On the Verge of Divorce Because I Don't Want Sex - Please Help

I have had a hormone imbalance for as long as I can remember. I never was able to find the right doctor who specialized in hormones and all of the other wanted to put me on birth control pill. That seemed to be a magical solution for all the problems that I had. I found a doctor that specialized on bio identical hormones and did a blood test for all the different things and talked to me. Most doctors are not big into the conversation part but this is important because the "normal" reading may be pretty large. I know thyroid replacement is big because the thyroid really controls so many things. I think with the hormone adjustment and therapy things should change for you.

Has he gone to counseling with you? If you and he truly don't want this to end up in divorce, you can't give up and have to work at it. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having is! Good luck!

Are you on the pill...it affects me in a similar way so I didn't get back on it after I had my daughter..so it could very well be hormonal.

Wow, I am relieved to see that I'm not the only one. I've been wanting to post this question for a while on here but wasn't sure how to word it. We've been married less than two years and I DREAD sex with him too. I have no idea what to do because it always ends up in a fight because he says I don't love him. It has nothing to do with love, I just don't want it and like you am not repulsed by him but just don't feel the need to have sex with him. I'm looking forward to reading your answers because I feel like something is really wrong with me too. Thank you for having the courage to ask this, I never found that courage. :-)

There is a reason why you are disconnecting yourself from him sexually and perhaps a sex therapist isnt the answer, try a counseling and speak with your ob/gyn asap. You may have a hormonal imbalance that is totally bleeking out your sex drive.

You have a 6mo and you have been in therapy for 6months, so basically you had 2 major life events at 1 time...a new baby which brings sexual changes any ways, and therapy for an issue you have been struggling with for a LONG time. I think there is something to be said for how well you seem to be able to vividly see what you are about to lose and also that you don't want to lose it but that you don't seem to be able to change it. Either 1: something medically is going on (which could be alot of things from what birth control you're on, you're experiencing depression, something physical, a sexual disorder, the list goes on and on 2: you're not being honest with yourself or us about your feelings for and your relationship with your husband
5 or 6 years out of a 7yr marriage is a long time to be dealing with this issue. I think its time, since you seem to want to make this work, to do WHATEVER it takes to get to the root of the problem. Obviously timing is hard bc you have a 6mo and that brings alot of life/hormonal/family changes in and of itself. But this has been going on since before you had children.
I def think a trip to the doctor is in order. Be completely open and honest. How was you sexual relationship with your husband during dating and the first year of marriage? Did something happen (experimenting go awry, one/both partners not feeling satisfied, different expectations of the sexual relationship, etc.) that triggered the change? Divulge all info. and get a complete physical and get your Docs recomendation. They will definetly have some ideas or offer a referral.
I think if I was you I would tell myself, I have lived this way long enough, I am about to lose everything and I don't want to, I am going to get out there and find out what is going on.

I don't really understand your anxiety about this. Can't you just lie there and make a couple of noises for a few minutes to make him happy?

Maybe you can take some hormones, a little testosterone or something to give you a sex drive. Though I don't know what they can prescribe for women.

Lots of women aren't all that horny, but I don't believe most have anxiety about having sex. Since you're not repulsed by him, I say, fake it for a few minutes once or twice a week, if there's no chemical help.

I dont know if anyone has suggested this, or if u even do, but it works for me... masturbate! Seriously, even if u dont feel like it, try to find some time to take care of yourself as often as you can, and the more you do the more likely you'll begin to want to have sex again. The longer you go without any pleasure the less and less you are going to want it, it's like ur body forgets how good it feels. But you just gotta start the engine, rev it up a bit here and there, put some gas in it, and hopefully u can get it running again.

Boy do I understand this one. I'm sorry---I know how bad it sucks! For me the problem was a hormonal imbalance. Here's a guide: Low progesterone usually means depression. Low estrogen will lead to vaginal dryness. Low testosterone will mean no libido. This is generic, but it gives you a basic idea. The supplement DHEA will produce both estrogen and testosterone in the body--this is a natural substance that decreases production with age. Chaste Tree berry (also known as vitex) will balance the hormones at the pituitary level (the master gland). Taking evening primrose oil will support progesterone production, and flax seed oil supports estrogen production.

For me I had low progesterone and low testosterone. Ironically, my hormones swung the other direction for a short while and my libido increased so much my husband was a little bewildered :-) We made it through it, though. If you'd like to talk to me personally I'm happy to help further with exactly what I did.
I promise this is fixable!!!!
J.

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage either.

I have also been struggling with this issue for going on 6 years. We finally went into therapy about a year ago as my issues are cleary tied(well for me anyway) to having my tubes tied after the birth of our 3rd son.

IF you are both truly willing to do whatever it takes then finding an acceptable amount of sex may be the answer, its what finally worked for us. If you havent already done so sit down and try to come up with a compromise. Most ppl are amazed that my husband is willing to settle for what we agreed to but once it was set it has worked for both of us. I know he still hopes for more but he knows what the minimum is and we are both at peace.

We set our amount (4x per year--shocking I know) and there are no other rules. I do try to make one close to his birthday and one between Christmas and New Years but otherwise they are random times. I found trying to plan "sex nights" casued me more anxiety.

As you can see you are not the only one in this battle, however there really is no way to win the war. Hopefully you can find something that works for you!!

Hugs, Bella Mom! Get to the doctor to find out if there is something wrong medically. And, I would change therapists.

Does your husband try to help you? Or does he just expect that you "get in the mood" the minute that he is ready for sex. How he treats you before or during and after sex can be a major issue.

A couple of your responders have been very cold in their responses. That is NOT what you need right now. I hope that these issues can be resolved soon, for your sake, your husband's sake and your family as a whole.
The fact that this is weighing so heavily on your mind is proof that you love your family so deeply.

You know the saying "if you don't use it, you lose it?" I think that applies to sex (it does for me anyway). I notice that if i get into the "habit" or not having sex and more and more time goes by.....then the LESS I want to have sex. So this sounds wierd, BUT if you start having sex a lot more often then you may WANT to have it more often. As far as "checking out"...instead of trying to NOT think about it when you're doing it, just do it and think the whole time "gosh this is awesome, wow that feels great...he really wants me...this so hot, etc etc" (do that enough and you will change the way your brain thinks about it, you have so much built upon negativeness and sex that its hurting you more)

The other idea is what about just fooling around with him? Like, HJ or BJs? If its purely the vaginal thing you don't like....maybe you can just stimulate him?

There are some natural stimulants for woman that may help or just getting a perscription one. I fyou are on anti depressants now or birth control bills THAT could also be causing some issues.

I hate to say it but I would try just doing it and pretend you like it...Mind over matter. If you love him, you love him and will do what you can to fix it. And pershaps talking to a regular shrink could help.

Best of luck! Your hubby is just horney and....good news: he wants YOU!!

PS He probably doesn't feel that you think he's attractive. He may also just think its him and his feelings are hurt. Its very damaging to a man to not be wanted...

this is about YOUR attitudes and YOUR problems.

mark gungor has some information you might be interested in.
i dont know that you can find it on line, but in his seminar "laugh your way to a better marriage" he talks about this kind of circle that works in a healthy marriage. the primary interest for a man in marriage is sex, and for a woman its the companionship and romance etc.
if you get the romance, you give the sex, and when you give the sex, he gives the romance. thats how its SUPPOSED to work.
when this breaks down however, it just gets eaiser and easier for you to feel and say "i dont want to have sex anymore". this is not about your husband, it is about you, and the only way to solve this problem is for you to know and confess that you have the issue, and you need to find a way to solve it. RIGHT NOW, look up counseling in your area. you need some marriage/family counseling, and if you are Christian i wouldnt take anything less than real, Christian counseling.

when you did "give in" was this once a month or less? how often were you "just doing it for him"? and yes, the frequency matters. just having sex once isnt going to solve the problem, but having it multiple times in closer frequency can help. believe it or not, sex for you is INCREDIBLY emotional, and i cant tell you the number of times i have cried after sex. it seems as if it would be a bad thing, but its not; those are your emotions clicking in. and somehow it seems you are afraid of that, or you think that somehow this is a bad sign. does he know you cry? does he comfort you? let him know, let him comfort you! this is a bonding emotional experience, which is why people like mark gungor say no one should ever have sex outside of marriage; for the woman, it is like emotional bonding glue!

ps. even if you have not been sexually abused, it is likely that many people have been emotionally abused. there are various different ways that people are emotionally abused, but examine your relationship with your parents, and especially your father. was it distant? was it confusing? complicated? was it close? or not? think about things like that too, because whether you realize it or not, you can transfer emotions/feelings/experiences with your father/family to your marriage.

one thing i would suggest is to have sex at a higher frequency. yes, you are going to feel like you are forcing yourself. but it might help reignite things for you. every night for a week. i mean, its just a week right? get some lube if you need it, and dont forget (this is VERY important) to tell him what you like!! if you need some foreplay, ask for it! a massage, a bubble bath, a weekend in a hotel with all of the above, an adult board game (like 'an enchanted evening') or even those silly dice with different actions and different body parts on it. take your time. tell him exactly what you need, where you want to be touched, or touch yourself! nothing makes a man happier than you being happy, even if you are doing some of the work!

by the way, are you sexual at all? i mean, do you have "private time" ? if yes, i suggest NOT doing that AT ALL. this will help redirect your needs to your husband and only your husband, not your hand, or a toy or something.

if you do not, and arent interested, have you considered a hormonal imbalance? this is a really simple thing to fix. i mean, all this drama, all this frustration could simply be the work of some hormonal imbalance that can easily be fixed through your doctor. make an apointment NOW with your docctor and see if there isnt some sort of problem there. bring your husband with you, this will help you to be able to have his views and also to let him know what your doctor says. its like having him there to support you which is how it should be.

dont keep your husband at arms length. do things with him. lay in bed at night just talking (and yes, you can get him to agree to just talking LOL). find out other things your husband is thinking, feeling.

anyway, make a doc's appt, find counseling (your doctor might be able to refer you), have sex every day for a week, let your husband comfort you if you feel like crying, relax that the crying is an emotional reaction, not necessarily a sign something is wrong. it almost seems like you want to shut down, like theres no spark. revisit some of your old haunts from when you were dating, do things you used to do back them, even if its necking in the car or something! but this CAN be fixed, and it SHOULD be fixed. your husband wants this. your family deserves this. YOU deserve this.

See a doctor about what is going on, actually, you might want to see several doctors. It could be hormonal, or chemical or emotional... or a combination....

Do you breastfeed your 6 month old? If I remember correctly, I did read somewhere that BF can continue producing some of the same hormones that lowers libido in some women during pregnancy. (the same BF hormones that stall your periods from returning, and act to some extent as natural birth control) This could be a bodily adaptation to keep our kids spaced so that primitive moms wouldn't have all their kids exactly 9 months apart, and be trying to haul around and BF little babies at the same time they were getting ready to deliver a newborn. Since most mothers in tribal societies breastfeed ABOUT till their kids are 2- 2.5 years old on average... the spacing is better between babies when these body mechanisms work out "correctly" I was an extended breatfeeding mom with my first daughter, and while I did have sex and enjoy it with my husband, my libido was definitely a bit lower than it had been before.

Sex will not be "a pleasure" if it feels counter-intuitive. Express to your husband that you WANT to WANT to have sex, and you do love and cherish him! Even if you don't feel like doing it all the time, try to spend plenty of time doing other things that involve loving personal contact... massages, kissing, hugs, cuddling... etc...

Just keep trying to find a solution. Happy, enjoyable sex is not just good for your husband and your marriage, it is good for you too! Maybe things need "spiced up"- or maybe a doctor can "tweak" something in your hormones to help.... maybe a homeopath has a natural herb or supplement to get you fired up... maybe your husband just needs a road map to your new "post baby" body!

Whatever you do, don't feel guilty about this. Guilt is an emotion gaurunteed to make things worse rather than better. With your husband, acknowledge his feelings and be loving towards him and willing to try several options... any ideas that sound like they might work- just even a little! Remember- sex is more than just the motions... it is mental, physical, emotional, and multi-sensory- including sight, smell, taste, sound and touch. TRY to see if something, anything is enough to set off that "switch" in your brain.

If you can, set a night, once a week- where you will try something new! When I say try... i mean... go somewhere private and make a sincere effort to get into the "mood" together. Don't force it... if you get a certain amount "in" and then you feel too uncomfortable... just be honest and say "can we stop... we'll try something else next week!"

If you have a "team" working on the problem- a solution WILL be found... maybe by the doctor, maybe by a therapist, maybe just by you and your husband! Good luck to you all!

You can do it!
-M.

In my opinion it's normal for you interest to decrease once the realtionship isn't "as new", but to be disgusted by it, is more likely about you and not your DH, although he probably doesn't feel that way. I would say that when you got pregnant 4 years ago your homones went all crazy on you and then to get pregnant again most likely just sealed the deal. I would speak to your doctor, if they dismiss you (as some do, because they will say its normal after you have a baby not to have interest in sex...mine did) i would get a second opinion... A sex therapist is great, but it could be hormonal... I would seek a doctor who specialized in it... that way it shows your DH you are trying to figure it out... I have had some on the same issues although it's more about getting into and excited about it, but I have a 2 year old who is attention demanding and am pregnant with the second! Having babies is hard work!! :) Don't be so hard on yourself, that probably doesn't help the situation...:)

Also, Have you ever watched in "in the bedroom with Laura Berman" ??? She is a sex therapist that Oprah has had on her show, she has some amazing books, maybe try to read one and watch a couple episodes with your hubby that way you guys know you aren't alone!! She also has a website!! Good luck, I hope you find your answers!

Some of these answers seem very harsh! "Just lie there and take it?" "Fake it for his sake?" How is any of that going to help the problem?

I agree about seeing a doctor; I agree about postpartum hormone fluxes. I also agree that sex is a very personal, intimate thing between you and the man you love. If you force yourself to do it when you fear it and hate it, you will form strong negative associations with sex and you may never be able to recover from that and have a healthy sex life. I don't have a nice, simple answer for you, but I do believe that you need to find a way to bring sex back around to a positive thing in your relationship, and forcing yourself to do it when you don't want to, won't fix the problem!

I have been walking in similar shoes. Just wait till you are done with kids and your hormones go back to normal.

Hubby and hadn't had sex in over a year!!! and when I finally got over my anxiety, I had a wonderful time. Pregnancy really messes with you.

I don't agree that a spouse should divorce because of a lack of sex. You may have a medical problem. If not, then it must be something else. You are working on finding the cause. What else can he ask of you? You need support while searching for the cause of this lack of interest. I take my marriage vows seriously and I made a commitment to stay together through the good times and the bad. What if there was a medical reason you could no longer have sex or what if someday your husband has a sexual disfunction, which is common in older men? Would you just leave him? There is more to marriage than sex and sometimes marriage is very hard. You work together to get through it. Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for!!

While it's not the same as your situation after my son was born I didn't have sex with my husband for a whole year. I just couldn't do it. I had a normal delivery, I got the green light from my doctor at my 6 week check up, I just didn't want to. Finally I mentioned this to my OB and she had my thyroid checked out. Turns out after having my son I had thyroid issues. I saw an specialist and got that worked out. I also breastfed my son for a year and I guess since all hours of the day and night I had a little one clinging all over me I didn't want someone else touching me, at all. Once I stopped breastfeeding things got better too. I know you're going to therapy but maybe mention this to your OB. Not wanting sex after having a kid is apparently very common and they might be able to help.

Many women after having children don't feel sexy anymore. As mothers, workers, wives we begin to dedicate time for everyone else and neglect ourselves. Often sex begins to look like something else we have to do rather than a pleasurable experience. Sort of like going to the gym. We know it feels great to work out, but it's the last thing you want to do after a hard day. Now add to the equation someone bugging you to work out!

So, if this sounds like you. You are not ill or sexually difunctional. You are simply overwhelmed with your surroundings and everyday life. Make a mom schedule and start enforcing time for yourself. Begin doing things you used love. Have a beauty day and make yourself look beautiful and sexy. Get out of the same routine and you will be approaching your husband in no time!

So to all women get out there and begin to enjoy yourselves. We are not good to our families if we don't care for ourselves first. Life is worthless without the simple pleasures!

I agree with the many people who think it's hormonal. I think libido is directly related to hormones. My libido changes throughout my cycle with desire peaking right when I'm most fertile, which is of course when it's off limits. You may need some hormone supplements. Why don't you go see your OB and try that avenue before you call it quits on the marriage. Another thought is exercise...Do you work out regularly? I find that I am much more in the mood for sex when I'm exercising regularly. The endorphins kick in, and I just feel better about myself in general. Good luck!

I may repeat something that someone else has already said--if so I apologize. I think your husband needs to have a bit more patience with you. You have been either pregnant or caring for a newborn or toddler for 4 out of the 7 years you've been married. You are tired and 'touched out' at the end of the day. Hormones can take a long time to even out after preganancy and breastfeeding. I know I had no interest in sex for quite awhile when I was a SAHM raising 3 kids. My youngest is now 6 and I would say my interest in sex just started getting back to normal again in the last couple of years. I will say that at some point during the period of time when I had absolutely no interest in sex, I finally decided that I just needed to take care of my husband's needs so that I wouldn't lose my marriage. If I really had a reason not to--exhausted, not feeling well, etc.--then I would say so, but if I didn't have a reason other than just not feeling like it, I would just 'submit.' And, sometimes I would end up enjoying myself! But that route may not be for everyone. It is true that most men equate sex with love, and have a very hard time understanding when a woman tells them that sex doesn't have anything to do with love. Guys think they are a package deal. I agree with another poster who suggested that your husband attend therapy with you. This is not just your problem alone--you two are in it together and he needs to be a part of the solution. But, you are right that you need to address the problem and take the bull by the horns--my brother and sister-in-law just ended a 17 year marriage because of this issue. They let it brew for years before everything finally came to a head and by then it was really too late--they tried for 2 or 3 years to put it back together but it just didn't work. Best of luck to you, and kudos to you for addressing the issue!

First of all, let me tell you how sorry that I am that some of the responses you have gotten have been so mean, and nasty. I don't get these women who answer questions from someone aswking a sincere question, about something that is going on with them, that is causing as much turmoil in their life, as this seems to cause you. I don't know, maybe they need to get a life, and certainly, they need to be ashamed about the nasty answers some of them have posted.
I have been married, 8 years. There are some times that I don't feel like it either, but I do it. I have found a lot of different things that helped me. First, I went on an antidepressant, bec was having some baby blues after my baby girl wsa just born 4 months ago. That really helped, and, I know that this is going to sound crazy, but I bought this arousal cream from Pure Romance called X-cream. That stuff is amazing...it has really helped me a lot. You're probably overwhelmed too, with the new baby. I know I am withall of my other kids, and the baby, the laundry, cooking, cleaning,driving to and from school, then baths for everyone, get them all off to bed, and finally can sit down, and it's11...sometimes the last thing that I want to do is that. But, I have never not done it. But, what helped me, was make it fun again, pretend like you are on a first ate. Hire a babysitter for the night, and meet at a hotel...stuff like that, has really helped me. Good luck, I hope that it works out, and inbox me if you ever need to talk..

See a medical doctor and have your hormone levels checked. There might be a simple solution to this problem!
Good luck!

Before you do the whole divorce thing...obviously there is a reason for this and you need to find out what that is. If your seeing a therapist and their not figuring anything out, maybe go to another one. Also I would talk to your GYN and have a very in-depth blood work done. They find that many women/men who go through this have something else going on, i.e. hormonal.

If a divorce isn't what your husband wants and you say you love him so much then why are you wanting to divorce? To me it almost sounds like an easy out for you, that for another reason your wanting this divorce. If this is your only reason for wanting to divorce, I would do whatever it took to figure out why I didn't want sex. Your also at a very rough age with your kids. I'm not saying anything bad about your children, I'm saying this is a time frame that they are very needy, dependent on you, etc, etc. alot of mom's go through a time of not being able to "switch the motor from mom mode to wife mode" and why you can't do that, no one has the answers but you.

Goodluck and hopefully if this is truly the only reason you have for wanting to get divorced you'll try to figure something out.

The other advice is great - here's my two cents. You just had a baby 6mos ago. Your body, mind, and soul is probably so drained from the neediness of your kiddos and husband and life. At the end of the day - all you want to do is just relax and go to bed. You don't want to have to please you husband at the end of the night. It kinda becomes like another chore you have to do every week or whenever it is that people do the deed. I went through it with my husband for a couple of years after I had my son. I was so tired and drained that all I wanted to do is just go to bed....and be by myself. I had no desire - lost my sex drive.

I don't know what I could tell you to do to FIX this...all I know is that it's probably hormonal and just your body is tired. Do you and your husband get to go out on dates? Maybe you need to feel that "spark" again...even though you love him. You still need to do something together just the two of you...have him sweep you off your feet again.

Make an appt with your Gyno. It sounds every bit hormonal to me. Particularly if you have kids the ages you said. You may even have some post partum Depression going on.. if your youngest is only 6 months.

I realize you said this started well before your last child's birth, but parenting two kids, especially small kids, can put you mentally in a whole different mind set. How often do you get away from your kids? Have you left them with family for a couple of days and gone away with just your husband in the last 3 years??

You just had a kiddo 6 months ago...you also stated that "he is wonderfull" AND "just about to walk out the door"....girl, those two statements DO NOT go hand in hand. You may THINK he may want to walk out, but, he probably doesnt. After all, we know you JUST had a baby!!! TALK, TALK, TALK to him. You probably need to visit your OB/GYN and talk about you hormones. Perhaps some hormone therapy could help? I hope you find what you are looking for!!!
P.S. I also dont think that anyone thinks you were abused....just a Mom.

You're right that you need to fix this. You certainly can't expect your husband to be happy in a sexless marriage. First thing you need to do is get yourself to a holistic doctor. Sounds to me like your hormones are out of whack. You are probably low on testosterone, and progesterone.
This is fixable. You just need the right help. A regular doctor can't do a whole lot usually. They rely solely on blood tests and will not look at the big picture. Find the right doctor who will.

Hi Bella Momma---Be sure to find a health care professional that practices integrative medicine. It's likely you have a hormone imbalance. BUT, traditional medicine will only check blood levels, which does NOT give an accurate picture. You must have hormone levels checked via saliva. It is worth the extra effort.

If you do not have the proper balance of estrogen, progesterone and, yes, testosterone in your body, it can affect your desire for sex. I must confess that I do not look forward to the act, but I am always happy and satisfied afterward. Get those hormones checked, maybe watch a dirty movie and see what happens. Sex releases lots of good hormones for the human body. Keep reminding yourself that you are trying to figure out why you lack desire and be encouraged by that. Then keep the lines of communication open with your hubby so that he knows you are trying.

Good luck. D.

are you on birth control? I was on birth control for the past 2 years and started to HATE sex like i had no drive no want nothing to do with it at ALL. and it really started to effect my relationship and everything so i got off of it about 3 months ago and things have been SOOO much better. i would suggest doing that and just using condoms

Read "Intimacy and Desire" by David Snarch. The link is below:

http://desirebook.com/

You are definitely in good company. The therapy should be including *both* of you, and you definitely need to check in with your OB/GYN and get your hormones checked. A hormone re-balance probably won't solve all of your problem, but it might take the edge and anxiety off a bit so that you can at least get back in the game, so to speak, and then a good therapist - and perhaps some of the info in the book - can help you to get to a place of trust and lust. Not only is the current situation not fair to your husband, it's no way for you to live either. We all deserve to know true intimacy, to desire and be desired. Lots of couples have this problem, and it's definitely solvable.

Oooh, I have been there, it hurts!!! The feeling of complete disconnection from the sex action, the lack of emotional involvement during the act was HORRIBLE and made sex unbearable. After thinking about it, I realized I felt this, in some size or shape, with ALL the boyfriends I had, so, you guess it, I thought:"Oh, my word, I have a problem with sex!!" and gradually (and sadly) accepted that I could never experience that wonderful bliss that is the norm for many women. Until I met HIM. I will not go in details but everything I think I couldn't feel, I experienced with this man and I discovered I could do it because I felt TOTALLY adored, safe and beautiful with him. These things i had never experienced at once with any of my past men. He was just completely, madly, overwhelmingly into me and evry gesture (not only during sex) was meant to please me, reassure me, comfort me etc... So, for me, you see, it was only about feeling completely and deeply embraced by a man, I was NOT abnormal in any way. So I suggest to keep looking for cracks in your relationship (even smal ones, the ones you don't admit to yourslef because you have a family, you know what I am talking about) and try to fix them...sex will come along. Good luck!

Talk to your husband about how much you love him and that this problem isn't something that is personally against him. Ask your therapist about bringing him with you to a session and for her to give you "homework" that yall could work on together. Also def talk to your ob/gyn about this, tell them exactly how extreme the problem is so they don't blow it off as just being a tired mom. Keep your hubby included in how hard your working on this. Remember that he can't read minds so if you have been working on this for 6 months but not showing him how your working on it he may think your not trying. Ask him to do some exercises with you like plan a date night and at the end of the date snuggle in bed with each other with both of yall knowing that sex isn't allowed just holding each other. It will put you at ease knowing that he knows sex is off limits for the night. Try connecting on different levels by doing things like sit in bed and stare into each others eyes while holding hands for 2 mins or kissing for so many mins. By keeping him in the loop it should help him understand how hard this is for you but also how important it is. Also talk to your therapist and ask why things haven't improved and if you should be doing more or possibly see a different therapist. Good luck sweetie and don't let this end your marriage!

Forget the sex therapist - sounds like you need a regular shrink - has anyone suggested depression? You may have garden variety depression - which is frequnetly accompanied by anxiety. Change counselorss if you've been seeing someone who hasn't helped. My daughter suffers from depression and we have to change up all of her providers until we found the right ones. A HUGE difference when you find the right people!!! Ask around, ask at hospitals, ask you doctor, ask your doctor's nurses, go online, ask your minister, friends, etc.

Also consider a thorough physical exam - complete bloodwork - you may be off kilter some other way. I mean I'm in my 50's and have been dealing witha decreasing libido for a while - but I'm perimenopausal - so it's kinda normal. Your situation doesn't seem quite ordinary.

Go get some medical help - I think you'll be pleasantly surprised when you find the right docs / counselors. Check the Mayo Clinic's mental health department.

Best of luck mama - you will get better I am certain - this is not how God intends your life and marriage to be. He wants good for you.

I second the suggestion to check with your OB/GYN. This could very well be a physical problem.

Good luck to you

It seems to me you have an anxiety/phobia disorder. I should know, my husband has had an anxiety/phobia illness for the last 5 years and we have EXTENSIVELY researched every aspect of phobia & anxiety, and talked to top doctors across the country (like $800/hr docs!). The classic sign you said yourself--you have anxiety attacks when contemplating engaging in the sex. So, you should be treated for anxiety--not necessarily sexual therapy. You don't "talk" your way out of a anxiety illness--it is as much an illness as a "body" illness. There are lots of helpful drugs for anxiety/phobias, but one your therapist will prob not know about that is very effective is a drug called d-cycloserine, or just cycloserine. It is an old TB drug, but the NIH (national institutes of health) has done tests on its application to overcome phobias/anxiety. Here's how you would use it: take a pill 1 hour before (no more than 1 hour) you engage in the activity that causes the phobia (in your case sex). Repeat this multiple times over the next few weeks, ideally until the phobia goes away (approx 3-7 times). I know it sounds to easy to be true, but our psychatrist works with the NIH and has seen it work many times. You can verify it's use for anxiety/phobia treatment on wikipeida: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycloserine . Here's the thing though, your normal pharmacy (walmart/CVS/walgreens etc) is not going to carry this drug because they're all supplied by the same distributor. I know one pharmacy that carries it-- Rexall drugs (they're around the country), or find out who their supplier is (I can't remember their name right now) and find a pharmacy near you that uses that supplier.
To sum up, I would say try this treatment, or a more traditional anxiety drug like xanax or Klonopin, or I would endorse the comment about needing hormone therapy (hormones have a huge impact on your desire for sex).
Bottom line, You should NOT get divorced over this--divorce is one of the most tramatic things you could do to your kids and is the number one reason for poverty. Tell hubby to hang in there (he should look at this as if you had cancer for example--I'm sure he wouldn't leave you cause you had cancer), and you will find an answer. Also, I would suggest giving this some serious prayer if you haven't already--God knows what is going on and how to fix it!

IMO sex is about so much more than the specific act of intercourse. At least, I hold this opinion to be true for lots of people and maybe specifically women.

Get the physical/hormonal stuff checked out. Go to another OBGyn if you feel like you are not getting the support and referrals you need from your current one.

But then...Assess your life. What else do you have going on that "gets you off"? Sorry to be so crude. But seriously, it is hard to get in the mood when we feel unsatisfied about our work or our finances or our hobbies or our physical appearance or our education. Maybe you and your husband should put some effort into getting YOUR personal life on track before you tackle your SHARED life issues.

BTW - You just had two babies? Cut yourself some slack. It can take a while to come back and to be honest, your sex life may never be the same. It may never be that hot-n-heavy feeling you had on your first date but it WILL gain every day, every year in intimacy and maybe even risk taking..."Honey, that's not working for me. Try this." Being THAT kind of woman comes with age and trust and love.

1st let me say you are NOT ALONE! I used to be close to a sex addict when my DBF and I got together. We had sex a couple times a day everyday. We now have an 8mth old and I find it hard to get into the mood. Sometimes I really dont want it and once we get started I get into it and its okay. Other times I want it and it goes well. and then others I want to cry too like you said.
I would defintely check with my doctor for a hormone imbalance or possibly a side effect of birth control.
I will be saying a prayer. Have you and your DH taken time away just the two of you to try and reconnect? That seems to help us/me reconnect and want to show him that physical affection.
Let us all know how it works out. Praying for a resolution soon.

I am in an almost similar situation and am so thankful I'm not alone. I've been married 7 years as well. I'm an older 1st time mom to a 5 year old. I work full-time. In doing some soul searching, I believe there are more than one contributing factor. First off, I don't feel as though I can be "emotionally intimate" with my husband. He has laughed and made fun of some of the things that are important to me. Now I don't feel as though I can verbally share with him. If you don't feel as though you can be emotionally intimate with your spouse, it's difficult to be physically intimate....unless you're just going through the motions. There is resentment on both sides and I feel as though we've gotten to the point where we have lost respect for each other.
My drive has all but disappeared after the birth of my little guy. I've never been tested to see if there is a hormonal issue and plan on doing that. I started counseling years ago and enjoyed speaking to an impartial 3rd party...but after going one time, my husband didn't want to continue because he didn't like the gal (she was late). He wanted to go to the male counselor that he and his ex-wife went to. I will take baby steps to move forward and hope that things will right themselves...but if in the end, he is getting what he wants and I'm still left emotionally empty...then the problems will continue (for me anyways). Weather it is an emotional or physical/hormonal issue has yet to be determined. All I know is that lack of sex is a symptom of an underlying root problem.

I am in the same situation. We have been married for 11 years and never had the best sex life but it was pleasurable. Over the last year it has gotten to where I can't do it anymore like you. And before that even if I did he would complain that I wasn't much into it, but still wants me to do it. I finally told him that I would meet him half way but that it may not help, and may make things worse. I finally told him a week ago that I wasn't attracted to him sexually anymore but that I love him in every other way. He is my best friend and wonderful father of our 2 daughters as well. He told me he could not live without sex for the rest of his life and wouldn't be unfaithful. The D word came up and we are both hurting badly. Unfortunately I have no good advice as I am in the same boat. There are no sex therapists in my area and my insurance is running out in one week. He feels like I am doing this to him when I feel very much a victim as well. Not only am I not attracted to him, I have no sex drive whatsoever. Anyone else have advice on this subject? And please don't tell us to just suck it up and have sex for the benefit of our marriage. It doesn't work that way. I hope we can make this work and all of you others in this situation, the same. Thanks!

Going through the divorce right now for the same reason.

(((Hugs)) to you.

1. Are you absolutely positively sure there's nothing else wrong in the marraige? We went to counseling together for 6 months and were SURE there was nothing else. Until we made the decision to divorce, and then I realized there were other things. It's something I couldn't even admit to myself though.

2. IF you do end up not being able to work things out, I HOPE that you're able to have an amicable split like I am. Because we didn't have HUGE issues, we are still very good friends and are able to remain very close for our son's sake.

Good luck!

I often feel bad in the middle of sex and want to quit but I've never had a problem with wanting to have it. So I kind of see where you're coming from. It makes me feel really bad when it feels too good. I don't know why. I was never abused this way either. It makes me feel dirty in a bad way. It's never gotten to the point that it's affected my marriage. I'm attracted to my husband and I have a 10 month old. I think it's all psychological for me but your hormones can get crazy after having a baby too. I dunno. Have you thought about blindfolding yourself and just letting your hubby have his way with you while telling yourself that your not having sex and you just let your mind wonder. This might help. If you can't see whats going on then you can tell yourself it's not going on type of thing. I often try to think of other things when I start feeling that way and it helps. I just kind of turn my mind off to it. I know it's not dealing with the problem head on but it makes everyone happy in the mean time and those bad feelings don't creep into your head. Good Luck

You didn't mention 'why' or maybe you don't know. You need to figure out 'why' before you can figure out how to fix it. Only answer this to yourself but is he not as good as you want him to be? Is he attractive at all to you? Was he attractive when you met him? Were you physically involved before marriage? All of these things matter b/c if it ever was there, you might be able to get it back. If it never was there, it possibly never will be. You said over the last 5 or 6 years which means you had one good year with him?
The first thing I would do is TRY harder! Make a 'sex date'...my husband and I do! We plan a really good night. We talk about it all day prior and tease each other, we get enough sleep the night before OR we head to the bedroom earlier so neither of us are tired. We get a bottle of wine and eat appetizers, talk and listen to music. then we head to the bedroom and have lots of foreplay and enjoy it!
you wonder if you can 'check out'...have you tried closing your eyes and using your imagination? have you tried movies?? use some sort of stimulant, tell him what to do! Men may not all want you to tell them what you want them to do but some do. Sit down with your husband since he is so willing to help you work on it and tell him what turns you on....don't be scared. Get a buzz and talk if you have to. Try really hard to have a good sex life, one that you would imagine with someone else but have it with him.
Sex is a HUGE part of marriage no matter what anyone says. If you have good chemistry and a good relationship, other parts are usually good too....providing you respect each other.
I dated a 'really good guy' before I met my husband and I just wasn't 'into him' like you mention. I tried really hard to enjoy "it" b/c he was a 'nice guy' but it just wasn't there. Luckily though, I knew and did not marry him. I think that if you weren't into him ever, you do have a problem. You have MANY years ahead of you and if you don't want him, let him go. He deserves to be happy and so do you. It is sad but it is a fact. As far as your daughters, it is a shame that you had children with this man during those 5 yrs that you didn't want your husband. You should not have done that, even if you thought that would help. Truly, having kids would not change anything, only makes it harder. If you are not meant to be with this man, you need to let him go and both of you move on. Your daughters will hurt but you can be a strong mommy and help them move on. Many children live within two households. Good luck.

I also think it's totally normal to have less of a sex drive - much less - after a baby (especially after 2 babies). Hormones, weird things happening to your body, carrying extra baby weight, lack of sleep, nursing, mini-pill, new baby lockdown, so many things can affect our sex drive.

That being said, your husband really does physically and mentally need that release that intimacy provides. And once your drive comes back, you probably would benefit from it too. I don't know, life is somehow lighter and easier right after sex. :)

I'd start by just making an effort to give him oral sex just even once a week. Get your head in the right place and think about the end result - since he knows your issues with sex, he's going to be so happy that you are making an effort. You want to save your marriage. Think about that instead of anxious feelings.

From there, try sex...but tell him how you want to do it. Him on top, very gentle if that's what would make you feel safest. It doesn't have to be rough and dirty. It can be sweet and nurturing. I don't think he'd have ANY problem at all with you dictating exactly how it needs to be done. I think you have to try it. You don't have to expect yourself to just love it all of a sudden. Honestly I think you're going to start loving the results though, and that in itself should change the experience for you.

I know your post is 7 years old but I've been trying to find someone in the same situation as I'm in and your situation is exactly the same as mine. I'm not able to read the other responses to your post right now, but this makes me not feel as crazy as I thought I was. This is a real thing.

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I don't think I can help you. I guess I just think and this is only because I have me to go by that being in love attraction is there. I'd only want to be married because I'm in love not because of anything else. I know humans can have rough patches but if you haven't been there for years and it repulses you to the point of anxiety attacks. . . Well I think I'd know I wasn't the person for you and I'd leave. But That is JUST me.

I guess if he can't live without it and you can't give it you are at quite the impass. I'd keep working with the therapist and maybe try an anti depress maybe you have something mental underlying?

But good luck and I'm sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds just awful

Have you had your hormone levels checked? If your testosterone levels are low, this will cause low sex drive and decreased lubrication. Vulvar vestibulitis is something else to check. It makes sex uncomfortable, sometimes unbearable. I had low testosterone levels and vulvar vestibulitis. I had VVS for many years and had no idea. My husband finally convinced me to see a doctor. My doctor prescribed a testosterone cream that I had to apply vaginally to treat both problems. It really helped!

Are you depressed, have low self-esteem or a poor self image? These are definitely things that would make you not want to have sex.

If you are seeing a sex therapist I am sure you have gone to the doctor to have your hormone levels checked? Also, some people are asexual...are you sexually attracted to other men?

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I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone.

I agree with the people that posted -
1) Don't force yourself to have sex when it is that emotionally harmful because I fear that it will both make addressing it at the same time more difficult and could leave some additional long term emotional scars.
2) change medical doctors, more than once if needed, until you find someone that "gets it". Rule out what you can medically.
3) See a therapist, for yourself.
4) See someone WITH your husband. Sex in a marriage (in my opinion) is about intimacy and an emotional connection as much as it is about a physical connection. What makes it work for men is different than what makes it work for women (in general).

In my opinion (and that is all it is), sex for many women starts in our heads. The more I focused on what we were not having in my marriage (now divorced), the more difficult it became. I thought maybe it was all about me and that I would struggle with this in any new relationship. But I was wrong, and it wasn't just me, it was us. I wasn't broken alone, and I couldn't have fixed it alone.

I am also an avid reader. I am currently reading (and am enjoying a lot) "The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved" by Matthew Kelly. I also have several other books I have appreciated reading (from relationships to ones just about me) but can't remember their titles at the moment. If you are interested, email me off-post and I will find them at home and get them to you.

I am very sorry you are in this situation. I wish both you and your husband the very best.

D.

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Do you want sex with anyone else?? I think some of the other moms are right...maybe a new therapist, one that can see both you and your husband.

Have you been checked by a medical doctor. It could be hormonal. It doesn't always have to be a psychological issue. Have you always been this way and it is worsened? Or is this something within the past few years after having children? I would also talk to my gyno about it and have a full work up medically as well. Good luck!! I think as mom's we have all gone through something similar from exhaustion and just not having much else to give at the end of the day.

If you have been to therapy and that has not helped, I would recomend seeing your Gyno in case it's something hormonal. Another option is to try and get away for an extended period of time with just your husband. Even a week away with out the kids will help reinforce your relationship as man and woman not just mom and dad.

Prenote: I did NOT read all 66 responses, so this might be covered already!! :)

Note: Please please PLEEEEESE go see your doctor about possible hormone problems. It can often be handled w/ some boost in some type of hormones. I don't know how old you are, but in my personal life, it was a premeno symptom, and getting on some replacement (very very low dose) has helped a LOT.

Many many many women feel the same way, but it's very true that the more you <ahem> 'do it' the more you want to. And by involving yourself, you get to get those hugs and kisses that you DO need (and want). And to tell the truth, the most interest *I* feel is about the time when DH is on the verge. He becomes putty in my hands hehehe :) Most of my involvment is in the 'manual' department, vs 'automatic', if you catch my drift ;) I help him get the release he needs, I get the closeness I need, and I get interested in him at nearly the time he's almost at his peak. Hope that translates...

This allows me to refrain from the 'act', but allows him to feel 'needed' and at the same time, loved (this is what men need from sex - it lets them 'tell' us that they love us- it's their way of doing that. I don't think we need them to tell us that way, but they need to..

So, maybe go talk to your doctor, and then see what you can 'do' with out 'doing' it. .

I pray for you! I pray for your kids the most. It would be a total shame and criminal to refrain from your husband and then cause your kids to suffer a fatherless home, just because of this. If your therapist isnt' helping you, get another therapist.. there are zillions out there.

Like the 'pay attention to your self (parts)' thing too... get yourself warmed up before your husband comes home, then flirt. whatever it takes to keep your family together! Bless youuuuu!

While I don't have experience in this issue, I just want to say, there are other things you can do intimately that aren't sex. without getting too detailed, there are times that I don't want sex either, and my husband is just happy to get whatever i'll give him. Maybe talk to your husband about doing other things, or if he absolutely has to have sex every time you're intimate.....i'm not sure what else to tell you. I feel so bad for you, and I hope the therapy will help eventually and that your husband will help you through this.

Please have a doctor check your blood as well - if you have a hormonal issues, therapy won't help.

I wrote a much longer reply but deleted it. Let's just say the issue exists at my house, but in a different form...

I feel for both of you. Good luck.

I think there are great ideas, options shared ... I wonder about seeing a different therapist ? Sometimes the connection isn't there with one type of counseling, either. Your OB/gyn has encountered this ... and can help or refer you to another option or different doctor for therapy. I think so many things could be contributing to your woes - certainly young children, hormones, time, pressure ... but I just think you need experienced help that you can rely on as well as trust. Good luck !! And by all means, I'd work to get back to what once was, including your husband in either couples therapy or by keeping him in the loop with your personal therapy - so he knows the depth of your commitment to your marriage.