Are there other mothers out there like me? What do you do to cope? It is getting more stressful by the day. I ignore them when I can, but at the end of the day, they are still my children.
**Update** I don't pay anything for them at all - have not for years - I didn't mean to imply that I did. My issue is that they speak to me without any respect and chastise me if they have problems. I have been telling them for years to pay their bills or do without. Now when they see me with anything new, they yell. I have told 2 of them to go away and not come back or call if they can't speak to me as their mother - with respect. They say they are adults and can talk to me as they please. I disagree because I will always be their parent and I do not speak to my mother that way.
Where did this sense of entitlement come from? As I said before, I didn't raise them this way. Most of the time, I am content to not hear or speak to my children but that feels uncomfortable. On the other hand, if something in their lives isn't working, I don't want to be yelled at because I am not doing things for them and they think I should be doing something to help them since I have the means to do so (but I don't which is why they yell).
I appreciate all the comments. Many of you are speaking from where I am and I see that. Thanks. It is somewhat helpful to see others where I am. I did talk with a professional who said to ride it out and that I was doing what was best but also indicated that it was going to be a tough road. I agree - it is. Blessings to you all.
Since they are acting like kids, treat them like kids. Hold them at an arms length until they can get ahold of themselves and act like the adults they are. Every once in a while, let them know you love them and don't change a thing until they can be respectful.
My kids are 25 and 21. The 25 year old is on her own and has her own job. We do not support her at all. If I want to do something for her I will but it is never expected. She might make a comment about what we do for her brother and I have to remind her that when she was in college we helped support her as well. She tends to "forget" that.
The 21 year old is in college and we do pay for that and his housing, like we did for our daughter. He does have a job and will use that to buy things. Our kids do appreciate the things we do but they also understand that the gravy train isn't going to be open forever. We have started doing things for ourselves over the last several years. Our son is the one who will make the most comments. I just look at him and say "hey, she who makes the money, makes the rules" and then I smile and walk out of the room.
Your kids are in their early 30s. Yes they are your kids and always will be but I would also tell them that my job is done and anything they do is their responsibility and any consequences suffered is on them, then hug them and walk out of the room. Disengage.
Do this a couple of times and they will finally get the point. Hopefully!!!
Good luck! You think once they get older, it should get easier and that is not always the case!!!
It's clearly time for them to put on their big boy and big girl pants. Grown folks handle their own.
Your money is your business. Direct them to a financial planner and be done with it and them.
IF and only if you want to help but the first thing you need to do is let them manage their personal crisis without your financial input. It will hurt but if your child has a broken arm that needs to be set. It is painful but necessary. Cutting them off from you purse strings and then cutting your heart off from the pain of not helping them is so important. They need to learn they can stand on their own without you as their crutch.
Don't ignore them just simply say no, I can't help you and I'm sorry you are going through that and what other solutions do you have and direct them to a certified financial planner but your money is your money no need for guilt or apologies.
Oh, yes. This is an age-old problem. I adopted tough love quite a few years ago. My daughter is 33 and she has FINALLY gotten it. Nothing in her life is my fault. No, I wasn't a perfect parent, but no one has a perfect parent and there are lots of stories out there of kids who had horrible lives and turned their lives into something wonderful. So, I no longer accept that responsibility. If she doesn't like something, it's up to her to change it. I spent years telling her "YOU control your own destiny." She has finally taken that to heart and no longer complains to me or expects me to fix things for her.
You need tough love as well. Listen to their complaints, say things like "I'm sorry that's happening to you" or "I'm sorry you find yourself in that position" but I don't offer any suggestions because if I do, she will lay responsibility for the outcome at my feet. So, I'm "here" for her, but not open to accepting responsibility.
As for them getting mad when you do something for yourself, again tough love attitude. Tell them you can't take it with you and you intend to spend it ALL before you go. They need to get used to the idea because this is the time of life that YOU GET TO TAKE CARE OF YOU and they get to take care of them. That's how life works. Their time will come after they've paid their dues!
I suggest you may be perpetuating their attitude by commmenting back. You keep telling them to change which seems to me to also be telling them that you're still parenting them. I would try ignoring their comments and would only spend time with them when I was enjoying that time.
My adult daughter and I were frequently sharing angry words. A counselor suggested I was too involved in her life. I still had a stake in who she was and her decisions. When she whined I told her how to fix it. I made suggestions on how to solve problems and make life better. She would be angry and yell at me. I'd yell back.
Over time I learned to just listen without making any comment at all. When she yelled at me I left with only saying something like, I'm going now. I stopped trying to be what I thought of as being helpful. Eventually my daughter learned I expected respect. She learned this through my actions of not engaging with her when she was disrespectful and actually leaving. We had a few difficult months.
It was difficult for me to let go of wanting to fix our relationship. We had a pattern of long standing of fighting. The wait was worth it. We are good friends now. In a way I'm no longer her mother. She doesn't need a mother as much as a friend. She is and adult who needs to make her own mistakes and weather the consequences knowing I empathize and cannot fix life for her.
A change in the way you word things may help too. A book entitled Non-violent Communication helped me. You can see what that is like by googling non-violent communication. Another skill that I had difficulty using with my daughter was using I statements along with a sincere soft answer such as "I'm sorry you feel that way." And then leaving without getting sucked into an argument.
My daughter works and isresponsible with her money and still she needs financial aassistance which I choose to give her. Our fights were not about money. If your children are struggling I suggest your empathy will go a long way towards gaining their respect. When I think about the way you tell them to "stand on their own two feet" and to "pay their bills" this sounds disrespectful on your part. It's definitely ok to choose to not give them money. It is not helpful for your relationship to not recognize their struggle and be flip, even cruel about it. Even if they are making poor decisions and in your opinion should not expect help from you, you can still be kind.
Perhaps their attitude isn't as much about the money as itis looking for your love and emotional support.
Were you a single mom when they were growing up? Is it possible that you indulged them a bit out of guilt? I'm a divorced (remarried) mom myself so I know how easy it is to do that.
Perhaps this is just a habit of theirs? Are they really looking of emotional support and they translate that to $$ or stuff due to the way they were raised?
It is important to have healthy boundaries with adult kids. I have one son who is 20, and he still lives at home. That being said, he works many hours and he is trying to get another business off the ground. He bought his own car and carries his own insurance. I've tried to stop the "mommy" stuff over the last year or two. I think he will move out in the next year or two and that is fine.
If I were you I'd be as loving and emotionally supportive as possible, while trying to wean them off the financial teat. There is a great book out there called "The Millionaire Next Door" where the author asserts that - based on his research - adult children who receive help from their parents actually have LESS earning capacity. And it makes sense. They don't learn those skills when they don't have to.
It's tough and I can empathize with you. Read up on boundaries. Also, make sure you express your love and admiration for all that they have already accomplished. Stop being goaded into negativity.
Good luck.
Your money is yours to do with as you please, and if they don't like it, that's their circus, their monkey.
Good advice from everyone below. Stand your ground. I like the phrase "The bank of mom is closed." You can preface that with, "I love you, but..."
State, repeat if necessary.
I don't think you need to say anything about their inheritance (although I agree with the poster who said you should have a ball with your own money) -- I think it would sound spiteful if you mentioned their inheritance and it would minimize and hinder the message that they are old enough to stand on their own two feet, which is what you are trying to accomplish.
Let them scream. When they do, walk away or hang up the phone.
Tell it is your money and you can do with it what you please as you make it. They can go find a second job to make up the difference that is missing.
Demand respect and tell them that up front. The bank of mom is closed and no comments are to be made about who or how or what was spent by me on me.
Enjoy your life. They have left the nest and the nest has fallen apart and gone. Yes you birthed them but so did the mother bird who pushed hers out the nest after a said time. Now fly away freely and enjoy your freedom.
the other S.
PS Any inheritance they would have received you can tell them they have already gotten and used up.
I'm actually surprised by how many 30 somethings rely on their parents to help them! A good friend got her first house from her FIL, and then had her parents help pay for the second house (she used the equity on the first house to pay off college debt). I just kept scratching my head, wondering when she was going to grow up. Her parents buy her kids all their clothes, etc. it's just crazy.
A friend's brother uses her parents for daycare. i asked if they paid them (as her parents had to short sell their house to come live near their son), and she told me no. I was stunned!
Sorry that I don't have any advice. If it was me, I'd just say," you are an adult now. Grow up!"
Yes. My son was asking for gas money today-to get to work tomorrow. I thought this very same thing. They operate on guilt. I get paid through the summer (not much but it covers a little extra and I am the insurance guy in the house). I decided to stay home. When I told him he should get a job, he said well aren't you getting paid during the summer? Egads I have worked over forty years. So he finally became somewhat employed. He just got this job after a very long time sitting at home. He did go to school. He is successful acting in plays there all the time. So I told myself it was ok when I gave him monety. He is bipolar, so I feel guilty all the time. He takes medicine for it and is doing well. He is living with us. I love your term...Bank o Mom I am not a single mother but I divorced and remarried some twenty years ago. How much longer do I have pay for that?Yikes.
Oh and my other son moved out, went into the service, and works and works. Go figure. Same mom, same bank o Mom, different terms.
Wow. I can't imagine in my 30's still having expected any financial help from my parents at all... I do have a friend though who has always been horrible with money and her parents have to kind of bail her out sometimes. They have plenty of money so I can see how she feels a little bit to her isn't going to hurt them but she does create her own problems. So if that's the case with yours vs just really bad luck, tell yourself they need to learn to stop overspending. It's for their own good. Also, unless they know how much money you have exactly and it's enough to support you to age 95 without ever having to work again, tell them while you have money now, you just can't afford to keep helping. Do they know how much you make exactly? Show them how much assisted living costs. It's really really expensive! Tell them you are saving for that. Ask if they want you living with them for 10 or 20 years when you're unable to care for yourself and will need them to change your diapers. Exaggerating but there is some potential truth there. And if they get mad when you spend money on yourself, just remind them when you were their age you were doing xyz and not getting money from your parents so their comparison is just flawed. Start pointing out and make it up if you need to, kids of your friends who are buying their parents things! I spent nice money on my parents in my 30's! Get angry back at them in return that they're not treating you to things - just to make a point...
I have friends who have multiple children, some as many as 10. If there kids have a legitimate need they take care of it for them. They raised their kids to be independent adults too so they know if life kicks them in the hiney they can and will be there for their kids.
I know of one family that has 9 kids, all married to good spouses. The moms all stay at home and the husbands all have good jobs or are college students. Medical school, grad school, getting educations so they can be excellent providers in the not too distant future.
My friends decided long ago that if their daughters wanted to be SAHM's they would help them when there was need. They'd rather the moms stayed home as long as they could so they saved as much as they could so they'd have money to contribute. Their sons were told that having an education so they could be good providers was their first job and that mom and dad would help them when needed.
Of course the kids did every thing they could. I don't think they took advantage of the mom and dad. They did everything they could to take care of their problems themselves. I know mom and dad gave them food storage for Christmas every year. They always had food and things like that they needed.
Another friend does this too. Her son is a dental student and is married with 3 kids. Mom and dad help them every month.
One for friend story then I'll move on. This friend is a single mom of 4 boys and 1 girl. The kids are all married. One couple are full time students and they live in their family home with mom while they're going to school. They help doing all the harder chores.
I think that it depends on how you were raised.
Right now I am out of money, we've already been to the pawn shop this month. We just don't have anything left, just this month though. Next month we'll be okay.
My daughter is out of money. She's a full time student and her financial aid is messed up, they aren't sure when she'll get it for her summer classes.
She is out of diapers and running low on food. Her DHS worker is on vacation and no one else will let her fill out any assistance papers for additional help this month.
I can't send her a penny of money. I would if I had it. She's doing very well and staying on track with her education and staying clean and sober.
My ex, on the other hand, is a tight wad. He makes about $30 an hour and his wife makes about the same. They live in a moderate home and have cars they've been driving for at least 5 years. They live frugally.
They make hundreds of dollars per day together and they won't send my daughter $20 to buy a box of diapers. The child care center has been working with the toddler/preschool age kiddo to potty train but he's just not ready. Chances are he'll eventually have a diagnosis and an IEP or at the very least a 504 plan. He can't even start the 3 year old program at head start this fall due to potty training.
She is struggling and it's not her fault. She would normally have her financial aid to pay for her needs and not need any assistance. But this summer it's messed up.
He won't help her a bit. All this is doing is festering resentment and anger. I can't help this month and she's angry at me but understands. She has a true need, not a frivolous thing. She doesn't go get her hair or nails done, doesn't go out every night, she goes to school and goes home.
There's no reason he shouldn't help her. But he won't. So she is doing without. This isn't something that has no consequences either. That kid is going to pee on the floor, pee on the bed at bedtime, pee his clothes and she is in an apartment without a washer and dryer. So by not having diapers her furniture and flooring are going to be saturated. Who'd want to live in that?
She normally gets her financial aid and buys months worth of supplies. Note please, she just ran out this week and has received no money for summer yet.
She just used up the ones she got with her spring financial aid. She's frugal too.
Don't continue to enable these ADULTS. As long as you keep giving them money, paying their bills, jumping in constantly to "save" them, they will let you, unless you stop it. How you spend your money is your business. I wouldn't keep explaining anything to them. Say, "No!" mean it and move on. If they get mad, so be it.
Your kids are taking advantage of you and you train people how to treat you. It is time for some tough love. They need to develop better skills at being more self-reliant and independent. Good luck.
