Older Teen Guests Helping Themselves to Your Food Without Asking.

My older daughter has a friend like that. She's not too bright, to be honest, and I think her social skills are "off" but I just let it go. Lucky for me she hardly ever comes by anymore!
Do you think she's truly hungry? If she's asking to take eggs home maybe she's not getting enough to eat there, which is sad :-(

I don't think it's a big deal unless she is eating an entire box of cereal and gallon of milk so there isn't any for us the next morning. If this has been going on for so long and it bothered you, you should have said, hey, can you ask me first if you need a snack so I can let you know what we have available? My kids are 14 and 11 and I have a crate in the pantry that I keep snacks in and all the kids can help themselves to anything AFTER they have asked me first. I only have that rule because the same applies to my own kids. They always ask me first for anything except a glass of water. I usually ok it unless it's close to meal time. So don't freak out so much about this. Yes it's rude, but YOU let it continue on for so long that now it's embarrassing for everyone, mostly you. Good luck.

when we had 2 teenagers in the house and were 'the house' where everyone hung out, our grocery bill was outrageous. we didn't demand that the kids ask first, it was far easier on ME just to let them forage for themselves.
and forage they did. it was worth it- i loved those days of the house being full of shouts and laughter and conversation and deep, wonderful discussions. but we paid for it!
now, i'm not saying i was always relaxed and groovy about it. in addition to the cost, there was the constant aggravation of going to grab something i knew was there the day before, but the ravening hordes had come through and cleaned me out. many exasperated sighs, many naughty words.
but i would never have dreamed of doing one single solitary thing to make those wonderful kids feel unwelcome in my home. it was worth every penny, and every sigh.
i'm with your DD.
khairete
S.

Oops, sorry she must have gone to my house one time and mixed up. I always say, I"ll serve you the first and then you'll have to help yourself after that. Saved me years of waiting on people.
Since it is only one of your daughter's friends you might celebrate the fact that you didn't have sons who brought home entire football teams doing this. Alas, they are all grown up and the food grows stale...

If your daughter told the truth to this girl -- that you are not okay with this -- then how is that "throwing you under the bus"?

You need to learn to be okay with voicing your boundaries. If this bothers you, YOU should be the one to say it, not your daughter. Don't blame your daughter for saying what you should have said.

You need to learn how to be comfortable saying no, and you also need to learn to allow your daughter to be annoyed with you. "Can I take some eggs home?" "Sorry, we are going to eat them." "Sally, would you mind asking me before eating things? Thanks."

I've always allowed kids and young people free access to my fridge and pantry, but there's nothing wrong with you not being comfortable with that. Young people have to get used to everyone having different rules and boundaries, and to learn manners.

I hope my kids' friends feel comfortable enough at my house to do that.

It would annoy me if my daughter's friends asked me every time they wanted something to eat or drink. My response would be help yourself:)

I had a few friends that we just walked into each others houses called each others parents mom and dad. We were so close that they were offended when we asked for something. But the way I also see it if she is living on her own or something and can not afford to eat (which may be the case you never asked and your daughter nay know) then why not offer her some eggs to take home. It's just a bowl of cereal not like she is getting prime rib and eating it

A main goal for me is to really get to know my kids' close friends. I am thrilled that my daughter's bestie is at our house a ton and I am even more thrilled she feels comfortable enough to help herself to things in the kitchen. In fact I take it as a compliment of sorts that she feels comfortable around us. I know there are different strokes for different folks. Sounds like it makes you feel disrespected. Do you like the friend otherwise? Do you know if she gets enough to eat at her house? Perhaps there isn't enough there. I had a friend growing up that didn't get enough food at his house so he would eat a ton at our house. Bottom line I would set things up in a way that makes you comfortable and not resent the visitors. I wouldn't leave it up to your kids to say something. Your rules your house.Can you say something like "Hey Mary, we love having ya around here and want you to keep coming around. Just so you know, at our house I would like guests to ask me for permission before helping themselves to something. "

My daughter's friends (and my friends) are welcome at my home and if they want something to eat, they are welcome to eat if they are hungry. I want to get to know my daughter's friends and I am happy they feel comfortable enough to come to my house and make themselves at home.

I have always told all guests in my home to help themselves if they are hungry or thirsty. I will be in the kitchen preparing meals for mealtime but I am not staying in the kitchen 24/7 to make sure someone has what they want to eat. They are welcome to my fridge and pantry. It is part of being a hostess in my eyes.

I feel complimented when my daughter's friends WANT to be at my house. I've always had a houseful of children and I loved it because I know what they are doing. She is in college now and living in her own condo and I miss the times I had a houseful of teens.

Maybe your daughter's friend does not have access to healthy food or any food for that matter wherever she lives, or maybe her parents micro control every piece of food in the house as in sounds like you do.

I can't imagine locking a pantry or fridge so a child could not eat if they were hungry. That is cruel.

I loved it when my daughter dated the leading football player. I could count on getting my fridge cleaned out by the team at least once a week!

I am going to look at this from a different angle. I think this young lady feels very comfortable in your home, perhaps she thinks of you as family and that is why she is so relaxed about this particular behavior. In that light it is kind of a compliment to your family. That doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to be bothered by it. If something bothers you, find a clear, very kind, but direct way to explain a house rule. Then she will know. I am this way when I have house guests who waste water because we live in California. I mention the drought and nicely ask for careful water use and short showers. I do not make it about money, but about resources. If you said something like "Could you let me know if you are hungry first so that I know how much food is needed? It is hard for me to predict when we have guests and I need to plan my shopping." then you might be able to have a bit of control about her eating without actually making her feel bad. BTW, I am Portuguese and we are big food pushers. (Think Greek, Italian family style) so this particular issue would not be a problem for me. In my family we would be mortified if someone actually had to ask for food because it would reflect badly on our hospitality. And if we were offered food while visiting someone, it would be very rude not to accept at least a little bit. Other folks have different attitudes about food and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Does your daughter buy the food? Probably not.
Does your daughter pay the mortgage? Probably not.

She doesn't have a problem with it because it is not "hers". It is very rude to act the way her friend is acting, your daughter should recognize that. My guess is she values the friendship and doesn't want to make waves with the girl.

There is nothing wrong with setting ground rules. Maybe always ask, "Mom can we have a snack". That gives you the opportunity to say "sure there are chips and dip or I just got some great watermelon yesterday, it's in the fridge".

M

Never considered this is normal and your daughter does it too? Your daughter probably told her it was fine, then you made your daughter say it isn't. Then your daughter has to go to her house and feel awkward.

Really couldn't tell you if my older kids and their friends did this, I never hovered around enough to notice. I was always glad their friends were comfortable in my home. At that age my kids were hosts to their friends, why should I care who got food out?

Come on, you are making snacks for adults? I think my poor kids would die if mommy made snacks when they had friends over.

My daughter knew what was ok to help herself to snack on and what wasn't, and she would let her friends know what was and wasn't fair game.
Sometimes kids would ask me if there were any munchies, and I would tell them what they could help themselves to, and what to stay out of.
After a while, they pretty much knew what was what, and didn't need to ask anymore.
Bottom line is, it's YOUR house, and if YOU find her behavior unacceptable, then it needs to stop.

Your DD is in college, so she needs to think how she would feel if her roommate's friend ate all her food, that she had worked for and paid for. It is one thing to have a snack. It is another to feed yourself every time you are over and ask for meal items like eggs and chicken. I would be annoyed that your DD confronted her by throwing you under the bus. If she comes over again, consider talking to her directly. Is there a gray area that is OK? My sks learned to ask what was available for the taking because we shop once a week and earmark leftovers for DH's lunch. I don't mind them eating per se, but they should ask and should not be offended if you say no to an item.

IMO, this is also a situation where the young adult in college is used to doing whatever she wants and offering whatever she wants and is chafing at your summer home rules. We get that a lot, too, especially in the 18/19 yr old range when they think your home is a bed and breakfast. Your DD is old enough to buy her friend lunch if that is important to her. Or buy her own groceries that you will not touch. Welcome her to use her OWN money to host her friend.

ETA: It is one thing to say, "My mom is uncomfortable" and another to say "I threw you under the bus and blamed you". Without knowing what she actually told her friend, I'm assuming it was more along the "mean old mom is making me" line based on your post.

This is more of an issue on how your daughter's friend was raised. When I was growing up, I was taught to never ask for food or drinks, but accept graciously when offered. Even if the parents told me to make myself at home, out of respect, I would not have gone in their fridge. Their home, their food. I would have brought my own food with me or ate before I got to their home. I think you were raised the same way as I was. Etiquette and manners have gone out the door with this younger generation. Do you suppose this friend would have a problem going into your purse if she needed money???

Many of these kids are raised to think they are "special" and "entitled" to everyone else's stuff, so they do what they want. They are not taught to respect authority either. The saddest part is most of the parents of these kids do not think their is anything wrong with this mentality. So, there you have it. It is one of the reasons why our country is going to he!!.

I bet if you went into your daughter's room and came out wearing one of her outfits or accessories, she would pitch a fit. You may even try to take something of your daughter's friend and see how she reacts. Maybe a little reverse psychology would help get the message through to these kids.

We taught our daughter that when she has guests over at OUR home (me, my husband and daughters home) , she is totally allowed to play hostess and let her friends know to help themselves to food and drink..

Most of her friends are polite and do ask and they have learned our rule of, "if you are going to the kitchen ask those around you, May I get you anything from the kitchen?"

I agree that I love having the kids feel comfortable in our home. I wanted them to spend time here. Some of them said "there was no way their families would even consider having other kids over for dinner or a family game night etc.." We were surprised because we had always known our friend's parents and family.

It is your home, so you have your rules. If you really feel this way, speak up and own it. Your daughter can decide if she feels like she is comfortable having friends over to your home or not. Be honest so she can decide. If she is not willing to tell them the rules, then let her know you will be the one to state them.

When I was a teen I used to do this at one particular friends house as well. I had my friends permission, which I had always assumed also meant I had her mothers permission. I mean, why would my friend give me permission if she didn't have the power to do so? The mother was aware I was doing it, and didn't tell me otherwise. Anyway, I loved snacking at her house because her mom bought lots of "junk" food I never got at home. She had sugary cereals, white bread, processed cheese, bologna, Kool-Aid, Ramen noodles, Kraft Dinner and Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee! I also felt very comfortable in her home. Is it possible that your daughter gave her friend permission, and her friend assumed she was acting as your agent, and that because you never said anything then it was allowed? I would NEVER open anyone's fridge without first having permission, that would be rude.

Even hungry kids need manners. Even my 3 year old knows we don't just go to someone's house and open their fridge or cabinets.

Your daughter should be embarrassed by her friend's behavior and should correct her. I wouldn't be opening my home to someone with habitual rudeness.

In our house and my Mom's house it is very rude to just 'help yourself'.
But some people just don't see the problem.
I once had a piano teacher who had 6 kids.
The parents had to lock up the food (pantry and fridge) to keep the kids from going through a weeks worth of food in 2 days.
That was the first time I'd seen a pad lock on a fridge.
If your daughter (and her guests) is/are having a problem respecting your rules, she and her friends can stay in a hotel when they come to visit.
When she has a home of her own she can make her own rules but in your home -she does not call the shots - and she and her friends need to be respectful.

Have your daughter herself provide snacks for her guests or give her a weekly budget for food for her friends. If she was going away to school she would have to learn how to budget her own money/allowance, now is a good of time as any even though she is living at home. I would also give her some space in the pantry for her items.

Your biggest problem is your daughter, not her friend. Her friend should have been raised with better manners, but perhaps your daughter told her to "make herself at home" or "help herself." The friend is a guest in the house and should not be taking anything that has not been set out for guests. So, for example, if you have tissues and toilet paper in the bathroom, she can take what she needs for her personal use without asking. That doesn't mean she can take the box of tissues into another room or take it home, but it does mean she does not have to request permission to use one or 2. If you put a bunch of drinks out on the counter or in a cooler at a party or for the use of your daughter's friends, then those things are clearly offered. (Still, she should ask if she might have a drink of water and then you would have the opportunity to say you've put some things on the counter and to help herself.)

I think you have to take the lead on this, not put your daughter in charge, because your daughter will simply preface her remarks with something negative about you! So it's up to you to say to the friend, "Jenny, I'm always happy to have you visit. I've put some drinks on the top shelf of the refrigerator, and you are welcome to those. Anything else, I'd appreciate it if you ask me first." The approach with your daughter is to recognize that somehow you didn't get through to her over the years, which is why she is defending her friend's manners and not respecting you. So "take the blame" on yourself by saying you must not have done as good a job as you'd hoped in raising her, because your daughter thinks there's something wrong with YOU and not with her friend's upbringing.

The most effective way to address it may be to say (to your daughter and even to the friend) that this is not just YOUR rule, but standard and basic etiquette. No one wants someone to come into a home or an office (where the repercussions are even greater) and start taking stuff or asking for stuff. You'll probably have to support that with some etiquette experts who are not older or stuffier in the girls' minds. One of the biggest problems in the workplace is young(er) people who do not know how to behave in an interview, in a business lunch, or in the day-to-day dealings. There is a sense of entitlement overall, and there is a sense that, if my phone gives me the internet in 1.2 seconds, I shouldn't have to wait for anything, including food at my friend's mother's house.

But it has to be about more than you and your personal (and "unreasonable") rules, but about common standards of behaviors. People want to be thanked, not treated like they are a supplier.

A compromise might be to put things in a basement refrigerator and say these are for the friends of your daughter - make sure they are taking them to consume at the time and not going home with them. A lot of families in my son's circle had a supply of "up for grabs" snacks like sodas and freeze pops, but everything else was "as offered" by parents. Absolutely none of them, even hungry high school athletes, would have dreamed about diving into the refrigerator or the cabinets on their own. And when I did offer food or cooked up a bunch of meatballs and enchiladas, the gratitude was very evident.

You should have handled this one. Sorry, but that's my opinion. If your DD was already not on the same page as you- she wasn't a good pick. And she isn't the one who buys the groceries, so try speaking to the friend and explaining that this is impolite and a strain on your budget.

My kids have friends that they have known for awhile and are very comfortable at our house and they just eat what they want, but probably because we have made it clear that it is ok with us. If it bothers you, you were right to say something. Your house, your rules.

Take your daughter with you to the grocery store. Tell her that her friend, we'll call her "Peggy" really likes the breakfast cereal that your family buys, and tell your daughter that she'll have to buy this week's supply. It's amazing what happens when your kids are forced to buy stuff. My son needed another backpack one time, and I was sick of buying expensive backpacks that got ruined quickly. So I took him with me and told him to choose one. Of course, he chose the top of the line backpack with all the extras. I said, fine. He looked at me with both surprise and suspicion. Then I told him that it would come out of his allowances for the next several months, or he could pay for it outright then and there. Wow, his standards changed instantly! He found an inexpensive but perfectly good one and said "actually, this is all I need, really". So I suggest to you that you make your daughter contribute to the groceries and tell her that really, it's Peggy that's taking a big bite (pun intended) out of the food budget. Ask your daughter if she would be ok with this if this situation were taking place in her own apartment, with her own groceries that she bought and paid for with her own income.

And no, people don't do this. It's not you. This is rude. This is your home, "Peggy" is not your friend or the daughter of your dear friend, and I don't think you should hesitate to politely, respectfully and calmly tell Peggy that she may not have eggs unless she tends to the chickens and buys feed for them, and she may not help herself to food that is not set out expressly for guests. If it's in a cupboard or the fridge, it's off-limits. Stand your ground but do so with great kindness and in no uncertain terms.

I have experienced two similar situations. One involved a friend of my daughter's who decided that not only would he eat nothing but garden salads, he would also loudly preach and criticize and mock anyone who ate grains, protein or anything else. I'm sure it was a brief phase but it was so annoying and rude and it ruined every time the kids got together for homework or video games or anything. I told him he could come over, but could not be the food police in our home. He chose not to return.

The other situation was a kid who berated my daughter, mocked her, and made fun of her and accused her of making up her medical diagnoses (she has several of those so-called "invisible" disorders). But he followed other neighborhood kids into the house and he was hungry and neglected in his own house by a drunk, abusive mother. He even told the other kids that I was "lame" because I couldn't curse like his mom. He was pretty desperate for love and attention. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that he could come into our home, but his language and behavior had to be 100% polite and respectful. He chose food and a pleasant home over bad behavior and when he came into our home after that, he cleaned up his language and abided by my rules.

I think you need to demonstrate to your daughter how boundaries are established and how to politely demand respect for people's belongings. Otherwise, when your daughter has her own place, she's going to be pretty miserable. I think your daughter doesn't want to rock the boat with this girl, because she's obviously wealthy and probably pretty domineering.

I never did this at friends' houses and I had one friend who was like a sister... Even before your SWH I thought she was rude. I remember having something WITH my friends sometimes but never just going and helping myself! My mother would have been mortified if I did that and likely literally slapped me upside the head. And no friends of mine did it either at our house. I agree to make your daughter start paying for this cereal for her friend. And does your daughter do this at her friend's house? If not, maybe ask her why not. Likely your daughter has an inner compass that this is just rude.

I haven't read the other answers so maybe my take is similar to others. Here goes...I'm willing to bet that this girl asked your daughter if she could have cereal (to at, a drink, whatever) and your daughter said yeah of course and so she inferred that she could just help herself whenever. OR your daughter flat out told her to help herself to whatever whenever thinking that she was being a good host/friend. Rather than saying but mom I told her to help herself your daughter just "threw you under the bus" as you say.

Is it rude? Yes if no one okayed it but I think your daughter gave the okay.

At first I thought you were talking about your daughter,so I re-read it and it's her friend. Yes, I do think it's rude that your daughter's friend would help herself to anything. Does your daughter do this when she goes to this girl's parents house? I would always asked. Only a few people would I look inside their fridge, my sisters (2 out of 3), my parents and one grandparents house. My other grandma, when she was alive, didn't allow, and we knew it and didn't open unless she told us too.
I would never have opened my friend's parents fridge, cabinets, pantry looking for food. I agree with you momma, RUDE!

Perhaps your daughter told her it was okay, perhaps your daughter invited her to make herself at home. She was told something by your daughter, she might have even asked your daughter if she could have something to eat.

It comes down to this, you say you're a good hostess. That says it all.

If you had asked her if she was hungry or needed anything she would have said she was hungry. If you had told her to just let you know if she wanted something to eat why wouldn't she have taken you up on that?

So either you offered the food or weren't the good hostess you say you are.

Does her action of getting food for herself make you feel like you weren't a good hostess? I'd talk to her.

She's a guest in YOUR house, but not your teens house?

I would find it rude, and I would say something. I don't think that you should have made your daughter do it. In this dynamic, she is "the kid", and it's up to you to establish the house rules to visitors. The kids can share from their perspectives--and offer insight--but it's up to you to set the tone in your house. In other words, it's your job to be "thrown under the bus" in cases like this.

To my child's friend, I might have said something like, "Whoa--what's happening here? That's not on the 'guest snack menu'." Or "If you'll be joining us for breakfast/lunch/dinner, I'll set a place for you."

Unless your daughter is buying the groceries, her input means very little.

I always offer...but if the kids are hungry they ask. I have found some kids just going through our snack bucket, but I stop them and tell them it's available if they ask and I say yes...because sometimes it is not. You should have said something the first time she did it if it bothered you I think.

I'm with you 100%! It is RUDE to help yourself to someone else's food!!
I was brought up that you don't help yourself to anything if it's someone else's and that you wait until it's offered to you. I was really mad when one of my son's friend's even opened up our refrigerator to see what was in there! Rude, rude, rude!!

I don't have kids this age yet, but I remember when my brother was in late high school and all of his friends came over to the house and this one kid always ate our leftovers in the fridge. My mom and dad didn't care too much, they were just happy everyone felt comfortable at our house. They loved that the kids wanted to hang there. I can see where it would frustrate you! I wish I had an answer. I am so sorry.